The Legend of Carl Awesome

We Forgot Our Own Birthday

2012-01-21T22:53:00.004-05:00

Notable Footy Things That Have Happened Since We Last Updated the Blowg:

1. Arsenal sold their best player and another of their most promising players, became terrible, and were humiliated by United at Old Trafford.

2. Uruguay won the Copa America and retained their position as South America's best team.

3. The United States lost the Women's World Cup in a heartbreaker to Japan. Becky Sauerbrunn, friend of the blowg, made her World Cup debut in the semifinal match against France and was outstanding.

3. Liverpool bought some really promising young British players and looked like they might be getting somewhere.

4. Manchester City started the season on fire and beat the crap out of their frightened neighbors.

5. Juventus somehow built one of Europe's scariest teams under the radar by acquiring Marko Vucinic (a Jim favorite), Fabio Quagliarella, Andrea Pirlo (a Juan favorite), Alessandro Matri, Simone Pepe, Arturo Vidal, and Marco Boriello. Vucinic, Boriello, and Matri joined del Piero, Iaquinta, Luca Toni, and Amauri as striking options (OK, that is just ridiculous). A death struggle quickly ensued between Juve and Milan.

6. Tottenham started the season terribly and then just as suddenly became London's best team. Ew.

7. Chelsea in crisis.

8. Arsene Wenger brought in an enormous German, a handsome Spaniard, and a tricksy Israeli to right the good ship Arsenal. Amazingly, it worked. But mostly because Robin van Persie hoisted the entire team onto his broad shoulders like a Dutch Superman with a son named Shaquille.

9. Things happened in the Bundesliga and Ligue 1.

10. Things also happened in La Liga. Mostly things involving Barca and Madrid: Cesc suddenly discovering that his head game is outrageous in Spain, Pepe behaving so poorly that it drew criticism from choirboy Wayne Rooney, and lots of diving.

11. Manchester City and Manchester United both failed to qualify for the knockout stages of the Champions League and had to settle for the Europa League. No, there is nothing more embarrassing than that.

12. (Alleged) Racism.

13. Paul Scholes and Thierry Henry (swoon) returned for Man U and Arsenal, respectively, thus confusing fans of both teams into thinking it was 2002. Millions wrote their MPs in the hopes of preventing a war in Iraq.

14. Henry scored the winner on his re-debut for Arsenal. Millions peed in their pants just a little bit.

15. Liverpool became terrible again, thanks in part to (alleged) racism.

16. Arsenal became terrible again, thanks in part to injuries and just general crapness.

17. Jim passed the NY Bar Exam and started work in Arkansas. Juan moved to Colorado and started medical school.

18. The Legend of Carl Awesome celebrated its fourth birthday on January 15, 2012. Which is like 21 in blowg years.

19. I promised on several occasions to definitely update the blog every time Juan or Adam Large texted me something hilarious about footy. I never did.

20. Anything connected to Mario Balotelli.

But fear not, we'll be bringing you our canny thoughts and priceless insights on a more regular basis. Starting with our first ever live-tweeting of Arsenal vs. Manchester United, which can be enjoyed here: https://twitter.com/#!/jimedstan

Univision and Brasil's Swagger

2011-07-03T15:55:00.009-04:00

"Ok, I have another theory for why Venezuela is wearing red wine," explained the Univision announcer. This was the 10th time the booth mentioned the color choice on the Venezuelan national team and Pablo Ramirez, the leader of the crew, wasn't finished bouncing ideas off his colleagues. "If you mix the colors of the Venezuelan flag together, you get red wine." His partners were incredulous, and so was I, but for entirely different reasons.

Brasil is back; it's about time. With Argentina rebuilding, and Uruguay still one bad loss from their usual existential crisis, those yellow bastards look terrifying, again. Maybe it was the five, yes, that's correct, five consecutive give-and-go's between Neymar and Andre Santos. Or perhaps it was Pato's effortless settle in the box, from a ball kicked 50 yards away, over his shoulder, with a defender painted on him, while he was at full speed. Maybe it's that Robinho looks really comfortable. I don't want to alarm anyone, but he's being used in the correct role now as well.

"There's going to be a big problem if Venezuela try to match Brasil's pimperies," said Pablo's colleague. Learning how to successfully use "pimperies" in a sentence is something that Univision can't take away from me now, but moreover, he was right.

Brasil, especially in South America, compels teams to try and play like them. It's one of the intangibles of joga bonito; teams disastrously try to match it. This was not the case when Dunga had them playing a 4-5-1. A four-five-one people, and no, that's not four forwards and one sweeper. Now they seem to be playing a 4-3-3, and it's a good thing I have to use the word seem.

But there's still one problem. His name is Lucas Leiva. It's not his fault, I guess, it's more that Brasil has nobody else to play his role. That is to say, Lucas Leiva is the best pass-first defensive midfielder they've got. If Brasil had, I don't know, Xabi Alonso on one leg and no arms, they'd win every game by 8 goals.

They may not win the Copa America. They may not even beat Venezuela right now - it's still 0-0 in the 60th minute - but they're not playing for this tournament. The Copa America, unless you have $70 on Uruguay to win at 11-1, is a mostly useless tournament. Brasil is preparing for 2014, and by the look of things, they'll be fine.

OK, more than fine.

Charlie Good Update

2011-06-26T09:23:00.003-04:00

It's about a two hour drive to Querétaro from Mexico City. Instead of renting a car, you could always spend a few more bucks and fly there directly. Querétaro is the perfect place to run away.

It's not as difficult as you might think, running away. And there's plenty to do once you get there. Once you stop thinking about what you're leaving behind, and instead start thinking about what's waiting for you, you're ready.

I know why I would go - the white roosters. Well, that's not entirely true, it's actually one man: Charles Nice. When Carlos Bueno scores, you can't help but smile. His dances make you feel like a kid again, and that's no coincidence. He celebrates the same way his 8-year-old son does, whenever his son scores a goal in little league. And when Carlos Cozy shows you his magic, he evokes a roar from the crowd that kids dream about.

If I had only seven and a half minutes to convince you that you'd love Mexican league soccer, I'd show you this video.

And if you watched it all, well, then, I'll see you there. I hope you like Corona.

Huh?

2011-05-27T22:04:00.003-04:00

What's that you say? The season is over? Oh, well I thought it had only just begun. You see, I can only remember three Arsenal games all season.

Here's one. I happened to be there.

Here's the other.

And this is the last one.

man10ram56 by arsenalist

As far as I'm concerned, nothing else happened. That's why I'm so confused by people who say that Arsene should blow up the team. The guys who played in these games looked great.

Apparently, there's a big game tomorrow. I'm sure that either Juan or I will be happy to fill you in on proceedings.

"Ohhh Yes! This Guy Is Classy."

2011-05-11T02:03:00.007-04:00

Exclaims Bill Leslie of Sky Sports 1.

Also, to the person with a Uruguay flag at Craven Cottage - well played sir. You've made Luis and me very happy.

It's Beautiful On the Other Side/A Disturbance in the Force

2011-04-21T13:22:00.008-04:00

Two quick points:

1) Once you've successfully abandoned all expectation for your team, it's actually kind of nice to watch a game like yesterday's match between Arsenal and Spurs. Both teams played fantastic attacking football, defense optional, and all in all, it was probably a fair result. I think Arsenal were slightly better on the day (when will Tom Huddlestone, of all people, score a goal like that again? - the answer is surely never), but it's hard to begrudge Spurs the draw, especially when Kenny Chesney had to make a series of excellent saves to keep it 3-3.

Basically, I was expecting to surrender the 3-1 lead. (And frankly, I was expecting William Gallas to head in the winner once the game was tied.) I refused to get sucked in by Manchester United's draw against Newcastle. We should all know that the league is lost, the season is over. So I'm OK with the result, and I'm able to see the dark, absurd humor in supporting a team for which no lead is EVER safe. When one's team is up 3-1 and playing well, that supporter should entertain in the back of his mind that a draw or loss is possible. He should NOT, however, fear that outcome. And he definitely should not anticipate that outcome or, as in my case, perceive it as a foregone conclusion. But that's how it is with Arsenal these days. And once you've gone that far, it's weirdly beautiful on the other side. [Note: As I was writing this, I began listening to the Footballistically Arsenal podcast from Tuesday. From his remarks, you can tell that Tom Rosenthal reached the other side during the Liverpool match, and I'm happy to join him there. He notes in the podcast that Arsenal have become a parody of themselves. He's taking sick pleasure in the sheer absurdity of the team - it's almost a perfect summary of how I felt going into the Spurs match.]

2. Is this the beginning of the end for Barca's GOAT claims? Have the Patriots found a way to stop the Greatest Show on Turf? Honestly, I was stunned at the momentum shift I perceived after Madrid won. I was expecting Barca to look unhappy, but not perturbed. Instead, the TV captured Messi looking really upset, Guardiola looking concerned, and the rest of the team looking generally devastated. Madrid, of course, were going nuts. I'm not sure we can underestimate just how big a statement was made in this game. There has been a disturbance in the force. And if I could feel it here, I'm sure Juan heard cries of anguish for miles.

Other Thoughts: Ronaldo's header was fantastic, and for the first time ever, he definitely outplayed Messi. He was the most dangerous man on the field for all 120 minutes. I had flashbacks to watching him run at English defenders in the Premier League. It's still terrifying how fast he is and just how good he is in the air. It was also perversely satisfying to hear the commentators accusing Barca of all the things they say about Arsenal: "not enough height," "no Plan B," "not enough urgency," "wasteful in front of goal," etc. I would also like to note that Arsenal (even a more talented Arsenal from 2004-2006) always had a great deal of trouble with Mourinho's Chelsea teams. He is a master at exposing those kind of flaws. Very, very interesting times ahead.

Also, I can't believe Sergio Ramos dropped the Copa del Rey under a bus. That's really all there is to say about that.

Seven Years of Famine

2011-04-19T10:46:00.012-04:00

"Behold, there come seven years of great plenty throughout all the land of Egypt. And there shall arise after them seven years of famine; and all the plenty shall be forgotten in the land of Egypt; and the famine shall consume the land." Genesis 41:29-30.

Arsenal Under Arsene Wenger

97/98-04/05: Three Premier League Titles, Four FA Cups (including two Doubles and an undefeated league season).

05/06-present: Famine, starvation, rivers of blood, Mikael Silvestre, locusts, death of firstborn children, etc.

Indeed, the plenty is long forgotten. Let's take a quick season recap, shall we?

18 September 2010: After a gritty, but by no means dominant performance, Arsenal lead 1-0 from a crazy Cesc Fabregas goal. But then Rosicky spurns a chance to make it 2-0 by blasting his penalty into outer space. And in the dying seconds of injury time, a Clichy/Koscielny mix-up allows Darren Bent to equalize and prevent Arsenal from moving top of the league.

7 November 2010: Free kick to Newcastle. Fabianski comes for it, flaps wildly. Andy Carroll heads into an empty net. Newcastle line for the game: two attempts, one goal. Arsenal lose.

20 November 2010: Two excellent first-half goals by Arsenal see them lead their bitter rivals Tottenham Hotspur at home. However, after the break, Tottenham score three times, including a penalty awarded when our captain foolishly raises his arm in the area to block a free kick. Spurs beat Arsenal in the league at home for the first time in, well, a really long time. Again, this loss prevents Arsenal from moving to the top of the table.

29 December 2010: After coming off the high of beating Chelsea 3-1 in the league, Arsenal respond well to an early setback against Wigan by taking the lead, 2-1. They even enjoy the benefit of a man-advantage after N’Zogbia is rightfully sent off for headbutting Wilshere. However, in the 80th minute of the game, Sebastian Squillaci heads the ball into his own net when trying to clear. The draw prevents Arsenal from going level on points with United at the top of the table. Sensing a theme here...

5 February 2011: Theo Walcott scores in the first minute of the game against Newcastle, and Arsenal romp to a 4-0 lead by halftime. But in the second half, Newcastle are awarded two penalties (one just, the other terribly unfair), and this sparks them to a 4-4 comeback, which culminates in an 87th minute wonderstrike by Tiote. Arsenal are the first team to go 4-0 up in a league game and not win it.

27 February 2011: Arsenal and Birmingham City are deadlocked at 1-1 in the Carling Cup Final. As the second half goes on and extra time beckons, it’s clear that Arsenal are in the ascendancy and that Birmingham are tiring. But in the 89th minute of regulation, an insane mix-up between Koscielny and Kenny Chesney allows Obefami Martins to tap in and win the cup for Birmingham.

8 March 2011: Arsenal go to the Camp Nou with a 2-1 lead from the first leg of their Champions League matchup against Barcelona. Barcelona are in fine form, but Arsenal defend extremely well until an uncharacteristic error by Fabregas gifts a chance to Messi right before halftime, and he takes it very well. However, Arsenal equalize from a fortunate own goal by Busquets in the second half. Soon after, though, Robin van Persie is ludicrously sent off with a second yellow for “timewasting” when he kicks a ball a split second after the referee’s whistle (in a loud, crowded stadium). Barca take advantage of the extra man and quickly score two more. Arsenal still have a chance to go through, but Bendtner fluffs his lines in front of goal. Arsenal go out of the Champions League, losing 4-3 on aggregate.

12 March 2011: Arsenal dominate possession and chances at Old Trafford in the FA Cup quarterfinal against Manchester United. Fergie puts out a team with seven defenders, though, and Arsenal can’t make the breakthrough. Fabio and Rooney, on the other hand, make the most of their chances. Arsenal go out of the FA Cup, losing 2-0.

17 April 2011: After several lackluster draws, Arsenal have one last chance to put pressure on United at the top of the table. After dominating possession and chances all game (and benefiting from unfortunate injuries to key Liverpool players), they are still unable to make a breakthrough... until Fabregas wins a penalty in the 7th minute of stoppage time and van Persie coolly slots it home. The revitalized title challenge lasts exactly two minutes, however, as Arsenal surrender a free kick on the edge of the area, and then Eboue gives away an insanely sloppy (and rather dubious) penalty when Lucas dives under his body. Kuyt scores in the 102nd minute of regulation (!) with literally the last kick of the game, thus ending any Arsenal hope of winning the league.

Has there ever been a season quite like this? I know that Arsenal in spring has become a freak show that everyone else can enjoy over the past few seasons. But we are reaching new lows here, people. This entire season has been one gut punch after another. Just when we think we’ve seen it all, the football gods take a familiar, painful plotline, and give it just enough of a twist to make it hurt all over again. For instance, today’s match was reminiscent of the Champions League match against Liverpool from several years ago. That one really hurt - in fact, it might be the most crushing soccer loss I've experienced. But I thought I was over it. Well, this one reopened that wound and then twisted the knife for good measure. As another example, the 4-4 against Newcastle reminded me of the 4-4 against Spurs from three years ago (and to a lesser extent, the 4-4 against Liverpool, which was more bittersweet). But at least the goals were more back and forth in that one. This season, we rolled over and let in four straight without any resistance. (And at least we didn’t LOSE that 4-4 to Spurs... this year, they came back and beat us. I’m telling you, new lows.)

As Juan succinctly put it, “the kind of bad luck that happens to United over the course of twenty years gets consolidated into a season for us.” Why is that? My personal theory is that Arsene Wenger made a deal with Satan for the Invincibles. That team had too much swagger NOT to be aided by dark, supernatural forces. If only Arsene had known that this was how the devil would collect his due: six years without a trophy and some of the most freakish, gutting losses that any team has ever experienced... consolidated into the span of a few seasons (or even just one).

What more has to happen for this terrible saga to come to an end? What new levels of losing (to quote the irritating but often on-point Bill Simmons) will the football gods find for Arsenal in the remainder of this awful season? Right now, I’m envisioning a 5-4 loss to Tottenham midweek, in which we go up 4 nil and then manage to lose. William Gallas will score the winning goal. And then maybe Manchester United clinching the title (is that mathematically possible? Seems like it...) with a 5-0 beatdown at the Emirates, thus exacting revenge for 2002. Patrice Evra and Nani will score at least one each. Rooney will pick up the ball in his own penalty area, run the length of the field, nutmegging Fabregas, sidestepping Nasri, twirling beyond Djourou, and then lobbing Chesney with an inch-perfect chip. It will be the greatest goal ever scored in the Premier League, and people will talk about it for a century.

Frankly, if that’s what it takes to make this voodoo madness stop, then I can deal with it. But according to the Biblical prophecy (see above), we have at least one more season to go. For next year, I'm predicting a fourth place finish behind, wait for it... Spurs. After that, maybe there will be a return to normalcy. No more clumsy or freakish errors that come at the most inopportune moments. No more horrible refereeing decisions that go against us at crucial times (yes, yes, I know they're supposed to even out over the course of the season, but ask any Arsenal or Chelsea fan if they feel that the universe hasn't quite made up for some of the calls/no-calls of the past few years). And if Arsene is still around (and I pray that he is because for all his flaws, he's a fascinating, intelligent person and an amazing manager), I firmly believe I will see him lift another trophy with Arsenal. He and Captain Jack Wilshere.

In the meantime, Juan and I will be watching Boca Juniors and the Seattle Sounders. Because you just can't fight that Biblical ish. And because it’s easier when you just don’t give a damn.

It's Our 200th Post!

2011-04-14T09:19:00.011-04:00

It's been a great ride. The car blew out three of its tires, Jim's arm is stuck in the door that accidentally slammed on him when he got in last, and I'm sitting in the back wondering who's driving because I'm pretty sure we're headed for that cliff up ahead, but the car keeps on moving.

Despite the recent form, this is a time to reminisce. These are our favorite posts from the past 200, as voted on by our readers! (That means Jim and I).

2008

Before TLOCA took La Liga seriously, and before La Liga took themselves seriously, Real Madrid led the table and faced lowly Getafe in what would be a meaningless rout. Well In Case You Missed It, they lost, in such a way that Arsene Wenger termed, "meh, just you wait 3 years". But in all seriousness I'd like to point out that Barcelona finished 3rd that year, Jim and I weren't the only ones that thought Puyol was overrated, and Guti was good at soccer.
** Even the youtube link still works!
There isn't anything special about Will They Make It, except that the day after it was written, Arsenal walked into the San Siro for their second leg of the Champions League quarter finals and did what no English team had done before. It also just so happens that Cesc Fabregas was the culprit of a 30-yard missile, 6 minutes from stoppage time to bury the defending Champions League Champions. It may have led to The Fab Face (see above, left) and it may have been because Fab reads this blog.
** Unfortunately the links don't work, but they were memorable Arsenal goals in the Champions League.

Jim tackles The Five Best Derbies and it's a timeless piece unaffected by emotion or bias; I know this because Arsenal vs Tottenham isn't the #1 derby. Just look at that picture of Rafa; I knew this would be fun!
Another Friendly, when watching the United States play soccer is like bad sex.
It wasn't all Clasicos and Arsenal-Chelsea victories for TLOCA correspondents, believe it or not we used to go to USA friendlies. A Report From the Front tells the story about when Jim sees the Messiah in "Football" territory.
Another Brilliant Ad is a testament to when El Niño was the hottest thing in the Premier League and was leaving an array of defenders behind his beautiful red jersey. For the record, TLOCA still loves Fernando and is really hoping he scores a hattrick against Man United in a week.
It Was Never About the Fans complains about the days when Arsenal kept winning 1-nil, and ends with some humor from Arsene Wenger. This is also marks the point when Juan went from funny to surly, light-hearted to generally bitter.
Jim finishes 2008 with an economist-esque examination of the difference between two north London rivals, aptly titled Tottenham Hotspur: the Anti-Arsenal.

2009

After the Arsenal campaign ended with a whimper, and T-minus 12 days before the next campaign, Juan compares supporting Arsenal to a regretful night in college. The parallels are fascinating, hilarious, and disturbing.
It was a moment that Ireland will never forget. In Poor Ireland, Poor Me, Jim puts his perspective on the legacy of his favorite player and the consequences of Thierry Henry's handball with an occasional french joke and one epic photograph.

2010 - Present

Dedicated to Aaron Ramsey is contained anger, and The Culture of English Football is the sarcastic yet eye-opening follow up to an incident TLOCA will never forget.
On the eve of the Arsenal vs. Barcelona CL clash, Juan had been listening to a little too much Notorious BIG: Barça Bleeds.
The World Cup 2010. Uruguay vs. Ghana. Life After Death.
In August Juan decided to leave the United States and pursue his love of soccer under the guise of "International Medicine". A Night In Barcelona is his first post from Sunny Spain.
A classic song deserves a classic post. In the Words of Ice Cube combines the two and serves as a snapshot of the soccer scene before the whole world went mad. Proof that there was normalcy before 4-4 draws and goals in 13 minutes of stoppage time.
Juan went to El Clasico, Jim went to the Emirates. Both are first hand accounts with original videos and photos.
And last but not least is my personal favorite, You're Welcome, Sincerely Barcelona FC. Diego Forlán comes to Barcelona to visit, while Quique Sanchez Flores runs interference; a gushing encounter of Uruguay's icon.

Here's to 200 more!

A March To Forget

2011-04-13T04:43:00.004-04:00

For Jim and I, the month of March went alot like Richie Tenenbaum's last tennis match.

The "something" that happened was the combination of a few things. The Carling Cup final on February 27th left us confused and reacting in such a way that had psychologists scrambling for more notepads. Then there was the second leg of the Barcelona game, a 90 minute thesis on the 7 steps of grief; I promise we still haven't reached step 7. I'll throw in the FA cup too, you know, because I've never seen such an overt mockery of Wenger-ball. You realize Ferguson put out 7 defenders right, but I digress.

We ignored losing the first set 6-love, carried on to lose the second set 6-love, and at four-love in the third and final set, Jim and I looked up in the stands and saw Manchester United marrying the EPL trophy.

There we were, wandering around our respective lives without shoes on, and having lost one sock. The commentators could very well be Franny and Emily, not truly understanding what the hell went wrong.

Soon, cognitive dissonance will take over: We want to win trophies but we don't want to pay market-price for experienced players. So we tell ourselves the market is all screwed up, and rich russian and oil tycoons are ruining the sport. But before cognitive dissonance, and near the end of the season, we'll instead morph into Royal Te nenbaum, asking ourselves what the hell happened. Just like the season before that, and the season before that.

If it's possible to reach the last stage with only hope and not acceptance, then perhaps we have reached stage 7. I doubt it. Still, somewhere, in some pleasing dream world, I imagine Arsenal beating United, Chelsea exacting their revenge the next week, and then, on the final day of the Premier League, Ian Holloway will finally be rewarded for encouraging positive, attractive football, and force a relegation-saving-draw which just so happens to be a title-winning-one too.

I'm still allowed to dream right?

Surely This Cannot Be Possible

2011-02-26T21:04:00.001-05:00

This.

And that's all I want to say for now. This could be huge, ladies and gentlemen.

Arsenal 2, The Greatest Team Ever 1

2011-02-16T16:34:00.005-05:00

Oh it was a good one.

This was for the Barcelona fans who started ole'ing in the 30th minute, for the time Victor Valdez decided it would be cool to volley the ball out of his box instead of simply picking it up, for the time Sergio Busquets realized he lacked one decent offensive move and lost out to Cesc Fabregas.

This win was for Pep Guardiola, who took Villa off in the 65th minute, for Xavi, who still hasn't arrived in London, and for Iniesta, who's only contribution to the stat sheet today was getting substituted for someone I'm unfamiliar with.

It was for Van Persie, who went and hugged Arsene Wenger after his goal, knowing he was right; for Samir Nasri, who somehow managed 90 great minutes after a hamstring injury, and especially for putting Dani Alves in his place.

The win was for the fans at the Emirates, who ironically sang, "we've got Cesc Fabregas" after our 2nd goal, for Kenny Chesney, our keeper who is the only one on earth with more confidence than Nicklas Bendtner, and for our awfully under appreciated back-four. And for Eboue, who I expect to see shirtless for the next 7 days.

Most of all this win was for Andrei Arshavin, who tucked away the most important goal of his career with such smoothness and nonchalance that the replay seemed to lie. Had time truly stopped in his eyes? How could he possibly be so sure?
Welcome back - my light - Andrei Arshavin.

Regardless of what happens in the Camp Nou, thank you Arsenal. You showed the world that Barcelona Football Club isn't just fallible, but beatable at their own game.

Dear Gennaro Gattuso

2011-02-16T10:58:00.004-05:00

Some questions after the brawl/match last night:

1) Are Milan that bad? Can someone who has actually been watching their games please inform me if last night was a total fluke or if they're really that blah (and it somehow works for them because the Serie A is just weak).

2) Who would win in a fight: Crouch or Gattuso?

3) Who would win in a fight: Joe Jordan or Gattuso?

4) Who would win in a fight: Gattuso or the ground?

5) Who would win in a fight: Flamini or Corluka's ankle?

6) Was last night's win over Milan the greatest achievement in the history of soccer? Are Tottenham now the best team in football? Does it matter that Arsenal went into the San Siro in 2008 and punk'd Pirlo, Kaka, and co. 2-0 when Milan had a substantially better squad and were the holders of the Champions League trophy? No, I'm not suggesting the press are overreacting. I'm just asking the questions.

And I look forward to getting some answers. Or at least some that aren't answered by the pictures in this article. Apparently, there's a really important match later today, but I can't remember what that is. Updates later.

Good Morning!

