And That Mercedes Wagon, With The Kit, That's Kitted Out

Diego Forlan has it on dubs
In a press release, Atletico Madrid revealed security concerns with Diego Forlan's new warm-up before games. Doug plans to warm up wearing shoes made of gold and juggling a ball also made entirely of gold. "It might take some time to get used to, but with the full kit I couldn't pass it up," Diego smiled, revealing his mouth full of gold.

Order is restored

All is right in the world. That was the response Jim gave when he found out that Forlan had earned the Balon de Oro as the World Cup's best player. At the half-time of the Germany Uruguay game we discussed the possible candidates. The shortened version was that as it stands, Forlan deserved it but certainly wouldn't win it. The short list for Fifa included names like Messi, and Iniesta. Two great players who had done nothing compared to Villa, Muller and Forlan.

Then the second half began. And Diego did this. The debate was over. Or at least that's what I screamed to whoever would listen. In the back of my mind, I still had a terrible feeling. But Fifa got it right and maybe, just maybe, it was as obvious a decision as I thought. It may not be a perfect ending, but everything was right.

I had my doubts about Forlan, I can't deny it. When Uruguay struggled during qualifying - oh I haven't forgotten - I blamed Diego. It wasn't exactly misplaced either. All those well weighted passes in the World Cup were turnovers against Bolivia. All those majestic, artistic strikes in the World Cup that embarrassed goal-keepers, sailed high and wide against Chile. Ironically, Atletico's deep run in the Europa Cup helped Diego. This flew in the face of all the English talking heads who blamed long domestic campaigns for the failures of English "stars".

Oh see what had happened was

As it turns out, Diego Forlan had 3 goals in his last 5 club games, two of which were in the Europa 'ship. Wayne Rooney had zero goals in his last 5 games. Notoriously a slow starter, Diego peaked at the perfect time. Simply notorious, Wayne did not. But this is neither here nor there. Irregardless of their respective vintages, Diego Forlan, a Man-Utd burn-out is now also one of the best players in World Cup history.I realized something the day after Luis Suarez received an honorary degree in Physics from South Korea University. The anxiety, the suffering, the complaining, that was all an extension of not my greatest fears - missing the World Cup - but rather my biggest regrets - the lack of memories. 2002 left me with nothing. 2006 even worse. I was at the height of my soccer obsession with no lasting images of Uruguayan soccer.

Ha. How things change huh. From Diego's bomb on South Africa all the way to Diego's mind-altering volley on Germany - with a whole lot of Luis Suarez in between - 2010 was full of memories. And that is what is most important.

2014 can't come soon enough.

Soy Celeste

The dream has ended and this morning I woke up to 100 degree heat. Just like that, politics, religion, the economy, borders, history, trade, oil, water, gas, mineral rights, human rights and animal rights all matter again. It probably didn't help that instead of watching the post-game highlights I stared for an hour at the live feed of oil gushing into the gulf and listened to Rascal Flats' What Hurts the Most on loop.
What Hurts the Most
The only regret that will stay with me after The One Month is that I started doubting this team. My swagger frayed and I leaned on horrible thoughts like, "we had a good run" and "nobody expected us to be here" to console me even before the game begun. Over the weekend I worried to my father that Forlan can't do it all himself. I said that we'd miss Fucile. Not only did he not share my sentiment but he didn't understand what I meant. It took me until ten minutes into the first half to start believing we could win and if there is one thing I could get back it'd be those ten minutes.

Uruguay Belong
The haters out there who walk around slightly depressed and flinch whenever they first breathe fresh air looked at Uruguay in the semi-finals and feigned outrage. They started by predicting Uruguay wouldn't advance out of the group, then they said Uruguay wouldn't win the group. These are the people that stuttered when Diego Forlan banged home the equalizer yesterday and looked confused when Uruguay bossed fifteen-minute chunks of the game. They are also likely the people I screamed at unknowingly when Jim put me on speaker-phone to some self-proclaimed dutch fans after Doug Fresh added more supplements to his patent on Truth Serum.

