Since I Did It Yesterday

I might as well do it again. But I don't want really want to...














OK, Porto vs. Arsenal. [Highlight links to follow]

Porto 1 - 0 Arsenal. What. The. Hell. I honestly don't know what to do about our goalkeeping situation. Cesc said it all: "schoolboy goals." If I had my way, Fabianski would never, ever play for Arsenal again. I'm sorry, but he's simply not good enough to be the #2 for this team, let alone #3. Or #4. Or the personal shopper for Nicklas Bendtner. As I was watching the goals he conceded today, I felt like Buster at the 5:30 mark of this episode. (Lots of effort, I know, but it's worth it.) Last season, he singlehandedly knocked us out of the running for a trophy. Does anyone remember this? My God. I just hope he hasn't done it again, but to be fair, if we can't beat Porto at home, we don't deserve to advance. So that's that.

Porto 1 - 1 Arsenal. Perfectly executed. Porto's defending wasn't great, so that helps, but there's not a lot you can do when a corner is worked as well as that. Back post to Rosicky, straight to Campbell, and hey presto, welcome back Sol!

Porto 2 - 1 Arsenal. See commentary for first goal. Although for this one, a few small shares of blame parceled out to referee Martin Hansson (seriously, dude?), and Sol for not just kicking the ball away and taking a yellow or doing that annoying thing where you stand in front of the ball. Come on guys.

All in all, a pretty awful game to watch. Porto played good attacking football, and Arsenal matched them for it in the first half. I honestly thought we'd take it to them and win in the second. But oh well. Also, they were kicking the hell out of Cesc. And though I can't really blame them for taking that approach, I can certainly hate them for it. Which I do.












Bayern Munich vs. Fiorentina.

Bayern 1 - 0 Fiorentina. Weirdness. Uh, advantage? Bayern were rightfully furious. If that penalty were saved, the ensuing drama would have been priceless. Either way, really nice buildup; Robben is fantastic at the moment.

Bayern 1 - 1 Fiorentina. Shambolic.

Bayern 2 - 1 Fiorentina. Yeah... so, was there some sort of bet you could place on both CL games finishing with this scoreline and both awful referees being awful?* Because if there were, the fix was totally in. The red card that came in the period before this goal I can kind of comprehend. The elbow was high and it looked like it was deliberately aimed at Robben's throat. On replay, it's a yellow, though. As for the goal itself... that is the most offside goal I have ever seen allowed. That's all I have to say about that.

* Can someone please explain to me how Martin Hansson and Tom Henning Øvrebø (you like that?) still have their jobs? Hansson missed the most obvious and controversial handball since Maradona. Øvrebø absolutely jobbed Chelsea out of a deserved spot in the CL final last year (don't get me wrong, I'm still laughing uproariously about that and I agree with this man that no es Andres Iniesta, es el Dios de la justicia del fútbol, but still, Chelsea got absolutely, completely, totally robbed - Didier was right). Well, at least having those two around keeps things interesting. And totally insane.

Tuesday Wrap-Up

Just a few quick thoughts about today's CL games/goals that couldn't be fit in a comment.

In the United - Milan game:

1. Milan 1 - 0 Man U. Welcome back to relevance, Ronaldinho. It's nice to see him quietly on the up and up this season. And though his goal was a bit fortunate, a shade of that fantastic technique shows through - hitting that and putting it on target is, uh, pretty hard.

2. Milan 1 - 1 Man U. Paul Scholes scores goals. Sometimes they're amazing. And sometimes they're amazing-ly lucky/fluky/ridiculous. This one is mesmerizing, but not because of anything he does intentionally. Although if someone did that on purpose, swinging a leg and whiffing and letting the ball deflect off the standing leg, it would be unbelievable. It reminded me of this.

3. Milan 1 - 2 Man U. Rooney just wants to score more than any defender in the world wants to stop him. This is just sheer athleticism, positional awareness, desire, and technique. Great goal.

4. Milan 1 - 3 Man U. So, if trying to push Rooney wide to the far post resulted in a goal, maybe the Milan players decided to just let him have two free headers (one to win the ball, one to score) in the belief that it wasn't worth their time. Or maybe they were too busy thinking about the delicious pasta or risotto dinners waiting for them, prepared and served by fine-featured brunettes with soft hands and large, brown eyes. Either way, it's called suicidal defending.

5. Milan 2 - 3 Man U. Wonderful goal. Excellent buildup, perfect pass, the finish it deserved (let's see how many cliches I can work into one sentence). Unlike Scholes, Seedorf knew exactly what he was doing. He confuses me, though. I know he's a legend, and when he does stuff like that, I get it, but often I don't know what he's still doing out there. Whatever.

Honestly, Milan could have scored about a million goals in this game. I felt like I was watching an older, Italian version of Arsenal. Sigh.