2011-02-12T12:58:00.021-05:00

Welcome to a special edition of The Legend of Carl Awesome. Through the miracle of the internet, your humble correspondents are able to present you with a rundown of the Manchester Derby (and the first half of Arsenal-Wolves) as viewed through our twisted and biased lens. Three points if you make it to the end:

Citeh's buildup is good, but every time they start to look a little threatening, the final ball is laughably bad.
06:54:19 Juan: im glad carlos and silva decided to do their best mls impression for these first 10 minutes
06:54:42 Jim: great passing and then a horrible final ball
06:56:02 Juan: did you catch up on my suarez take
06:56:16 Jim: i did indeed
06:56:25 Juan: it's not a bad ceiling, right?
06:56:27 Juan: arshavin?
06:56:32 Jim: not at all
06:56:45 Juan: i actually took a long time thinking who it could be
06:56:48 Jim: also, i love the podcast talking about how arshavin is unreasonably hated
06:58:54 Juan: the podcast was great
06:59:08 Jim: it's as good as the arsecast is terrible
06:59:12 Jim: well, maybe that's pushing it
06:59:34 Juan: yeah, only because by that logic the "footballistically arsenal" dudes would win a new nobel prize in spoken word

Lots of fouls, midfield getting congested.
07:05:24 Juan: this is getting a bit chippy
07:06:07 Jim: do you mean kompany's foul?
07:06:16 Juan: yes
07:06:18 Juan: then o'shea
07:06:19 Jim: yeah
07:09:09 Jim: anderson, please close your mouth
07:09:18 Juan: lol
07:09:34 Juan: he thinks it's closed jim
07:11:39 Jim: rooney is trying to get a yellow card with his "english determination"
07:12:00 Jim: wow, he almost succeeded, too
07:12:09 Juan: like a mule plowing a field
07:12:13 Jim: indeed
07:12:15 Jim: a donkey with a huge cart strapped to its back
07:12:15 Juan: the english players add so much to the game
07:12:25 Jim: running at full speed

Scholes sends a long, perfect cross-field ball to the wing.
07:14:14 Jim: i know scholes is an annoying old ginger, but he can still spread that ball around like buttah
07:15:12 Juan: like warm butter on a nice pancake
07:15:20 Jim: on that note, i think a good argument that xavi is overrated is to ask yourself: would it really make a difference if paul scholes replaced him in the barca midfield?
07:15:31 Jim: honestly, he'd probably do just fine
07:15:39 Juan: yeah, arsene wenger ruined scholes for me with his hilarious, "he's a great player with a shaky past" line, or something like that
07:17:09 Jim: definitely a lot of terrible fouls
07:17:18 Jim: he never actually learned how to tackle
07:17:40 Jim: and he's infamous for stupid, blatant handballs
07:18:03 Juan: yeah he did that against wolves
07:18:08 Juan: was he even carded for that?
07:18:18 Jim: yeah, yellow card
07:19:26 Jim: a classic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kme2xaGi49A
07:19:41 Juan: stupid
07:19:51 Juan: it should have been the color of his crotch

Nani scores! 1 nil to United.
07:26:15 Jim: darn
07:26:25 Jim: how did they let that happen
07:26:47 Juan: cuz nani is nice
07:26:58 Juan: "nice" like how a dude would use it to describe a girl
07:26:59 Jim: yeah
07:27:08 Juan: quite a touch there
07:27:15 Jim: that crazy backflip he does is also pretty impressive
07:27:23 Jim: "we do what we waaaaant"
07:27:28 Jim: i kind of love that they sing that
07:27:49 Juan: what's the end of that?
07:28:08 Jim: and then "we're man united, and we do want we want"
07:28:17 Juan: ha
07:28:42 Juan: i need a piss test for ryan giggs, please
07:29:05 Juan: hes looking awfully frisky today
07:29:51 Jim: it's because sir alex switched him to a blend of chow for more mature pets
07:30:16 Juan: LOL
07:30:25 Juan: did you just make that up?
07:30:27 Juan: that is golden
07:30:29 Juan: i read it twice
07:30:34 Jim: haha i did
07:30:40 Juan: fantastic sir
07:30:41 Juan: well in
07:31:00 Jim: thank you

The speed of the match increases as Citeh realize they're in trouble and United try to put the match to bed with a quick follow-up before halftime.
07:31:08 Juan: dang
07:31:15 Juan: these players are really good when they open up
07:31:24 Juan: we need more soccer all star games
07:31:29 Jim: i agree
07:31:44 Juan: sometimes its not fun being so disciplined
07:34:57 Jim: i was reading the other day about soccer strategies
07:35:05 Jim: how it's not really a quest to find a perfect one
07:35:11 Jim: it's more like rock, paper, scissors
07:35:33 Jim: and how liverpool were playing an 80s style lineup with basically 3 center backs against chelsea
07:35:35 Jim: and it worked
07:35:35 Juan: rock paper scissors and barcelona
07:35:40 Jim: ah yes
07:35:46 Jim: i forgot that one
07:35:47 Juan: hahah that's what they'd say
07:35:48 Juan: anyway
07:35:48 Juan: go on
07:35:50 Jim: "gun" = barcelona
07:36:14 Juan: it's like rock paper glock

Hating on Soccernet...

07:36:36 Jim: http://espn.go.com/sports/soccer/news/_/id/6104189/liverpool-use-three-man-backline-unique-premier-league
07:36:53 Jim: one of the few times that soccernet has genuinely entertained and/or educated me about anything
07:36:56 Juan: yeah i read that
07:36:59 Juan: it's because hes freelance
07:37:03 Jim: must be
07:37:03 Juan: and doesn't actually work for them
07:37:49 Jim: yeah
07:38:03 Juan: which is probably better for espn
07:38:11 Juan: i find it hard to believe the higher ups don't realize they're mostly shit
07:38:25 Juan: they brought in [david] hirshey, they allow some more freelance stuff
07:38:32 Juan: espn now has a really big investment in soccer
07:38:36 Jim: hirshey cracks me up
07:39:03 Juan: yeah i like hirshey

Halftime Highlights and Some Internet Browsing.
07:40:23 Jim: here's a heartwarming story: http://sports.espn.go.com/los-angeles/soccer/news/story?id=6105411
07:40:32 Jim: i like what he said to beckham, i think that's exactly what i would have said
07:41:25 Juan: i mean, we would have said it in a very inappropriate tone
07:41:30 Jim: it's true
07:41:31 Juan: but yes, on print it would look the same
07:41:41 Jim: i would have said it while slowly unbuttoning my shirt
07:41:57 Juan: and shielding your kids' eyes
07:42:10 Jim: "kids, go wait in the car"
07:42:28 Juan: "daddy is gonna show david how much he loves him"
07:42:35 Jim: AHAHAHA
07:42:46 Juan: hahaha im dying over here
07:42:48 Jim: if i don't stop laughing, my girlfriend is going to come in here
07:42:58 Jim: and ask what's so funny that made me wake her up
07:43:09 Jim: and i'll have to explain that i'm making jokes about being gay with david beckham
07:43:27 Juan: she'll probably nod and just turn and walk away
07:44:05 Juan: "kids, go tell mom to put on her david beckham jersey for when i get home"
07:44:34 Jim: LOL

Citeh substitution: Edin Dzeko comes on for James Milner.
08:04:11 Juan: um
08:04:13 Juan: jesus christ
08:04:17 Juan: how big is edin dzeko?
08:04:27 Jim: fairly large
08:04:30 Juan: dude looks like a monster
08:05:59 Jim: actually, according to wikipedia, dude is 6'4
08:06:04 Jim: that's pretty huge
08:06:12 Jim: not llorente huge, but close
08:06:56 Jim: like the bosnian paul bunyan

Good run and cross from Wright-Phillips. Dzeko's ensuing shot deflects off Silva and into the goal! All square again.
08:08:24 Juan: hey-o
08:08:29 Juan: this is the best result for us
08:08:39 Jim: oh snap
08:08:56 Jim: aw a-aww yeahh
08:09:30 Jim: that's the first useful thing i've seen shaun wright-phillips do in like four years
08:09:51 Juan: yeah, wenger was right about him

Ball played into Tevez, Van der Sar makes a fantastic save. Flag was up, however.
08:11:10 Juan: only van der saar saves that
08:11:13 Juan: what an asshole
08:11:23 Jim: point blank
08:11:44 Jim: how does a man that old have reflexes like a cat?
08:12:06 Juan: they're gonna hurt once he leaves...
08:12:12 Jim: reina?
08:12:19 Juan: ... for like, a game, then they'll buy another good goalie, since that's what serious teams do
08:12:52 Jim: good thing we have a good goalie now in woldcheck szczczc kenny chesney
08:13:00 Juan: HAHAHAH
08:13:05 Juan: kenny chesney
08:13:38 Jim: honestly, when his family was on ellis island, he was probably kenny sczeszny or whatever
08:13:45 Jim: and the immigration officials were like f that
08:14:08 Jim: your name is chesney and you're going to be a country singer

A lull in the action, then Berbatov shows off his skills.
08:16:13 Juan: jesus berba
08:16:14 Juan: just class
08:16:27 Jim: holy crap
08:17:02 Jim: lazy, languid moves
08:17:08 Jim: as he slicks back his hair
08:17:14 Jim: and allows the barest of smiles
08:17:18 Juan: and sprays himself with deodorant
08:17:27 Jim: yeah, covers himself with davidoff's cool water
08:17:30 Juan: he's the continental
08:17:30 Jim: that's what he bathes in

Wayne Rooney scores perhaps the finest goal I've ever seen.
08:21:38 Juan: wow
08:21:42 Jim: oh
08:21:45 Juan: wow
08:21:50 Jim: oh
08:21:54 Juan: um
08:21:55 Juan: wow
08:21:58 Juan: what
08:21:58 Juan: the
08:21:59 Jim: oh my
08:21:59 Juan: fuck
08:22:06 Jim: oh my goodness
08:22:13 Juan: thats a joke, right?
08:22:14 Juan: holy fuck
08:22:19 Juan: that replay is just, wow
08:22:21 Jim: jesus dude
08:22:23 Jim: that is perfect
08:22:28 Juan: even ferguson goes, FUCK
08:22:36 Jim: OH MY GOD
08:22:39 Jim: look at that thing
08:22:46 Jim: chicharito went crazy
08:23:10 Juan: hahahah my goodness
08:23:19 Jim: they do what they want, apparently
08:23:25 Juan: wait
08:23:28 Juan: there's more replays
08:23:37 Juan: ones where joe hart seems a little displeased
08:24:24 Jim: alright citeh, what do you have to say about that?

David Beckham is in attendance! Meanwhile, Citeh look shell-shocked.
08:25:28 Jim: love you david
08:25:58 Juan: how do you recover from that?
08:26:15 Juan: somewhere, noel gallagher just shot up heroin

Final whistle.
08:38:15 Juan: whatever, this is probably better for the world this way
08:38:22 Jim: yeah
08:38:29 Jim: also, that goal
08:38:48 Jim: just absurd
08:39:00 Jim: united will lose to liverpool
08:39:07 Jim: there's no doubt in my mind
08:39:41 Jim: and they could lose to us, too

On Rooney's Overhead Laser Beam, which will henceforth be abbreviated "RGAC" (Rooney's Goal Against Citeh)...
08:40:16 Jim: even good rooney has only a few of those goals in his locker
08:41:05 Juan: whatever
08:41:08 Juan: welcome to the club, citeh
08:41:14 Jim: yep
08:41:18 Juan: wondergoals always beat arsenal
08:41:22 Jim: it's true
08:41:26 Jim: even that last newcastle goal
08:41:32 Jim: i would say: borderline wonder
08:42:08 Juan: borderline?
08:42:12 Juan: jim, it was voted goal of the month
08:42:31 Jim: after rooney's goal...
08:42:35 Juan: well
08:42:39 Jim: i'm no longer impressed by anything.
08:42:48 Juan: we should do that...
08:42:51 Juan: just raise the bar after that
08:42:55 Juan: expecting all goals to look like that
08:43:16 Jim: be like "that was a nice goal. i rate it 1/10th Rooney's goal against Citeh
08:43:33 Jim: or "wow, what a strike: 0.25 Rooney's goal against citeh"
08:45:08 Juan: "i mean, it wasnt an overhead volley to the upper 90"
08:45:14 Juan: "but i guess it was a nice goal by you, too"
08:45:21 Jim: tiote's goal was like 70% RGAC
08:45:37 Jim: great technique
08:45:45 Jim: but he wasn't upside down when he did it
08:46:25 Juan: "Flaws - wasn't done upside down"
08:46:44 Jim: "also, was not flying through the air and contorting his body like an acrobat"
08:46:54 Jim: "-25 RGAC points"

Gearing Up for the Mighty Arsenal...
08:47:15 Juan: alrighty
08:47:20 Juan: 13 minutes till arsenal
08:47:22 Jim: yep
08:47:25 Juan: HOLLER
08:47:29 Jim: you staying on, or heading out?
08:47:36 Juan: i'm staying
08:47:38 Jim: because i think this conversation should continue
08:47:41 Jim: through the first half
08:47:45 Juan: i have a hangover that would kill me if i tried to get up
08:47:54 Jim: big night last night?
08:48:05 Juan: 5 exams in 5 days ended last night sir

ESPN shows highlights from last weekend's disaster.
08:56:36 Juan: thank you, espn
08:56:43 Juan: i had forgotten what happened against newcastle
08:58:05 Jim: i've honestly been trying to forget
08:58:20 Juan: last saturday should be called "Match Fixing Day"
08:58:35 Juan: league wide match-fixing day occurred just 7 days ago

Kickoff for Arsenal. Torrential rain and hail.
09:02:13 Jim: uh, look at this hail
09:02:29 Juan: hail?
09:02:36 Juan: jesus
09:03:06 Juan: hahah based on this winter i thought you were talking about stl
09:03:13 Jim: haha no
09:03:51 Juan: VP is looking fresh today...
09:03:51 Jim: wolves only play well against good teams
09:03:55 Jim: yeah, wilshere too
09:03:59 Juan: he'll probably tear his acl
09:04:19 Jim: dammit juan

Free kick outside the box to Arsenal.
09:04:21 Jim: come on rvp
09:04:27 Jim: do it
09:04:33 Juan: do it
09:04:34 Juan: do it
09:04:36 Jim: dooooo it
09:04:42 Jim: long run up
09:04:48 Juan: do not sail this over the goal
09:04:51 Juan: do not sail this over the goal
09:04:51 Jim: dang

Some slick moves from Adam Hamill. It comes to nothing, and shortly thereafter, RVP strikes and it's 1 nil to the Arsenal!
09:16:56 Jim: wowww
09:17:02 Juan: wow
09:17:04 Juan: just like that
09:17:10 Jim: rvp's goal is nice
09:17:16 Juan: he doesnt appear to be hurt either
09:17:17 Jim: 20% RGAC?
09:17:17 Juan: amazing
09:17:21 Jim: and not hurt
09:17:31 Juan: he had a little sideways going
09:17:33 Juan: i might go 30%
09:17:42 Juan: off foot
09:17:45 Juan: very nice
09:17:55 Jim: yeah

One of us is failing in his duties...
09:32:32 Juan: stop getting ready for brunch jim and watch the game
09:34:24 Jim: sorry dude
09:34:25 Jim: wha happened
09:34:30 Juan: hahaha
09:34:36 Juan: um, arshavin on a break
09:34:44 Juan: walcott with a gaping goal
09:34:46 Juan: saved
09:38:16 Juan: we're locking down though
09:39:04 Jim: djourou and sagna are so good
09:39:27 Juan: sagna especially
09:39:37 Juan: jury is still out for me on djourou
09:39:45 Juan: after that last play, i can see why people hype him

Djourou gets away with a clumsy tackle inside the area. At the other end, Arshavin appears to be brought down.
09:42:19 Jim: great tackle
09:42:43 Jim: or not
09:42:48 Jim: but it looked like one
09:42:51 Jim: in real time
09:43:01 Jim: OK NOW THAT IS A PENALTY DAMMIT
09:43:48 Juan: how does he not give that?
09:43:55 Jim: replay shows that it’s pretty minimal contact
09:44:00 Juan: oh i see
09:44:02 Jim: but i thought it was a pen, i was fooled
09:44:07 Juan: me too
09:44:11 Jim: well honestly, i've seen that given
09:44:14 Juan: i dont know man
09:44:17 Juan: his jersey gets tugged
09:44:21 Juan: that should be an automatic
09:44:27 Jim: that's what i initially thought, too
09:44:29 Juan: apparently this ref has only given 4 pens all year
09:44:42 Juan: that is to say, double what phil bought in 1 game

09:53:11 Jim: bring us to victory
09:53:41 Juan: alright sir
09:53:43 Juan: I’ll send some emails
09:54:05 Juan: enjoy your hollandaise sauce

"Your Fans Just Know What You Need, But I Know What You Want" - Luis Suarez

2011-02-10T14:47:00.008-05:00

To think, Luis Suarez's career at Liverpool, for a moment, was at the feet of Andy Wilkinson. No, no, it wasn't the way you might think. It was a little more subtle than a two footed challenge from behind.

It was Wilkinson, a member of the Disturbed Donkey Football Club, also called Stoke City, who failed to clear Suarez's dramatic debut goal off the line. You shouldn't be surprised I guess, Wilkinson has spent his whole career one step behind the game. This time though, a studs up challenge to the ball wouldn't reduce it's will to go in.

Might this be destiny?

It sure seems that way. Let's consider the circumstances of his move. The transfer comes months after The Hand of God remix (feat. Double Fist Pump Celebration). Luis is also not the first highly rated Uruguayan striker to come to England. The one before Suarez, uh, didn't really pan out. And we all know the media is about as friendly as the sun is shining in England.

Add to that how Liverpool was in drop zone this year a stunning 9 (!) games into their campaign. That is not a typo. So yeah, Liverpool is capable of struggling as of late. It's not just Arsenal in the midst of an extremely weird EPL this season, wondering how they're so far up the table.
Oh, and I almost forgot, Luis is "replacing" Fernando Torres.

Did I leave anything out? Africa killer, Forlán's legacy, reactionary media, struggling team with a usually delusional fan-base, replacing El Niño... yeah I think that covers it. Out of those 6 potentially suffocating factors, 4 of them come into play if Wilkinson is a half-step faster.

My heart, of course, would love it if Suarez is hugely successful at Liverpool, but my head says it won't happen. The Luis I know would have to change a few things to be a star in England. For starters he would have to lose the knack he, and other Uruguayan players have for missing the easy goal. 81 goals in 110 appearances for Ajax is something special, considering that it could have been 162. His biggest strength is creating chances, or at least receiving the chances, damnt you know what I mean. I can look past "easy" misses; it's the opportunities to score that matter. Luis is great at that since he's basically an onside Pipo Inzaghi when it comes scoring opportunities. He just has a tendency to squander chances.

It's simple really, the EPL is much less understanding when it comes to misses. Luis will have to survive that, because it's going to happen. Consider it a TLOCA guarantee.

He'll also have to adapt to the England. That is to say, he'll have to grow stronger leg bones so that they don't get broken so easily, develop a dislike for the sun, shed the hatred from a largely xenophobic population, and brush off a media that killed princess Diana. You may have noticed, but these are all the things that Forlán didn't do. Diego, I must mention, also took 26 games to get his first goal for United, a statistic I still can't believe.

The good news, and never remind me that I wrote this, is that Andy Carroll is a good striking partner. He's physical, capable of finishing all of Luis' crosses, and likely to get into more trouble off the field. Andy also cost more too, so in theory he should get more flak if Liverpool burn out.

So my final answer is this - Suarez can be as successful as Andrei Arshavin, or as unsuccessful as Giovani Dos Santos. Let's hope it's the first guy.

You're Welcome. Sincerely, Barcelona FC

2011-02-08T11:05:00.011-05:00

Why there was confetti I'm not sure, but with my arms out I looked to the sky as the over-head camera slowly spun higher and higher into the air. The crowd clapped and barefoot children that had rushed the field lovingly brushed the confetti off of my shoulder. Moments ago, in the 93rd minute, I had given Diego Forlán a lovely through-ball that he finished emphatically in the top corner. His goal was the third that beat Barcelona, 3 to 2.

I was enjoying my dream as the train arrived and when I stepped on I was greeted by an ominous sign; someone had thrown up all over ground. Suddenly the empty train made sense to me now. So did all the horrified faces that expected me to step in the vomit. (Ding ding ding) Before I could run out of the doors closed behind me. I held my nose and turned away. Yep, an ominous sign indeed.

I arrive at the stadium and sit in my seat the exact moment Atlético Madrid comes out to warm up. Booooo, the crowd says, but they don't really mean it. I scan the players on the field frantically until I find you-know-who and remember to breathe again. You see, I had read a rumor on the interwebs that Quique Sanchez Flores, the Atlético manager, would not be starting the World Cup's best player. Phew. He's in the building everyone, no need to panic!

Oh. Oh wait. He's wearing warm-ups. Well not just warm-ups, he's wearing the full warm-up outfit that 10 other players and 1 goalie are not wearing. I count the passing-lines again. Shit! Ten. Hold-up, I think I got 9. It wouldn't surprise me at all if Diego doesn't warm up with the rest of the proletariat. ...8, 9, ten. Shit!! Diego is not starting. Damn you Quique, damn you to hell. To make matters worse, Javier Mascherano walks over to Doug and starts chatting him up. I may be a thousand meters away, but I can tell Diego's not really in to the convo.

So I watch them converse for longer than I would have liked and Mascherano finally walks away. An errant ball flies at Diego and he back-heels it back to where it came. That moment of class is quickly ruined because Gabby Milito jogs over and starts conversing with Forlán. Is this some kind of sick joke?

Once the game starts and I finally have clear, incontrovertible proof that Diego Forlán is in fact, not starting, a wave of bitterness overwhelms me.

Really? Really everyone? Barcelona is so unbeatable that Q. Florez Sanchez , having lost 3 out of the previous 3 games, thinks it's best to try a defensive formation against The Barcelona Futbol Club, aka, Barça F. Baby, the greatest team alive. The same squad that put a 5-hand on Real Madrid. The same squad that causes managers to rest 8 of their 11 starters? The squad that made one manager say, "If it were up to me we'd give them 6 points every year and play 36 games."

Alright that last one wasn't true, but still, can't we even try to compete against them, guys? The answer that Atlético gave was, no (!), and the same is true for 16 other teams in La Liga that mention Leonel Messi in their press-conferences just to get some air-time. It's starting to get annoying.

Oh look, Messi scored. Oh look, Messi scored again. No doubt he's getting a hat-trick tonight... yawn (yawn). The half-time whistle blows and I'm given 15 minutes to try and regain my composure. The Pakistani ooh'ing and aw'ing over simple passes and yelling Bar-sha, instead of Bar-sa, definitely got to me. Let's be frank, I was having a meltdown.

Of course, Doug E. Fresh snaps me back to reality. He has come out to warm up - just him and the trainer - and it's clear he's coming on to begin the second half. I crack a smile and dopamine washes over me. "Time to get the camera out!!" I say to myself, in Barefoot Contessa's voice. (I had already taken, um, 10 pictures of him standing on the field an hour ago.)

The players take the field for the second half and the 4th referee finally holds up the neon lights everyone came here to watch. 7. Yes. Atlético comes out of the gates with some giddy-up, naturally, and for a brief moment they look threatening. My bias knows no end, so I'll let Jimbo tell the story: "Scoreline was maybe a little misleading at the end, especially because Atletico were like 3x better with Forlan on the field". I concur.

Messi, of course, bags his hat-trick. Before I let you know how sour these grapes are, I would like to point out that two of his three goals that night were very fortuitous. Deflections that could have gone anywhere settled at his feet warmly, while goalies and defenders flailed around like pigeons scattering from a running child. He's getting all the breaks, the whole team is, there's no point in denying it. I'm not trying to say they didn't earn it, you know, the same way Dimitar Berbatov deserves all his near-post goals.

The full-time whistle sounded, and immediately the anthem blasted from the speakers. Diego played well. It was in a 3-nil loss in which he played only 45 minutes and his manager conceded before the team bus arrived, but he played well nonetheless. There was a moment around the 60th minute when he seemed to pull the earth out of orbit. He received the ball near the corner flag and dribbled at Pique. Gerard Pique everyone. The like, greatest defender on this earth. Gerard assumed his crouch and strafed, ready for yet another shot defended or pass deflected to fill up his stat sheet. Diego, maintaining his stride, looked down, feinted a cross, made a cut and effortlessly skipped around Pique. My heart stopped. It was still 2-nil at this point and Doug just made Gerard Pique look like a Serie A defender. The cross lead to nothing, Kun flubed the shot, but it did lead to my epiphany.

Yes, you are witnessing a team that only comes around every fifty years. You are all privileged to know someone, who knows someone, who has season tickets to the Camp Nou. But that doesn't mean this squad is unbeatable. The respect given to this team hours and even days before their "competition" steps on the field is too much. And not every pass they make is inch perfect. I was there, I watched every pass. It's gotten to the point where Xavi or Iniesta get away with mistakes and bad touches simply because they've been given too much respect.

There are only three instances when the opposition played Barcelona FC straight up, as equals. The first was Hercules, they won, the second was Real Madrid, they lost by I forget how many (no I don't, it was five), and the third was Espanyol, who lost 5-1. The remaining 16 teams in La Liga should be ashamed. The rest of La Liga comes out on the pitch and metaphorically empties their pockets and hands over their car keys. "Thanks for beating us so easily!", they whisper face down with their arms behind their backs.

You're welcome.

Sincerely, Barcelona FC

Leather and Glass

2011-02-02T09:21:00.008-05:00

As Juan mentioned earlier, we passed TLOCA's three-year anniversary last month (January 15th, to be exact). According to this website, the traditional anniversary gift for the third year is leather, and the modern gift is crystal/glass. So if anyone would like to send us a pair of the pants that David Bentley undoubtedly wears around his house and any part of Robin van Persie's body, that should satisfy both the traditional and the modern gift requirements.

To business. First, regarding Liverpool's two new strikers: (1) I'm excited to see this play out, and (2) how on earth is Andy Carroll worth 12.5 million pounds more than Luis Suarez? I mean, I understand the whole "he's English and he's really tall" argument, but so is Peter Crouch. I also recognize that they have extremely different playing styles, but I would take Suarez over Carroll any day. Eighty-one goals in 110 appearances for Ajax? Sure, it's the Dutch league, but throw a fine World Cup performance on top of that, and he's worth twice as much as Carroll in my view. It's just too bad that Arsenal would never spend that. Or maybe it's for the best because it would have caused Juan to immediately buy that jersey and have a heart attack from excitement after putting it on.

Rio Ferdinand is definitely growing on me. Don't get me wrong, I still desperately need to see United lose a game, and if he were the one to score a shocking own goal to make it so, I would laugh loud and uncontrollably. But I enjoy him telling it like it is. Opining that Lord Samir of Nasri has been the player of the season thus far (get well soon, Samir of). Calling out Andy Gray and Richard Keys as "dinosaurs." Well done, England captain.