Uruguay played really well. They did the whole tournament and they certainly paid homage to Nate Silver's pre-WC ranking of 9th as opposed to Fifa's 22nd. It was the largest discrepancy between Fifa ranking and SPI's ranking of any team I might add. But that's the point. Hardly anybody thought we belonged - those people are stupid.

Dutch Delight... More Like Dutch Disgrace
A Dutch housewife decides to clean up the house a bit while watching the game. While vacuuming she accidentally backs into the TV and Arjen Robben falls down.

They are the best team that has never won it. It can stay that way. I can't believe I'm going to castigate simulation but Robben has forced my hand. From my informal statistics, not only did Uruguay never intentionally foul him (even Perez's harsh yellow was a 50/50 ball), but the dives to fouls was approaching 10 to 1 in the second half. I counted three consecutive flops, none of them called (thankfully). It was embarrassing. When I'm at boring dinner parties and people air their grievances about soccer, one of the (tired) complaints is that the players writhe around in pain too much and every time they are touched they freak out. I will still defend the sport heartily, but if someone brings up Arjen Robben I'm pretty screwed. I have a much easier time defending Cristiano now.

Van Bommel is a donkey. It's amazing he doesn't play in England where he can run around kicking achilles, grazing on pasture, and cleating shins. He is a disgrace and Mark Van Bommel is the reason I want the Netherlands to lose on Sunday.

What We Learned About Uruguay
In no particular order:

- The recent heat wave along the east coast is actually a result of Diego Forlan having mistakenly made a phone call to a wrong number in Baltimore. But more seriously the man has written his name in Uruguayan soccer history with permanent marker. I've had my doubts during qualifying, but there can be no more doubts. He is the soul of this team and he has certainly written the future as Nike might say.

- Doug Fresh and Luis Suarez (and Honda) proved that the Jabulani ball is not an issue for forwards.

- I actually do look like Fucile. I've now gotten it 4 times on completely isolated occasions.

- If you need a defensive midfielder who shut down Wesley Sneijder (sorry, a fluke deflection screened by an offsides player doesn't count), Kevin Prince Boateng, Park Ji-Sung, and Youann Gourcuff who costs hmmm, five dollars maybe, talk to Egidio Arevalo. He was the pitbull-looking-fellow who roamed the midfield.

- If you need a striker who plays in Italy with a (laughable) 25 million-euro opt-out fee who unfortunately just ended any hype surrounding him for years, talk to Edinson Cavani.

- Feed Luis Suarez beef cooked medium rare and the man will do wonders with his feet. Do you hear that Tottenham/Citeh/Chelsea?

- This hurts to write but Shakira's Waka Waka, after losing, lost a little luster for me.

- Oscar Washington Tabarez is a phenomenal manager with a future in politics. His goal-celebrations make me smile every time. I might miss Tabarez the most. Until 2014.

JS: I just wanted to add a few things that were too long for a comment and too related to what you've just written to warrant their own post.

First things first: Amen to just about everything. Forlan is fresh to death. If Uruguay wins the third place game on the back of another good performance by him, he's easily the Player of the Tournament for me. And though it hasn't happened since 1990, a player from a team other than the finalists ought to be seriously considered by FIFA for the Golden Ball, and he is that player. (A certain Bastian Schweinsteiger, David Villa, or Mesut Ozil may yet have something to say about that, of course.) Either way, he's a shoo-in for the Tournament Starting XI. And if I had my way, he would be joined there by Lugano, who got better and better throughout the tournament until his unfortunate injury, and your doppelganger, Senor Fucile. I bet if you put on a Uruguay shirt and walked through Montevideo, people would ask for your autograph - you should consider investing in his jersey. But I digress, so back to the point; other than Lahm (or maybe, MAYBE Capdevila), I can't really think of a better fullback this tournament than Jorge Arhancet, excuse me, Fucile. Cointreau and Salcido were pretty good, but didn't get far enough.