In Lyon vs. Madrid:

Lyon 1 - 0 Madrid. HAHAHA. Well-deserved, says I. It takes something special to beat Iker from that range, and that was dripping with delicious special sauce as it swerved from left to right. Also, Govou and Lisandro have oodles of swag, which I like, but how many Row Z screamers did they smack before Makoun scored? Tee him up next time, eh boys?

Some takeaway questions:

On current form, is Wayne Rooney the best player in the world? If not, then who? Discuss.

Is there a coach with better hair than Leonardo? When Milan play against Inter or Barca, which team do the 30+ female viewers decide to secretly support when it's him versus Jose or Pep?

What are the odds on Madrid going out? And if they do, how much do they intensify their summer bid for Cesc? I know he "bleeds Barcelona" and all that, but honestly, if anyone needs a creative general with redonkalous field vision, it's los Galactifails, not Barca. So, how much do they spend to get him? And who goes the other way? Alright, that's plenty for now.

The State of the Union

With the Champions League finally back this week it's time to look at the state of the English Premier League. So, as per the table:

Chelsea - 58 pts
I was hoping to title this post, John Terry Wants To Have Your Abortion, with this fabulous picture to match. My favorite headline is far and away, "Chelsea captain Terry delighted with another clean sheet." You see Mr. Terry doesn't fancy protection and well... you get it right?

Anyway, can Terry and his boys go the distance is the question United and Arsenal wait to find out. And only United have any more say in the matter head-to-head on April 3rd. Chelsea's upcoming games are:
win, City, win, win, win, Aston Villa, at United, win, at Tottenham, win, at Liverpool, win.

Everton, in their incredible form as of late, beat Chelsea last week and kept the Prem interesting. But perhaps there are more points to be miscarried with at least five more non-guaranteed games coming up. The climax of this season could get a bit sticky for Mr. Terry and recent deadline transfers James Westfall and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

Manchester United - 57 points
United have been my surprise of the season so far. I wagered a cheap jersey of choice that Rooney wouldn't score 15 goals this season in the EPL. He has 21 with fourteen games to go. My only way out of this wager is if United doesn't finish in the top two as I required that his success must also lead to United success. So, needless to say I didn't see this coming at all.

Rooney has carried this squad for every league game thus far and his absurd form has England fans in rapture when they think about the World Cup. He grabbed his ankle a few games back and the announcer half-joked that all of England was holding their breath. A few moments passed and he chuckled nervously as even he realized he might be right. I have yet to see a striker in the past 5 years look so confident and so comfortable in front of goal as Rooney in domestic play. We're in Ruud and Raul territory here. This hurts me. Moving on.

Valencia and more so, Nani, seem to be coming around and with Ferguson's genius coupled with Carrick's anti-football United are still in it. Their upcoming games are:
at Everton, win, win, win, Liverpool, win, Chelsea, win, at City, Tottenham, win, win.

In earnest I don't expect Everton to help out anymore than they already have, but at City could be interesting. In reality this unstoppable red and indebted train has only Chelsea in their path. As much as I want to talk myself into Pool and City and Tottenham posing a threat, I just can't do it.

Arsenal - 52 pts
TLOCA has turned their attention to the Champions League as the last trophy we have a good chance at hoisting. I refuse to get suckered into the EPL again. Not gonna do it. Well... I guess we can look at their remaining games:
win, win, win, win, win, win, win, at Tottenham, win, City, win, win.

Oh no. It's happening. I can't believe it, but yes, if we get 32 points out of our remaining 14 games the EPL is ours. We're still alive. We are. Seriously, we are.

Liverpool - 44 pts
I am confident they will remain in the Top 4. If vegas would give me better than 11/10 that they will I'd throw something on it, but even money is not worth shite. Upcoming:
at City (!!), blah, blah, blah, at United, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Chelsea, blah.

Liverpool have a real opportunity here to propel Arsenal to the top in their quest to remain in the top 4. So again, I'm confident (looking at you gimpy Torres) that Liverppol will remain in the top 4.

Manchester City - 44 points - Two (!) games in hand.
Greedy-bayooooooooooooorrr, Greedy-bayooooooOOOOOR. His dad has a lowly profession and his mum is a whore.

I have no issues calling someone's mother a whore. My issue is with the racial undertones of chanting that his father washes elephants. Juventus got absolutely skewered when they sang "There's never been a black Italian" (or directly translated to, there's never been an italian born black) and English teams should get some negative press for singing the Adebayor song too. Show me the video of Ade running 100 yards to celebrate his mediocre goal and I'm liable to change my mind and throw something sharp, but for now I don't like the chant.