A quick jaunt around Europe: Barca greatest team ever, etc. Even Jose may want out because he's run up against a juggernaut - we'll see him at United in two seasons max. Maybe even next year, if, gulp, United continue on like this. Don't look now, but Roma are fifth in the Serie A with two games in hand on Milan. After starting the season looking like relegation fodder, they're once again proving that their masters of the creep. Slowly, quietly creeping up the table. Sunday's clash with Inter should be good viewing.

Speaking of Sunday, what are the odds on Torres scoring? Let's take a little video recap, shall we?

First Liverpool goal.

Or this.

Yep.

Remember these?

And I know there are a couple more out there. In fact, I'm a little surprised that Chelsea didn't spend all that money just to break his legs out of bitterness and spite. But I guess they were just as curious as the rest of us to see what would happen if they put the best two strikers of the past few seasons (apologies to David Villa, he's up there, too) on the same front line. Of course, they waited until after one got malaria and the other effed his hamstring. But hey, you can't have everything.

A Dispatch from the Emirates

2011-01-29T16:42:00.005-05:00

"There's only one team in Russia." This was the chant we were greeted with as we exited the tube at the appropriately named "Arsenal" stop. From the other end of the platform came a surprisingly loud response: "Five years, and you've won f*ckall." Hello there, Chelsea supporters. I guess it wasn't a huge surprise - after all, our train had originated in blue territory.

The walk inside the tube station seems to last forever. It's a crush of people, and you walk up a long incline to reach the actual exit. Frequently, an Arsenal or Chelsea shout rises above the throng, and depending on the song and the receptiveness of the crowd, either immediately dies out or ignites like flame to newspaper. I want to join in, especially with the more obscene chants - my time with the gooners at Nevada Smith's taught me well - but I'm with my dad and my younger brother. Propriety wins out for the time being.

Once outside the tube station, it's still several blocks to the stadium. It's a chilly, damp evening with a very light drizzle that occasionally looks and feels as though snow is falling. The weather has been like this for two days, and it will persist until we leave. England is nothing if not predictable in this way. Like the most important and enormous U.S. sporting events, almost all the roads around the area have been closed for pedestrian-use only. Shops and carts hawking knockoff jerseys, scarves, and grub line the streets. I see some amazing t-shirts that would either cost $40+ after shipping to the U.S. or that would be simply unavailable. But the throng is moving too fast, and I insist on being inside the stadium to see the players warm up. Next time.

The first few minutes of this video give a good idea of that walk.

The Emirates is large, and it is impressive. I doubt it has the same grandeur as Milan's San Siro, Barca's Nou Camp (Juan, I'll have to come over and find out soon), or Madrid's Bernabeu. Heck, Old Trafford is supposed to be pretty impressive. But I'm sufficiently awed. I'm not sure if they're planning on adding more, but the murals are pretty awesome, and appear at random intervals around the stadium. These murals depict the backs of Arsenal legends, arm in arm, transcending their individual eras, teammates forever. It's fair to say that I'm getting pretty amped at this point.

When we get inside, I can't believe where we're sitting. Without going into too much detail, the seats that I thought were upper-deckers turned out to be just the opposite. The numbers I thought referred to a section actually referred to a luxury box almost directly above the corner flag. I was surprised when we initially got tickets, because the game was an obvious sell-out. But this is crazy. We're in the front row of the section. The view of the field is sublime. I grab my free match program and lineup card. The only drawback: directly below us, a high-spirited group of blue-clad individuals produces a tremendous amount of noise and directs a few choice hand gestures at the surrounding sections. Hello again, Chelsea supporters.

During warmups, my brother and I spend a few minutes just identifying the key players for our father. Kickoff approaches rapidly. Elvis Presley's "The Wonder of You" floats through the misty night air and lingers above the rapidly growing crowd. We're getting close. The music from Requiem for a Dream (the English really love that soundtrack) blasts as the jumbotron shows highlights from past Arsenal-Chelsea clashes and great Arsenal goals. I think about one of the last emails I received before I left the hotel. My fellow TLOCA correspondent sent me instructions to take pictures and video and concluded with a prediction: "3-1 Arsenal. Write it down." Given the recent history between the sides, my hopes are more modest. A 1-1 draw. And maybe, just maybe, a 2-1 victory. Kickoff.

The game starts at a frantic pace. I'm struggling to take it all in. Stream of consciousness time. Good chances for both teams. RVP should do better with an incredibly good chipped pass from Song. Song has obviously been hanging out with Cesc and Wilshere a lot. Cesc and Nasri have fantastic close control. If they want it to be, the ball is dead the instant it touches their feet. Drogba may have been sick, but he's still a physical presence that causes problems. Fail to deal with him at your peril. He sends a torpedo just wide of the post. Theo is FAST. Like, unbelievably fast. Like Mike Vick fast. He gives Ashley a hell of a time, and we eat it up.

BOOOOO. We hate Ashley Cole. Oh yes, indeed. We also consistently express our dislike for the classy, and not at all terrible person known as John Terry. (Drogba also gets booed, but it's a respectful boo. It's the kind of boo that non-Cardinals fans give Albert Pujols.) But we really save it for Ca$hley. Over the course of warm-ups, he was booed. During the game, he was booed literally every time he came near the ball, let alone touched it. When he so much as appeared to move his mouth or talk to the referee or an Arsenal player, he was booed mercilessly. The crowd never got tired of it. Other than the goals and the final whistle, the biggest cheer of the night came when Theo cleverly got himself fouled by A. Cole. Yellow card. Humongous din.

Meanwhile, another battle is taking place. The song wars began before kickoff, and they persist throughout the first half. I do my part. But for the majority of the first half, the Chelsea supporters give a very good account of themselves. For one, Arsenal isn't known for being the loudest venue (after all, Highbury was nicknamed "the library" by opposing fans), and because of the self-selection involved, these Chelsea fans are the craziest die-hards. They're loud, fearless, and inebriated. But now and then, they get riled up when "Sh*t Club, No History" rings out across the remainder of the stadium. It's fun to see them collectively bristle.

"Super Frankie Lampard" Wasn't So Super That Night

Arsenal's ticky-tacky and insistence on walking it into the net is even more frustrating in person. And when you're surrounded by 55,000 other people that are screaming for someone to shoot, it's even more magnified. Even my father, a self-proclaimed neutral (mostly for the benefit of my brother, a Chelsea fan), begins yelling out that familiar blend of encouragement and frustration. Nasri finally obliges with a beautiful and skillful shot. Top corner... until Cech answers with a poster-worthy save. Crap. Back to ticky-tacky. How many times, in how many pubs, have we felt this? You get worked up into a frenzy that has no signs of being released. Of course, that is, until the ticky-tacky actually works, and in the span of maybe 1.5 seconds your brain has to process: oh great pass by Wilshere, is that a penalty on Cesc, and OH IT DOESN'T MATTER ALEX SONG JUST SCORED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Oh my God. Cue insanity on all sides except directly below. The self-restraint I was exercising on behalf of my father and brother vanishes in an instant.

"One Nil to the Arsenal." "Ashley, what's the score? Ashley, Ashley, what's the score?" "Who Are Ya?" "There's only one team in London." "You can stick your Russian rubles up your Arse!" "We've only got one Song!" The Chelsea fans have no response. They're shell-shocked. The referee blows for halftime. More cheering. I investigate what the good people of Goldman Sachs (yeah...) have provided in the way of food and drink. Roast beef and beer. Yes, please. I also leave the box and go into the hallway that leads to the bathroom. I walk past a young man who looks strong and athletic and who bears more than a passing resemblance to Jude Law. He's wearing well tailored jeans that probably cost upwards of $1,000. I do my best to keep my jaw from actually dropping. It's Thomas Vermaelen. I nod at him and smile. He nods back. When I return to my seat, the guy behind me shows me a picture on his camera. It's him and Vermaelen. Why the hell didn't I think to do that? Err... next time?

Second half. Just hold on, baby. My brother insists that Chelsea will score. He repeatedly insists that it will be Ivanovic with a header. He (rightfully) points out that Arsenal can't defend players like that during set pieces. I laugh him off and tell him that, if anything, it'll be Drogba and he'll score two. The Chelsea fans have found their voices again. They're feeling good. But suddenly, the ball breaks lose from a tackle. Chelsea are caught playing a line that's way too high. Theo is on the ball - he's faster than everyone else on the pitch. He squares it - of course he squares it - for El Capitan. Holy crap. It's two. What next?

I barely have time to process this information. I turn to my dad, and just as I'm telling him "this is not what I expected," Malouda dallies on the ball for a split second too long and Theo picks his pocket. Cesc and Theo are running free again how on earth oh my god what a pass please just shoot Theo he actually shot AND WOW WHAT A GOAL THAT IS. From our angle, you could see the ball leave his foot and travel along its perfectly straight trajectory into the corner. I knew immediately that Cech had absolutely no chance at saving it. Amazing. The cheering didn't stop for about five minutes.

We tell Ancelotti he's being sacked in the morning. We remind Chelsea that we have Cesc Fabregas. We shamelessly declare our love for Arsenal. We announce that this is, in fact, by far the greatest team the world has ever seen. It's an overpowering feeling. My brother is a good sport. Especially after Ivanovic scores what turns out to be a consolation header. I immediately regret not placing a bet on his prediction during half time. Especially because in the luxury boxes, pretty girls circulate around both before the match and during halftime to take your bets. I'm not even joking. (The lesson, as always, is to listen when Juan and Sam give you predictions.) The Chelsea fans are briefly invigorated by Ivanovic's goal, but their team simply cannot get ahold of the ball. We are Ole-ing like there's no tomorrow. There's one move that probably had nearly 40 passes in it. We should score at least three or four more. My father is screaming at Nasri and Diaby when they fail to take their chances. I think he may be on board the Gunner Express at this point. And in an atmosphere like this, how could you not be?

Indeed, we find ourselves on our feet, screaming encouragement with thousands of others as Song and Rosicky break towards the Chelsea goal right at the end. Final whistle. A mighty roar. Huge applause for the gunners. To their credit, the Chelsea players are gracious in defeat. Lampard, Terry, Drogba and Essien apologetically applaud the ten masochistic Chelsea fans that stayed to the end. "Movin' On Up" on the speakers. To quote the great Jack Buck, "I don't believe what I just saw."

We stop outside the stadium to take a few pictures. As you can see, it's dark and drizzly and the shots aren't great, but all I need is confirmation. I was here. This happened. "Please don't climb on the cannons." With this crowd, feeling the way it does, that's a joke. The walk back to the Tube takes a long time, but once we're at the station, the London Tube is efficient. Along the way, we pass pubs full of red and white. Everyone ecstatic. Some of my favorite songs from the evening were heard during this walk: "We beat the scum 3-1!" "La la la let's get f*ckin' wasted." And so on. Straight to the point.

When we get back to Victoria, I sleep for ten hours. The next morning, I'm still on a high. I get dressed and go down to the lobby. The hotel always has copies of the Guardian ("Ruthless Arsenal Come of Age to Turn Chelsea's Slump into a Crisis") and the Daily Telegraph ("The Real Deal: Arsenal Show Title Class with 3-1 Win Over Chelsea"). I grab one of each and walk down the street to a little Lebanese cafe/restaurant. It's Lebanese, but the cook fries up a mean English breakfast. I'm the only person in the place, and he sees what I'm reading. "Ah, Arsenal," he says. "Good result yesterday." "Yes it was," I say. Yes it was.

Arsenal vs Ipswich and Our Messy Divorce

2011-01-25T17:14:00.010-05:00

Before I get into Arsenal and the Carling Cup I wanted to mention that Jim and I are currently in counseling. I may have sent him a threatening email and he responded by continuing to ignore me. Allusions to What's Beef were flying, some of them direct quotes, and we were about to file for divorce when our counselor mentioned that we had missed our 3 year blog anniversary. We admitted we're both bad parents and decided to continue therapy. We're taking it day by day from here.

Arsenal 3, Ipswich 0

Timing is everything. I think it was around the 55th minute when I started writing a depressing, gloomy blog update. It included several snarky references to Manchester United (oh for f#^ks sake Blackpool!) and a barely coherent rant on Emmanuel Adebayor. Meanwhile my Russian Sopcast feed hummed along smoothly and I tried to cheer myself up with the thought of boo'ing Adebayor in person. Yes, that will be nice...

Hey there Bendtner, nice cutback. And what a sublime finish. It was the sort of build-up that makes you feel silly for feeling frustrated earlier. I think, as fans, we're all a bit on edge with Arsenal.

Here's an example: Criticism of Arshavin started 3 months ago, in October. This was so odd that Arsene Wenger, for probably the first time, alluded to advanced metrics to protect him. I won't contend that Arshavin is at his peak, however, how many more times can he play a vital roll in a victory (2 more assists tonight) before we consider his slump over? He may not be smashing four ludicrous goals in against Liverpool as of late, but I still want him on the side. Passing completion and "work rate" arguments don't hold water; let's just admit we're all a little antsy, so as Andy Gray might advise, keep your top on honey.

Don't get me wrong, the first hour of this game felt like a visit to the DMV. And anyone who seriously refers to Ipswich as The Tractor Boys is probably married to their first cousin. So when Koscielny scored, right before I could fully envision a late Ipswich goal, it was just what we needed. By "we", I am actually referring to me.

I guess I don't know why exactly I'm so on edge. Maybe it's the fact that Diego Forlan is coming to town and I want him to play well. Perhaps it's the thought of Luis Suarez on Liverpool. Or maybe it's the fact that Carlos Vela might be joining me in Spain; oh how bittersweet.

I'm trying to calm my nerves, but no matter what I refuse to get sucked back in to Robin Van Persie. I consider him on loan from Injurytown with no option to buy. The elephant in the room is February 16th. Try as I might to locate Lionel Messi and kidnap him, I feel helpless. No, officer, I don't care where Sergio Busquets lives. I asked for Leo... and stop looking at my sledgehammer!

We're headed to Wembley, as favorites. Arsenal should be headed for the 5th round of the FA cup and we're 2nd in the table. There's no reason to panic, and no reason to look ahead. Just like my marriage counselor said, one day at a time.

Andres Iniesta Seduced By a Bear and David Villa's Head Product

2010-12-28T11:42:00.006-05:00

"A little back-rub, some neck keesses, then I'll go in for the kil, er, I mean, the sex."

- Inside the mind of a Grizzly Bear as he seduces Andres Iniesta

Here's the ad, if you want to know how this relationship got started.

And here's an advertisement from David Villa. According to David, only use Giorgi, "if your game lasts 24 hours."
_________

Jim was at the Emirates last night and witnessed an event as rare aurora borealis during the total eclipse of the sun - Arsenal beat Chelsea.

More from him as soon as he returns.

Until then.

"Xavi is the Best Player in the World", Said the Bored Catalan

2010-12-16T05:24:00.017-05:00

"Wait what?? Is Xavi even the 3rd best player on Barcelona FC?" responded the surly Uruguayan born American. The party seemed to freeze in time momentarily; I would take some convincing.

Little do they know I have Xavi as the 5th best player on Barcelona, behind Messi, Iniesta, Villa, and Pique, and probably in that order.

Before we begin
I am not suggesting that Xavi is a bad soccer player. Capiche? Mr. Hernandez is obviously talented, just not better than four of his teammates.

And I must demand that we agree on one premise before beginning, because if we can't agree that Messi is the best player on Barcelona, we're shouting from different planets.

Messi
The Messiah is the best player on Barcelona FC; it's not close. If it's an argument at all, it's born from extreme boredom or a blood-alcohol level of .24. It's fit for Around the Horn in June.

Since 2007, in all Barcelona FC competitions, Messi and Xavi have appeared in 137 and 156 games respectively. Messi has 124 goals and 48 assists; Xavi has 25 goals and 65 assists. That's 500% more goals for 25% less assists.
Standardizing the numbers for "games played" adds a little to Messi's resume, and adjusting for age is when things get absurd.
25-year-old-Messi had 45 goals and 10 assists (46 games played) and 25-year-old-Xavi had 3 goals and 0 assists (44 games played). Re-read that last sentence one more time.

But I don't need to use statistics; Messi passes the eye-test as well. I'm not talking about the flash (thanks Arabic announcer), I'm talking about impact. If Xavi is the one pulling the strings of the puppet - as my friend Carlos emphasized by putting his hand out as if he were holding a marionette - then Messi chokes you with the strings, robs you, and bangs your wife on the way out the door.

Neither of the two play defense (no, they don't, squash that thought), and although they play different roles for their teams, I'm still taking Messi. And I'm offended you even asked. I'll humor any argument, because I love talking soccer and I hate Argentinian players, but I need to know you're joking before we have the discussion, that's all.

In twenty-five years, hardly anyone that isn't pining for Catalan independence will remember the name Xavi Hernandez, but I can guarantee they'll know the name Lionel Messi.
Ugh, that hurt to write. Moving along, in summary:
Messi > Xavi. Agreed? Agreed. Now, let's begin.

Iniesta
"I'd rather have Xavi than Iniesta." I get that a fair amount here in Barcelona. Here is how the argument typically plays out:

I'd rather have Xavi than Iniesta.
- Why is that?
(Begins gesticulating with arms) Because Xavi is Barcelona FC. He controls the tempo of the game. He is... the system.
- Can you name me an important goal Xavi has scored?
Xavi doesn't really score goals.
- Iniesta doesn't "really" score goals either, but I can name you three. His goal to win the World Cup, of course, his goal to beat Chelsea in the Champions League, and he scored the winner against Chile, a game Spain needed to win so badly they subbed off Xavi in the 66th minute.

Sounds like you looked up that last one dude.
- Maybe I did, but if you can find me an "important" goal Xavi scored in less than 10 minutes, then maybe we can talk. But let's ignore goals for a moment. Can you remember an important assist Xavi had?
Not really.
- I agree, that's because assists aren't really remembered, unless you're Theo Walcott. But fine, give me a game of significance in which Xavi clearly wow'd. If we're putting Xavi in the company of Player-of-the-Year winners like Zidane, Figo, Ronaldinho, surely you can think of one game when Xavi blew the lid off the stadium and announced his presence.
(Struggles to think of one) But dude, he's still good.
- I agree, I'm not saying he's bad. I just don't think he's better than Iniesta. They play the same role. They are almost literally asked to do the same thing and their stats are not significantly different from one another; Iniesta has a few more goals, Xavi has a few more assists. But for some reason, I can remember the times when Iniesta has impacted a meaningful game, whether it be for Spain or FC, but I can't remember a single instance when that was Xavi.

But Xavi the other day completed 112 of his 115 passes!
- That's a phenomenally useless statistic. It's about as useful as all of Arsenal's possession when they lose as well. Stat's don't really have a place in soccer. Put me in a plaid blazer with leather elbow pads and give me a corn-cob pipe, but it's true, statistics do a mostly horrible job explaining soccer. This isn't baseball, or even the NFL where people talk of "skill positions" and don't realize they are mocking the game.
Jose Mourinho's Inter was very successful, and they never beat Barcelona in any stats. Well, just one, the final score. And I could go on and on about how Arsenal wins the stat-battle every week. Yet no team seems to befuddle the stat argument better than Arsenal.
"What a beautiful game. We won five-nil and completed 430 of our 442 passes! And we had 65% of the possession!"
That's great. But what about the time when Arsenal had 65% of the possession, completed 90% of their hundreds of passes, gave up 2 shots on goal and still lost 1-nil to Newcastle.
(Jim sighs).

Of course statistics tell some of the story. A neutral Barcelona observer wouldn't be surprised to see that the Blaugrana control a majority of the possession. Nor would it be a surprise that they touch the ball around more than their opponents. Completed passes, however, are mostly useless. For example:

In the game in which Messi destroyed Arsenal in the Champions League, he attempted half as many passes as Xavi and completed a lower percentage of them. He even "covered" less distance.

It's not just about goals. One should appreciate players like Xavi, and I do. Just give me Andres Iniesta, who over the past 3 years has proved his impact on the big stage over and over again, and I'll let you have the invisible puppet-master.

David Villa
Speaking of impact. Is there a better player that is more under-the-radar right now than David Villa? ¡Madre mia!

He scored the most goals in the Euro 2008 - two of which were game winners - and Spain won. He tied for the most goals in the World Cup 2010 - three of which were game winners - and Spain won.

He was "slumping" for Barcelona FC, yet somehow he has 11 goals and 7 assists in 20 appearances. This was only after never having scored less than 20 goals a season, for five consecutive seasons at Valencia.

The man is on fire, literally shooting flames from every orifice. If I can only have one player in a big game, Mara-Villa is on the short-list of names. Again, it's not just about goals, but it goes without saying how important they are in order to, you know, win games. So if you need at least 20 goals during a season, several of them winners and several of them against your biggest opponents, David Villa is your guy. If you need someone who will complete 90% of his passes, take Xavi.

Gerald Pique
Consider that Gerald Pique is one of the best central defenders in the world. Then consider that Pique is 23 years old. Instead of entering into the nebulous arguments of why defense is important, I'd rather point out that a great center-back is harder to find than a great striker.

McCallan Top Tier Center-Backs:
Pique, Puyol (sigh), Carvalho, Chiellini, Lucio, Vidic, John Terry, and let's assume 1 more I'm forgetting. Total = 8

Grey Goose Top Tier Strikers:
Villa, Cristiano Ronaldo, Forlan, Llorente, Eto'o, Ibrahimovic, Tevez, Van Persie (stop laughing), Rooney, Drogba, Torres (I'm not ready to drop him yet, in fact, this makes me sad), Thomas Muller. Total = 12

Well that wasn't very convincing. This would be alot easier if VP and Torres would stop sucking so much, but still, I think I might have a point.

*Aside - after doing this exercise I wonder if we're a few years away from an odd dearth of great central-backs. Puyol and Carvalho are past prime, so is Chiellini and perhaps John Terry. Maybe I just don't know enough young central defenders - they're late bloomers I suppose - but it seems like holding midfielders and oustanding fullbacks are in fashion. Or maybe it's getting harder and harder to find a great central defender with the current outrageously talented crop of attacking midfielders and strikers.

Irregardless, I comfortably put a 23-year-old central defender like Pique ahead of a 30-year-old Xavi. And even if you don't buy Pique over Xavi, that still means Mr. Hernandez is 4th best on his own team. Why oh why is he in the running for player of the year? Please explain that to me. No seriously, the comments are open.

Pictures that shouldn't be lost in the grind

2010-12-12T12:39:00.006-05:00

Notice how Forlan looks surprise. Come on Doug, this happens all the time! (Photo-find courtesy of ESA)

El Clasico

2010-12-01T04:27:00.019-05:00

I must have looked out of place. With nearly one hundred thousand people screaming and jumping around, there I was silent and relatively still. It was Xavi's goal in the 10th minute, and if you didn't know any better you would have thought I was catatonic.

The guy to my left, probably confused by my reaction, grabbed me and shook my shoulders as if to wake me up. I gave him a high-five so that he would stop bothering me and I continued to soak in the scene.

The truth is that it didn't work. I was as capable of absorbing the moment as a deer is capable of absorbing an F150.

There was so much uncertainty leading up to El Clasico that I wasn't prepared for a goal that quickly. My body was in the Camp Nou, but my brain was still on the metro, wondering if I would even get a ticket.

My journey to find a way inside the Camp Nou for El Clasico began two weeks ago. Well, technically it began within three hours of finding out I had been accepted to The University of Barcelona five months ago, but realistically it began two weeks ago. I talked with season ticket holders, friends, locals, friends of friends, and the response was always the same - a laugh, a shake of the head, and the obligatory "don't count it on it kid" speech.

In short, I blame them for my reaction. I blame the whole city in fact. The tension and anxiety for this game reached tangible levels three weeks ago. Did you know that the game was originally scheduled for Sunday? The same Sunday as the - depending on who you ask - local elections of Catalunia. Perhaps it was the surgeon general that realized you can't have 5 million people finding out the result for both El Clasico and the "Presidential" election on the same night.

I rent my apartment from a wonderful Catalan couple who would tell you that the election was "national" rather than "local". The husband is a life-long season ticket holder and a Barça aficionado, though that's an understatement. He told me once with a straight face that his All World Starting 11 would include Eric Abidal at right back. I hadn't signed the lease yet so I thought it would be impolite to storm out.

In the first week of November, I was at their house to pick up an extension cord and El Clasico came up. Ten seconds into the conversation the wife stormed into the room saying, "No no no! No more talk about football! I've had it up to here(!) with this damn football match!!" So, yes, the tension was building.

Fast forward three weeks and there I was, 100 dollars poorer with 98 thousand people singing the hymn; it's no wonder why I was so overwhelmed.

You can hear me singing in this one.

I think it's important to note that neither manager had an incentive to go out and win 2 or 3-nil. This game had zero-zero or 1-1 draw written all over it, and both managers would be delighted with one point each, considering the stakes. The managers before the game (I'm paraphrasing):

"If we win, tomorrow will be Tuesday. If we lose, tomorrow will also be Tuesday." - Jose Mourinho.

"Win or lose it will be 1 match of 38." - Pep Guardiola

So with a pleasant 1-1 draw looming over El Clasico, you can imagine my surprise when Iker Casillas blew this game wide open, fudging a routine cross from David Villa, and defrauding Madrid fans everywhere to allow a 2-nil lead within 20 minutes of the kickoff. Yikes.

I would be lying if I said Sara Carbonero didn't cross my mind:

"What happen honey? Why you ruin Mourinho's day?... Were you cold?"

Fine. Two-nil. Remember, we're still only 20 minutes into this game.

Both goals had a very real element of fortune about them, but all the same, this just got more interesting. Phrases that don't really make sense but are cool to say come up at times like these -- The next goal will be the most important one. (Yeah totally!!... ...wait what?)

