The stupidest, yet most important point in the last 6 years for Uruguay. And uh... other stuff

Oh how I hate Bolivia. I've learned alot about myself in the past 3 days. The first and most alarming lesson I've learned is that I hate a whole lot of countries in South America. This has partly to do with the fact that I'm a fairly hateful person, but also to do with the fact that Uruguay has been wronged by several countries.

My hatred for Bolivia is obvious and agreeable. Any country that has ever played in outer space will tell you that it's a truly insane version of home field advantage when your players can't breathe. I'm no scientist for the National Institute of Health or anything, but the necessary oxygen-carrying red blood cells to perform any sort of exercise at upwards of 9,000 feet require several days to grow. This process, oddly enough, has a term - climatizing. I agree that Bolivian fans have the right to watch their team in their home country, but Uruguay finished playing Argentina on Saturday night, and then played at Bolivia 70 hours later. And unless FIFA is gonna agree to the Lance Amstrong clause and give all opponents on short rest erythropoietin to accelerate the proliferation of red blood cells, we have a problem.

So if you're a bit intrigued as to why I'm so thrilled with one, stupid, lousy point (in the past 3 games mind you), now you know.

Then there's Argentina. Messi, Tevez, Aguero, Riquelme, Mascherano... Four of those five players might be the most aggravating, johnny hussle, love-them-until-they-play-against-you players I can think of. Rooney comes to mind - though I don't love him. Hmmm, Anderson with his sagging mouth may be another... I can't really think of that many worse than those four so I'll let our reader come up with some other players that may be applicable.

Anyway, Argentina played all four annoying super-lemmings along with the coolest, smoothest, does his heart rate ever beat over 90, legend in Juan Roman Riquelme. Do not forget that much like David Beckham, Riquelme was cast aside and driven to the retirement home against his will. He luckily put his ego aside and romped through the Argentina Primera kind of like how the Joker romped through Gotham. That is to say, bitter and with style. He was asked back and he's been stunning for them. I didn't notice the game he had against us (seriously I didn't), but he's been great. Long story short, Argentina is Duke to Uruguay's Maryland. I probably should have just opened with that. F$^# Duke.

Continuing with the ACC analogy makes Brasil, UNC. I kinda like where this is going because alot of people argue that Argentina-Brasil is a bigger rivalry. However, if you ask an Argentinian if they'd rather beat Uruguay or beat Brasil, a surprising number of them would choose their smaller, significantly less HIV infected neighbors. So yeah, Brasil is alot like UNC for Maryland. You generally hate them, enjoy their talent, but wouldn't think twice about running one over with your car, chopping up the body and feeding the casserole to Brasilian tranny's... if you know what I mean.

Let's see, Bolivia, Argentina, Brasil... who else... ah yes, Venezuela and Colombia - the punch-lines of every corruption and drug induced communist sodomy joke in South America. Ever since el Pibe retired, Colombia has been a disgrace. And Venezuela has never been good. If Paraguay weren't unanimously deemed the most homosexual country on the continent (South Americans are very homophobic. There's like, 20 words for gay, none of them happy) then they'd be alright. If you're keeping count, Uruguay is "cool" with Ecuador (lovable indians) and Peru (Machu Pichu is aight).

I think it's safe to say that world cup qualifying doesn't bring out the best in me. I'm all messed up really. After Carlos Bueno made it 2-1 on a Randy Moss-esque header, I signed online just to send my 17 year-old cousin the spanish equilavent subject of, "LET'S F&^ING DO THIS MOTHER F&^ER" I didn't send something tasteful like, "Si se puede!!" but rather an expletative laden tirade with no analysis, just emotion. Carlos Bueno does that to me. The last time he scored I signed online and nearly bought an $85 dollar replica of his jersey. I forget why I didn't... I should probably buy that.

Anyway, I have off til March, and that's probably good for me. But just know that the tension is building - and not in a good way.

*And in case you're interested, my cousin, who has since responded to my inappropriate email, says that she also thinks its a decent result "in that ridiculous altitude."
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On a more positive note, France drew against Romania. I don't know how much longer France has to struggle for Domenech to be fired, but at this point I'm playing with house money with Treze out. As far as I'm concerned, France can burn down like Chicago in 1871 and I won't flinch.