Here's the reason why I don't think City can hold on:
blah , Liverpool, Chelsea, Tottenham, -, -, -, -, -, United, Arsenal, Villa, -

That's brutal. And that's the thing about the top four - you have to beat them to get there. It sounds stupid to say, but Arsenal don't have to play Arsenal two times a year. And obviously what I mean is that Arsenal have 6 games against top 4 opponents, City have 8. And if you're City you haven't earned the respect to have McCarthy send out 11 training ground players and concede three points. Teams believe they can beat you, and thus try harder. Belonging in the Top 4 is like being a New York Times Bestseller. Did you earn it, or is the fact that you're labeled one make it easier to be one. .... Yeah. Anyway, that made sense when I started the sentence.
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Porto on Wednesday and frankly I love, but am not in love with, a 4-nil thrashing that allows my new lust Carlos Vela some playing time in the second leg. Come on Carlitos!

Liverpool Despair at the Britannia

Three days ago it couldn't have gotten any worse for Liverpool. Torres tears his knee and Gerrard re-aggravates his hamstring. Benayoun gets injured as well just to complete a long awaited exhale out of the FA Cup - their last chance at silverware mind you. It's January.

Currently, their official goal is 4th place in the Premiership and some might say (hint: me) that's been their goal for 4 weeks now. I was there last year with Arsenal, I know a 4th place team when I see it. Enter Stoke City. It's the 8am start so I can't say with 100% certainty, but Liverpool come out frantic... in a good way. That is to say they sprint hard after every ball, challenge every header and have a certain amount of positive flail about them. Rafa and his squad are leaving no doubt that they want this game. There's just one problem, they're not any good.

To be sure, a Liverpool side with a healthy Torres and Gerrard are capable of beating any team any time. But this particular Liverpool side, with Ngog and Kuyt up top followed by Degen, Aurelio, Mascherano and Lucas in the midfield are simply awful. Aquilani and Maxi-gol may be the answer they are looking for, but not yet, and not today.

The first half ends with only one incident of note, and that's a half-dive by Lucas in the box. He sees yellow for his troubles. That insufferable drunk Tommy Smythe says that it's clearly a penalty and Adrian Healey ignores him. It wasn't a penalty, not even close, but I mention it because it's the moment when Liverpool calm down. They realize their energy needs to manifest itself in a controlled way if they're to take three points because the game hitherto screams nil-nil.

Liverpool get their goal, it's the 55th minute, and the camera immediately shows Rafa Benitez gesticulating what I interpret to mean, "tighten up back there guys." I'm not going to call it a mistake because it's his only option. When your only chance on goal is one where Kyrgiakos makes William Gallas look like David Trezeguet, packing it in for 30 minutes to hold onto a 1-goal lead is the correct/only choice. If you didn't understand the previous sentence, don't be alarmed, Flesh Kincaid rated it at a 15.37 grade level.

The only flaw in Rafa's plan is that Liverpool aren't accustomed to absorbing pressure when 3 points are on the line. Arsenal can't do this either and again, I know a shaky back-line when I see it. So Huth scores in the 90th minute, it's now 1-1, and before the replays have finished my laptop is started up and I'm looking up the definition of a Greek Tragedy for a good quote.

"[Greek] tragedy is a form of art based on human suffering that paradoxically offers its audience pleasure."

I finish reading the quote and just then, Insua whips in a lovely cross and Dirk Kuyt's diving header bounces off the turf, off the side-bar and away from any further harm.

"Yep," I think, smiling as the whistle blows.

Myeoma, myeoma and Weekend Preview

Touch, touch, touch, and touch. If Uruguay does well at the World Cup there is a good chance I'll play this song on repeat and dance for 36 hours straight. Normally Jim Stanley does the Weekend Preview but I've decided to give it a crack.

(all times Eastern)

Saturday

7:45 am - Stoke City vs. Wigan Athletic
Before you immediately X the screen and get annoyed that you've doubly wasted your time reading this blog, just remember that this game is on Espn. So out of principle, since we all want Espn to buy more Premier League games, you should tune in. Not to mention that getting up to watch soccer is the most pleasant of alarm clocks. You can snooze a little during half-time or have breakfast. Soccer this early in the morning is a good thing, even if it is only between two squads that are frisky at best.

10:00 am - Bolton vs. Manchester City
The Citeh is on a tear as of late and this match is on Fox Soccer Channel. In case our reader didn't know, Veetle.com is a nice place to watch any games currently showing on FSC or GolTV if you don't get those channels at home. And so far as I know I haven't downloaded any viruses or had my identity stolen yet. Manchester City is a permanent fixture on my watch-list this year if they don't conflict with the other TLOCA teams because they are one of two teams in my opinion that can break up the big four (pictured*). The other team was Hull City at the beginning of the season but now is more reasonably Tottenham if only for their propensity to explode offensively.

