(Live) From the Castle of King Kev!

I write to you live on a beautiful Sunday morning from the Arhancet Acres where Manchester United is hosting NewCastle. There have been so many "pleasant surprises" so far in the first 30 minutes that it deserves its own section.

Pleasant Surprises

11' - I'm eleven minutes late for the start and it's still nil-nil. That's kind of pleasant yes, but what really the surprise is that my parents, do not ask me how, switched from the FSC/Goltv/FSN sports package to the FSE/Goltv/TYC package. The acronym for FSE reveals itself readily once I discover that the programming title is "Futbol Ingles." Ah yes, Fox Sports Espanol and as usual, Spanish announcers can do no wrong. FSE, in so far as premiership matches, plays exactly the same schedule as FSC so I suppose the real question is, Why didn't I think of this?

13' - Paul Scholes is referred to as "El Colorado." I was going to elaborate but I think it should be obvious enough as to why that pleases me.

14' - Rooney's name is said with rolling R's (making it fairly cool and less thugish) and Nicky Butt is said - Knee-key Boot. It's been three minutes and I'm sold. I'm really beginning to regret missing the Liverpool-Sundyland game yesterday with these commentators.


22' - Ummmm? The Magpies just scored. This causes me to scream, "LONG LIVE KING KEV!!" My mother yells at me for startling her. One-nil in my dreams. Still pinching self.

24' - Hahahaha. I laugh because Jim and I spent a long time yesterday morning talking about how watching Arsenal is like watching a successful surgery. I'm on a hunch so I look up how Chelsea performed this morning and I'm immediately greeted with a primordial scream by Scolari. I close the screen and assume things um, went well. One to one, Man Utd.

Halftime - I spend the next twenty minutes moping - thinking about Arsenal reminds me that I still need to mow the lawn. My mood turns to elation because at halftime, a Subway commercial in Spanish translates hilariously into: "Philadelphia's only good contribution to humanity is the Philly cheese steak sandwich." I can't wait to use that later in a casual social setting. Man I hate Philadelphia.

<--- This is first image that comes up when I searched for "Magpie." I'm not making this up, the caption underneath it is, "Magpies are not very likable birds." Do a google image search and see for yourself.

Oh I almost forgot - After Darren Fletcher tied the game up, the camera crew cuts to Cristiano in the stands. He's wearing a backwards hat with the brim touching his neck (kinda like this but even more pronounced) and he's clapping exactly the same way I do when Arsenal wins a throw-in. Before the camera cuts away from him he stops, looks down and checks his cellphone. Oh Cristiano, I really do love you.

50' - Shot of the stands shows a small congregation of black and white striped jerseys jumping up and down and singing like crazy. Sigh. I try to think of another team in sports who's fans are as delusional as NewCastlers and the parents of a special olympian comes to mind. I'm probably going to hell.

61' - I'm furious. Martins misses a point-blank header. EFF!

72' - Vidic bounces a header off the crossbar and now he's hurt. Carrick left the pitch earlier limping as well. Check that - Vidic was just cramping from having jumped so high.

77' - Frazier Campbell, this fast young dude, absolutely brutalizes a defender with a sliding tackle from behind and gets a yellow card. Rooney is incredulous - it's the first yellow of the game.

82' - Camera cuts back to the congregation of NewCastle fans and they're quiet and pensive. Hmmm, little bit of the nerves there N'Castle?? Getting a leeeeee tle bit nervous are we?

I'm gonna type this now before it actually happens, but watching this game and hoping for Man U not to go ahead 2-1 feels alot like watching the horizon and hoping the sun doesn't rise. I could be wrong though.

85' - All eleven N'Castlers are in their own half. Begin the lock down sequence.

87' - Kevin Keegan can't stop scratching his head and fidgeting.

88' - Now I'm nervous.

89' - Rooney gets a yellow card for swearing at the ref. The wheels are coming off.

THREE MINUTES! What in the world! Nothing happened, there were no injuries. This is crazy.

92' - Martins stalls on a throw-in. Good job. Another throw-in. N'Castle seems to have forgotten how to do such a thing. I love it.

20 seconds.

MOTHER FUCKER. Foul right outside the top of the box. Oh my god if Man U scores I'm going to slam my laptop to the ground.

I'm outta here, you'll know if they score or not.

Alright I'm back. Rooney doesn't even put it on goal... terrible.

Cue PennyTalk commercial. I swear this actually happened. Priceless.