As to your ten minute lapse, I honestly thought they'd make the finals from the start. And that's why I put you on speakerphone - the bandwagon Dutch "fans" around me who were talking about awful, nasty, cheating naughty-man Luis Suarez ("Or is it Gonzalez? Whatever.") and how the match had "four-nothing Holland written all over it" needed to hear the voice of someone who actually cared about the outcome. Because they didn't listen when I said Uruguay would make a game of it. They needed a Doug E. Fresh reality check. They needed to learn, the way I learned from my father. The way he learned from his father. If Diego Forlan were my father, that is.

So the dream is over, but what a run it was. At least the nation will always have this:

And I know this got put in a comment earlier (and those who are fans of Forlan's excellent twitter account will have already seen it), but just look at this team. Uruguay should be proud:

Life After Death

I woke up this morning in pain. No, nothing emotional, I mean physical pain - my neck and shoulders have seized up on me like a well cooked lamb shank. I can barely look left or right and it hurts to yawn. Well, I'm lying a bit... about the emotional part.

What Nobody Is Talking About
The freekick in the 120th minute that led to the most frantic 20 seconds in tens of millions of people's sporting lives was a dive. Yep. Watch the replay. It happens at 119:32 of game time and the 2:59:59 mark of the ESPN3 replay. It's as blatant a dive as you will ever see. That is, if the replay was ever shown. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The Bitter Brits
After the game Coach Tabarez was asked if he felt Luis Suarez cheated on the goal-line saving handball. He was asked this because a very bitter Simon Burnton from the English tabloid The Guardian, wrote that Uruguay "have cheated their way to victory." He's right, we cheated and ironically tied 23 to 23. *Holds hand up to ear* Oh wait, I'm getting word from my assistant that fouls committed don't decide the game and if they did the match would have had to go to fouls-committed-penalty-kicks which is a brutal kicking game similar to this.

The definition by which Mr. Burnton defines cheating appears to be when a player breaks the rules of the game. He implied this later with "They have cheated their way to victory. Within the rules of the game we all love. But cheating all the same." Interestingly enough there are even gradations of this rule that the English never break. Yellow cards and red cards are a difficult to understand gradation of fouls. Lets try to understand this better. In the Fifa handbook section 11.2.34 it reads; "Any foul that is judged to be a straight red-card but doesn't produce the desired effect as decided upon by blog writers who love this game dearly will be deemed a Super-Red-Card and thence considered Super-Cheating as opposed to just Regular-Cheating. See Regular-Cheating section 10.3.72."

Section 10.3.72; Any foul that breaks up the flow of play on a counter-attack or when a player pulls a jersey to prevent a cross or slide tackling because said defender is simply less skilled is considered only Regular-Cheating. Regular-Cheating can only occur when the scoring chance isn't extremely obvious by blog writers who love this game dearly. If the scoring chance is Super-Obvious (sect 11.2.35, Super-Obvious Scoring Chance) then the foul shall be deemed Super-Cheating, see sect. 11.2.34.

To section 11.2.35!

Sect 11.2.35 - If a Super-Obvious Scoring Chance occurs during the game, two penalty kicks shall be awarded with the possibility of a third penalty kick awarded should blog writers who love this game dearly deem the first two misses still unjust to the original rules applied. If deemed appropriate, the player who prevented the Super-Obvious Scoring Chance will be asked who his best friend is on the team, and that player will also be given a straight red card.

There it is! The cheating!! The Portuguese referee only awarded one red-card and only awarded one penalty kick! What a disgrace. The replay shows that after Gyan missed the first penalty, Benquerenca asked Luis Suarez who his best friend was on the team and Suarez refused! What a cheater! I am told that Luis Suarez also cheated by celebrating the missed PK but I can't find that in the rule book. Surely it's there.

