On the Record

It's finally here. If you're like me you've been watching the Espn countdown clock for the past 17 days. You also would have noticed that the Espn banner clock counted down to midnight last night while the EuroSoccernet page had the correct countdown. I was kind of confused for 11 hours.

Anyway, allow me to go on record with what will surely not take place:

Group A
Portugal (winner)
Switzerland (advance)

Group B
Germany (winner)
Croatia (advance)

Group C
Italy (winner)
Netherlands (advance)

Group D (My pick for the not so obvious group of death)
Greece (winner)
Spain (advance)

Quarters
Portugal (over Croats)
Germany (over SwissMiss)
Italy (over Red Fury)
Greece (over VanPersie's exploding quad)

Semis
Portugal (over Ze Germans)
Italy (over Octopus Ceviche)

Winner
See photo



Surprise picks to advance
Romania, Turkey

Surprise pick to win it all
Spain (yes this counts as a surprise)


Enjoy the games - I know I will

Another Friendly

"Bye dad! Bye mom!," the children exclaimed as they ran to the car.

"Bye kids. Don't stay up too late and don't bother your aunt Kathy. Thanks so much for doing this again, Kathy," said the mother.

"Oh it's nothing really," Kathy dismissed, "you two deserve some time alone," she said with a wry smile.

"Kathy!" the mom said blushing.

"Come on honey. She's right," chuckled the husband. They finished saying their goodbyes and the door finally shut. They both let out a sigh and took in the silence.

The food arrived 20 minutes later and after enjoying a nice quiet dinner the couple sauntered into the bedroom. She was trying not to show it, but the woman was getting very nervous. She knew the statistics that her husband did not and worse, they applied to her. So while it was very nice of aunt Kathy to have scheduled such an event, it didn't necessarily mean good things were going to happen.

As more and more articles of clothing were removed the woman cleared her head and was ready to give this another try. She disliked bad sex, even though she knew she their was little alternative, and that's why she tried to keep an open mind before every go.

Things were progressing pretty much as she remembered and then something dreaded happened. Her mind began to wander and when she came to, she realized after only 1 minute - nope, not this time. It was a shame that she would have to continue for 8 more minutes, plus any cuddle time, when she knew pretty much right away this wasn't going to work.

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Spain vs. USA game notes

• We slide tackle way, way, too much. Bradley, Pearce, Hejduk, and Cherundolo leave their feet 4 out of every 5 times they are asked to defend. It reeks of no confidence, it leads to alot of fouls - as they slide anywhere on the field - and even when they do it successfully, we still don't gain possession from it.

• Ball watching ball watching ball watching. If you weren't entirely sure you would have thought that inside the new Euro ball a video is playing that shows a naked Jenna Fischer rubbing hot oils all over Megan Fox because Onyewu and Bocanegra loved watching that ball.

• I am now sure that we suck without Landon Donovan but not sure that we are good when he plays. Great.

• If you check the replay, you'll see that Xavi beat 4 US defenders (not counting the goalie) with one turn, one cut, and one shot.

• Dear Eddie Johnson, next time you get a point blank header 3 yards out, please score. Sincerely, everyone who knows deep down you can't possibly suck as much as you do.

• If you put a gun to my head and made me say whether or not the US has any midfielders I would have started crying and had to say no.

• The following players suck: Heath Pearce, Michael Bradley, Josh Wolff, Frankie Hejduk (Frank must get alot of girls with that cool "ie" at the end of his name. I get wet just thinking about calling him Frankie), Demarcus Beasley, Eddie Johnson.
  

• The following players I would say suck if they were on a team like Spain... or England: Cherundolo, Bocanegra, Eddie Lewis (who barely made this category and not the previous), Pablo Mastroeni (nice slide tackle turd sandwich).

• In case you were wondering, that leaves Donovan, Freddy Adu, Altidore (props on Villa), Onyewu/Dempsey who are desperately trying to convince me otherwise, and Edu, whom I often confuse with Adu and that's good enough.