Across town, England beat Kazakhstan 5 to 1. The tension in Wembley for the first 30 minutes of that game was highly comical. The only thing more humorous is the carnival and fireworks scheduled after a less than inspiring victory over a hapless Potassium squad. I watched every minute of the match and the game only opened up after England caught some breaks. Don't get me wrong, there was never any doubt, except maybe after Kazak scored to bring it 2-1 and just missed a header to bring it level 5 minutes later, but hey, a win is a win. I suppose I'm just a little tired of hearing about fans boo'ing terrible plays. We get it soccernet, you need real writers.

Last but not least, the Concacaf. Well... yeah probably least. Anyhoo, the United States proved that Damarcus Beasley can really use some confidence against a highschool squad. Good for you Damarcus. It was nice to see Iguch get in on the "train" action as well as Altidore scor, er, not miss a sure goal.

The real news is that Jamaica beat Mexico (I watched both games at a mexican restaurant, love that Carlos Vela). Jamaica scored a Hull-wondergoal, but Mexico should have probably scored 10. I don't know what the standings are, or if this even matters for Mexico, but whatever, that's an upset. The reason this concerns me, the Concacaf, I know, is because the 5th place Conmebol team plays the 3rd place (or 4th) Concacaf team to qualify. If it's Mexico that'd REALLY piss me off and would turn me into a serial killer. The ball is in your half Uruguay.

Same Old Arsenal

The Champions League is back and this time around there were fewer surprises.

Group E

Manchester United 3, Aab 0

So before, when I said that ManU was gonna get relegated, I was wrong. Turns out Cristiano is the heartbeat that moves around all the stale blood at United. It's not such an obvious impact all the time. I mean, when he does this, that's fairly blunt, but when he doesn't appear on the scoresheet, he always makes me think. It's just the feeling you get when an important player is missing.
Stats don't always tell the full story - i.e. when Sagna went down last year there was this abrupt sense of vunerability about Arsenal's back line. And not just because it was a back-up defender - it was suddenly you had never heard of those guys and it showed. Fast forward to the start of this season when United came out flat and lacked menance. Coincidentely, they turned both those things around instantly when Ronaldo came onto the pitch (to cheers - never any doubt) in that first CL tie.
If he's on the pitch, United is United, when he's not, there any other name-drop team.

One more thing and I'm off the Manchester Wagon. Berbatov scored two goals and didn't celebrate either. The first one, granted, was a rec-league gift and the second one was kind of a snoozer as well but hey Dimitar, since when are you bigger than the game? Go ahead and celebrate next time or everyone is gonna think you dont care. I've already put you on mercenary watch.


Villareal 1, Celtic 0

A win is a win. Villa has 4 points and essentially puts Celtic on the ropes for their tie against United. Me likes because Celtic has been known make for interesting games against ManU. I'll be watching.

Oh, and Senna apparently scored a beauty free-kick but I can't find the highlights and for some inexplicable reason, at half-time, Espn only shows goals for 1 of the 7 other ongoing games. Thanks Espn coverage.


Arsenal 4, Porto 0

Here's the thing. Arsenal always plays like this. When chances become goals, Arsenal is "turning on the style," but when they don't, Arsenal's pass first, shoot never strategy fails again. Sorry, but they play pretty much the same at all times. True, the Gunners seemed to have more energy today but it's hard to claim otherwise when the embarrass the Portuguese champs. Don't get me wrong, I loved the game. We looked great, and there is again no doubt that when everything clicks, Arsenal football is the most beautiful kind. Still, it's just getting hard to stomach performances like this followed by losses to the likes of Hull City (who by the way is a legit squad - they look comfortable staying around the premiership for awhile)

Anyway, all I really wanted to note is that Adebayor's dancing scares me. In a good way, but wow, it leaves me speechless.

A Moment Of Silence

I wanted to rave. I got online with the sole purpose of gushing about Arsenal. Then my fears after learning the starting lineup on Sunday came to fruition.

David Trezeguet will miss the remainder of 2008 and is expected to to return in January.

It's true that Amauri has looked good. It's true that Iaquinta and Del Piero can step in. But nobody can lift up my spirits like David Trezegol.

Until January. Only then will I smile like you.

Tottenham Hotspur: The Anti-Arsenal

As an Arsenal supporter, the temptation to laugh at yet another hapless Spurs team has been almost impossible to suppress. But the point of this post is not really ridicule - it's to demonstrate the difference between a well-run club and one that's managed poorly. Spurs aren't the anti-Arsenal simply because the supporters of the two teams hate one another; it's because their style of management and personnel selection runs directly contrary to that of the Gunners. Not to mention the fact that those that join and leave each club seem to experience opposite effects.