Sorry I'm Not Sorry
Let the record show that England cheated less than the USA, 12 to 14 on fouls committed. England however lost to Algeria 14 to 13 on cheating and in a real heart breaking cheat fest lost to Slovenia by cheating 20 times to Slovenia's 19 cheats. All this cheating led them out of the group stages where they were robbed. Against Germany, who cheated 7 times, Germany was still oddly awarded the victory even though England only cheated 6 times! Now I understand the bitterness. Considering how much England contribute to the game we all love dearly, this was a devastating mistake by the officials. Hopefully Sepp Blatter will institute Cheat Technology and overturn Germany's victory.

Other Game Notes
Jorge Fucile is apparently Iron Man. Late in the first half he was undercut on a jumping header and landed pretty much directly on his neck. When he laid motionless for 10 seconds I got text-messages that read, "He just died on the field" and "I think he's dead". Not only did he come back to play the rest of the 1st half, albeit a bit woozy, but he played the whole second half and played well. Respect.
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I'll tone down the irony with the handball in just a moment but I think it's ironic that on the replay, if you watch closely, Fucile jumps to try and head it, misses it and then punches at it frantically and still misses. We may have to consult the rule book again about players who are seen to attempt Super-Cheating on Super-Obvious Goal Scoring Chances but fail. On second thought, I'll spare you.
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When Ghiggia, the Uruguayan who shocked Brasil and the world in 1950, was asked to reflect on his goal he said, "despite the joy we had, it was sad to see the stands. People were crying and desperate." I'm not sad yet, kind of not at all actually, but I will safely assume that I'll feel sad eventually.
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Uruguay will face the Netherlands without Fucile (accumulated a second yellow on one of 10 absurdly terrible calls by the referee) Godin and Lugano. That's three of our four starters in the back line. We also face the LowLands without Luis Suarez (coughCHEATER!) who I hope mails a picture of his erect penis to Simon Burnton in his free time. It goes without saying that Luis was in stunning form, ask South Korea, and that Forlan has benefited from his form. And vice versa.

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I won't spend to much time on this but it goes without saying that a great steak dinner is made better with a cold beer and a great dessert afterward. Beating Ghana was the steak dinner, Brasil losing was the cold beer and Argentina getting absolutely embarrassed this morning was the sweetest of desserts. MMMMMhmmm it's tasty. Life is good.

Until Tuesday

Inbox: Uruguay South Korea

All times Eastern - (Name)

10:12 - (Dad) Barbaro Forlan y Suarez, precisamos mas arqueros como el coreano

10:12 - (A.E) Not watching unfortunately. Have to do some volunteer bs. How's it looking

10:13 - (B.H) Oh my god they just showed fusili! You look just like him! E agrees. Ps suarez is good
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10:15 - (B.H) Oh i know how hard that finish was. That was world class
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10:20 - (B.H) You really get forward at left back there. good runs
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10:25 - (co-blogger) You boys look crisp
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10:48 - (B.H) Truth. Dangerous on the counter. Should have a pk and a break away
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11:03 - (J.A) Big time players make big time plays
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11:23 - (co-blogs) Hit these fuckers on the break

11:24 - (J.A) Oh no

11:25 - (co-bl) Yea... The Koreans are so fit it's inhuman
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11:36 - (J.A) Oh yes
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11:38 - (M.A) Ya uruguay!! That was sick

11:38 - (B.H) That was unreal. How. How

11:39 - (M.A) Haha i can imagine

11:40 - (B.H) Great shot
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11:44 - (co-bl) World fucking class
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11:50 - (B.H) Well done
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11:52 - (B.H) Precisely. Wonderful

11:53 - (co-bl) Congrats... This is quite the run
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11:57 - (J.A) Sicknasty
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12:00 - (J.A) Ill be seeing you next round sir
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12:51 - (A.E) My god. That was a giant middle finger to all of Asia. Goal of the tournament