12:30 pm - Manchester United vs. Aston Villa FSC (note the 30 minute lunch break)
As much as I want to hype this contest to be a close one I can't bring myself to do it. United will be playing at Old Trafford having won its last 5 meaningful games and Aston Villa, who choke harder than Latrelle Sprewell, have tied or lost 7 of their last 10 games. Only one of those came against the big four, Chelsea. This one will end 3 nil and by the 80th minute you'll realize suddenly it's been an extremely one-sided contest and a typical United win. BOOOO. Whatever, its still the U, and therefore you must watch.

2:30 pm - Bari vs. Juventus FSC
No, the bitterness hasn't subsided yet. This year the inevitable Juventus crash out of the Champions League was a bit more sour than usual simply because this year's team was a better team than last year, and much more suited for the CL. All of this in spite of the fact that it was clear they didnt' have it, whatever it is that makes a team's impending failures tremendously obvious. Think Hleb and Flamini leaving with no reasonable replacements at Arsenal. So, in summary, David Trezeguet should be starting and that's why you should watch.

Sunday

9:00 am - Atalanta vs. Inter
This is a highly comical match-up we, as followers, are privy to twice a year because Atalanta and Inter have the exact same uniforms. Thus, if you're hung over just enough you might go the whole first half wondering when Inter signed Robert Acquafresca and why he's starting over Samuel Eto'o. To be frank, the only reason I watch Inter nowadays is because I hate Jose Mourinho and I want to understand why Inter, with their mostly uninspiring squad achieves any success at all. I don't get it and it's almost as if every time I watch them play I get further and further from the answer.

11:00 am - Liverpool vs. Arsenal FSC
If you had forgotten, Arshavin scored four goals against this team in what was the most disappointing yet insignificant draw in Arsenal history. I expect a win and even though Torres will be back and will surely score a hat-trick, we should still win 5-3. This game is unfortunately somewhat irrelevant since the season will be decided for Arsenal come January 27th, when they play, in order, Aston Villa, Manchester United, Chelsea and Liverpool. I am not looking forward to that.

Enjoy the weekend.




*From left to right; David Lloyd (Britain), Vittorio Orlando (Italy), George Clemenceau (France) and Woody Wilson (USA). The beauty of this photo, also coined, "The Big Four," is that Arsenal is clearly Clemenceau, Man Utd Woodrow, Chelsea Lloyd, though those two can be interchanged, and Vittorio, Liverpool, is trying to stay relevant even then. I think we know how this story ends. I feel like I've written this before...

The Pots Are In!

Before this blog turns into all things Chelsea, it's time to move on to much, much bigger things.

Pot A
Argentina, Brasil, England, Germany, Italy, Netherlands, South Africa, Spain

Pot B
Australia, Japan, North Korea, South Korea, Honduras, Mexico, United States, New Zealand

Pot C
Algeria, Cameroon, Ivory Coast, Ghana, Nigeria, Chile, Paraguay, Uruguay

Pot D
Denmark, France, Greece, Portugal, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Switzerland

I'm almost never correct in my predictions so it's quite necessary I point out when I am;
"- France has no business being in the "top-seeded" pot. And if Platini doesn't want more controversy on his hands, he'll make sure they're not.
- Holland deserves to be in Pot 1"
That quote was in this post and directly above my prediction that Arsenal would win 3-1 against Chelsea. Yay!

The Forces of Evil Triumph Again

And emphatically, might I add. My brother, a Chelsea supporter, accused me over Thanksgiving of irrationally hating on Chelsea with the joint post that Juan and I put up a few days ago. Well, that's absolutely true - I hate Chelsea. But as I tried to explain, it's not the kind of hate that could be described as disdain or loathing. It's the kind of hate that the Arab states had (and mostly still have) for Israel. The kind you had in second grade for the playground bully. I'm talking about the good old fashioned kind of hate: the kind born of fear.

Today, everyone saw exactly why I feel this way. Chelsea put on an absolute clinic in how to deal with Arsenal. Soak up the pressure. Be patient. Don't try to win the possession battle, because you can't. But make sure that almost everyone is behind the ball, especially when it gets anywhere near the box. Pump balls forward. And whenever possible, whip a low cross into the six yard box and trust that William Gallas will mismanage it 1 out of 5 times. Oh, and have Didier Drogba. That strategy helps a lot.

Chelsea supporters should be really excited about this team. It's true that the ACN will deprive them of some key players, including the aforementioned Drogba, but their schedule during that period isn't overwhelming. They have yet to really suffer the key injuries which have afflicted all three of the other "Big Four" clubs. They're incredibly well organized and they have explosive talent that can win games at any moment. Again, the football isn't the prettiest, but it's incredibly effective. And it's hard to argue about the aesthetics of Drogba's second, which was a beautiful, perfectly placed free-kick, reminiscent of Cristiano or Thierry in his prime. The announcer summed it up perfectly after the opener, though. "Same old story: Arsenal play the football, Chelsea have the goal." And so it goes.