Are we going to qualify for the World Cup - absolutely. It won't even be a problem. We play teams like Barbados, Honduras, Guatemala and Panama. That's laughable... until you realize it's not helping us. So yeah, I'm ecstatic that we're playing England, Spain and Argentina even if we lose every game (which we will).

The problem is that we're quite literally not competing. And that's tough. It's tough being outclassed by teams that everyone knows are better anyway. So when the World Cup comes around, pray that we draw an Asian team, a bottom of the barrel European team and some bad African team because otherwise we're not advancing. Then hope that we have Korea after the group stages, Mexico in the quarter finals, some cinderella African team like Ivory coast in the semis and then pray with all your might - to Jesus, God, Allah, Buddah, anyone, that the other team we'll see in the finals comes down with food poisoning the night before.

Argentina is next.

Don't Worry Juan, France Will Fail

I just needed to respond to the most recent post of my esteemed colleague (with which I wholeheartedly agree). I'd also like to take it one step further and state that I believe France will struggle, and ultimately fail, to leave the group stages. A few reasons:

1. I agree when Juan says the best players France have to call on for this tournament are Scarface, Trezegol, and Paddy. Now, it appears they may be without two of those players. Though current reports say it's only for the first match, how much do you want to gamble on a 31 year old just coming back to full fitness? Not that Flamini and Diarra aren't great replacements (you'll never find a bigger fan, still pissed they both left Arsenal), but neither has the big stage experience and leadership qualities of Vieira. Over the last decade, alongside Zidane, no player has been more instrumental to his national team's success. Indeed, he was almost as crucial to their 2006 WC run as the master himself. Whether it was scoring important goals, serving it up on a platter for his teammates, or just generally sacrificing himself for the good of the squad, Paddy is the heartbeat of the team, and if he's not totally healthy, that's a problem.

2. Domenech is retarded. We already know this. But just to reiterate: Willy Sagnol has a lot of experience at right-back, but he's 31, and Sagna, though new to the scene, is faster and has so much to bring to the table offensively. Anelka, but not Trezeguet? Well, the general explanation for this is that Anelka and Henry gel a little better up front, but I don't know why you wouldn't want that option coming off the bench. And anyway, Gomes and Govou but no Trezeguet? Whatever. Pires has been instrumental to Villareal's recent success and has big-time experience, but Domenech ruled him out years ago for astrological/personal reasons, and unfortunately, at his age he'll never play for France again. At any rate, it's clear that Ray Ray was going for a mix of youth and experience in his squad, but I happen to feel he's gotten it wrong, bringing in youth where more experienced and in-form players should have been selected and choosing age where younger, more dynamic choices would have been appropriate. We'll see.

3. Their group is insanely difficult. I'm convinced that Italy's organization and individual talent will see them through. So that leaves one spot. Personally, I think the Netherlands will take it. Though they just lost Babel and had to call on the awful Khalid Boulahrouz (more like BOOlahrouz), they've still got the deepest and most potent attack (along with Italy) in the tournament, able to call on a legendary poacher (Ruud van Nistelrooy), a creator (Arjen Robben), a born scorer (Klaas-Jan Huntelaar), some glass candy (Robin van Persie), and a guy who works really hard and often shows up at the right place and right time, but is otherwise fairly untalented (Dirk Kuyt). Though their biggest question mark is the back line, they've got van der Sar in goal and with General Wesley Sneijder, an improved van der Vaart, and fine wine Gio van Bronckhorst doing big thangs in the midfield, I think they can pip France out of the group.

France Must Fail

On June 9th, the end of a confusing, awkward, and conflicting era must begin. The French national team, managed by sociopath Raymond Domenech, faces Romania to open their Euro2008. They must lose.

It's not just David Trezeguet either, it's Guily and Pires, Clichy and Flamini. But more so, it's the principle. A significant crop of players of our generation are not allowed to play on the biggest stage. The Champions League pales in comparison to the World Cup, or to Euro. Ask any player that has contributed to their national team whether they would rather win the Champions League or play in the group stages of the World Cup - the answer has to be the latter. The catch is that Domenech has left these players out purely for personal, or even more insane, astrological reasons. From a sports perspective, it cannot stand.