At the beginning of this season, I was convinced that Tottenham had a legitimate shot at cracking the Top Four at the expense of Liverpool or Arsenal. I, like my esteemed colleague, was sure that Arsenal had missed its opportunity to strengthen the squad. Meanwhile, Spurs had made some major moves starting mid-season of the previous campaign. They brought in Juande Ramos, a fine manager with a record of success and a reputation for getting the best out of both his stars and his less-skilled players. Jonathan Woodgate, Luka Modric, Gio dos Santos, David Bentley, and Roman Pavyluchenko have followed. Though all have had some questions asked during their careers, these are (or ought to be) world class players. The same goes for some of the Spurs mainstays: Jenas (whom I despise), is nonetheless a fine player; Gareth Bale shows a lot of promise; and Ledley King, if he could ever stay healthy, would be one of England's top central defenders alongside Ferdinand and Terry.

Meanwhile, Arsenal in the past few years have bought almost no one of note aside from Samir Nasri, and even he was a bit of a gamble. The season before, they signed Eduardo and Bacary Sagna. Nobody really knew what to expect. Wenger began starting players who had formerly served as backups for global stars (Clichy for Ashley Cole; Adebayor for Henry) and told them to pick up where they left off. Lo and behold, it seemed to work. Why? We'll get to it in a moment.

Even before this, Wenger was bringing in unknown players like Patrick Vieira, Freddie Ljungberg, Robert Pires, Thierry Henry, Emmanuel Petit, Marc Overmars, Cesc Fabregas, Alexander Hleb, and Matthieu Flamini. All of these players became stars at Arsenal. Those who have left have continually run into "the Arsenal curse" and have rapidly lost fitness or generally failed to achieve the same level of personal or club success. I recognize it's far too early to say with Hleb and Flamini, but both their clubs are off to nightmare starts.

Tottenham's curse is precisely the opposite. When good players and managers come to Tottenham, they become bad. And when they leave again, they often rediscover their form. Defoe and Mido, two Spurs striking castoffs, are off to great starts with Portsmouth and Middlesbrough, respectively. Martin Jol has Hamburg off to a league-leading start in the Bundesliga (that won't last, but a Top 3 finish isn't out of the question). Again, why?

The answer lies in how each club approaches building a team. For Tottenham, each year without success brings an outcry from management and the fans to blow up the whole team and start again. And so Spurs sell off players that still have great potential and buy a new load of quality players. These players arrive over the summer and are expected to learn a brand new system and to play with brand new players immediately. Every year, Tottenham sputters out of the starting gate and picks up steam as the season goes on and players grow accustomed to each other. Hell, last year they even managed to string together enough positive results in the middle of the season to win something (the Carling Cup, but still). But in terms of the league and qualifying for the CL, it's always too little, too late. The board and the fans are unhappy again. Solid players are sold at a loss. The hot new stars on the scene are brought in. Failure begets failure.

At Arsenal, Wenger has been given freedom by the board to take the opposite approach. Change is gradual. A good illustration of this comes from his first season in charge. Wenger took over a back line of Dixon, Adams, Bould, Winterburn, and Keown. All of these players were 30+ and were used to a style of play far different from what is now associated with Arsenal. Yet Wenger retained them. And when he bought new players, it was usually one immediate impact player and then five or six for the future. He extended the careers of the veterans and maintained a true sense of team by gradually integrating the newcomers. He was the first to start using the Carling Cup as an opportunity to play youngsters alongside and against first team regulars. Though the pace of this adaptation has necessarily sped up in recent years, the principle remains the same.

Tottenham would do well to emulate this example. Ramos is a fine manager. With time, I believe he can identify the players that will constitute a "heart and soul" base of the squad and add to it. But this means no board hysteria when Tottenham rally to finish 6th this season. No calls for a shake-up, no pressing of the panic button. Listening to the fans is often a good thing, but when the voices of frustrated supporters are given too much consideration (e.g. Tottenham, Newcastle, West Ham), you end up with the inmates running the asylum. And the bottom line remains that you can't buy a league title. (Unless you're Chelsea, and then you get two for your money. But that's a whole other story.)

[Note: I originally drafted this a couple days ago. Since then, Wenger and Ferguson have come out and discussed this issue. Love the picture in that article. And Ramos himself came out and begged for patience. Though I personally don't mind seeing Tottenham embarrass themselves every year, I think Spurs fans would do well to listen.]

Day 1, Leg 1, this is the diary of the Champions League

It has been rumored that the Champions League this year is robust with talented and legit teams.