"It was never about the fans" - Arsene Wenger

Welcome to the Premier league West Brom. Everyone talks on Samsung, drinks Carlsberg, flies Emirates, and invests with AIG. It's really tough up here Brom. The Big Four win every game, get every call, and tag all the women first. Don't forget to say thank you if you get sloppy fifths. Most of all, don't forget that teams run up the score. Well, every team except for Arsenal.

One-nil to Arsenal left fans at soccer bars biting their fingernails and closing their tabs in the 80th minute. At the game, some fans were spotted heckling head coach Arsene Wenger as he left the pitch. Rumors are flying that coach Wenger scoffed and muttered something offensive under his breath.

A reporter brought up the alleged incident during the post game interview and Arsene was quoted as saying, "It was never about the fans. You'll never walk alone...or, that (gestures wildly) boy Ronaldo, that's all rubbish. I'm in the business of winning games, not having a good time," said Wenger. "If you want to go throw back a few pints at your local pub and sing and dance like an idiot then Arsenal is not for you. If , however, you like winning and thinking about life, future scheduling conflicts, or any other frustrating experiences in the every day grind, then I'm your man." Wenger concluded the interview with what he deemed a clever riddle.

"What does a triangle, a tripod, and Arsenal all have in common? (Immediately) They all have three points. Good-day gentlemen."

And We're Back...

Forgive us for not spending more time monitoring what some of my fellow football fans have dubbed "the silly season," but the sheer number (and lunacy) of transfer rumors made the job rather unappealing. But not to worry, because things count again, and TLoCA is back to record its opinions, musings, and analysis for everlasting internet posterity.

Today, thanks to ESPN2 and ESPN2 HD, one can watch Arsenal take on Steve McUmbrella's FC Twente side while monitoring Liverpool in their CL qualifier against Standard Liege. The latter ought to be a real cakewalk, especially now that 'Pool have one of the most dangerous strike partnerships in the world. Robbie Keane may not be the flashiest or most skilled forward, but as he demonstrated with Berbatov, he has a wonderful instinct for position and a good knack for knowing where the main man is at all times. Without disparaging Dirk Kuyt or Peter Crouch too much, I'll just say that it's a big upgrade and leave it at that. It'll be interesting to see what he can accomplish with el Nino. Oh, and it helps to have a healthy Stevie G as well. Can't forget about Captain Fantastic (I know how much Juan loves him).

As for the Gunners, it's clear that they should advance. But with no Cesc, Toure, Rosicky, Senderos, Diaby, or Nasri, it won't be quite as easy. Seeing Denilson and Aaron Ramsey (!) partnered up in central midfield doesn't exactly inspire the greatest confidence, but it will certainly be exciting to watch. The Arsenal attack (Ade, RVP) really should carve up this Dutch side, but I wouldn't be surprised to see a makeshift backline (Johan Djourou, you are the weakest link) leak a goal or two away from home.

So....

The Belgian Champions (AHAHAHA) 0 - 3 Hope Springs Eternal

Steve McFailure 1 - 2 Teenagers FC

Since we're back, it only makes sense to start this up again.

Another Brilliant Ad

From Nike, of course. To fully appreciate it, you need to know every Liverpudlian's favorite song at the moment (sing along here) and the history behind it. Genius.

NOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo!

This is a screen shot of my laptop this morning. What you can't see is that in the reflection my jaw is dropped and I'm holding a gun up to my head.

Worst. Day. Ever.

Euro2008 - The Best Soccer Tournament Ever?

It's not even over yet! Clearly something is up.

Let me begin this post by qualifying a few of my upcoming statements. I'm only 23 years old and even worse, my memory is pretty bad. Thus, for me, time in the futbol world begins in 1994 when the US hosted the World Cup. Also, anything short of Champions League, Euro, and the World Cup cannot really qualify as the magnitude of any other tournaments simply cannot compare. CL should probably be dropped from the considerations but I did some research on the CL history so I'm throwing it in there.


Through 26 games, there have been 65 goals - that's 2.5 a game. I've done this before, but that's about as high scoring as any other sport. 16 of these goals have come in the last 10 minutes of play. 14 of these 16 have been dramatic. My definition of, "dramatic" is a goal (in the last 10 minutes) that makes you sit up - I often watch while lounging - and watch the end intently or any that make you call your friends. (I know you're interested - the 2 that didn't make the cut are Cesc's late goal against Russia and Holland's third against Italy)

14 dramatic goals in 26 games! That makes 1 out of every 2 games absolutely worth the watch. And if you're Turkish (and still alive) you know that sometimes you are given more than one dramatic goal per game.