After two-nil and before halftime, Madrid fans could claim there was a moment of controversy when Cristiano Ronaldo was brought down in the box by Victor Valdez. The reason it was not a penalty, not in Barcelona or in Madrid, was because the original burst by Cristi to get into position was a reaction play. Moments before the ball squirmed free, Cristiano was standing, or relatively still. Once he saw the opportunity present itself, only then did he fly in front of Valdez. The ref noticed this as well and I'm of the firm belief that if Cristiano, by chance, had been running or sprinting from the outset, as if trying to get on to a through-ball, it would have been called. But since it was a broken play, and the intent to beat Valdez to the position was fairly transparent, the referee didn't buy it. I'm not blaming Cristi at all, or the referee since I think it was the correct decision... if that makes any sense at all.

Cue halftime. Cue the sandwiches I mentioned before. I took a picture to not only prove the culture, but to also show you how in 50 degree weather these spoiled Mediterraneans dress like they're about to ski the Pyrenees.

The second half begins and throughout the intermission I'm secretly wishing this turns into a classic for the ages. I would be right, but not the way I imagined.

Nobody expected five-nil. Nobody. Not Pep, not Puyol, not even my landlord. They are lying if they did, or disingenuous at best. What happened was that David Villa had other intentions. The man feasts on big games. It's amazing that people rave about Messi, Xavi, even Iniesta, when on the front page of every newspaper should be David Villa. It was his cross that Pedro tapped in, and his cold-blooded, world class, enter-hyperbole-here finishes that put this game to bed. If Real Madrid were a beautiful 12-point buck, Xavi shot it in the leg while David Villa calmly walked over with a chainsaw and cut it to bits.

I barely heard a peep about Villa during Spain's World Cup run and nothing has changed during the aftermath of this blowout. I'll air my gripes at another time, because right now it's still 4-nil, there are 30 minutes left in El Clasico, and the match has yet to reach it's highest level of absurdity.

For a ten minute span starting at the hour mark, Barcelona FC decided to cash in on their bets of who could nutmeg the most Real Madrid players. No joke, Xavi had 2 megs, Iniesta had 2, Alves may have had 3 (the winner), Boooosie with 1, Messi with 1... you get the picture. Ticky-tack champagne soccer had begun, egged on by the crowd who were chanting:

Hey-o hey-o hey-o.
Esto es un chorreo.

Chorreo = blowout. Ouch.

That wasn't even my favorite song. To the tune of Guantanamera, the masses hilariously begged Jose Mourinho to, "come out of the dugout":

Sal del banquillo... Mourinho sal del banquillo... Saal del banquiiiiiiiiillooooo, Mourinho sal del banquiiillooo.

The banquillo (ban-key-yo) is the pyrex bubble Mourinho hid inside, with reason, for most of the game. In fact, talking about it afterward with a friend who watched at home, we agreed there was really only one time when Mourinho stood near the sideline. Anyway, they're a clever bunch, the fans, when winning 4-nil.

The greatest insult, and this was a doozey, came via Pep Guardiola when he substituted for Bojan Krkic. Make no mistake, Guardiola was insulting Los Merengues. I'll let my Read Madrid friend explain, (I'm paraphrasing):

"When Pep says, hey, you know what will be great (mock laugh), I'm gonna put in the retard - you know it's humiliating.
[And if he had scored that break-away?, I asked]
God I don't want to talk about this anymore. If Bojan had scored I would have died. That's the only thing I left with man, at least Bojan didn't score. We got spanked and it was terrible, but if that hack Bojan scores it would have been worse."

It sounds harsh but any Barcelona supporter would agree. Half my section encouraged Bojan with, "run Bojan, run!!" sarcastically as if they were mocking Forest Gump. Send the boy out on loan, please; but I digress.

The culmination, besides Jeffren's completion of la manita (pictured here, holding up your mano to indicate exactly how many goals have been scored), was when Jorge Ramos decided he had had enough.

From the moment Messi took off it looked like a bunch of piranhas chasing after a minnow. I started cringing and just about everyone knew what was coming. What happened after the mass of Merengues converged and left Messi in a heap was a blur. A flash of red, Puyol hits the deck, mayhem, Ramos storms off, hits Xavi in the face, the crowd is incensed, thousands of whistles, more mayhem. It all converged into this:

Madrid!
Cabrón!
Saludo al campeon!

Madrid!
Cabrón!
Saludo al campeon!

(repeat 10x)

The final whistle sounds and the crowd celebrates as if the result were a surprise. The hymn immediately blasts from the speakers and it isn't for another 10 minutes when the majority of fans head for the exit.

The tunnels bottleneck with fans, factions of songs break out, smiles abound. Just another Monday night in Barcelona.

What's That You Say?

2010-11-29T18:10:00.005-05:00

We beat them by how many goals? Oh dear, that's quite a lot. Maybe we should have taken it easy on them... I hate it when Mourinho calls me late at night and breathes menacingly into the phone, and you can be sure he'll be at it again tonight. I know it's you, Jose.

Next up (I hope): a summary from our very own correspondent, present earlier this evening at the Camp Nou.

Happy Thanksgiving (Except you, Arsenal)

2010-11-26T04:29:00.006-05:00

I hope everyone is having a great holiday, despite Arsenal's best efforts to ruin it. The panic button shouldn't be pushed yet, but I understand if you're hunched over the button with your arm raised and glancing around with crazy eyes.

This Saturday against Aston Villa, the Gooners have the opportunity to start off the weekend in amazing fashion. And I'm not referring to the three points. Those will be nice of course, but I'm most referring to timing of it all.

It's a long weekend, it's the holidays, and Arsenal is the opening ceremony. An Arsenal win means the United-Blackburn match is exceedingly more enjoyable. You get to be that guy at the bar wearing Arsenal red, oooh-ing and aah-ing obnoxiously over every Blackburn miss. You can drink your beer with a conspicuous air of entitlement, talk loudly about how, "Wayne seems to have lost a step", and still leave happy after United win 2-nil. The day has just begun.

After an early lunch of leftover turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes, the Serie A is there for dessert. AC Milan and their enigmatic all-stars face a tricky Sampdoria side to increase their lead atop the table. Then comes Juventus, or rather, the Milo Krasic show, on FSC. If you haven't tuned in to see Milo Krasic run circles around slow Serie A defenders, this is your chance. The Old Lady has a swagger about them lately, so lets hope they keep it up.

Before you drift off to sleep in the wonderful food comatose that can only occur this time of year, let Diego Forlan tuck you in. The World Cup's best player leads Atletico Madrid against Barcelona's younger brother, Espanyol. With rumors of a scoring drought, Doug E Fresh set the record straight against Osasuna, and ever since, he and Kun Aguero have been running trains on La Liga defenders.

On Sunday, Liverpool will beat Tottenham after Chelsea loses to Newcastle and the Rams, who are shockingly relevant this year, will pull out a nice road victory a mile in the air. You'll say goodbye to family, eat one more turkey sandwich for the road and wonder why you don't make 15 pound turkeys more often because the leftovers are so damn good. Unfortunately, it can't be replicated; it won't be same if it's not Nov 25th, but you knew that already.

None of these things will happen if Arsenal comes out and loses. So yeah, no pressure.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Enter the Spin Zone

2010-11-21T10:59:00.006-05:00

Here, drink this champagne, eat this hors d’oeuvre, and take a seat. I’m here to make things better.

Pay attention.

Let’s suppose that Chelsea, Manchester United, and Arsenal are the three favorites to win the title this year. Each team has played 14 matches so far, 7 at home, and 7 away. Chelsea and Utd lead the Prem with 28 points, and Arsenal are not far behind with 26.

Of the fourteen games played so far, all three teams have 6 opponents in common. They are: Liverpool, Manchester Citeh, Sunderland, West Brom, West Ham, and Wolves.

Whether home or away, Chelsea, United, and Arsenal have all faced the aforementioned teams. Here are the points earned for their shared opponents:

Chelsea - 9 points
Man Utd – 12 pts
Arsenal – 11 pts

This is important because not all wins and losses are the same at this stage of the season. When Arsenal go to the Eastlands and smash on Manchester Citeh, those three points have more inherent value than Chelsea’s home beat down of West Brom. At this point of the campaign, all three points are not created equal.

It’s less fun to analyze the season this way, but it’s the truth. Would any Gooner feel confident at Old Trafford for the final game of the season, top of the table by one point? Oh by the way, 2^nd place Chelsea have West Ham at home… didn’t think so.

The key, as always, is expectations. Every manager knows this. Ian Holloway rested ten of his starters because Blackpool cannot be expected to get points away at Aston Villa, not when four days later West Ham comes to visit. Mick McCarthy did the same thing against United last year. Five days later his rested team beat Burnley. Ian earned a draw for his next game.

Granted, these are managers trying to avoid relegation, not win the Premier League, but what is a “good results” and what is a “bad result” still holds. Take a look at last year. Recall that Chelsea won the league with 86 points, Man United finished with 85 points, and Arsenal third, with 75.

Of the 38 fixtures every team plays, 14 of them are exceedingly tricky: home or away games against Arsenal, Chelsea, Man Utd, Liverpool, Man Citeh, Tottenham (12) and also away games at Aston Villa, and Everton (2). Twelve plus two makes for 14 critical fixtures in any team’s title chase*. Wondering how critical? – Just ask Arsenal.

Last year Arsenal earned just 14 points from the “tricky” fixtures while Chelsea and Man-U earned 24 and 22 respectively. Ouch.

Put this in a different way. For the 24 matches that a team such as Arsenal, Chelsea and Man-U are expected to win, they earned 61, 62, and 63 points respectively. No big difference. Not nearly the 14, 24 and 22 spread from the crucial fixtures. You earn your paycheck for the twenty-four regular matches; you get paid for the other fourteen.

So how is this season shaping up? Obviously I wouldn’t have gone through all this trouble if it didn’t mean good news for Arsenal… right? Right?

Each team has conveniently played 4 of their 12 tricky games so far this season:

Arsenal – 7 points
Chelsea – 4 pts
Man Utd – 6 pts

With such a limited sample size it’s tough to jump to any major conclusions. We’ll know more about Arsenal very soon; 3 of our next 5 games are Villa away, United away and Chelsea at home.

One detail, however, does stand out; Chelsea is in worse shape than the table shows. They’re trailing their peers on points against the same opponent as well as crucial fixtures. And even though they’re still top, a smart Chelsea fan would be worried that they haven’t met the expectations of a championship caliber team.

You know, a team that blows a 2 goal-lead, at home, to their biggest rival - that kind of championship team. Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick again.

*It’s really 12 for a top team since they don't play themselves.

There Is Vomit Everywhere

2010-11-20T16:05:00.012-05:00

Last week, I used Ice Cube's line "drunk, but no throwing up" to characterize how Arsenal dealt with taking a two goal lead against Everton. Applying that to today's match against Spurs, I can only conclude that the Emirates Stadium is drenched with metaphorical vomit. Dripping with vile, alcohol-laden vomit. Swimming in a hastily-chewed half pound bean and cheese burrito from Del Taco and reeking of bile and acid. How on earth did this happen?

Arsenal got a little tipsy when Nasri broke the deadlock. Even the boss was fist-pumping and smiling in a manner that he usually saves for goal number seven. Who could blame him, though? Arsenal were good value for their lead, dominating proceedings in the midfield, and pressing Spurs high up the pitch. Chamakh made it two, and suddenly, we were on top of the world (let alone the league table). Beating Spurs at home, business as usual. After all, they hadn't taken three points on Arsenal's home field since 1993. We had the three points draped over us, she kept touching our arm and laughing at all our jokes. Fantastic.

But we couldn't let things plateau. We just kept drinking. And drinking. And suddenly, Denilson was staggering around the field, forgetting to track back and help out his defense during a Spurs break. 2-1. And then during a free kick, Fabregas and Chamakh raised their arms like frat boys clamoring for another round of shots, desperately trying to get the bartender's attention. And they succeeded, as Cesc's blatant resulting handball gave Phil Dowd absolutely no choice but to throw us out of the bar. 2-2. And then, utterly demoralized and disoriented, Arsenal watched, powerless and thick-tongued, as Younes Kaboul spit game at the three points and convinced her to come home to White Hart Lane. 2-3. As Kaboul sealed the deal, Arsenal vomited copiously onto the pavement and collapsed in a stricken, moaning, weeping heap of misery.

William Gallas is laughing at us. Harry Redknapp is laughing at us. Jermaine Jenas is laughing at us. I can only hope that we were blackout when this went down because it might be the only way that we'll be able to rebound from it. Would that Arsene's Sleeping Bag Coat were a Time Sleeping Bag Coat. We could go back in time and salvage this. As it is, we need to get out a mop, some Pine Sol, a healthy helping of humility, and promise ourselves (at least until next week) to never drink again.

In the Words of Ice Cube...

2010-11-14T12:59:00.008-05:00

"It was a good day." In fact, it was a great football weekend. Let's recap...

I got my grub on, but didn't pig out; finally got a call from a girl I wanna dig out...

Aston Villa 2 - 2 Manchester United. In a way, a United loss would have been pigging out - I don't think I'm alone in having the feeling that if they lost this one, they would bounce back with a five spot against Wigan next weekend. Instead, they get to maintain a false sense of security in their unbeaten run, and can ignore that they've been leapfrogged in the table, drawn two in a row, are relying on the likes of Park and Vidic to get them out of jail, and should have never even beaten Wolves last week. Ring ring. Hello, who's there? Oh, hey Aston Villa... are you telling me you're going to start playing like the side that routinely competes for fifth or sixth and gives the top teams trouble? So good to hear from you...

Looking in my mirror, not a jacker in sight - and everything is alright...

Manchester City 0 - 0 Birmingham City. As an Arsenal fan, please allow me to redirect something towards Citeh, something that every Arsenal hater has been telling me ad infinitum (and not without good reason) for the past few years: "these are the games you have to win to be a contender." Chelsea, Arsenal, and United are looking in their rear view mirrors, and they're increasingly unafraid of what they see.

Saw the police, and they rolled right past me...

Juventus 1 - Roma 1. This is not so much a positive as it is an aversion of disaster (for both teams). All in all, a very entertaining match, and either side could have won (and either side could have had players booked or even sent off, especially near the end when it got chippy). But as it is, two good teams made sure they didn't lose big while going for the win, and two fine strikers added to their tally. Nobody got arrested, and the title remains a viable goal.

Woke her up around one, she didn't hesitate to call Ice Cube the top gun...

Barcelona 3 - 1 Villareal. I don't hesitate to call Leo Messi the top gun, and neither should you. Two goals from him (he's so good, that I expect him to score his first the way he does now... he's officially patented the double give and go, and we're all spoiled for it), and the Blaugrana got to sit top for about 24 hours.

Today was like one of those fly dreams...

Chelsea 0 - 3 Sunderland. The kind of fly dream where Sunderland drop three goals. On Chelsea. At Stamford Bridge. Three well-deserved goals, might I add. It was the kind of fly dream in which Ashley Cole passes it directly to the other team to set up an icing-on-the-cake goal. Well played, Steve Bruce. Well played Danny Welbeck and Asamoah Gyan. And extremely well played Nedum Onuoha, doing his best Messi imitation for the opener. Mmm, positively dreamy.

Even saw the lights of the Goodyear Blimp, and it read: "Ice Cube's a pimp."

Hercules 2 - 1 Real Sociedad and Atletico Madrid 3 - 0 Osasuna. The Goodyear Blimp being La Liga (make of that what you will), and the shining lights being two TLOCA favorites, David Trezeguet (captured in the act of reasoning with the ball and convincing it that the goal is its proper home) and Diego Forlan, who got back on target for their respective sides. That's just a nice bonus, and a reminder that class is permanent. When Trez and Forlan go to sleep at night, they see their names on that blimp.

Drunk as hell, but no throwing up...

Everton 1 - 2 Arsenal. Arsenal continue to grind out tough wins on the road while surrendering easy ones at home. We scored two classy goals (Bacary!?!), and got a little too comfortable. But despite getting drunk and reeling a bit at the end, Lukasz Fabianski provided the voice of reason and prevented us from pulling the trigger and losing two points. We may have a bit of a hangover tomorrow, but thank goodness we didn't boot all over Goodison Park. Although we wouldn't have been the first to do it.

I got to say, it was a good day.

Amen. (And Jose Mourinho and AC Milan agree.)

Fresh Juicy Mangoes

2010-11-08T20:38:00.008-05:00

Dan Quayle would be proud of this fellow. For the neutral observer, it was a fantastic weekend of football. As an Arsenal supporter, it wasn't so great; I'll just quickly say a few words about that stinker against Newcastle and it's this: no excuses. We put out almost as strong a squad as we could; no Vermaelen or fit RVP, but whatever, this is almost as good as it gets. Cesc, Nasri, Wilshere, Walcott, Chamakh, Song. We should be scoring. And at home, we must be winning with that lineup. MUST. OK, rant over. Now, a few thoughts:

(1) Fernando Torres took two enormous bites of the mango this weekend. And with cool, slightly sticky mango juice spilling down his handsome chin, he lit a fire under Liverpool. For the first half, they looked like the squad their teamsheet has always threatened to be - killing themselves for every ball in midfield, working hard, defending as a unit, smothering Chelsea, and letting El Nino do his thing up front. That was so much fun to watch. It certainly made the poop sandwich (with a side of Andy Carroll and Joey Barton) I had just swallowed a half hour before that much easier to digest. In the second half, Chelsea had an Arsenal kind of day, lots of possession, lots of dallying, and then, when they finally got the ball into dangerous positions, they wasted their chances or were thwarted by excellent goalkeeping. I felt their pain.

(2) Roma won what might be the most intense, ill-tempered derby in football right now against league-leaders Lazio. (Frankly, I'd be too terrified to attend one of these matches.) You know Francesco Totti is nearing the end when I'm slightly relieved to see him not on the teamsheet. Also, I'm sorry to say it, but Muslera really should do better with Boriello's miserable excuse for a penalty. Good thing they had Vucinic take the second one. Who, by the way, has the angriest, most bizarre, goal celebrations around right now. He's the best.

(3) This brings me to my next point: the Serie A is bonkers. With all the focus on the EPL and La Liga, it's easy to forget that an Italian club won the CL last year. If I'm a club in the Champions League, I want no part of Inter, Roma, or Milan this year. All three clubs, while flawed, are completely unpredictable, and I could easily see one of them going to the final this year. Don't look now, but they're all on track to make the knockouts...

(4) La Liga wants no part of the (relative) parity taking hold of the EPL, Serie A, or Bundesliga (actual parity, there). But that's OK, because Mourinho vs. Barca is good fun. Juan predicted that the title returns to Madrid this year, and frankly, it's hard to argue with him. In fact, I think I'll go one better: Mourinho wins the treble with Madrid, and then leaves within the next two years to replace Fergie at Man United. It's happening.

(5) Speaking of which... Ji-Sung Park? Surely United cannot keep this up. If they somehow stay competitive for the title, then Fergie has definitely refinanced the third mortgage on his soul.

Until next time, gents.

Fernando Llorente Saves Awkwardly Unlikable Spain

2010-10-13T02:57:00.008-04:00

Iker Casillas’ girlfriend was the trigger. Oh you remember her. She reports for channel 5 and I’m not trying to hate, but she needed to retire after that moment.

No, there she was in Scotland, with those impossibly green eyes, reporting that Vincente Del Bosque was cold sitting in the stands. I suppose it’s a fair observation; Del Forest and his entire staff were violently shivering. This Spanish squad was so unlikable all of a sudden.

Perhaps it was the work rate of the Scots, Mr. Miller especially. Or maybe it was the counter-attacks sprung by beautiful long passes, as opposed to lucky hoove-ings. Those blue uniforms sure were pleasant in HD as well. Now, normally rooting for any team with Darren Fletcher on it would give me an ulcer so let me be clear, I was not rooting for Scotland. I simply found myself annoyed with Spain.

Spain used to be plucky and cursed - the blueprint for beautiful soccer. Tonight they were uninspiring. Sergio Busquets looked so bored that at one point I watched him jog in circles for 45 seconds straight. Santi Cazorla is not very good at soccer. And I still don’t understand how Capdevilla starts for this team every single game. I swear, every time some team scores on Spain, I can’t find him in the picture, though he’s not at fault either. Iniesta showed some effort I guess, and so did Villa, though neither of them seemed particularly fired up about anything. The team looked complacent.

I can’t blame them for being complacent, not when every beer commercial “salutes the winners of the World Cup!” and the announcers gush over a simple give-and-go from the world champs. And what’s with those World Cup patches on the Barcelona uniforms? I think the issue is that before, since they had no success, you couldn’t accuse them of going through the motions. Though that seemed exactly like what they did in Scotland tonight.

The first half saw a few typical half chances by Spain, generated by X.Alonso and Iniesta. But it was the Scots on the counter that gave the match some energy. On Scotlands most clear chance of the first half – a 2 on 2 break set off by a stunning, arcing pass to Miller – the announcers cried, “This is what we feared, what with 10 of them behind half.” I bet the booth didn’t realize the Scots could put a nice fade on that long-ball like that though. Well, Pique at least didn’t.

On the aforementioned break, Miller ends up doffing the pass and grabs his face in horror as the ball deflects out of bounds. A few minutes later, a very harsh handball awards Spain a penalty just before half. The keeper gets his hand on it, but Villa still scores. He passes (or ties) Raul for the all-time Spanish scorer record but you wouldn’t know from his expression because he barely celebrates it.

So here we are; a harsh penalty, Iker Casillas’ girlfriend, and a boring Spanish squad looking like they just need to show up these days to get a W. Surely Scotland wouldn’t let them get away with this, right?

The second half begins and the Spaniards look like they have a bit more pep in their strides. David Silva, who so far is on track for fraud status, redeems himself with a few menacing shots. Before you know it, Iniesta collects a fortuitous deflection inside the box and coolly slots it home, 2-nil to the best World Cup winners on earth. We haven’t reached the hour mark yet and the bartender, who asked me, “Who are we playing tonight?… Scotland… are you sure? Really? Scotland?… well, 3-nil at a minimum am I right hahahaha” is looking so fucking hahahaha right.

Oh wait! Scotland responds! The energizer bunny, Miller, finds his teammate with a lovely cross. Ramos doesn’t track back; you signed up for that though; and Pique doesn’t look over his shoulder. By the time Pique turns and sees the flying header, his facial expression is that of finding your own unflushed poop in the toilet bowl. 2 to 1, the home team is back in it. No matter who you root for, it’s nice to see the home crowd leave with something; those poor white faces were freezing!

Oh my goodness, Pique with an own-goal! You can’t even blame him either, that cross was going in the back of the net one way or another. I glance at the bartender and pretend to be upset. He looks genuinely concerned. Just like that is 2-2!

Well, you know how this story ends. The alarmingly handsome Fernando Llorente comes on for the awful Santi Cazorla, and everyone in the world knows he’s going to score. Llorente wins every header from a goal-kick that has ever come his way. He gets himself in position better than a center-fielder does a pop-fly. His footwork is amazing, period, not just for someone his size. Most importantly, he still has that hunger. If you haven’t heard of him, he’s the guy who was substituted on in front of Cesc Fabregas consistently during the World Cup. He plays for Athletico Bilbao… for now. And it’s Mr. Llorente who reads a cross perfectly, and volleys it past the keeper. He has yet to break a sweat and it’s his third goal for Spain in two games.

Ho-hum, another victory for Spain; I wonder what the headlines will read.

Musings on Spanish Football and Bojan Krkic

2010-10-10T05:33:00.007-04:00

There is no player right now in Spanish football in a bigger slump than Bojan Krkic. Bojan’s slump reached its trough tonight, somewhere in Croatia, for the U-21 Spanish squad. Let me begin by clarifying that Bojan is a Spanish national; he does not play for some eastern European country like his last name might indicate. I was quite surprised to find this out, but I digress. Do you remember last year when Nicklaus Bendtner missed twelve gilt-edged scoring chances in one Champions League match at the Emirates, and when he was finally substituted the crowd gave him a standing ovation? That happened tonight for Bojan. After an hour of heavy touches, stray passes and shots that might endanger a spectator unprepared to ever see a match-ball flying at them, Bojan reached his low. The play is a deft give-and-go near the 8-yard box, Mata shot low and to the corner only to have it blocked by Bojan on the goal line. The ball hit off his heel, deflected off the goalie, and somehow it came back to his feet as he fell down. He poked it in from his back, an ugly goal at best, but was whistled for offsides. If he weren’t in such horrible form, he might have had a laugh about it. Three minutes later he walked off the field, pulling at his hair and staring blankly at the ground. One of his teammates ran 30 yards to hug him and whisper something in his ear before he was substituted.

This all started a few weeks ago in the stands at the Camp Nou. Barcelona was on a romp in the second half of a Champions League tie against Panathinaikos and Pep signaled to Bojan to get loose. Some of the crowd in my section noticed him warming up and started a chant, “Queremos la marica! Queremos la marica!” That means, “We want the gay kid! Put in the gay kid!” This surprised me because it’s unusual for any citizen to criticize Barcelona FC. A video could surface that showed Leonel Messi setting fire to kittens and the Catalunian papers would claim the kittens were spreading the plague, so naturally, Messi had done the right thing. Pep Guardiola has a book, people buy this book; again, I was a bit surprised that Bojan was heckled by the home crowd. But why were they on edge?

This has many roots, one even stems back to Zlatan Ibrahimovic and his struggles last year, but the main cause for tension was the Hercules – Barcelona game. Barcelona opened their home campaign against wet-behind-the-ears Hercules, and lost 2-nil. They lost one La Liga game all of last year. And this was a flattering 2-nil loss; Hercules having missed a sitter and Trezeguet hit the bar. For reasons I don’t understand yet, it is a special kind of insult to bring up losses to a team that has spent time in the 2^nd division. The old, surly, drunk men at the bar that accused me of being a Merengue (“Eres Merengue!” they would say in their scratchy voices, decaying from emphysema) had memorized all the ties or losses that Real Madrid suffered to newly promoted teams in the past few years. They listed them off as if reading some secret document at a court hearing. All of this is to show that the Hercules loss was not just an unexpected thorn in their side, but rather a permanent scar that is no longer spoken about. And it was that game that reopened the small nagging wound Barcelona FC fans have chosen to ignore the past two seasons; they don’t have enough finishers.