My bias is written all over this blog for Trezegol, but even if you hate him, you must respect good players. If Arsenal beat Liverpool without Gerrard, or ManU without Ronaldo, it wouldn't be as satisfying. If Uruguay beat Argentina without Messi, or Brasil without Ninho, it wouldn't be as satisfying. I'm not saying Trezeguet is the best player on France, but right now, he is in the top three - Ribery, Trezeguet, Vieira.

Treze is accused of not being a team player - watch him celebrate after goals. You've never seen him slide to the corner flag by himself, or stop and pose for the crowd. Why is that? Well it's because he points at his teammate who passed him the ball, and tries to hurt him with happiness. It's not just when he scores, it's when anyone scores. He mauled Salihamidzic, tackled Del Piero and even hunted down Camorenesi. And he does it every time. It's actually one of the reasons why I love him so much.

Treze is also accused of being a choker. Hogwash. His golden goal in the finals of Euro2000 won it all for France and his PK in the World Cup hit the inside of the top crossbar. Oh and by the way, Trezeguet has won more for France than Domenech has... I'll give you a second... think about it... oh... oh... yeah, Domenech hasn't actually won anything for France.

Guily, besides being a Scorpio, was left out because he was rumored to have sent Domenech's girlfriend a text message.
<-- She's pretty hot so I can understand that. Wanting to play young players, I can understand that. I quite obviously cannot understand Domenech. I'm not the only one either. The French Soccer Federation gave Domenech an ultimatum for the World Cup 2006 that France must make the final or he would be fired. Damn. This gives me hope however that if France gets embarrassed in Euro, Domenech is gone. And when Domenech leaves, France will finally be free of his tyranny and fans like you and me (pointing at you) can see the stars that we watch in Club Football every weekend finally play on the biggest stage. Join me and root for Romania June 9th and Holland four days later. It's the only way France can be free.

England USA. Minutes 31-half

30' - Apparently my "tabs" aren't showing up, so I'm resorting to dashes. James' punt finds Rooney who is fouled.

31' - Onyewu and Defoe just outside the box from a long ball tussle. Good no call.

32' - Foul outside the box right side. Beasley to take again. I missed the memo apparently. He hits the first man again. Beasley is my favorite. Or rather, England's favourite. Hahaha, get it?

33' - From a deadball. Contested header falls to Rooney who plays through to Gerrard with speed. Gerrard passes/crosses to Defoe, he hits it just wide. Real scoring chance there. Our midfielders aren't really marking very much.

35' - Dempsey fouls Cole. Bad call. You know to take, he plays through to Lampard wide, except the Lamps wasn't running. He turns and throws his arms up a Beckham. Becks looks confused and Lamps is probably to blame.

37' - another foul. Brown is brought down. Becks to Terry who heads it beautifully down and past Howard. It was well placed and snapped down. Terry unmarked. Closest defenders were Dempsey, who is not a defender obviously, and Bocanegra, who is more likely to be at fault. It's hard to tell there though who is to blame on these plays because only the players in the box know who they took.

39' - fuck. Defoe cuts back Onyewu after a Cole pass and Iguch fouls him. Right outside the box, at the left half-circle. Not looking forward to this one. Hargreaves present. Becks touches to Gerrard who blasts the wall.

40' - England still possesses in our half. Hargreaves crushes it over.

41' - So does Defoe.

42' - Juan is no longer enjoying this game. He hates England. Right as he is typing that, John Arne Risse scores for Norway on a freekick. The wall jumped and he kicked it under. Juan is even more furious. Anyone but gingerballs and he wouldn't be so mad.

43' - Yellow card to Cherundolo who mauls Defoe. Beckham on the pass that threatened. Freekick again just outside the box. Beckham hits the wall.

44' - Hargreaves and Clarke talk shit to eachother. Owen signals that Clarke hit him in the chin. Clarke doesn't know what he's talking about. No call.