Here is my list of matches in the Euro2008 tourny so far that I would define as, "absolutely worth 2 hours."

• Netherlands 3, Italy 0 - On paper and on the highlights it deceives as a blow-out, but as I've written before, if you watched this game it wasn't over until the 80th minute when Holland went up by three. At 2 nil I was still perfectly ready to say Italy comes back to tie or win.

• Spain 4, Russia 1 - Whether you're a "grizzled" sports fan or my offense-loving mother, Spain-Russia covers all bases. The scoring was bountiful and Russia did not play a bad game. I don't know if I documented it, but I'm not surprised Russia advanced.

• Sweden 2, Greece 0 - The first half wasn't "great" per se, but Zlatan arrived at the business-casual party wearing a cream suit, turquoise gator shoes, and two girls with fake tits on each arm. The Greeks really came out of their shell too.

• Portugal 3, Czech 1 - I think it was around 20 minutes before Cristiano's goal that Jim and I conversed about how Ronaldo needs to put his "stamp" on a game in this tourny. Hmmm.

• Switzerland 1, Turkey 2 - If you're keeping track, 4 consecutive matches in 2 days have made this list... it was quite a Tuesday/Wednesday.

• Croatia 2, Germany 1 - I believe it was Adrian Healey who described this match as when Croatia put Germany to the sword. I like him.

• Netherlands 4, France 1 - "Well it's a dutch oven... and the French are toast." Again, Adrian Healey. Pending debate, this is the game of the group-stages right now, possibly tournament.
  

• Spain 2, Sweden 1 - Spain was actually looking like they might lose this game for awhile. I can actually vividly imagine my conversation with Jim about how Spain would not make it out of the group stages, choke, always does this, etc etc. That was of course, until David Villa quieted me down in the 90th minute.

• Turkey 3, Czech Republic 2 - You're beginning to realize right now, as you read this, that you are craving a turkey sandwich. Make it a double.
  

• France 0, Italy 2 - This felt alot like watching two gorgeous porn stars have sex until one of them dies... so much talent, such bad management... and fu$% Domenech, July 3rd can't come soon enough.
  

• Portugal 2, Germany 3 - damnt. Dear Ricardo, learn how to play goalie, sincerely, Juan (and the entire nation of Portugal).
  

• Turkey 1, Croatia 1 (pen 3-1) - Turkey needs to seriously stop doing this. Half their fan base must be dead or at least hospitalized by now. If this were Uruguay, I would definitely be dead.

I cited 12 games out of the 26 (33%) and had you avoided obvious snoozers (3rd round games where teams were playing scrubs) this percentage goes up. I've watched just about every WC game and CL game in the past three cycles and I don't think either hits the 1/3 mark for schedule altering matches.

Again, the tourney isn't even over yet...

Let's All Laugh at Domenech

In all seriousness, what did he expect? And yes, I am going to keep flogging this horse's corpse until I'm satisfied that the meat has been sufficiently tenderized, at which point I will eat it (much like the French).

Here, let's have some more fun with this:

FRANCE EURO 2008 BIZARRO-WORLD SQUAD

GK: Mickael Landreau
RB: Bacary Sagna
CB: Phillippe Mexes
CB: Nicolas Escude
LB: Gael Clichy
RM: Ludovic Giuly
CM: Mathieu Flamini
CM: Alou Diarra
LM: Robert Pires (or Hatem Ben Arfa)
FW: Djibril Cisse
FW: David Trezeguet

Sure, it's not the strongest international lineup ever made and it lacks some creativity in its central midfield, but does anyone want to tell me this team couldn't do better than draw 0-0 with Romania, get beat down by the Netherlands 4-1 and be handled with ease by fellow struggling heavyweight Italy 2-0? The point, as always, is that Domenech failed to select any ONE of the aforementioned players for his humiliatingly bad Euro squad. Of the players he did select, it turned out only Coupet, Ribery, and Henry (kind of) deserved their places. Everyone else crapped the bed in a major way.

As I examine the stars, I see Leo rising, Scorpio waning, Jupiter in the seventh house, and just a whole bunch of complete and utter nonsense which tells me that Raymond Domenech isn't fit to coach in my old Olivette soccer league. Thank goodness everyone else knows it now.