Keita has not panned out, Ibrahimovic was practically a bust, not to mention trouble in the locker room, and Bojan has not developed as fast as some would like. Yes, they have David Villa, with his dreamy dark eyes and neat haircut, and yes, they have Leo Messi, with his witchcraft and sorcery. But when Villa got a red-card, and Messi nearly had his ankle snapped in two, guess what happened? The next game domestic game, Barcelona dropped points, again. The game before that, in Russia, they drew zero-zero. The papers the next day read, “Ruin Kazan”. Awkwardly, the passes that Xavi and Iniesta complete per game by the fifties, produced no end product. Four points gone and Barcelona isn’t even seven games through La Liga. Let me repeat; they lost one game last year and won the league by three points. One!

Obviously, that game Bojan missed a sitter (he was subbed off at half!) and Keita was/is/may always be abject. Even Dani Alves might be in a mini-slump as he too has missed open nets. Pedro, another untouchable, who has been bailed out with a groin injury, causes some grumbles here and there. And just as an aside, since this is a delight to report but has nothing to do with their finishing woes, Javier Mascherano fits into that team like Ron Jeremy does in a porno. It’s a smart crowd here in Barcelona, and I think they are starting to realize.

Now that Cristiano Ronaldo appears to be out of his funk, and Real Madrid survived it and leads them in the table, Pep’s 5 o’clock shadow grows in a little grayer. There is a feeling around city that Barcelona may not be the treble winning team they once were. When you’ve spoiled your fans as much as Barcelona has, there are surely going to be some moans with any sign of decline. But this is different. The domestic league means more here in Spain than the Champions League – or at least a lot more than it does in England. I hear all the time EPL players and their dream of winning the Champs League, but not here, at least not yet.

The key is that Real Madrid has emerged from their dark ages with their German midfielders and their Portuguese manager. This is to the horror of Barcelona fans. They won’t admit it, but Real Madrid actually scares them this year, unlike previous few years. And they should. I think Real Madrid wins La Liga this season. Just don’t tell anyone I said that.

Oh Dear

2010-09-22T19:13:00.006-04:00

Well, well, well. What can you say about Liverpool that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan?

I have to say that of the so-called Big Four (RIP), Liverpool was always the one that I didn't really hate. Not that I really liked them or anything (in fact, after a certain 2008 Champions League match, I could barely stand to think about the club). It's just that I always reserved my greatest animosity for United, Chelsea, and Spurs. Maybe it's because most of my Arsenal-Liverpool related memories involve Henry, Pires, and, more recently, Arshavin doing unspeakable things to them. Regardless, I respected Liverpool's history and a lot of their players. I respect their supporters. It didn't hurt that the team were often fun to watch, especially when they came back to beat Milan in the CL Final (the greatest match in European club soccer history - no, I won't back down from that) and for the two seasons where Gerrard and Torres had a telepathic understanding with one another that was simply mesmerizing. I even kind of liked Rafa and was willing to defend him from his numerous detractors (but which even I am unwilling to do now).

I know that it was just a Carling Cup match that they lost today. I know that teams like Chelsea and Man City also went crashing out (hilarious). I know that good Premier League teams have often been beaten by lower-ranked opposition in these one-off tournaments. So why this post? Because this loss to Northhamptumberwhatever is emblematic of Liverpool's performance as a whole. They are a shell of their former selves. And from the look of things, with their current financial woes, it may be a long, hard road back to glory.

Arsene Knows (And So Do I)

2010-09-21T17:33:00.005-04:00

That when Cesc isn't on the pitch, Nasri needs to be taking Arsenal's penalties. Go on, show 'em how it's done, Samir:

First one.

And then again (perfect).

Also, the Arsenal fans were in extremely fine voice today. Even I will admit that the support (especially at home) can be a bit weak at times. But today, they outsang Spurs almost the entire match. I couldn't quite make all of them out, but from what I heard, here are the top three Arsenal chants of the night:

(1) "Shall we make a DVD?" (In reference to this.)

(2) "Oh when the Spurs go marching out." (Fantastic appropriation.)

(3) "Are you Tottenham in disguise?" (Standard, but never fails to make me laugh out loud.)

My other thoughts, in no particular order:

- Wilshere and Gibbs are the future, and the future is probably coming a lot sooner than we think. I'm OK with that.

- After Spurs smashed Arsenal 5-1 in the 2008 Carling Cup and finally broke the ten-year spell of Gunners league dominance in April, is this a statement of intent that normal service will be resumed? Whatever.

- The first penalty was a bit soft, but when you get on the wrong side of your man the way Bassong did with Nasri, you're tempting fate. And for the second one, the referee had absolutely no choice. Chamakh didn't exactly try to stay on his feet, but he was obviously impeded. Awful defending, but also very clever passes by Arshavin to put Nasri and Chamakh in position to win those penalties.

- Robbie Keane's goal was definitely offside. And I can't stand him. But Fabianski should have done better - he just couldn't resist the urge to add more fuel to the "Fabianski is terrible please God sell him every time he plays he screws something up" bonfire. It's a raging bonfire. Sometimes I think he's doing it on purpose just to see how poorly someone can play and yet still suit up for Arsenal. Someone check and see if he's placed any bets on how long he stays in the team.

But I digress. A great result. And fair play to the kid below, if I were a Spurs supporter I'd be weeping, too.

So, What Have We Learned?

2010-09-19T17:33:00.006-04:00

Harsh, hateful words from the fictional Sr. Guardiola, the use of which I in no way condone. In every other way, hilariously spot-on. And now, the week in review:

1) Tomas Rosicky should never, ever come near an Arsenal penalty again. Why Chamakh, whose primary purpose in life is the scoring of goals, or Nasri, who has ice water pumping through his gangster, Marseilles-ghetto veins, didn't take that spot kick against Sunderland I'll never know. Arsene was similarly nonplussed.

2) Sam Allardyce may be on some dangerous, hard drugs. The man is seriously delusional.

3) Manchester United are, in fact, somewhat fragile at the back. The discipline and steel of past years is missing. Evans and O'Shea are, quite frankly, not very good at the moment. Or as the English say: "crap."

4) However, Dimitar Berbatov is settling in quite nicely, thank you very much. Cruising along, smooth as a big body Lexus, he put in another finishing master class. Haters gon' hate, and Berba don't care. Get that money, Berba. Buy yourself another Argentina replica jersey. Maybe go for Spain this time, actually.

5) Barthalona and Real Mourinho are both capable of ugly, gutsy wins. But as Juan mentioned with regard to Barca last week, when you put out those lineups, you expect to win at any cost, by any means. See above cartoon.

6) Zlatan Ibrahimovic is probably a sociopath. Maybe he's so humorless and borderline autistic because he's constantly being scrutinized and criticized despite being one of the most prolific goalscorers in Europe. (See above cartoon.) Something I like to call Anelka Syndrome. But it's much more likely that he's just a huge jerk regardless of what the press says about him. At any rate, he's still really good at scoring goals, especially when his feet are firmly planted on Italian soil.

7) Having Florent Malouda as the captain of your fantasy EPL team has been a very good idea. Not to pat myself on the back or anything. But seriously, we won't learn anything new about Chelsea until next weekend's trip to the City of Manchester Stadium. I'm hoping (as always) for a Wayne Bridge winner that deflects off John Terry's groin.

8) Roma were clearly demoralized by how last season ended, and they look stuck in preseason mode. That squad is more than capable of winning the league this year. Frankly, it's confusing. And the pressure may be getting to the tinkerman.

9) It's official: there's something seriously wrong with Fernando Torres. I know I'm about three months too late with that obvious announcement, but I was willing to overlook his subpar World Cup display due to his injury struggles (and the general overhype that accompanies every star into a new tournament after performing fantastically at their last tournament - in this case, Euro 2008). But he really does not look like himself. (I believe) he won the penalty and the free kick that gave Liverpool a way back into the Northwest Derby, but anyone who watched that entire match knows that something is up.

10) Everybody should move to Barcelona (see Juan's excellent dispatch from the Camp Nou below). Beautiful football, beautiful women, and delicious sandwiches (mostly likely prepared by beautiful women and then enjoyed whilst watching beautiful football). Sigh. Get the couch bed ready, good sir.

A Night In Barcelona

2010-09-16T13:59:00.019-04:00

The Camp Nou is on the west side of the city and surrounded by three or four metro stations within walking distance. I got off at Les Corts and after each stop along the way, the number of Barcelona jerseys in the car increased more and more. I was wearing Arsenal Red, though just the colors, not the jersey. I emerge from the metro on Travessera de les Corts, a busy street lined with bars and Barca supporters spilling out of the entrances. Everyone is holding a cold beer, Estrella presumably, and I'm beginning to worry about scalping a ticket since so far nobody has yelled out, entradas!

The stadium from the outside is not special at all. It's mostly gray cement and covered with broad stairs that lead to narrow passageways. The sidewalk lights are draped with Barcelona colors and paraphernalia. Pep Guardiola, so far, is the most common face on billboards and bus stops. I am about 50 yards from the ticket counter when I see the first stadium volunteer. He's wearing an official Champions League orange mesh vest and I can no longer suppress a gigantic smile. Grinning, surely like fool, I am immediately approached by a scalper.

It's a short, tan, worn out looking fellow with a hardly comprehensible smokers voice. "100 euros, pero te lo doy por la mitad," he says, grabbing my shoulder. "No lo tengo," I reply, ready to brush him off. "40", he counters. I smile - that was easy. No lo tengo. 35! "No tengo efectivo," I say - and it's true, I only have 20 euros cash. "Dimé," he says. That means say a number. "Tengo veinte." He throws up his hands - imposible, he mutters, and walks away.

By the time I make it to the counter, 5 other individuals, each with an increasing number of facial defects and each more and more tan approaches. They're a touchy bunch, constantly grabbing you like they would a rescued prisoner. I make it to the window, a small 2ft by 2ft square with a younger, volunteer-looking-fellow sitting with a keyboard in his lap. "Lo mas barato que puedas," I say, asking for the cheapest thing he's got. 42 is his reply. I almost throw my credit card at him. Meanwhile, at the window next to me, a man is debating rather loudly with a scalper while also talking to a ticket agent. It's quite a scene and nobody leaves happy. I get my ticket, a glossy silver paper with silver threads offset from the center. It's in the Champions League font - they spared no detail - and I ascend toward the stadium, almost jogging.

More Champions League vests, I nod hello to them all. I emerge from the tunnel and wow. The grass is glowing green, the pitch is perfect. It sounds silly, but it looks exactly like it does on TV. What you don't see on TV is the sun setting behind the hills outside of the stadium. A few minutes later Panathinaikos comes out to warm up. Booooo! says the half-full stands. It would only fill to about 70% capacity - 68 thousand said the regular-tron.

Barca FC comes out to cheers, of course, and Carlos Puyol looks just a silly as I imagined. The starting line-up is: Victor Valdez, Abidal, Pique, Puyol, Dani Alves, Busquets, Xavi, Iniesta, Pedro, Messi, and David Villa. Um, yeah. Looks like Barca want the win. They'd get it.

Messi and Alves warm up together, closest to the sideline. They like to be seen. Triangle passing, some cutting-drills, some stretching and they're done. The only thing of note is that they didn't do any 3-vs-1's. I thought that was required by all teams at every level. It must be a sign of weakness because the Greeks get smashed. Cue the official Barcelona song. In order to re-create the effect, find 60-thousand volunteers to do the "clapclapclap" and then Barca!, Barca! BaaaaarrrrrrrCA! Just mumble the rest. Next cue the best soccer song ever. Yes, they play it over the loud speakers and yes, they shake the tarp. I pinch myself.

Barcelona comes out of the gate on fire. They instantly dominate possession and the first crowd OHHHHH, comes at the 2 minute mark. It's easy to say now, but it immediately looks like this is going to be a rout. I'm perfectly fine with that. So is Panathinaikos by the look of it. They settle in defensively and quite literally by the 1oth minute it has a feel of a 1-nil lead that the away team is trying to hold. Everyone knows that isn't going to happen.

Or is it. Uh-oh in the 20th minute. By my estimate it was the 4th pass connected by the Greeks. A long-ball by the goalie reaches Gibril Cisse, who flicks deftly onto Govou. Mr. Govou outruns Abidal, who looks caught in slow-motion. The side of the net ruffles, Valdez looks at Abidal confused and the crowd mutters for a moment. I begin to swear - I'm trying to fit in - but just like that, less than 5 seconds after the goal, the stadium erupts in the loudest song to this point. Puyol gesticulates at David Villa, Pedro and Messi. Xavi is still working on his 5-o'clock-shadow look, without fail. The game resumes exactly where it left off, Barcelona with 78% possession to Pana's 22%. Three minutes later Barcelona scores, and the first standing ovation is unleashed. Messi lulls his defender asleep and Xavi (I believe) gives him a bouncing through-ball that Leo handles quite well. 1-1.

At this point it is worth mentioning that if you have a hot girlfriend you are apparently required by Catalan ordinance to take her to the Camp Nou. This is where couples go to be seen. A tight fitting Barca jersey, skinny jeans and some nice sandals is the dress code. The girls pay attention to the game too. Not that I was staring at one sitting one row down and 9 seats over, but she seemed to understand what was happening. In the seats and in Barcelona in general, couples are very affectionate. They pet each other constantly and girls often gaze for longer than 30 seconds into their partner's eyes. If you yelled at them to get a room, they would probably appreciate the suggestion. There is no attractive girl at the game by herself, only fatter ones.

Villa scores the 2nd from a Busquets, aka, Boooo-see header. It's well taken but horrible marking is most responsible from the corner set. Right before half, this happens. After the first give-and-go I begin to laugh sarcastically because everyone sees what Messi is trying to pull off. Um. What? He actually puts it home after a double give-and-go? Now we get the loudest cheer and many members of the crowd are gesticulating "NO MAS, NO MAS", like a hurt fighter. Jack Buck, I don't believe what I just saw. I'm cheering a little too much for an Argentian and I start to feel embarrassed.

Half-time. Everyone pulls out their sandwiches wrapped in foil. It's thin french bread with soprata/ham/salami, cheese and peppers. It looks delicious. Say dude, where'd you get that? "My wife made it at home, (his 3 friends with their mouths full nod in agreement), but you can get a hotdog outside." I pass. Not after seeing them eat those sandwiches. The women do not eat in public.

The first half felt long. I was happy about that, I was afraid it was going to fly by. The second half starts about 30 seconds after Barcelona took the field. They waste no time. Messi at the penalty spot for a hattrick. He misses. I give a small, unnoticed fist pump; that makes up for all my cheering before. It's still Messi... Messi... Meeeeessi. Two moments worth noting in the second half. Pedro gets a through ball, has a great angle on the keeper, and I'm not kidding, he looks to pass! He fumbles the ball a bit, tries to pull it back out (the goal mouth still gaping) and eventually turns it over. Xavi scolds him. Why didn't you shoot man! Are you crazy!, he probably said in perfect Catalan. Messi hits the post from no angle, twice - off the inside of one, off the inside of the other - and Pedro finishes to a hint of sarcastic clapping. This game is officially over, though it has been over for an hour. On the death, Dani Alves heads home a scoop pass from Leo, who has looked semi-desperate for his hat-trick after missing that PK. The crowd heads for the tunnels, factions of songs break out, smiles abound. Just another Tuesday night in Barcelona.

Liverpool vs. Arsenal Game Summary

2010-08-16T13:38:00.007-04:00

A 1-1 draw at Anfield started Arsenal's 2010 campaign off with a bang. This bang being mostly inaudible, a mild sedative and quite forgettable.

Liverpool

Pepe Reina - Y con el veinte!... Con un autogol fenomenalllll! Yo, Pepe Reina!!. Nice job assclown. Before his fantastic OG, though not even close to the best Liverpool OG, he saved a few menacing shots. The match is not judged on your first 88 minutes. Sorry.

Skrtel/Carragher - The oldish and sneaky combo provided an excellent foundation and even avoided silly fouls. With Samir Nasri taking free-kicks, they could have fouled wherever they wanted without a care in the world so I guess it's nice they didn't prowl around hoofing left and right. Only once fresh legs came on for Arsenal did their tiredness show.

Glen Johnson - I think Liverpool's strategy from the onset was most evident with Johnson's play. He rarely got forward, instead choosing to forgo his typical overlapping runs. His only mark on the game was a menacing shot that drew a corner - otherwise a quiet affair. A red card will do that to a defense.

Masherano - A quintessential performance from the grumpy Argentine: a few good tackles, a few fouls and a scrappy assist. His five-o-clock shadow, unruly hair and his sweat which smelled of cheap whiskey led me to believe he might not have the best game. I was wrong.

Steven Gerrard - Captain Fantastic spent a good deal on defense. He tracked back well and broke up a few Arsenal possessions. I don't remember his presence offensively at all, again, a red card will do that.

Fernando Torres - He didn't start, but was a substitute. There was one moment where I was convinced he had undressed Koscielny and was going to score but the Frenchman recovered nicely. Fernando made no impact otherwise. In my opinion he's still a few games away.

Arsenal

Almunia - He had no major gaffes, which is a blessing in itself. That is unless you count being beaten at your near post from a shot, albeit a well placed one, from a tight angle as a gaffe. Lets settle on minor gaffe. Kill me now if he's our 1st choice keeper for the whole season.

Vermaelen - Suddenly Thomas is the wily veteran tasked with anchoring a top-4 defense. He wasn't necessarily conservative as a few times I noticed his deep runs. He never got the ball when he streaked forward though and only contributed offensively with a hard, but not well placed, free kick. Technically it was he who was beaten by David Ngog, as he was a half-step too slow after our turnover.

Jack Wilshire - Speaking of turnover, it was Jack's slightly off-footed fan-job on a pass that made its way straight to Masherano's foot. He turned the ball over alot and while I was rooting for him vigorously at the beginning of the game, soon it became evident he was trying to survive like Michael Cera at the grown-ups party in Superbad. He maybe gets by with Cesc as his midfield partner but certainly not with Nasri. To me it looked like his nerves showed and he seemed to be over-thinking.

Abou Diaby - El Diablo had some nice tricks but little substance. See current definition of Arsenal attack.

Andrei Arshavin - The Russian made no impact whatsoever, which is odd with this in mind. (Just look at that run...it looks like he was shot out of a cannon. We fu*&ing tied that game by the way). Rumor has it that Andrei was tired all week and not fully fit. I believe it.

Chamakh - I'm glad he scored the winner because that play is exactly the type of commitment I saw out of him at Bordeaux. There was no flip this time around but he proved that at Arsenal he will still risk the bumps and bruises that are required to poach a valuable goal.

Final Summary

Arsenal looked exhausted for reasons I cannot explain. Perhaps the World Cup is to blame but the action on Saturday does not back this up. Both teams came out cautiously and after Joe Cole's red card - which was nice to see even if it was harsh because after all, red cards are supposed to deter potentially dangerous tackles, not be the result of acl's snapping in half - Liverpool were more than content to hang on to a 1-nil lead. The most worrisome aspect of Arsenal's uninspiring performance is that Rosicky, off the bench, seemed to be the spark. With Nasri and Wilshire erm-um-hmmm'ing around the pitch, the presence of Fabregas was sorely missed. I have yet to hear an argument to explain his World Cup hangover, him and I having played similar minutes. The prevailing theme after this game is that a point at Anfield is always a good result. I question that that because Liverpool scraped to finish 7th three months ago. Last year they dropped 15 points at home, the same as Birmingham.

Blackpool at home should be no problem at all. Repeat, no problem at all. But they did put 4 on Wigan and they have a gigantic oaf for a striker that I can see ramming the ball in with his thighs. A three goal victory with no ankles broken (except Alumnia and Fabianski) is all Arsenal needs to ease the nerves.

Until then.

7 Hours of Soccer Later

2010-08-14T17:26:00.009-04:00

And we're just getting started.

At around 10:15 today I yawned, took another swig of Guinness, and felt for the void. It was gone. Soccer was back. Tottenham and Manchester City played what might be the most exciting nil-nil draw I can remember. In summary, Joe Hart made Robert Green and David James look like drunken hobos. Next up was Everton vs. Blackburn. After ten minutes of boring play, and worse, sharp pink Everton jerseys burning my retinas, it was time to change the channel. When Ted and I arrived at the Aston Villa game it was 1-nil to Villa and already they were on their 9th corner. The play flowed nicely, Villa's checkered-trim jerseys pleased the eyes, and the defense was abject. A professional finish from James Milner turned Villa park into a swimming pool and the commentators cued up nostalgic, "Is this the last goal for James Milner in a Villa jersey? :( " questions.

This is no time for a rant, but James Milner leaving Villa for Saudi oil money is wrong in every sporting way. He is a hero at Villa and a key contributor for a competitive squad. The only foreseeable upgrade for him is wages, and the cost is likely to be all sporting aspects that kids dream about when they say they want to be a professional footballer. These kids have obviously never been paid. But this story is as close as you can get to formulating an equation for the price of greatness, as it were. For an extra 20% on his salary, Milner is no longer adored, no longer a hero, no longer "the guy", and who knows if he'll still start next year. I'm sure Adebayor thought he'd be a regular too. That's probably a bad comparison though, because he was never adored. (We've got Arshavin...something something Adebayor)

Anyway. Milner is surely off to join the other 45 over-paid mercenaries at Manchester Citeh. Only 25 of which, are relevant. Grill up a sausage, pick up some toasted ravioli and a dollop of the best German garlic-mustard I have ever had was the lunch menu during the Chelsea - blank fixture.

The commentators, as if watching a horse be put down, introduced the West-Brom lineup. "Well this is unlucky for West Brom -- the fixture computer drawing them against Chelsea." Ha! As if the title holders were going to open against anything other than a punching bag. Six-nil was my call - I have a witness - and it made me no money because I put nothing on it. In fact, after Chelsea's inexcusable second goal, the product of a gaping wall, it was nap time. "And its FOUR for Chelsea... ... Five-nil to the champions... ... Well taken for SIX".

It wasn't the greatest nap, though I did wake up refreshed. The Bolton-Fulham replay came on; we already knew the outcome and immediately turned it off.

"We just conquered seven hours of soccer and it feels great," Ted said. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I can't wait. We're just getting started.

Charles Goodly Update

2010-07-27T15:15:00.006-04:00

In the most convoluted fashion, Our Founder, Carlos Bueno will "not continue" at Peñarol. Apparently the decision was brought to an 11 person board of directors at Peñarol and 10 voted no, while 1 voted yes. The team is currently looking for "European suitors" since Carl is on contract until December. This is when everyone who has ever enjoyed any moments of this blog should pray that he ends up in northeastern Spain or southwestern France so that I can stal-um-watch him at least once. Real Sociedad in particular would be great.

Signs Of Withdrawal

2010-07-21T12:09:00.012-04:00

Did you know that we live in a world where a man cannot buy a World Cup Diego Forlan Home jersey replica? A horrible world indeed.

This is how much I miss soccer; I found myself watching Juventus play the New York Red Bulls last night on FSC. Juve lost 3-1. It was an earlier replay from May 23rd and um, I watched it then too. This means I watched a two-month-old International Friendly that I had already seen...
August 15th is how many days away? 25 you say? Damn. Until then, here are updates on TLOCA allegiances.

Arsenal FC
The Cesc Fabregas saga has gone on for so long that I personally believe he will now never leave Arsenal. For at least 2 years. For at least 1 year. We're definitely keeping him this year.

Arsenal's first 5 games are: @Liverpool, Blackpool, @Blackburn, Bolton, @Sunderland.
I fully expect 15 points and a lovely +10 goal differential. While we're here, the Premiership will be decided this year in November and December for the Gunners beginning on Nov 14th:
@Everton, Tottenham, @Villa, Fulham, @United, Blah, Chelsea.
If we manage 14 points or more during that stretch, then Arsenal will be in pole position for the final stretch. Book it. Write it down. Do whatever you do with simple predictions like this.

US National Team
Rumors abound that the US Soccer Federation would like to secure Bob Bradley's future. This is a bad idea. To be sure, Bradley has neither underachieved nor overachieved with the talent he selected and is by no means a manager worth firing/letting go. I am simply a firm believer that National team head coaches should be changed every four years regardless of the outcome. Too many allegiances form during an incredibly long and drawn out qualifying campaign and coaches inevitably develop favorites. Outside of the obvious, Bradley trusts certain players for better - Feilhaber, Bradley - or for worse - Clark, Beasley. As a squad ages, it becomes impossible for an entrenched manager to objectively decide which older players to let go and which ones to keep (See Lippi, Marcelo). For example, by 2014, Tim Howard will be 35. Carlos Bocanegra will be 35. Clint Dempsey will be 32. Landon Donovan will be 33. I am not saying who should make the team, simply that Bradley might not be the best person to do so either. And if Jurgen Klinsmann wants the job for god's sake give it to him!

AS Roma
There isn't much news on the Italian front (release your schedule already!!) but in case you missed it, Roma signed Adriano, the Brasilian phenom who might finally have partied himself out. That means Adriano will join forces with Toni and Totti up front to form the most capricious strike force in professional football. They may run off 15 goals in three games or record only 3 shots attempted in five. Their back line remains quite great with Rossi, Juan, Mexes and Riise and the Roman side should make some noise this year again. This squad finished only 2 points back of Inter last year when they were fire burnin on the dance floor, so never count them out.

TH14Titi Henry, in what can only be Jim's wildest dream, signed for the New York Red Bulls and will play while Jimbo is in New York. And he's making his debut against Tottenham - hence my inclusion of Jim's favorite picture in the world (Click here to blow it up, priceless). Whatever you've done to deserve this Jim please let me know, that way David Trezeguet will sign for DC United and debut against Inter Milan. I demand a blog-post describing the event.

Air McBride
Brian still plays for the Chicago Fire - a team name I just realized after vague google searches is inappropriate - at 38 years old. He started practically all of last year and has 4 goals so far this year. In fact, on August 8th, Brian McBride might be on the field at the same time as Thierry Henry in what will surely be a 10-11 shoot-out in which both players score double hattricks in the first half.