The rumors are true:

Group A
Chelsea 4, Bordeaux 0

Bordeaux may have been the most uninspired team of the first round. I didn't expect much of them going into the Fortress but there was a moment in the game when Bords missed a sitter down 2-nil and I got to thinking how nice it would have been for them to leave England with an away goal. The game never really materialized for them and Chelsea looked like they were having fun. Lampard barely celebrated his wide open header and Joe Cole smiled annoyingly after his flick-on goal from no angle off a corner. Gosh, writing that makes me irritated. Anyway, then Eaux collapsed and the two kings of garbage time smashes, namely, Florent Malouda and Le Suck, scored easily just in case there was a 2nd leg to played. Turns out there isn't. Way to go Bordeaux.


Roma 1, CFR Cluj-Napoca 2

Highlights will self-destruct soon.
I'm going to try and go the remainder of the group stages without a horrendously cheesy joke about CFR Cluj-Napoca's choice of squad name. Honestly I hope to last this paragraph. Anyway, CFR absolutely diagnosed* Roma. Rome hasn't been sacked like this since 1527. I kinda with CFR was a French team because that historical reference would be a little more savvy. Regardless, Juan Culio crushed any lingering thoughts that Roma might escape from their early season slump with two brilliant strikes. Roma has looked so awful the last 3 games it's beginning to pass "slump" stages and enter into "diarrhea" mode - currently what the Cardinals are in just in case you were wondering. CFR should have won this game 3-1 and maybe even 4-1. It wasn't close.

Napoca better not blow this - something difficult to do at home - but I've seen Totti steal games more guarded than this.

*diagnosed - the new term I'm trying to get to stick. As in, I went to the cancer clinic and got straight diagnosed, it was terrible.

Group B

Panathinaikos 0, Inter Mourinho 2

When Ibrahimovic is on, he's on. If you haven't seen the highlight yet, look up Inter's first goal. Something possesses Zlatan and he dogs a play for 40 meters until finally he wins possession and gifts Mancini a relatively easy goal. Other than that, the Greeks couldn't seem to crack Inter's armor in a somewhat sloppy game that saw the likes of Adriano seal a win. I'm intrigued with Adriano by the way. He was apparently torching dudes during his rehab/comeback stint over in Sao Paulo and I wonder if he can keep it up. Mourinho, who I've started to really dislike since he dissed Arsenal, is just the type of coach that may inspire Adriano to play for a better contract.


Werder 0, Anorthosis 0

Booooooooooooooooo.


Group C

FC Basel 1, Shaktar Donetsk 2

Saint Jakob park still hasn't recovered from England's chirades as FC Basel fell at home. I don't know much about these teams but I must say its worth the highlights because the goals in this game were absolutely phenomenal.


Barcelona 3, Sporting Lisbon 1

I still don't think Barca has recovered from whatever it is that ails them. For me, the only reason that is disappointing is because a player like Messi should never have to deal with a struggling team. If somehow Barcelona doesn't qualify for The League next year by shatting La Liga, the soccer soul in me will die a little. Kinda like how it dies a little whenever he tears his hamstring, or how Kaka will not be splitting dudes as they collide. Sigh.


Group D

PSV Eindhoven 0, Athletic Madrid 3

Sergio Kun Aguero. Wow. He played powerful, fulfilling futbol today. His hair is flowing and so are his short strides. Madrid looked good in their Unis and looked like they belonged in the Champions League. This is a team I want matching up with everyone. I look forward to more of their matches.


Marseille 1, Steven Gerrard 2

Must see highlights... that will self-destruct of course.
(Shaking head) (roll eyes) (deep breath) Alright, Stevey G is really good. He made nothing into something absolutely brilliant and the announcers are right - only Steven Gerrard. Marseille gets my award for "friskiest team so far" and that makes Group D all that much more interesting. I'm predicting the Madrid-Marseille tie to be something like Fenerbahce-Anyone last year. Anyhoo, this match was easily the game of The League so far and it pains me to say it but Liverpool looks scary. I always thought Babel was good and it appears he's seeing more playing time which is bad news for everyone else. So long as Torres is healthy and Captain Fantastic is too then I believe Pool is worrisome.