45' - One minute of stoppage time. Rooney slides really hard into Clarke from behind on a bouncing ball and gives everyone the "it's ok" hand up so that he doesn't get a card. Half


Halftime

We'll see if I continue to do this. Uruguay finishes tied with Norway 2-2 and the US is down 1 nil to England, in case you only read this line.

The Nike Take it to the Next Level add comes on. That makes me smile for a moment in the midst of my general malcontent. Suarez is limping a little bit. Hopefully he's not too hurt. Yeah, I'm not gonna post unless something good happens - posting garbage news is awful.

England USA. Minutes 16-30

16' Rooney just barely missed Defoe on a through-ball. It hit some USA's heel.

17' The jerseys really do look green sometimes. And no, its not my TV. Cherundulo giveaway to Rooney, he splits him and another and gets fouled at midfield. England possess.

18' Cherundolo misplays a ball that Gerrard eventually finds. Becks at the top of the box rips a bouncing ball way over. USA long ball again. Goddamnt. Hargreaves eventually gets the kick and is fouled just past half.

19' Becks to take. Terry and Ferdinand forward. Onyewu saves the day. I tell you what, assume its David Beckham taking the freekicks for England unless I specify otherwise.

20' Wolff dispossessed. Back to James. The long ball sees Defoe who plays nicely a give and go. Defoe eventually cleats up to Bradley, foul on Defoe.

21' My favorite player Beasley runs up the sideline and Wes Brown kicks it off him.

22' Becks elbows Pearce in the head. Remember when I said Wolff cleared inexplicably, it was Pearce. Rooney WALKS around 2 defenders after a giveaway. Bocanegra mostly at fault. Rooney passes low to Gerrard in the box, it was behind him, his eventual shot is blocked. Phew

23' Ashley Cole pushing (theme?) and was fouled. Uruguay scores, holler. Beckhams freekick is like a corner but 10 meters closer. He picks out Gerrard on a set play. Gerrard was WIDE open and his curler heading top left was blocked. Gerrard seems upset.

24' Beasley fouled. His freekick is long. I'm confused as to why he took it. Terry's header clear is hit to Eddie Johnson and he chips too far again past the goal again.

25' Eddie and someone have a good give and go. Eddie passes it to James. He is seen yelling "F&^K!"

27' Wes Brown fouls Dempsey. He seems to disagree. Dead center of the field, 35 out. Beasley taking it again??? He hits the 2 man wall.

28' Cole streaking again (I just realize I don't have to specify which one, that's nice). Gerrard with some steam. Nothing results. Another Eddie Johnson siting on the counter. Also nothing results.

29' Terry giveaway looking for Becks. The US cross is untouched. Another US eventual cross from Pearce is deflected, goes to James.

England USA. Minutes 1-15

1' Ok, it only appeared to be really dark green, I now see it's dark blue. Phew.

2' Becks puts some pressure on and we eventually head back to the goalie
3' Foul on Gerrard. He decked Cherundolo pretty hard
4' Lot of long ball giveaways. No shots and hardly any offensive possession for either team. Off of a James punt, Defoe settles and passes to Rooney who is offsides by a step, otherwise he was clear.

5' This just in, Eddie Johnson still has yet to get off the plane from the World Cup 2006. He may still be in Germany somewhere? Wolff inexplicably clears it directly up the middle of the field. England can't control, could have been really bad.

7' Becks foul 30 meters out on the side. Free-kick never threatened and headed out.

10' Clark fouls Gerrard. Definitely a foul. Freekick 25 out. Becks to take. Uh oh. Ummmm they score. The referee was moving the wall back and so it doesn't count. Beckham again. Low and threatening. Howard does not move. It quite literally almost rolls in. Nice job there Howard.

12' The US throws it in from the sideline out. Goal kick. Eddie Johnson on the chase.

13' Offside Rooney from the deadball. Typical Rooney right now.

15' Ashley Cole pushing gets a good ball from Terry. Heavy touch eventually sees Howard - who ostensibly is alive.