Leo Messi
Messi recently finished his vacation in Rio and visited Haiti after setting a world cup record for most shots attempted in a World Cup without a goal. Unlike Wayne Rooney though, Messi clearly made an impact in every game he played and his talents aren't questioned. I will hopefully write alot more about Messi after seeing him play in person.

Super Robert Pires
The Arsenal legend's contract has not been extended at Villareal but he is rumored to be on his way to Ligue-1 Saint Etienne. He may also get paid in Qatar (see Cannavaro, Che) or with Jim's luck he will also sign with the New York Red Bulls.

Uruguayan National Team
I seriously can't find that beautiful jersey. If I were in to getting out-bidden by 1 penny after days of stressing I'd turn to Ebay but I'm not. Yet...

Juventus FC
Rumours abound that The Old Lady are after my man Diego Forlan. There can be no worse Diego already on the team, so that's probably a good thing. My patience with Juventus is razor-thin, so it's best to wait and see. Also, Juve didn't pick up Martin Caceres' loan option of 12milli and he's back to Barcelona. Again, not much news on the Italian front.

Peñarol
Our founder, Carlos Bueno, is back on the team after Real Sociedad inexplicably did not pick up his loan option. Uruguayan domestic soccer takes off for Christmas break around mid-December and doesn't resume until late January. That makes it just about impossible to see him play in the flesh. He also not so secretly hates Peñarol after they refused to pay him his contract and sued him during his subsequent tantrum. El Pais, Uruguay's newspaper, claims that Bueno's future will be decided shortly. If he doesn't find a place in Spain where I can see him play live for the first time I'll be so damn depressed. This story is developing rapidly so stay tuned.

Cristiano Ronaldo
He has an heir apparently and this is a big deal. A, uh, huge deal. Yeah, the rumors of him being infertile can now be put to rest. I'm simply amazed that he can walk after the repeated murder attempts he received when he played Spain. The officiating that game was a disgrace.

Storybook Runs
Uruguay. This is probably the only video I haven't seen. It's awesome. And finally...

Luca Toni, Wet Hair

And That Mercedes Wagon, With The Kit, That's Kitted Out

2010-07-13T21:04:00.013-04:00

Diego Forlan has it on dubs
In a press release, Atletico Madrid revealed security concerns with Diego Forlan's new warm-up before games. Doug plans to warm up wearing shoes made of gold and juggling a ball also made entirely of gold. "It might take some time to get used to, but with the full kit I couldn't pass it up," Diego smiled, revealing his mouth full of gold.

Order is restored

All is right in the world. That was the response Jim gave when he found out that Forlan had earned the Balon de Oro as the World Cup's best player. At the half-time of the Germany Uruguay game we discussed the possible candidates. The shortened version was that as it stands, Forlan deserved it but certainly wouldn't win it. The short list for Fifa included names like Messi, and Iniesta. Two great players who had done nothing compared to Villa, Muller and Forlan.

Then the second half began. And Diego did this. The debate was over. Or at least that's what I screamed to whoever would listen. In the back of my mind, I still had a terrible feeling. But Fifa got it right and maybe, just maybe, it was as obvious a decision as I thought. It may not be a perfect ending, but everything was right.

I had my doubts about Forlan, I can't deny it. When Uruguay struggled during qualifying - oh I haven't forgotten - I blamed Diego. It wasn't exactly misplaced either. All those well weighted passes in the World Cup were turnovers against Bolivia. All those majestic, artistic strikes in the World Cup that embarrassed goal-keepers, sailed high and wide against Chile. Ironically, Atletico's deep run in the Europa Cup helped Diego. This flew in the face of all the English talking heads who blamed long domestic campaigns for the failures of English "stars".

Oh see what had happened was

As it turns out, Diego Forlan had 3 goals in his last 5 club games, two of which were in the Europa 'ship. Wayne Rooney had zero goals in his last 5 games. Notoriously a slow starter, Diego peaked at the perfect time. Simply notorious, Wayne did not. But this is neither here nor there. Irregardless of their respective vintages, Diego Forlan, a Man-Utd burn-out is now also one of the best players in World Cup history.I realized something the day after Luis Suarez received an honorary degree in Physics from South Korea University. The anxiety, the suffering, the complaining, that was all an extension of not my greatest fears - missing the World Cup - but rather my biggest regrets - the lack of memories. 2002 left me with nothing. 2006 even worse. I was at the height of my soccer obsession with no lasting images of Uruguayan soccer.

Ha. How things change huh. From Diego's bomb on South Africa all the way to Diego's mind-altering volley on Germany - with a whole lot of Luis Suarez in between - 2010 was full of memories. And that is what is most important.

2014 can't come soon enough.

Soy Celeste

2010-07-07T10:36:00.014-04:00

The dream has ended and this morning I woke up to 100 degree heat. Just like that, politics, religion, the economy, borders, history, trade, oil, water, gas, mineral rights, human rights and animal rights all matter again. It probably didn't help that instead of watching the post-game highlights I stared for an hour at the live feed of oil gushing into the gulf and listened to Rascal Flats' What Hurts the Most on loop.
What Hurts the Most
The only regret that will stay with me after The One Month is that I started doubting this team. My swagger frayed and I leaned on horrible thoughts like, "we had a good run" and "nobody expected us to be here" to console me even before the game begun. Over the weekend I worried to my father that Forlan can't do it all himself. I said that we'd miss Fucile. Not only did he not share my sentiment but he didn't understand what I meant. It took me until ten minutes into the first half to start believing we could win and if there is one thing I could get back it'd be those ten minutes.

Uruguay Belong
The haters out there who walk around slightly depressed and flinch whenever they first breathe fresh air looked at Uruguay in the semi-finals and feigned outrage. They started by predicting Uruguay wouldn't advance out of the group, then they said Uruguay wouldn't win the group. These are the people that stuttered when Diego Forlan banged home the equalizer yesterday and looked confused when Uruguay bossed fifteen-minute chunks of the game. They are also likely the people I screamed at unknowingly when Jim put me on speaker-phone to some self-proclaimed dutch fans after Doug Fresh added more supplements to his patent on Truth Serum.

Uruguay played really well. They did the whole tournament and they certainly paid homage to Nate Silver's pre-WC ranking of 9th as opposed to Fifa's 22nd. It was the largest discrepancy between Fifa ranking and SPI's ranking of any team I might add. But that's the point. Hardly anybody thought we belonged - those people are stupid.

Dutch Delight... More Like Dutch Disgrace
A Dutch housewife decides to clean up the house a bit while watching the game. While vacuuming she accidentally backs into the TV and Arjen Robben falls down.

They are the best team that has never won it. It can stay that way. I can't believe I'm going to castigate simulation but Robben has forced my hand. From my informal statistics, not only did Uruguay never intentionally foul him (even Perez's harsh yellow was a 50/50 ball), but the dives to fouls was approaching 10 to 1 in the second half. I counted three consecutive flops, none of them called (thankfully). It was embarrassing. When I'm at boring dinner parties and people air their grievances about soccer, one of the (tired) complaints is that the players writhe around in pain too much and every time they are touched they freak out. I will still defend the sport heartily, but if someone brings up Arjen Robben I'm pretty screwed. I have a much easier time defending Cristiano now.

Van Bommel is a donkey. It's amazing he doesn't play in England where he can run around kicking achilles, grazing on pasture, and cleating shins. He is a disgrace and Mark Van Bommel is the reason I want the Netherlands to lose on Sunday.

What We Learned About Uruguay
In no particular order:

- The recent heat wave along the east coast is actually a result of Diego Forlan having mistakenly made a phone call to a wrong number in Baltimore. But more seriously the man has written his name in Uruguayan soccer history with permanent marker. I've had my doubts during qualifying, but there can be no more doubts. He is the soul of this team and he has certainly written the future as Nike might say.

- Doug Fresh and Luis Suarez (and Honda) proved that the Jabulani ball is not an issue for forwards.

- I actually do look like Fucile. I've now gotten it 4 times on completely isolated occasions.

- If you need a defensive midfielder who shut down Wesley Sneijder (sorry, a fluke deflection screened by an offsides player doesn't count), Kevin Prince Boateng, Park Ji-Sung, and Youann Gourcuff who costs hmmm, five dollars maybe, talk to Egidio Arevalo. He was the pitbull-looking-fellow who roamed the midfield.

- If you need a striker who plays in Italy with a (laughable) 25 million-euro opt-out fee who unfortunately just ended any hype surrounding him for years, talk to Edinson Cavani.

- Feed Luis Suarez beef cooked medium rare and the man will do wonders with his feet. Do you hear that Tottenham/Citeh/Chelsea?

- This hurts to write but Shakira's Waka Waka, after losing, lost a little luster for me.

- Oscar Washington Tabarez is a phenomenal manager with a future in politics. His goal-celebrations make me smile every time. I might miss Tabarez the most. Until 2014.

JS: I just wanted to add a few things that were too long for a comment and too related to what you've just written to warrant their own post.

First things first: Amen to just about everything. Forlan is fresh to death. If Uruguay wins the third place game on the back of another good performance by him, he's easily the Player of the Tournament for me. And though it hasn't happened since 1990, a player from a team other than the finalists ought to be seriously considered by FIFA for the Golden Ball, and he is that player. (A certain Bastian Schweinsteiger, David Villa, or Mesut Ozil may yet have something to say about that, of course.) Either way, he's a shoo-in for the Tournament Starting XI. And if I had my way, he would be joined there by Lugano, who got better and better throughout the tournament until his unfortunate injury, and your doppelganger, Senor Fucile. I bet if you put on a Uruguay shirt and walked through Montevideo, people would ask for your autograph - you should consider investing in his jersey. But I digress, so back to the point; other than Lahm (or maybe, MAYBE Capdevila), I can't really think of a better fullback this tournament than Jorge Arhancet, excuse me, Fucile. Cointreau and Salcido were pretty good, but didn't get far enough.

As to your ten minute lapse, I honestly thought they'd make the finals from the start. And that's why I put you on speakerphone - the bandwagon Dutch "fans" around me who were talking about awful, nasty, cheating naughty-man Luis Suarez ("Or is it Gonzalez? Whatever.") and how the match had "four-nothing Holland written all over it" needed to hear the voice of someone who actually cared about the outcome. Because they didn't listen when I said Uruguay would make a game of it. They needed a Doug E. Fresh reality check. They needed to learn, the way I learned from my father. The way he learned from his father. If Diego Forlan were my father, that is.

So the dream is over, but what a run it was. At least the nation will always have this:

And I know this got put in a comment earlier (and those who are fans of Forlan's excellent twitter account will have already seen it), but just look at this team. Uruguay should be proud:

Life After Death

2010-07-03T10:48:00.005-04:00

I woke up this morning in pain. No, nothing emotional, I mean physical pain - my neck and shoulders have seized up on me like a well cooked lamb shank. I can barely look left or right and it hurts to yawn. Well, I'm lying a bit... about the emotional part.

What Nobody Is Talking About
The freekick in the 120th minute that led to the most frantic 20 seconds in tens of millions of people's sporting lives was a dive. Yep. Watch the replay. It happens at 119:32 of game time and the 2:59:59 mark of the ESPN3 replay. It's as blatant a dive as you will ever see. That is, if the replay was ever shown. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The Bitter Brits
After the game Coach Tabarez was asked if he felt Luis Suarez cheated on the goal-line saving handball. He was asked this because a very bitter Simon Burnton from the English tabloid The Guardian, wrote that Uruguay "have cheated their way to victory." He's right, we cheated and ironically tied 23 to 23. *Holds hand up to ear* Oh wait, I'm getting word from my assistant that fouls committed don't decide the game and if they did the match would have had to go to fouls-committed-penalty-kicks which is a brutal kicking game similar to this.

The definition by which Mr. Burnton defines cheating appears to be when a player breaks the rules of the game. He implied this later with "They have cheated their way to victory. Within the rules of the game we all love. But cheating all the same." Interestingly enough there are even gradations of this rule that the English never break. Yellow cards and red cards are a difficult to understand gradation of fouls. Lets try to understand this better. In the Fifa handbook section 11.2.34 it reads; "Any foul that is judged to be a straight red-card but doesn't produce the desired effect as decided upon by blog writers who love this game dearly will be deemed a Super-Red-Card and thence considered Super-Cheating as opposed to just Regular-Cheating. See Regular-Cheating section 10.3.72."

Section 10.3.72; Any foul that breaks up the flow of play on a counter-attack or when a player pulls a jersey to prevent a cross or slide tackling because said defender is simply less skilled is considered only Regular-Cheating. Regular-Cheating can only occur when the scoring chance isn't extremely obvious by blog writers who love this game dearly. If the scoring chance is Super-Obvious (sect 11.2.35, Super-Obvious Scoring Chance) then the foul shall be deemed Super-Cheating, see sect. 11.2.34.

To section 11.2.35!

Sect 11.2.35 - If a Super-Obvious Scoring Chance occurs during the game, two penalty kicks shall be awarded with the possibility of a third penalty kick awarded should blog writers who love this game dearly deem the first two misses still unjust to the original rules applied. If deemed appropriate, the player who prevented the Super-Obvious Scoring Chance will be asked who his best friend is on the team, and that player will also be given a straight red card.

There it is! The cheating!! The Portuguese referee only awarded one red-card and only awarded one penalty kick! What a disgrace. The replay shows that after Gyan missed the first penalty, Benquerenca asked Luis Suarez who his best friend was on the team and Suarez refused! What a cheater! I am told that Luis Suarez also cheated by celebrating the missed PK but I can't find that in the rule book. Surely it's there.

Sorry I'm Not Sorry
Let the record show that England cheated less than the USA, 12 to 14 on fouls committed. England however lost to Algeria 14 to 13 on cheating and in a real heart breaking cheat fest lost to Slovenia by cheating 20 times to Slovenia's 19 cheats. All this cheating led them out of the group stages where they were robbed. Against Germany, who cheated 7 times, Germany was still oddly awarded the victory even though England only cheated 6 times! Now I understand the bitterness. Considering how much England contribute to the game we all love dearly, this was a devastating mistake by the officials. Hopefully Sepp Blatter will institute Cheat Technology and overturn Germany's victory.

Other Game Notes
Jorge Fucile is apparently Iron Man. Late in the first half he was undercut on a jumping header and landed pretty much directly on his neck. When he laid motionless for 10 seconds I got text-messages that read, "He just died on the field" and "I think he's dead". Not only did he come back to play the rest of the 1st half, albeit a bit woozy, but he played the whole second half and played well. Respect.
__
I'll tone down the irony with the handball in just a moment but I think it's ironic that on the replay, if you watch closely, Fucile jumps to try and head it, misses it and then punches at it frantically and still misses. We may have to consult the rule book again about players who are seen to attempt Super-Cheating on Super-Obvious Goal Scoring Chances but fail. On second thought, I'll spare you.
__
When Ghiggia, the Uruguayan who shocked Brasil and the world in 1950, was asked to reflect on his goal he said, "despite the joy we had, it was sad to see the stands. People were crying and desperate." I'm not sad yet, kind of not at all actually, but I will safely assume that I'll feel sad eventually.
__
Uruguay will face the Netherlands without Fucile (accumulated a second yellow on one of 10 absurdly terrible calls by the referee) Godin and Lugano. That's three of our four starters in the back line. We also face the LowLands without Luis Suarez (coughCHEATER!) who I hope mails a picture of his erect penis to Simon Burnton in his free time. It goes without saying that Luis was in stunning form, ask South Korea, and that Forlan has benefited from his form. And vice versa.

__
I won't spend to much time on this but it goes without saying that a great steak dinner is made better with a cold beer and a great dessert afterward. Beating Ghana was the steak dinner, Brasil losing was the cold beer and Argentina getting absolutely embarrassed this morning was the sweetest of desserts. MMMMMhmmm it's tasty. Life is good.

Until Tuesday

Inbox: Uruguay South Korea

2010-06-26T22:39:00.004-04:00

All times Eastern - (Name)

10:12 - (Dad) Barbaro Forlan y Suarez, precisamos mas arqueros como el coreano

10:12 - (A.E) Not watching unfortunately. Have to do some volunteer bs. How's it looking

10:13 - (B.H) Oh my god they just showed fusili! You look just like him! E agrees. Ps suarez is good
.
10:15 - (B.H) Oh i know how hard that finish was. That was world class
.
.
.
.
10:20 - (B.H) You really get forward at left back there. good runs
.
.
.
.
10:25 - (co-blogger) You boys look crisp
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
10:48 - (B.H) Truth. Dangerous on the counter. Should have a pk and a break away
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
11:03 - (J.A) Big time players make big time plays
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
11:23 - (co-blogs) Hit these fuckers on the break

11:24 - (J.A) Oh no

11:25 - (co-bl) Yea... The Koreans are so fit it's inhuman
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
11:36 - (J.A) Oh yes
.
11:38 - (M.A) Ya uruguay!! That was sick

11:38 - (B.H) That was unreal. How. How

11:39 - (M.A) Haha i can imagine

11:40 - (B.H) Great shot
.
.
.
11:44 - (co-bl) World fucking class
.
.
.
.
.
11:50 - (B.H) Well done
.
11:52 - (B.H) Precisely. Wonderful

11:53 - (co-bl) Congrats... This is quite the run
.
.
.
11:57 - (J.A) Sicknasty
.
.
12:00 - (J.A) Ill be seeing you next round sir
...................................................
12:51 - (A.E) My god. That was a giant middle finger to all of Asia. Goal of the tournament

Luis Suarez - Pay That Man

2010-06-26T19:01:00.004-04:00

Round 1 Thoughts and Musings

2010-06-16T08:44:00.005-04:00

Group A
The permutations and expectations of this group are dizzying at times. I have heard sound arguments for all 8 two-team combinations to advance. France/Mexico. Uruguay/SouthAf. France/SouthAf... and so on and so forth. What is certain however, is that the excitement and 47 months of anticipation shrouded the statistic that only 4 teams who have lost their opening match have ever advanced out of the group. Friday's games demonstrated this but you wouldn't have known it until today. That is to say, the mentality that is dominating the first salvos is clearly - don't lose your first game!

All four teams in Group A showed at least one positive sign but also several negatives. And though the standings show the group all-square, the first round, to me, revealed two tiers. Uruguay and France are in the upper tier, and Mexico/SouthAf are in the lower tier based on the nuances of the play. Shape, discipline, ball-movement - these characteristics were at a higher level in Game2. Today, hopefully (if you're me) the disparity in class will shine through.

If Uruguay can't beat South Africa then they don't deserve to advance. And in order to avoid all shenanigans, Uruguay must win today. They know this. And of all people, Loco Abreu surmised it best. "We got 1 point against France, now its up to everyone else to try and get a point against France." That means you Mexico.

Group B
Messi's scoreless streak for country continues even though by all accounts he had a great game. Meh. Let me know when he scores. Nigeria looked atrocious so it's tough to commit to any conclusions. The only team that looked worse is Greece. South Korea overflowed with confidence and that will hopefully carry over when they play Argentina next. Needless to say the round 2 match between Korea and Argentina will show which squad is legit.

Group C
A fan somewhere in Slovenia during their match realized an opportunity was about to pass them by. Slovenia is in control of this group but for a moment, or rather, 78 minutes, it looked as if this previously unthinkable conclusion would be squandered. Unfortunately for USA/England, Algeria's goalkeeper decided to also take a dump on the field.
So here we are. Group C is the most interesting group and the United States joins the list of teams that is faced with a must-win scenario on Friday. It's still impossible to imagine England not advancing out of the group stages but let's just say I'm listening to all comers.

Group D
Germany didn't get the memo that the first round of games are to be played tentatively and with caution. Ze Germans swaggered and they surfed. Everyone who needed to score for that squad, Prince Podolski and Klose, did. The only way it could get any better for the Germans is if Algeria finishes 2nd place in the Group C.

Group E
The Netherlands haven't exactly clicked into place and the health of Arjen Robben still looms. Bendtner looked pretty good. Uh... yeah, not much going on here except that Cameroon is winning the world cup by a mile for coolest fu%$ing jerseys. Mmmmmmm.

Group Fail
Booooooooo. I'm so upset Luca Toni isn't a part of this.

Group G
My mother thought it was a bad idea that I wore a Uruguay shirt and watched the Brasil game at Reagan/National airport cheering for North Korea. I was prepared to fight every random white guy wearing a Kaka jersey though so it's all good. It's probably too early to tell, but Brasil looked like dog shit. I will convert to any religion that can answer my prayers that Brasil loses their next two games.
There are many complaints about the vuvuzella's and one of those complaints is that you can't hear the ooo's and aah's during a build-up. Ivory Coast vs. Portugal debunked that argument handily. When the jumbotron showed Didier Drogba about to come into the game the vuvu's went apeshit and the stadium seemed like it was gonna come down for 3 minutes. That was a thousand times cooler than singing and it's going to be very hard to forget hearing that boom of vuvu's.

Group H
Chile's Sanchez looked honeycrisp and Honduras came out tired and with no rhythm. Spain is currently playing so I can't comment on them yet but come on, Spain is winning this group [editors change] losing today.

Less than 24 hours away.

2010-06-10T14:11:00.001-04:00

If you don't get chills at the end of this commercial you need to check your pulse.

One world watching.

TwoType of B!$ches

2010-06-02T10:14:00.017-04:00

"You got bitches who will and bitches who won't.
Bitches who do and bitches who don't.
Man you got bitches who can and bitches who can't.
You got bitches who know they are and bitches know that they ain't."

Don't be surprised to see Bernard Freeman in South Africa supporting the United States with his ties to Clint Dempsey. I'm just saying.

Spain
Why they can - No team has played better than Spain in the past 2 years. They won the Euro's and they didn't lose a qualifying game in Europe. Spain also has the most proven talent on their roster from a club perspective. It is not difficult to find reasons why they can win it.

Why they can't - A simply stunning history of under-achieving. In 2006 they lost in the Round of16. In 2002 they lost to South Korea in the quarters. In 1998 they didn't get out of their group! The list goes on and on culminated by historically the biggest poop sandwich in 1982 when the host nation didn't make it to the knock-out stages.
And who does Spain have waiting for them after the group stages? Only the 2nd place (or 1st place) team from the pundit proclaimed Group of Death! Brasil, Portugal or the Ivory Coast. Have fun with that Spain. It's another Round o' 16 exit for the Red Fury... or they'll make the final. Probably one of those two.

Brasil
Why they can - Joga Bonito and Luis Fabiano, who I have winning the Golden Boot.

Why they can't - The only player in that video that still plays for Brasil is Robinho. Which touches upon a more important reason why they can't - why change a good thing? Before Dunga arrived Brasil had won 5 titles by scandalizing goal-keepers and not returning phone calls (I apologize for the language, very NSFW). Now they want to focus on defense. Huh? Their goals in qualifying are only slightly down but they don't play like they used to. And the omission of Ronaldinho from a squad that kept Josue and Gilberto is glaring. The boo-birds were out in Brasil and not on one occasion. If there are two things Brasilians know well its unprotected sexual intercourse, and good soccer. So if the fans don't believe in this team then neither do I.

England
Why they can - The British have an easy group and one of the easiest roads to go deep in the tournament. Wayne Rooney has shown he is capable of carrying a team and who knows, maybe even Lampard and Gerrard will play like it's 2001. Add John Terry and Rio Ferdinand to that list as well. They have the players, albeit a bit worn, and they have the balance.

Why they can't - Lampard and Gerrard. Watch Gerrard's reaction (:36) to when Lampard misses and guess the outcome of his PK. That game against Portugal typified pretty much all of England's struggles. I'll ignore Wayne Rooney's complete loss of composure since he's four years older now and surely more mature. But I can't ignore their anguish before they've lost. The weight of the world, whether real or not, crushes them. The fans heap on the pressure, the unrealistic expectations and the media leverages that 50-fold. There simply isn't an atmosphere to succeed on that rainy island. It's a terrible relationship the players have with their media and it reminds me of a bad divorce that keeps getting delayed to save the children. Nobody wins and the children end up bitter and jaded.

Argentina
Why they can - Lionel. Messi.

Why they can't - The last time Lionel played well for Argentina a certain dope-fiend was in the stands watching, not on the bench. Maradona may have butchered um, well everything about Argentina but I don't think Diego is to blame for the odd lack of depth in the midfield. Everyone also seems be ignoring their back four. It's easy to do because they're so top heavy, but still, after Gabriele Heinze you can't name another defender on that team. And Heinze isn't good anymore. The line-up for Argentina after their forwards and Mr. Messi is surprisingly without star-power, that's all I'm saying. They're in a tricky group and I can't say I'll be shocked if they finish 2nd place in that group.

Netherlands
Why they can - The Dutch didn't lose a game qualifying in Europe and there aren't enough murmurs about a team that has Van Persie, Robben, Sneijder, Van der Vaart, Kuyt, De Jong, Ooijer, Huntelaar, and Babel. Not to mention their easy group and the 2nd place team from Group F(ail) in the round o' 16. They may not play a team until the Semi-finals and then anything can happen. Like this. The Lands are one of 3 teams I can see winning the whole thing.

Why they can't - Apparently Van Persie and Sneijder hate each other, which is just stupid, and their keeper is outrageously not Edwin Van Der Saar. Whether the VP and Sneijder beef is true or not the Dutch have some large, just massive egos to keep in check. This team hates adversity and if they were a boxer they'd have a weak chin - ask Arshavin.

Germany
Why they can - Five out of the past nine World Cup finals have included Germany. Thus, when Germany is the second of three teams I like to win the whole thing it is not bold at all. The Ballack injury will hopefully galvanize them and Ze Germans still have Podolski, Klose, Schweinsteiger, Lahm, Gomez, Jansen and eighty years of German discipline and focus. Before Essien got hurt Ze Germans would have been in a very tricky group but Ghana just won't be the same without him. Not to mention that Germany gets the 2nd place team in Group USA.