Luis Suarez - Pay That Man

Round 1 Thoughts and Musings

Group A
The permutations and expectations of this group are dizzying at times. I have heard sound arguments for all 8 two-team combinations to advance. France/Mexico. Uruguay/SouthAf. France/SouthAf... and so on and so forth. What is certain however, is that the excitement and 47 months of anticipation shrouded the statistic that only 4 teams who have lost their opening match have ever advanced out of the group. Friday's games demonstrated this but you wouldn't have known it until today. That is to say, the mentality that is dominating the first salvos is clearly - don't lose your first game!

All four teams in Group A showed at least one positive sign but also several negatives. And though the standings show the group all-square, the first round, to me, revealed two tiers. Uruguay and France are in the upper tier, and Mexico/SouthAf are in the lower tier based on the nuances of the play. Shape, discipline, ball-movement - these characteristics were at a higher level in Game2. Today, hopefully (if you're me) the disparity in class will shine through.

If Uruguay can't beat South Africa then they don't deserve to advance. And in order to avoid all shenanigans, Uruguay must win today. They know this. And of all people, Loco Abreu surmised it best. "We got 1 point against France, now its up to everyone else to try and get a point against France." That means you Mexico.

Group B
Messi's scoreless streak for country continues even though by all accounts he had a great game. Meh. Let me know when he scores. Nigeria looked atrocious so it's tough to commit to any conclusions. The only team that looked worse is Greece. South Korea overflowed with confidence and that will hopefully carry over when they play Argentina next. Needless to say the round 2 match between Korea and Argentina will show which squad is legit.

Group C
A fan somewhere in Slovenia during their match realized an opportunity was about to pass them by. Slovenia is in control of this group but for a moment, or rather, 78 minutes, it looked as if this previously unthinkable conclusion would be squandered. Unfortunately for USA/England, Algeria's goalkeeper decided to also take a dump on the field.
So here we are. Group C is the most interesting group and the United States joins the list of teams that is faced with a must-win scenario on Friday. It's still impossible to imagine England not advancing out of the group stages but let's just say I'm listening to all comers.

Group D
Germany didn't get the memo that the first round of games are to be played tentatively and with caution. Ze Germans swaggered and they surfed. Everyone who needed to score for that squad, Prince Podolski and Klose, did. The only way it could get any better for the Germans is if Algeria finishes 2nd place in the Group C.

Group E
The Netherlands haven't exactly clicked into place and the health of Arjen Robben still looms. Bendtner looked pretty good. Uh... yeah, not much going on here except that Cameroon is winning the world cup by a mile for coolest fu%$ing jerseys. Mmmmmmm.

Group Fail
Booooooooo. I'm so upset Luca Toni isn't a part of this.

Group G
My mother thought it was a bad idea that I wore a Uruguay shirt and watched the Brasil game at Reagan/National airport cheering for North Korea. I was prepared to fight every random white guy wearing a Kaka jersey though so it's all good. It's probably too early to tell, but Brasil looked like dog shit. I will convert to any religion that can answer my prayers that Brasil loses their next two games.
There are many complaints about the vuvuzella's and one of those complaints is that you can't hear the ooo's and aah's during a build-up. Ivory Coast vs. Portugal debunked that argument handily. When the jumbotron showed Didier Drogba about to come into the game the vuvu's went apeshit and the stadium seemed like it was gonna come down for 3 minutes. That was a thousand times cooler than singing and it's going to be very hard to forget hearing that boom of vuvu's.

Group H
Chile's Sanchez looked honeycrisp and Honduras came out tired and with no rhythm. Spain is currently playing so I can't comment on them yet but come on, Spain is winning this group [editors change] losing today.

Less than 24 hours away.

If you don't get chills at the end of this commercial you need to check your pulse.

One world watching.