On a side-note: I'm beginning to understand why Gerrard and Lampard were the twin saviours for the English squad going into 2006 (more like the twin towers... zing!!). I still don't think it's justified and here's why. Stevey G and Lampard are so over-exposed in the EPL that if they experience a normal amount of success, which is what I think they've experienced (Torres being the most amount of success and hmmm, lets go with Shevchenko as being the least), then due to their over exposure, fans are going to think they are sweet. But as it turns out, they play like, 50 games a year and yes, they do absolutely shine in some of them. But the World Cup is a 3 game set, and if you're fortunate, more than that, and it turns out Gerrard and Lampard were slumping - sorry.

Ah but I digress. Enjoy tomorrow - I know I will.

It's Our 100th Post!

And the Champions League is back! As if anyone needed reminding.

Chelsea and Inter should romp to victory. Nobody knows what to expect from Roma. And Barcelona-Sporting, PSV-Atletico, and Marseilles-Liverpool should be good matches. Stay tuned for more...

Looney Toons

Read this story from the BBC.

Before I get into the story I first wanted to comment on the writing and general professionalism over at ESPNsoccernet. I've been noticing for quite some time now that the pictures Soccernet puts up on its front page to break a story are often times ridiculous. A few weeks ago when Tevez signed his big deal for United, they posted a picture of him celebrating after a goal looking absolutely crazy. You're going to have to trust me when I say that it was much, much less flattering than this one. Now I understand he's not the most photogenic footballer on the planet, but this is not the first time they've posted a purposely unflattering picture. Since I'm lazy and didn't take screen shots all the times I noticed an exceptionally ridiculous photo, I can only mention that you look out for it in the future.

I have also started to note more and more that the writing at soccernet is horribly underwhelming. Much like Wayne Rooney, I can't remember the last time a story has impressed me. The irony is ripe within this criticism as of course you, our reader, begins to think, "well I can't remember the last time you impressed me either!" Seriously though, when's the last time you read something like, "As I examine the stars, I see Leo rising, Scorpio waning, Jupiter in the seventh house, and just a whole bunch of complete and utter nonsense which tells me that Raymond Domenech isn't fit to coach in my old Olivette soccer league," on Espn? Your answer is very likely to be, never.

Similarly, I don't understand any of the humor they insert when I detect traces of it in their stories. And don't tell me that I don't understand English humor - I've always maintained that the UK version of the Office is better than our version of it. It's just that when they try to be funny, they're not, very reminiscent of Carlos Mencia. And hopefully I'm not in the minority here because it's something I've noticed since Jimbo and I started this blog. (I knew Mencia wasn't funny the first time I heard him).

I think this story typifies what I'm trying to say - and for the record, I found this story after I decided to write this. The picture is funny for a second, but then when you realize you wasted your time reading the story, the joke is suddenly on you.

Anyway, back to the story at hand. Jim touched on this subject in a previous post but clearly poop has hit the fan. Or rather, poop has hit the fans (get it!)...

Delirious fans aggravate the hell out of me. It's one of the many reasons I hate Boston sports, hated on Liverpool fans last year, and have current beef with Castlers. What's beef you may ask? Beef is when you have a billionaire owner willing to shake things up, and the fans want more. Beef is when Mike Ashley learned the hard lesson not to mix business and pleasure - cough, Arthur Blank, John Edwards, cough. But in this modern business tragedy, there was actually a catharsis, rather than Chapter 11.

Mike Ashley put the team up for sale and fired right back at the delirious unknowing fans of sodom and gamorrah. (I'm thoroughly convinced of this analogy by the way, make it work and its funny... mostly the sodomy part).

So what Juan? You ranted for several long paragraphs, distracting me from my ever important work, and for what?
Well I wanted you to remember that this type of thing does not happen. A, "phyuck you guys" of this magnitude has never happened. This type of thing is something a fantasy football commissioner would do, not a billionaire owner. The fans thought they knew better. They couldn't understand why NewCastle wasn't part of the big four. They wanted King Kev, who might very well be a good coach on the field, but a terrible manager off of it. They pretended to know what happens behind closed doors and Mike Ashley finally had enough and let this small, beautiful emotion do the talking - vindication.

Oh NewCastle nation, you know not what you do. And hey, I might be wrong, I might be way over the top here - English soccer is a relatively new thing to me. But maybe that's what lets me see clearly. And something I've learned is that nobody is guaranteed relevance. Ask Leeds United, ask major league baseball in the mid 90s, ask Jeremy Roenick.

So go yee Castle fans, mobilise and fix all your problems. Revitalize Michael Owen to late 1990s form. Rehabilitate that disrespectful thug Joey Barton with all your cheers and praise. See if Mike Ashley cares.