Why they can't - I could be wrong about the Ballack injury and the Germans themselves seem worried about their goal-scoring drought since they ran up the score in a meaningless scrimmage. Also, two inexplicable draws against Finland may pay homage to that phrase: their is never just one cockroach. Their jerseys are ugly this year.

and finally

Uruguay
Why they can - Forlan and Suarez are the third best strike-duo in the world and the center-backs have been playing together for 8 years. Sprinkle in midfielders who know their role (Pereira, Gargano), a super sub who bagged 6 goals in Conmebol qualifying (Abreu) and a young, creative midfielder who has no idea the magnitude of what's happening around him (Lodeiro) and you've got a balanced bunch that can make some noise. The team overcame unbelievable pressure to qualify in dramatic fashion so they're battle-tested. Uruguay has an easy group and a great road to the finals.

Why they can't - Their mascot, a terrifying blue duck. But really because Uruguay is the most inconsistent team with regards to volatility in the tournament. Meaning, when they're on they can poop at Brasil but when they're off they can lose to the Cayman Islands. Admittedly it's very difficult to write about this team objectively because I just watched that Ecuador video and started crying a little bit. But it's important to note that they're favorites to win Group A and ranked 10th in the world by Nate Silver. So at the very least there are two people who know Uruguay are the type that can.

End of the Season Awards

2010-05-10T13:03:00.006-04:00

It was, ultimately, a happy Sunday to culminate the emotional roller coaster that was the English Premier League this year. Arsenal went out with some flare to finish third, ManUnited failed to win a record 4th consecutive domestic title, and Chelsea forced Wigan to reenact 2-girls, 1-cup while they celebrated in front of their fans. At the beginning of the year it seemed obvious that Chelsea would win the trophy but that in no way diminished the ride. Here are the end of the season awards for the EPL:

Coach of the Year
Alex Ferguson (ManUtd) - He sold Cristiano Ronaldo and Carlos Tevez - only 33% of his offensive output from the year before - and managed to increase United's total number of goals this year by 27% (68 last year to 86 this year). It makes no sense to me either. Valencia and Nani blossomed while Wayne Rooney performed criminal acts with his finishing. Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes returned from the dead and even Michael Owen earned his manager 3 points, albeit well into Fergie-time. This team was supposed to struggle this year. Instead they finished 1 point from a record breaking 4th consecutive Premier League title.

Rookie of the year
Thomas Vermaelen (Arsenal) - This was the easiest pick of the bunch. Vermaelen started 33 games at center-back for Arsenal, scored 7 goals and even had one assist. His goals weren't exactly all headers either. The cold dead eyes of the dutch assassin carried Arsenal's porous back-line before finally getting injured much the same way an engine breaks down when you ask it to tow 4 thousand pounds of dead weight up a mountain. Welcome to the EPL Thomas, er, I mean, EPL, welcome to Thomas Vermaelen.

Super-Sub of the Year
Roman Pavlyuchenko (Tottenham) - he had 6 goals when used as a substitute including a stretch in February where he complained about playing time, got some playing time, scored 3 goals in 2 games as a sub, then scored 2 more when allowed to start. 'Appy 'Arry Redknapp isn't the sharpest tool in the shed.

Defensive Player of the Year
Patrice Evra (ManUtd) - Ivica Olic begs to differ but these aren't the Champions League awards. United conceded the least amount of goals in the Prem and with Rio, Vidic and Wes Brown all missing significant chunks of time and footballing skills, Patrice played 38 of 38 games. He's from Senegal so that means he gets to play for France in the World Cup.

Most Improved Player
Cesc Fabregas (Arsenal) - Now before you accuse me of being biased, take a look at the numbers. Last year he recorded 3 goals and 8 assists in the Prem and this year he scored 15 goals and had 13 assists. He did play 4 more games this year but that's still quite a jump in statistics with arguably less proven talent this year than last. The only players close to those improvements is Flourent Malouda with 12 goals and 8 assists this year compared to 6 goals and 5 assists last year and of course Mr. Wayne Rooney, 26/3 this year vs 12/7 last year.

Most Valuable Player
Wayne Rooney (Man Utd) - No player accounted for a bigger percentage of their team's offensive output this year than Wayne. He scored 27 of their 86 goals, and if you go by the book, he technically accounted for 8 game-winning-goals earning united 24 of their 85 points. He carried the team during the dog days of the year and more so than Didier Drogba was Rooney the most valuable player on his team. He leaves the season with a gimpy groin, a touchy ankle and the weight of an entire nation on his shoulders going into the World Cup. Without David Beckham, TLOCA wonders who England will blame for their World Cup failures. Until then.

Are We Tottenham In Disguise?

2010-04-18T12:21:00.006-04:00

And are they Arsenal? Recent results have led me to question whether that favorite Gunners chant should be directed at our own team. Giving up THREE late goals to Wigan? Disgraceful. (And classic Tottenham behavior.) If this is how Arsenal are going to go out, I wish they would have signaled their intent earlier so I could have actually started studying for my finals.

Meanwhile, Spurs look amazing. I have never seen them play so well, and I can only hope that it's just a precursor to letting their fans down in some unthinkable, heartbreaking collapse that sees them take fifth place. But in the meantime, all I see is well-organized defending, crisp passing, and intelligent movement off the ball. That 2-1 scoreline was flattering... to Chelsea. It could have easily been 5-1 or 6-1. Also, it seems that JT's sway with the refs has finally come to a crashing halt, and he was deservedly sent off. People have been saying his poor form was/is a blip, but I think it signals the beginning of a steady and continuous decline. And when that happens, as a defender, the only way to stay competitive is to always receive the benefit of the doubt from the referee in tight situations and 50/50 tackles (see, e.g., Carragher, Jamie). Since Terry has gotten away with some high profile errors in recent weeks and apparently had some off-field troubles (dunno what that's about), I really doubt that he's going to get that treatment going forward. He may never be the same.

And so, in keeping with my inability to make predictions that have any relation to results in the real world, the EPL title race has been blown wide open by Tottenham Hotspur... and Paul Scholes. Yeah, didn't really see that one coming. Also, if you've eaten recently, you may want to avert your eyes from the image I've placed below:

I guess if I were a United supporter, I'd probably be tempted to do that after this. But as I'm not, I'll just go on the record and say that the only thing more repulsive in the world of soccer might be a Carlos Tevez - Franck Ribery towel fight. Yikes.

At least there's the Serie A...

2010-04-16T14:41:00.006-04:00

So let's see.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse for Arsenal this season, they (1) lost their best defender for the remainder of the season and (2) lost to a team that hadn't won a league game against them for over a decade. Oh yeah, and it was Spurs. I really don't want to talk about it.

Chelsea also ground out a 1-0 win in a game they could have easily lost 2-1 if the referee hadn't decided that playing the ball with your hand in the area was acceptable. So barring the most miraculous/bizarre turn of events, they're cruising for the Double. Liverpool, the only member of the "Big Four" that I didn't really loathe is up for sale and essentially out of the CL, to be replaced by either Spurs (shudder) or Man City, which is quickly becoming almost as unlikable (and scary) as its neighbor. So the forces of evil triumph again.

In Spain, Barca hold a three point advantage which is quickly looking insurmountable. And anyway, it's just Madrid in the mix. Everyone else is like a million points behind.

So again, I feel stupid for asking Juan why I should care about the Serie A at the beginning of the season. Indeed, it's got my full attention now. There are three teams with legitimate shots at the title. Juve are fighting for their CL lives, and a lot more manfully than their current "Big Four" English counterpart in Liverpool. I hope they get there - the CL doesn't feel right without Alex del Piero curling in delightful free kicks and generally wreaking more havoc than you ever thought a 35 year old 5'8" Italian could cause on a football pitch. Forza Juve. Forza Roma. Let's make this a season to remember.

Weekly Round-Up

2010-04-11T14:04:00.011-04:00

Unbelievable week of football. Maybe the most entertaining I've ever seen, and that says a lot, considering my bias and the fact that Arsenal only played once and got smashed. Let's take a look at what went down, in order of what I most want to talk about:

1) Roma went top of the league in the Serie A. Which is kind of amazing, especially when one considers the way they started the season; at the end of November, they had lost five of their ten league matches and accumulated a measly eleven points. They were in relegation territory. They haven't lost any of their 23 matches since then. They've defeated Inter, Juve, and Fiorentina. And yet it's been a sneaky climb to the top. Until this moment, I've seen very little in the soccer media world that has mentioned them. Roma aren't really a flashy club, and media coverage has reflected that: they don't have the superstar names of Milan, the self-promotion of Signore Mourinho, or the morbidly fascinating self-destruction of Juve. But I've always considered Roma my Serie A club of choice, although I admittedly don't follow that league as closely as a certain co-author of this blog. Nevertheless, it would be nice to see them win something. I've always rated Vucinic very highly, Totti is a living legend, Luca Toni (an excellent loan signing) deserves a Scudetto for his years of excellent service to the game and to Juan's love of flowing Italian hair, and despite having John Arne Riise and Julio Baptista draped around its neck, the club has somehow found a way to succeed (kidding, mostly, but hey, any opportunity to reference this). Juan (not ours, the Brazilian CB) and Burdisso have stopped leaking goals, which bodes well for both the Brazilian and Argentinian national squads. Even Mexes has looked decent in his limited appearances.

A lot of the credit has to go to Claudio Ranieri, perhaps the most underappreciated manager in world football. This is the man who built Chelsea into a serious force, only to have a certain "Special One" swoop in and take them to the next level. This is the man who led Juve to third place after the club spent a year in the Serie B (anyone who thinks they were finishing higher than that after a year of second division competition is nuts) and then second the next year. Since he's been fired, look how well things have worked out (OK, a little better in the last couple weeks, but still dicey). At any rate, if Roma somehow pull this off, it'll be one of the greatest turnarounds in football history, and Ranieri will get the league title his career so richly deserves. Last year, I only half-jokingly asked Juan why anyone should care about the Italian league. This is why.

2) Messi curb-stomped a depleted Arsenal and in so doing, seriously entered the discussion for GOAT (as if he weren't already there before). Pretty well-tread turf, this, so I'll just move on, but before I do: Xavi. My lord. More on this man later.

3) Man United had an awful week, especially by their standards of recent years. Dumped out of the CL (after coming out like a house on fire), possibly losing Rooney for a few more games, and then drawing against lowly Blackburn yesterday. The game against Bayern was delightful if you were a neutral (or perhaps holding a grudge of some kind, don't know why you would), but totally heartbreaking and demoralizing for United supporters. They wasted Nani's greatest performance in a United shirt (at times I thought Fergie brought back Cristiano and dressed him up like Michael Jackson) and Rooney's fragile ankle for a punch straight to the gut courtesy of one Arjen Robben. And what a punch, might I add. That strike, especially along with Robben's rapidly receding hairline, gave me deja vu.

I just have a few more things to add (cue Cartman voice): Oh nooo, your squad played well and yet was eliminated? You've suffered unfortunate injuries to key players? Awww. Your strikers somehow can't find the net, despite a wealth of chances? Oh bummerrrr. People are scoring wondergoals against you? You're losing or drawing key games at the worst possible time? Welcome to my world, welcome to my hell, Manchester United supporters.

4) Xavi orchestrated an excellent Barca performance to defeat Madrid in El Clasico for the fourth time running. This means Pep has won every meeting between the clubs since he took over. Messi got the opener and Pedro finished the second very well, but for me, Xavi was the standout player on the pitch. A lot of people talk about Messi as the second coming of Maradona, but Xavi is the second coming of... well, actually, it's hard to say. Zidane? He certainly can control a midfield like Zizou. Platini? His passes are inch-perfect like the original French maestro. But he doesn't score as much as either one. And he's 5'7" (same as Iniesta, and something I frequently forget). Hmm... Guardiola? Nah, Pep was more defensive-minded. And Xavi's better. Ah, forget it, comparisons like this are stupid. I'll just say that in twenty years, we'll be talking about current players and trying to figure out which one is the second coming of Xavi. And that's about the highest praise possible.

5) Maybe Villa midfielder James Milner John Terry-ed John Terry and slept with Mrs. Terry while she was taking some time away from the "Dad of the Year." That's the only explanation I can imagine for this absolutely horrendous challenge by the Chelsea captain in the FA Cup semifinal. Also, look at Terry inititally pretend like he's the one injured and then protest the yellow card (when instead he should have been showered with about ten reds - also, how awesome would it be if instead of just showing the red card, the referee grabbed a handful and literally threw them onto the player like confetti for particularly egregious behavior?). Keep it classy, JT.

6) Let's all laugh at Spurs and send a high-class Thai hooker to Avram Grant for overseeing Pompey's shock FA Cup semifinal victory. Relegated after Saturday's result, they somehow played their way into a second day out at Wembley a few hours ago. Well played, gentlemen. Well played, indeed.

Just Another Reason to Love Fernando

2010-04-05T10:04:00.004-04:00

He's now rooting for Arsenal. And that hair. And because he's magical. So many reasons, really. Arsene should ask him if he wants to take a paycut and play some Champions League football next year or settle for trying to defend his Europa League title (I have them winning it).

Barça Bleeds

2010-03-31T10:07:00.009-04:00

"Today's agenda:
We have your new boots up in the Sentra. Go to the Emirates, tell them Arsene sent-ya. You should feel strange if no goals are exchanged - just remain as calm as possible and if not, take more shots, we know how you do. Please make your win clean, no conceded goals in between, beat them and flee the scene. Or else, your legacy is on the shelf, we mean this Andrei. I got the trophies to blow the wall out, clear the mall out. Don't worry about the fallout, word to Cesc, I bet Barça are p*$#sy. The thought of this win pushes me. Cesc pay attention, these owners are just henchmen, if you get sold they'll get paid, and extra probably. Promise me you won't leave us." "I promise," but of course Cesc had his fingers crossed.

Barça bleeds just like us. Picture Arsene being scared of a team that breathes the same air as his. Barça bleeds just like us. Arsene would rather go toe to toe with all of y'all, running is not his protocol.

Arsene and Cesc agreed to come out shootin is silly because Barça have Messi - so Arshavin plans to freak 'em while trying to ignore Titi Henry, who, well, that's a long story. "Cesc get the gasoline because, this spot, Arsenal is about to blow this. Right here at the Emirates is the perfect place, if Barca's offside trap is late, they will meet their fate."
"Theo, pass the gasoline." And he passed Arsene Kerosene. "Whatever, it's flammable, my hunger is unexplainable."
Arsene struck the match and just what he expected, Dani Alves ejected in seconds and here comes two opposite sexes - one Puyol, one Marquez. As soon as the whistle blew Arsenal started blastin. Guardiola's jaw hit the flour, Andrei was laughin. Chance after chance, Song knows our first goal won't be long. The crowd got real loud but still seemed like they would allow it. In the 90th minute this draw was surely over as the cross came from far but can you believe it, Arshavin shanked it over the bar.

Stupid Gooners.

Juventus and the Identity Crisis Facing the Serie A

2010-03-25T10:26:00.010-04:00

To say that the Serie A is still not feeling the effects of Calciopolli is like saying that steroids didn't help Mark McGwire hit home runs. But this is no time to point out that Inter's president also owned the Telecom company that wire-tapped the complicity between Juventus and referees. OK, that was a cheap shot, and in no way does TLOCA condone match-fixing, but let's focus on the roster changes at Juventus since May 2006, when the Serie A exploded.

Check out their roster before the scandal. Here are the top players based on Games Started in 2005/2006 -
Fabio Cannavaro
Gianluca Zambrotta
Emerson
Patrick Viera
Zlatan Ibrahimovic
Pavel Nedved
David Trezeguet
Mauro Camoranesi
Lilian Thuram
Gigi Buffon
Adrian Mutu
Alessandro Del Piero

Wow. That is scary good. Six of their starters are Top-100 players ever. Hindsight is typically flawless but its safe to assume based on how these players performed in the World Cup the next year that this squad is stacked.

Meanwhile, the scandal hits, and somewhere in Durham, NC, Duke lacrosse players throw a party they wish they hadn't. This is now after the Serie B (they had orginially been relegated to Serie C(!) but appealed and won). By Games Started in 2007-

Remained: Trezegol, Del Fire, Gigi The Greatest Ever Buffon, Pavel Blonde Locks Of Love Nedved and Camoranesi

Goodbye:
Cannavaro
Zambrotta
Emerson
Viera
Ibrahimovic
Thuram
Mutu

New as regular starters:
Legrottaglie
Chiellini
Molinaro
Zanetti
Nocerino
Grygera
Salihamidzic
Zebina
Sissoko
Tiago
Iaquinta (9 games started but he did have 8 goals that year)

Ummm yeah - that's quite a downgrade. Especially Molinaro, my nemesis. And clearly Mutu's departure from Juventus upset him so much he turned to cocaine as a manner of coping.

Games Started, in 2008/2009:
Grygera
Nedved (37 years old at the time)
Alessandro Del Fiero (35 at the time but still good)
Molinaro
Chiellini
Legrottaglie
Amauri
Sissoko
Mellberg
Iaquinta
Trezeguet (5 games started he was hurt and so was I) and of course
Buffon

If you don't follow Juventus regularly you surely don't recognize most of those names. This is an odd occurrence for Juventus. How odd? This club has 27 Scudettos, 2 Champions League titles, and dressed the likes of Michel Platini, Roberto Baggio, and Zissou Zidane to name a few.

Let's paint this a different way. Imagine if Everton had exposed Manchester United for an atrocious and condemning match fixing scandal that saw the Red Devils relegated. A young Cristiano Ronaldo leaves as a result, and so does Rio Ferdinand, Patrice Evra, Vidic, Carrick and Fletcher. And then, just to be funny (or something), Rio Ferdinand signs 4 years later and is mostly washed-up. Hey, kind of like right now for Rio (ZING!). It's safe to say this squad is going to suffer.

Now add a global recession, a domestic recession for Italian owners, and unfavorable taxes for the ultra-rich relative to Spain and less so England. All that coupled with a Serie A without its Manchester United leaves you a league at sixes and sevens. And more importantly, a league about to lose its 4th Champions League spot. So it's all fun and games when Clint Dempsey puts a cross into the top corner by accident to send home a sorry Juventus from the equally sorry Europa league competition until someone gets hurt. And the Serie A is hurting.

Define Classy

2010-03-17T10:03:00.012-04:00

Whenever I want to feel dumb I seek out the cartoons of the New Yorker. I fully understand a cartoon at an average that would embarrass even Alphonso Soriano. The mind games are rampant as well. "Oh that's funny, I get that one... ...wait, do I get it? That seemed too easy... I probably don't get it - let me read this a few more times to see if there is something more clever."

Whenever I want to feel smart, I check out the recaps at Soccernet of games I watched . They did not let me down:
The headline would be brilliant in it's sarcasm if only the story beneath it was in any way concordant. But this is football in England and complaints of physical play is the worst kind of faux pas.

I am of course referring to two of the most obvious fouls witnessed in recent memory. This was more egregious than when Fletcher slid into Arshavin and cradled the ball in his arms in the box and far more obvious than the Henry double tap-that. The first foul was Thiago Motta on Ivanovic and the second was Walter Samuel on Didier Drogba. Both were in the box.

If a director were to recreate the scene, the conversation would go something like this:
OK. Ivanovic stole the purse of an old lady, you, Thiago, can only use his arm to get him to the ground. Go! [Thiago proceeds with both of his hands to grab Ivanovic's arm and after some pulling and yanking, eventually gets Ivanovic to the turf] [End scene].
The second foul, with Samuel neutralizing Drogs, looked something like this.
It is quite obvious that Inter sought to ruffle a few feathers on the Chelsea side and the result was a first half that looked like Terry Tate vs. Chelsea Office Workers - with Mourinho playing the role of Ron Felcher.

There is no doubt that if this were Arsenal and fouls like that went uncalled I would be beside myself. And the replay of the Samuel's form tackle on Drogba even had the commentators blushing. But there is also no doubt that Arsene would mention both incidents in a condescending way in the post-game conference, so while I'm not blaming Carlo Ancelotti for his lack of complaints, no comment is the same as no concern.

The only one who seems to be outraged is Drogba. This is the same person who was punished for calling the officials a disgrace when very few had done so last year and it's the same striker who again let his emotions get the better of him. He decided he had been run into enough, elbowed enough, clawed enough and kicked too many times and with no referee protection, can you really blame him for standing up for himself? I don't. At least not this time.

And so the Chelsea Champions League Curse continues.

Samir of Nasri

2010-03-10T10:42:00.005-05:00

It's a good thing that Raymond Domenech is the worst judge of talent since Al Davis because otherwise I'd be very worried in 93 days when Uruguay plays France. I would be worried because Samir Of Nasri absolutely embarrassed two Uruguayans to put Arsenal up 3-nil yesterday in what was a sensational and mesmerizing display of hips. Luckily, Domenech barely plays the French phenom.

If you didn't know, and shame on you, Porto is the unofficial Uruguayan National Club team with 3, count it, 3 Uruguayans, all of them starters. They are: Jorge Fucile, Alvaro Perreira and Cristian Rodriguez. Fucile is the one that people say looks like me, and I don't mind that because he's a very handsome dude. Cristian Rodriguez is the Onion (la cebolla) and Pereira apparently goes by Alvaro on his jersey for reasons I can't explain. Two of them are pictured on the future Nasri poster titled, "Samir of Nasri rudely shows Uruguay how to finish a scoring chance."

While we're here, the other relevant Uruguayans (and soon to become more relevant once we make the semi's in the World Cup) are:
Diego Forlan - Atletico Madrid
Luis Suarez - Ajax and apparently not for long as Chelsea (booo!) are taking a look at him
Martin Caceres - Juventus
Carlos Bueno - Penarol on loan to Real Sociedad - the founder and creative force behind this very website. You really need to click on that video if you didn't - it's quite possibly the worst quality of video ever but the highlights are accompanied by the fantastic song that is always at the ready whenever Uruguay scores. The radio blasts it mid-game, the local broadcast has been known to blast it mid-game and it's the song played at the bars whenever the highlights come on the TV later that night and prompts everyone to riot.

Anyway, the Arsenal look great and here's to hoping that Lyon, AC Milan and Inter Milan all win!

Stoke Fans and the Culture of English Football

2010-03-01T10:28:00.012-05:00

I was scouring the internet today to try and find the Shawcross tackle on Francis Jeffers when Mr. Jeffers also had his leg broken by the "fantastic talent" that is Ryan Shawcross and I stumbled upon a very popular* message board for Stoke City fans. This is the type of forum where English soccer fans such as "Shrimp" post pictures that have been photo-shopped to reveal how Ramsey had broken his leg before the Shawcross challenge. Delightful. Anyway, enjoy a brief glimpse into the brilliant minds of England's finest Stoke City fans.

Mozzer68 says:
Don't change Ryan, You are a Stoke legend.

A seasoned veteran of 2.5 years in a Stoke Jersey and 94 appearances is all you need to be a legend in the Stoke ranks. Oh, oh, I almost forgot, you also have to have broken two legs.

Suck_the_mop_in_the_prem says:
go for it mate stokies all over are proud of you. p s sue the arse off wenger for his comments

Whenever Arsenal players injure someone I brim with pride. It overflows. As for the post script I'm afraid I must defer to our blog's esquire as to the legal precedent of said case.

Dano75 says:
Head up son, you have been selected for the national team on merit

The merit of Ashley Cole's broken ankle and the steadfast erection of John Terry.

Stokie23 says:
Complete accident...no blame towards Ryan...your the future England Captain !!!

Prophetic, poignant and two thumbs up for the grammar!!!

Wycombestokie says:
It should be the proudest day of his life. Ryan Shawcross is the legend he truly is, in my household. I didnt care about the result in the end, just felt for him, like every other stokie.

Hmmm. I'm a bit confused with the circuitous logic (is the legend he truly is) and the use of that comma. But I won't nitpick, he's right that it should be the proudest day of Ryan's life... wait what?

Northwichstokie, bring us home:
You have all our support, what happened was an accident it happens in contact sport;
In 7 years of running junior football teams I've had 3 broken legs a broken collar bone, a compound 90' broken wrist and a ruptured knee (still out after 2 years) , none have been malicous, all just accidents, it happens in a quick contact sport.

Um. Sweet jesus. Apparently we need to send out some more well-wishes to the junior players of Northwichstokie who has his kids auditioning for a future in the paraplegic world cup.

Northwichstokie brings me perfectly into a note about the culture of English football. Cesc Fabregas mentioned something during his postgame conference that got my attention, "I know it's England and it's a great game in this country."

Is it? Is it a great game in England? Well Cesc is right about something;

It is currently the most watched premier league in the world (2nd - La Liga, 3rd - Serie A)
It is currently the most lucrative football league in the world (see above**)

But is England the reason why it's a great game? I'm not so sure. Let's take a look at the Champions League, who's final last year surpassed the Superbowl in viewers to become the world's most watched single sporting event.

Since 1992, when the EPL formed, 317 different players have won the Champions League trophy. Of the winners, 18 of those players were of English nationality. Eighteen. That's 6%.

But Juan, you're not counting repeat winners. You're right voice in my head.

Since 1992, the Champions League Trophy has been kissed 398 times. 23 of those kisses came from an English International.
What about other nationalities? Here they are in alphabetical order:
Argentina - 11
Brazil - 30
England - 23
France - 30
Germany - 30
Italy - 68
Netherlands - 23
Portugal - 20
Spain - 93 (wow)
Uruguay - 1 (holler!)

If you equate "great" with "success" then you're definitely not talking about English players. They make up only 6% of successful Champions League winners. 2nd and 3rd place markets, Spain and Italy, pull up the slack (23% and 17% respectively). Those countries are the breeding ground for great football, not England.

You don't like the comparison at the club level? How about the World Cup? There have been 18 World Cups, England has won once. That is - drumroll please... 6% of the World Cup titles!

What do Dan Smith, Martin Taylor and Ryan Shawcross (and Kevin Nolan, Christ!) all have in common? They're all English. So when Fabregas says, "I know it's England," what he's saying is that he knows it's a physical game. Last year English players made up 34% of the league. That's (obviously) way way higher than La Liga and the Serie A. So, like Arsene Wenger, I too don't believe in coincidences. And while people coughxenophobescough complain that there aren't enough English players in the EPL, there may already be too many! If the difference between La Liga and the EPL at the player level is the amount of Englishmen and the result is leg-shattering tackles, then 34% is far too many. I watched Juventus a few months after I started watching Arsenal years ago, and yes, I've seen bad tackles. But again, I too don't believe in coincidences.

Furthermore, it's a regretful, agonizing shame that England is where all the money is. The TV deals that make England the place where the world's talent goes to risk their limbs against sorry English inbreeds is a tragedy. It's like putting the Chicago Symphony Orchestra to play in the streets of East St. Louis. And I can't help but think that when Arsene Wenger says, "that is not football for me. It is not what I like in the game. If you have to live with that, I refuse to do that," he's feeling the same way.

_____
*According to google as a search for "Stoke City message board" has the aforementioned site listed first.
** The bundesliga may be 3rd place, it doesnt change my point so I'm too lazy to look it up

Dedicated to Aaron Ramsey

2010-02-27T16:38:00.010-05:00

Take away the emotion for a moment and examine the facts. A red-card tackle by Ryan Shawcross has broken the leg of Aaron Ramsey. The precedents show that Shawcross will be banned for at most 3 games. Aaron Ramsey will miss at least 40.

The (very likely) 3-match-ban does not do justice to his actions on the field. To debate the intent of the foul is useless for two reasons. The first is that it is impossible to definitively do so during a match and the second is that the intent ultimately does not matter. It doesn't matter because the result is unchanged. Aaron's leg is still broken whether Shawcross meant to injure him or not.

You will hear that Shawcross cried as he left the pitch. You will hear that Shawcross never had malice in his heart. You will hear that Shawcross is deeply sorry. Remember, none of that changes the fact that he broke his peer's leg while playing football. Moreover, as pundits and fans absolve Shawcross for his remorse, it his reaction that is most telling.

Pretend for a moment that you are walking down the sidewalk. Someone is walking in front of you and a moment after you pass them you hear a yelp and crash. You turn around to see that they have fallen and appear to be hurt. What is your reaction? Hold that thought. Now you're walking down the sidewalk again. You're late for work and the person in front of you is walking too slowly and in the middle of the sidewalk. As you hurry by you give the fellow a little shove to get by and woops, the guy falls down. What's your reaction? Oh my, it appears the guy is having a heart attack now as a result of the shove... now what's your reaction? For the first scenario, you've played no part, and your reaction is oh my gosh, confusion, and bewilderment. For the second scenario you instantly feel remorse, you apologize emphatically because, after all, you didn't intend for him to fall down. And for the third scenario you probably freak out, you apologize profusely, you might even start to cry once you realize there is no going back.

I'm being inane but the point stands. If you're truly surprised your tackle has injured someone you look confused, you look around, you might even assume they're faking it. This happens all the time. In the NFL some linebacker makes a tackle, he gets up, maybe even celebrates, and then - oh my gosh, that guy is hurt, it looks like he tore his ACL or something, I'm gonna go tell him I hope you're OK and he'll nod at me and wave me off. It's the same in soccer. In the Serie A some defender slides in, it's a fair challenge but the forward grabs his ankle. The defender walks away, expects the forward to get up, and if he doesn't he looks a little confused. He may not even show remorse. More often than not you see the defender try and shake the forward's hand. Hey, it's part of the game. Look at the foul on Van Persie. It was Georgio Chiellini and it happened exactly like I've described. I can't overstate how often this happens in sports. It's a true unintentional injury. And it's the reason why you haven't heard a peep about Chiellini.

Now look at the Shawcross foul. He lunges. He dives in. He commits full-hearted to a tackle that, even if he had won, results in a throw-in for Arsenal. This wasn't in front of goal, this wasn't a scoring opportunity, this was in the middle of the field and Shawcross had a heavy touch. The ball was getting away from him. So he lunges. He puts all of his 200 pounds into a swing that cuts through Aaron Ramsey's leg. It makes me sick. I hate even thinking about it. And then Shawcross pops up and his reaction is instant. He immediately is stunned and starts tearing up. It's the reaction that says, oh my god, I can't believe I just did that. Nobody intends to break someone's leg. Nobody tries to injure someone like that. But Shawcross committed himself with devastating force. He knows it. He knows it was excessive. If it wasn't excessive, if he truly didn't put something extra in the tackle, why would he react like that? Why would he freak out if this was like any other play in soccer? He lost control, he let himself lose control, and instantly realized his actions.

It's also why his - I'm so sorry's - are going to be emphatic. He might cry on camera again. He feels bad, and the more it lingers on him and the more he is sorry, the more he will incriminate himself. If it's an honest play then you say, woops, sorry, it's part of the game, I never wish that on anyone. That will not be his apology. I'm sure of it. If his apology is matter of fact, or in any way is indicative of a "these things happen" kind of foul, then I will take this post down. I'll delete it permanently and post a picture of penis after I've taken a cold shower. I'll label it with my full name and social security number. That's how sure I am.

But more seriously I will admit I'm wrong. If Ryan Shawcross can look into a camera, shrug, and say, it's a terrible thing that happened, it's part of the game, I do that tackle 99 out of 100 times - then I'm wrong.

There is a reason why it looks strange. There is a reason why you almost never see a tackle like that. It happens so fast. It kind of comes from the side. It's an odd play. After a heavy touch like that a player just runs by (and jerks his head up in the air as if to say, shit) or he slides. That doesn't happen. Shawcross tries to kick through the ball like he's clearing a medicine ball off the goal-line. Huh? Why would he do that? How can you watch that inexplicable decision and say there was no thought involved? He didn't mean to kick Ramsey? What did he expect? Shawcross lunges and kicks through the player and the ball and expected... ... what... exactly to happen?

It's easy to blame Arsenal. "It's the Arsenal style, you beat Arsenal by getting physical." I even read somewhere that Ramsey showed inexperience by dragging the ball with his foot instead of clearing it. What!? This is Ramsey's fault? Has the world gone mad? I won't address those comments. I don't have time to waste - not even on a blog that nobody reads. This is Ryan Shawcross' fault, and the price he'll pay is a 3-match-ban.

That's despicable and it's a travesty to sports. But there is no use begging for more games. Suspension with wages is silly. He doesn't deserve a permanent ban from soccer, he deserves what in my opinion would be worse, a label. A foul like that should not be forgotten. Aaron Ramsey will never forget when his leg was shattered and Shawcross should never be allowed to forget either. It's the only power we have as fans. Fans shape the legacy of players and we label athletes all the time. Ryan Shawcross' label should always include a red-card, leg-breaking foul. It's the reason I wrote this post, so that I don't forget.

So don't forget what Ryan Shawcross did - whether he's in the Championship wasting away at Watford like Martin Taylor or he's starting at left back for the English National team. Intent or not, accident or not, there must be a consequence for putting another man's career in the balance, and the least we can do as fans is always associate him for what he did to Aaron Ramsey.

Dang Chelsea

2010-02-22T08:51:00.004-05:00

These guys are just relentless with the skirt-chasing.

Also, Ashley Cole's wife kinda looks like a younger, English Eva Longoria. I know it's all about the thrill and danger of conquest and the whole "I am awesome and this woman throwing herself at me is tangible proof" mindset that really makes this happen (see Woods, Tiger and every famous and/or powerful man throughout the history of mankind). But if you just google "Cheryl Cole" or "Cheryl Tweedy," it's hard not to ask yourself what the hell Cashley was thinking.

Since I Did It Yesterday

2010-02-17T20:59:00.005-05:00

I might as well do it again. But I don't want really want to...

OK, Porto vs. Arsenal. [Highlight links to follow]

Porto 1 - 0 Arsenal. What. The. Hell. I honestly don't know what to do about our goalkeeping situation. Cesc said it all: "schoolboy goals." If I had my way, Fabianski would never, ever play for Arsenal again. I'm sorry, but he's simply not good enough to be the #2 for this team, let alone #3. Or #4. Or the personal shopper for Nicklas Bendtner. As I was watching the goals he conceded today, I felt like Buster at the 5:30 mark of this episode. (Lots of effort, I know, but it's worth it.) Last season, he singlehandedly knocked us out of the running for a trophy. Does anyone remember this? My God. I just hope he hasn't done it again, but to be fair, if we can't beat Porto at home, we don't deserve to advance. So that's that.

Porto 1 - 1 Arsenal. Perfectly executed. Porto's defending wasn't great, so that helps, but there's not a lot you can do when a corner is worked as well as that. Back post to Rosicky, straight to Campbell, and hey presto, welcome back Sol!

Porto 2 - 1 Arsenal. See commentary for first goal. Although for this one, a few small shares of blame parceled out to referee Martin Hansson (seriously, dude?), and Sol for not just kicking the ball away and taking a yellow or doing that annoying thing where you stand in front of the ball. Come on guys.

All in all, a pretty awful game to watch. Porto played good attacking football, and Arsenal matched them for it in the first half. I honestly thought we'd take it to them and win in the second. But oh well. Also, they were kicking the hell out of Cesc. And though I can't really blame them for taking that approach, I can certainly hate them for it. Which I do.

Bayern Munich vs. Fiorentina.

Bayern 1 - 0 Fiorentina. Weirdness. Uh, advantage? Bayern were rightfully furious. If that penalty were saved, the ensuing drama would have been priceless. Either way, really nice buildup; Robben is fantastic at the moment.

Bayern 1 - 1 Fiorentina. Shambolic.

Bayern 2 - 1 Fiorentina. Yeah... so, was there some sort of bet you could place on both CL games finishing with this scoreline and both awful referees being awful?* Because if there were, the fix was totally in. The red card that came in the period before this goal I can kind of comprehend. The elbow was high and it looked like it was deliberately aimed at Robben's throat. On replay, it's a yellow, though. As for the goal itself... that is the most offside goal I have ever seen allowed. That's all I have to say about that.

* Can someone please explain to me how Martin Hansson and Tom Henning Øvrebø (you like that?) still have their jobs? Hansson missed the most obvious and controversial handball since Maradona. Øvrebø absolutely jobbed Chelsea out of a deserved spot in the CL final last year (don't get me wrong, I'm still laughing uproariously about that and I agree with this man that no es Andres Iniesta, es el Dios de la justicia del fútbol, but still, Chelsea got absolutely, completely, totally robbed - Didier was right). Well, at least having those two around keeps things interesting. And totally insane.

Tuesday Wrap-Up

2010-02-16T21:30:00.007-05:00

Just a few quick thoughts about today's CL games/goals that couldn't be fit in a comment.

In the United - Milan game:

1. Milan 1 - 0 Man U. Welcome back to relevance, Ronaldinho. It's nice to see him quietly on the up and up this season. And though his goal was a bit fortunate, a shade of that fantastic technique shows through - hitting that and putting it on target is, uh, pretty hard.

2. Milan 1 - 1 Man U. Paul Scholes scores goals. Sometimes they're amazing. And sometimes they're amazing-ly lucky/fluky/ridiculous. This one is mesmerizing, but not because of anything he does intentionally. Although if someone did that on purpose, swinging a leg and whiffing and letting the ball deflect off the standing leg, it would be unbelievable. It reminded me of this.

3. Milan 1 - 2 Man U. Rooney just wants to score more than any defender in the world wants to stop him. This is just sheer athleticism, positional awareness, desire, and technique. Great goal.

4. Milan 1 - 3 Man U. So, if trying to push Rooney wide to the far post resulted in a goal, maybe the Milan players decided to just let him have two free headers (one to win the ball, one to score) in the belief that it wasn't worth their time. Or maybe they were too busy thinking about the delicious pasta or risotto dinners waiting for them, prepared and served by fine-featured brunettes with soft hands and large, brown eyes. Either way, it's called suicidal defending.

5. Milan 2 - 3 Man U. Wonderful goal. Excellent buildup, perfect pass, the finish it deserved (let's see how many cliches I can work into one sentence). Unlike Scholes, Seedorf knew exactly what he was doing. He confuses me, though. I know he's a legend, and when he does stuff like that, I get it, but often I don't know what he's still doing out there. Whatever.

Honestly, Milan could have scored about a million goals in this game. I felt like I was watching an older, Italian version of Arsenal. Sigh.

In Lyon vs. Madrid:

Lyon 1 - 0 Madrid. HAHAHA. Well-deserved, says I. It takes something special to beat Iker from that range, and that was dripping with delicious special sauce as it swerved from left to right. Also, Govou and Lisandro have oodles of swag, which I like, but how many Row Z screamers did they smack before Makoun scored? Tee him up next time, eh boys?

Some takeaway questions:

On current form, is Wayne Rooney the best player in the world? If not, then who? Discuss.

Is there a coach with better hair than Leonardo? When Milan play against Inter or Barca, which team do the 30+ female viewers decide to secretly support when it's him versus Jose or Pep?

What are the odds on Madrid going out? And if they do, how much do they intensify their summer bid for Cesc? I know he "bleeds Barcelona" and all that, but honestly, if anyone needs a creative general with redonkalous field vision, it's los Galactifails, not Barca. So, how much do they spend to get him? And who goes the other way? Alright, that's plenty for now.

The State of the Union

2010-02-15T17:54:00.010-05:00

With the Champions League finally back this week it's time to look at the state of the English Premier League. So, as per the table:

Chelsea - 58 pts
I was hoping to title this post, John Terry Wants To Have Your Abortion, with this fabulous picture to match. My favorite headline is far and away, "Chelsea captain Terry delighted with another clean sheet." You see Mr. Terry doesn't fancy protection and well... you get it right?

Anyway, can Terry and his boys go the distance is the question United and Arsenal wait to find out. And only United have any more say in the matter head-to-head on April 3rd. Chelsea's upcoming games are:
win, City, win, win, win, Aston Villa, at United, win, at Tottenham, win, at Liverpool, win.

Everton, in their incredible form as of late, beat Chelsea last week and kept the Prem interesting. But perhaps there are more points to be miscarried with at least five more non-guaranteed games coming up. The climax of this season could get a bit sticky for Mr. Terry and recent deadline transfers James Westfall and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

Manchester United - 57 points
United have been my surprise of the season so far. I wagered a cheap jersey of choice that Rooney wouldn't score 15 goals this season in the EPL. He has 21 with fourteen games to go. My only way out of this wager is if United doesn't finish in the top two as I required that his success must also lead to United success. So, needless to say I didn't see this coming at all.

Rooney has carried this squad for every league game thus far and his absurd form has England fans in rapture when they think about the World Cup. He grabbed his ankle a few games back and the announcer half-joked that all of England was holding their breath. A few moments passed and he chuckled nervously as even he realized he might be right. I have yet to see a striker in the past 5 years look so confident and so comfortable in front of goal as Rooney in domestic play. We're in Ruud and Raul territory here. This hurts me. Moving on.

Valencia and more so, Nani, seem to be coming around and with Ferguson's genius coupled with Carrick's anti-football United are still in it. Their upcoming games are:
at Everton, win, win, win, Liverpool, win, Chelsea, win, at City, Tottenham, win, win.

In earnest I don't expect Everton to help out anymore than they already have, but at City could be interesting. In reality this unstoppable red and indebted train has only Chelsea in their path. As much as I want to talk myself into Pool and City and Tottenham posing a threat, I just can't do it.

Arsenal - 52 pts
TLOCA has turned their attention to the Champions League as the last trophy we have a good chance at hoisting. I refuse to get suckered into the EPL again. Not gonna do it. Well... I guess we can look at their remaining games:
win, win, win, win, win, win, win, at Tottenham, win, City, win, win.

Oh no. It's happening. I can't believe it, but yes, if we get 32 points out of our remaining 14 games the EPL is ours. We're still alive. We are. Seriously, we are.

Liverpool - 44 pts
I am confident they will remain in the Top 4. If vegas would give me better than 11/10 that they will I'd throw something on it, but even money is not worth shite. Upcoming:
at City (!!), blah, blah, blah, at United, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Chelsea, blah.

Liverpool have a real opportunity here to propel Arsenal to the top in their quest to remain in the top 4. So again, I'm confident (looking at you gimpy Torres) that Liverppol will remain in the top 4.

Manchester City - 44 points - Two (!) games in hand.
Greedy-bayooooooooooooorrr, Greedy-bayooooooOOOOOR. His dad has a lowly profession and his mum is a whore.

I have no issues calling someone's mother a whore. My issue is with the racial undertones of chanting that his father washes elephants. Juventus got absolutely skewered when they sang "There's never been a black Italian" (or directly translated to, there's never been an italian born black) and English teams should get some negative press for singing the Adebayor song too. Show me the video of Ade running 100 yards to celebrate his mediocre goal and I'm liable to change my mind and throw something sharp, but for now I don't like the chant.

Here's the reason why I don't think City can hold on:
blah , Liverpool, Chelsea, Tottenham, -, -, -, -, -, United, Arsenal, Villa, -

That's brutal. And that's the thing about the top four - you have to beat them to get there. It sounds stupid to say, but Arsenal don't have to play Arsenal two times a year. And obviously what I mean is that Arsenal have 6 games against top 4 opponents, City have 8. And if you're City you haven't earned the respect to have McCarthy send out 11 training ground players and concede three points. Teams believe they can beat you, and thus try harder. Belonging in the Top 4 is like being a New York Times Bestseller. Did you earn it, or is the fact that you're labeled one make it easier to be one. .... Yeah. Anyway, that made sense when I started the sentence.
____________

Porto on Wednesday and frankly I love, but am not in love with, a 4-nil thrashing that allows my new lust Carlos Vela some playing time in the second leg. Come on Carlitos!

Liverpool Despair at the Britannia

2010-01-16T09:38:00.011-05:00

Three days ago it couldn't have gotten any worse for Liverpool. Torres tears his knee and Gerrard re-aggravates his hamstring. Benayoun gets injured as well just to complete a long awaited exhale out of the FA Cup - their last chance at silverware mind you. It's January.

Currently, their official goal is 4th place in the Premiership and some might say (hint: me) that's been their goal for 4 weeks now. I was there last year with Arsenal, I know a 4th place team when I see it. Enter Stoke City. It's the 8am start so I can't say with 100% certainty, but Liverpool come out frantic... in a good way. That is to say they sprint hard after every ball, challenge every header and have a certain amount of positive flail about them. Rafa and his squad are leaving no doubt that they want this game. There's just one problem, they're not any good.

To be sure, a Liverpool side with a healthy Torres and Gerrard are capable of beating any team any time. But this particular Liverpool side, with Ngog and Kuyt up top followed by Degen, Aurelio, Mascherano and Lucas in the midfield are simply awful. Aquilani and Maxi-gol may be the answer they are looking for, but not yet, and not today.

The first half ends with only one incident of note, and that's a half-dive by Lucas in the box. He sees yellow for his troubles. That insufferable drunk Tommy Smythe says that it's clearly a penalty and Adrian Healey ignores him. It wasn't a penalty, not even close, but I mention it because it's the moment when Liverpool calm down. They realize their energy needs to manifest itself in a controlled way if they're to take three points because the game hitherto screams nil-nil.

Liverpool get their goal, it's the 55th minute, and the camera immediately shows Rafa Benitez gesticulating what I interpret to mean, "tighten up back there guys." I'm not going to call it a mistake because it's his only option. When your only chance on goal is one where Kyrgiakos makes William Gallas look like David Trezeguet, packing it in for 30 minutes to hold onto a 1-goal lead is the correct/only choice. If you didn't understand the previous sentence, don't be alarmed, Flesh Kincaid rated it at a 15.37 grade level.

The only flaw in Rafa's plan is that Liverpool aren't accustomed to absorbing pressure when 3 points are on the line. Arsenal can't do this either and again, I know a shaky back-line when I see it. So Huth scores in the 90th minute, it's now 1-1, and before the replays have finished my laptop is started up and I'm looking up the definition of a Greek Tragedy for a good quote.

"[Greek] tragedy is a form of art based on human suffering that paradoxically offers its audience pleasure."

I finish reading the quote and just then, Insua whips in a lovely cross and Dirk Kuyt's diving header bounces off the turf, off the side-bar and away from any further harm.

"Yep," I think, smiling as the whistle blows.

Myeoma, myeoma and Weekend Preview

2009-12-11T13:46:00.009-05:00

Touch, touch, touch, and touch. If Uruguay does well at the World Cup there is a good chance I'll play this song on repeat and dance for 36 hours straight. Normally Jim Stanley does the Weekend Preview but I've decided to give it a crack.

(all times Eastern)

Saturday

7:45 am - Stoke City vs. Wigan Athletic
Before you immediately X the screen and get annoyed that you've doubly wasted your time reading this blog, just remember that this game is on Espn. So out of principle, since we all want Espn to buy more Premier League games, you should tune in. Not to mention that getting up to watch soccer is the most pleasant of alarm clocks. You can snooze a little during half-time or have breakfast. Soccer this early in the morning is a good thing, even if it is only between two squads that are frisky at best.

10:00 am - Bolton vs. Manchester City
The Citeh is on a tear as of late and this match is on Fox Soccer Channel. In case our reader didn't know, Veetle.com is a nice place to watch any games currently showing on FSC or GolTV if you don't get those channels at home. And so far as I know I haven't downloaded any viruses or had my identity stolen yet. Manchester City is a permanent fixture on my watch-list this year if they don't conflict with the other TLOCA teams because they are one of two teams in my opinion that can break up the big four (pictured*). The other team was Hull City at the beginning of the season but now is more reasonably Tottenham if only for their propensity to explode offensively.

12:30 pm - Manchester United vs. Aston Villa FSC (note the 30 minute lunch break)
As much as I want to hype this contest to be a close one I can't bring myself to do it. United will be playing at Old Trafford having won its last 5 meaningful games and Aston Villa, who choke harder than Latrelle Sprewell, have tied or lost 7 of their last 10 games. Only one of those came against the big four, Chelsea. This one will end 3 nil and by the 80th minute you'll realize suddenly it's been an extremely one-sided contest and a typical United win. BOOOO. Whatever, its still the U, and therefore you must watch.

2:30 pm - Bari vs. Juventus FSC
No, the bitterness hasn't subsided yet. This year the inevitable Juventus crash out of the Champions League was a bit more sour than usual simply because this year's team was a better team than last year, and much more suited for the CL. All of this in spite of the fact that it was clear they didnt' have it, whatever it is that makes a team's impending failures tremendously obvious. Think Hleb and Flamini leaving with no reasonable replacements at Arsenal. So, in summary, David Trezeguet should be starting and that's why you should watch.

Sunday

9:00 am - Atalanta vs. Inter
This is a highly comical match-up we, as followers, are privy to twice a year because Atalanta and Inter have the exact same uniforms. Thus, if you're hung over just enough you might go the whole first half wondering when Inter signed Robert Acquafresca and why he's starting over Samuel Eto'o. To be frank, the only reason I watch Inter nowadays is because I hate Jose Mourinho and I want to understand why Inter, with their mostly uninspiring squad achieves any success at all. I don't get it and it's almost as if every time I watch them play I get further and further from the answer.

11:00 am - Liverpool vs. Arsenal FSC
If you had forgotten, Arshavin scored four goals against this team in what was the most disappointing yet insignificant draw in Arsenal history. I expect a win and even though Torres will be back and will surely score a hat-trick, we should still win 5-3. This game is unfortunately somewhat irrelevant since the season will be decided for Arsenal come January 27th, when they play, in order, Aston Villa, Manchester United, Chelsea and Liverpool. I am not looking forward to that.

Enjoy the weekend.

*From left to right; David Lloyd (Britain), Vittorio Orlando (Italy), George Clemenceau (France) and Woody Wilson (USA). The beauty of this photo, also coined, "The Big Four," is that Arsenal is clearly Clemenceau, Man Utd Woodrow, Chelsea Lloyd, though those two can be interchanged, and Vittorio, Liverpool, is trying to stay relevant even then. I think we know how this story ends. I feel like I've written this before...

The Pots Are In!

2009-12-02T11:33:00.004-05:00

Before this blog turns into all things Chelsea, it's time to move on to much, much bigger things.

Pot A
Argentina, Brasil, England, Germany, Italy, Netherlands, South Africa, Spain

Pot B
Australia, Japan, North Korea, South Korea, Honduras, Mexico, United States, New Zealand

Pot C
Algeria, Cameroon, Ivory Coast, Ghana, Nigeria, Chile, Paraguay, Uruguay

Pot D
Denmark, France, Greece, Portugal, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Switzerland

I'm almost never correct in my predictions so it's quite necessary I point out when I am;
"- France has no business being in the "top-seeded" pot. And if Platini doesn't want more controversy on his hands, he'll make sure they're not.
- Holland deserves to be in Pot 1"
That quote was in this post and directly above my prediction that Arsenal would win 3-1 against Chelsea. Yay!

The Forces of Evil Triumph Again

2009-11-29T22:46:00.005-05:00

And emphatically, might I add. My brother, a Chelsea supporter, accused me over Thanksgiving of irrationally hating on Chelsea with the joint post that Juan and I put up a few days ago. Well, that's absolutely true - I hate Chelsea. But as I tried to explain, it's not the kind of hate that could be described as disdain or loathing. It's the kind of hate that the Arab states had (and mostly still have) for Israel. The kind you had in second grade for the playground bully. I'm talking about the good old fashioned kind of hate: the kind born of fear.

Today, everyone saw exactly why I feel this way. Chelsea put on an absolute clinic in how to deal with Arsenal. Soak up the pressure. Be patient. Don't try to win the possession battle, because you can't. But make sure that almost everyone is behind the ball, especially when it gets anywhere near the box. Pump balls forward. And whenever possible, whip a low cross into the six yard box and trust that William Gallas will mismanage it 1 out of 5 times. Oh, and have Didier Drogba. That strategy helps a lot.

Chelsea supporters should be really excited about this team. It's true that the ACN will deprive them of some key players, including the aforementioned Drogba, but their schedule during that period isn't overwhelming. They have yet to really suffer the key injuries which have afflicted all three of the other "Big Four" clubs. They're incredibly well organized and they have explosive talent that can win games at any moment. Again, the football isn't the prettiest, but it's incredibly effective. And it's hard to argue about the aesthetics of Drogba's second, which was a beautiful, perfectly placed free-kick, reminiscent of Cristiano or Thierry in his prime. The announcer summed it up perfectly after the opener, though. "Same old story: Arsenal play the football, Chelsea have the goal." And so it goes.