Arsene Wenger cobbled together starting lineups with spit and duct tape and Denilson and somehow the team dragged its ass over the finish line in third or fourth.
At around 10:15 today I yawned, took another swig of Guinness, and felt for the void. It was gone. Soccer was back. Tottenham and Manchester City played what might be the most exciting nil-nil draw I can remember. In summary, Joe Hart made Robert Green and David James look like drunken hobos. Next up was Everton vs. Blackburn. After ten minutes of boring play, and worse, sharp pink Everton jerseys burning my retinas, it was time to change the channel. When Ted and I arrived at the Aston Villa game it was 1-nil to Villa and already they were on their 9th corner. The play flowed nicely, Villa's checkered-trim jerseys pleased the eyes, and the defense was abject. A professional finish from James Milner turned Villa park into a swimming pool and the commentators cued up nostalgic, "Is this the last goal for James Milner in a Villa jersey? :( " questions.
This is no time for a rant, but James Milner leaving Villa for Saudi oil money is wrong in every sporting way. He is a hero at Villa and a key contributor for a competitive squad. The only foreseeable upgrade for him is wages, and the cost is likely to be all sporting aspects that kids dream about when they say they want to be a professional footballer. These kids have obviously never been paid. But this story is as close as you can get to formulating an equation for the price of greatness, as it were. For an extra 20% on his salary, Milner is no longer adored, no longer a hero, no longer "the guy", and who knows if he'll still start next year. I'm sure Adebayor thought he'd be a regular too. That's probably a bad comparison though, because he was never adored. (We've got Arshavin...something something Adebayor)
Anyway. Milner is surely off to join the other 45 over-paid mercenaries at Manchester Citeh. Only 25 of which, are relevant. Grill up a sausage, pick up some toasted ravioli and a dollop of the best German garlic-mustard I have ever had was the lunch menu during the Chelsea - blank fixture.
The commentators, as if watching a horse be put down, introduced the West-Brom lineup. "Well this is unlucky for West Brom -- the fixture computer drawing them against Chelsea." Ha! As if the title holders were going to open against anything other than a punching bag. Six-nil was my call - I have a witness - and it made me no money because I put nothing on it. In fact, after Chelsea's inexcusable second goal, the product of a gaping wall, it was nap time. "And its FOUR for Chelsea... ... Five-nil to the champions... ... Well taken for SIX".
It wasn't the greatest nap, though I did wake up refreshed. The Bolton-Fulham replay came on; we already knew the outcome and immediately turned it off.
"We just conquered seven hours of soccer and it feels great," Ted said. "I'll see you tomorrow."
In the most convoluted fashion, Our Founder, Carlos Bueno will "not continue" at Peñarol. Apparently the decision was brought to an 11 person board of directors at Peñarol and 10 voted no, while 1 voted yes. The team is currently looking for "European suitors" since Carl is on contract until December. This is when everyone who has ever enjoyed any moments of this blog should pray that he ends up in northeastern Spain or southwestern France so that I can stal-um-watch him at least once. Real Sociedad in particular would be great.
Did you know that we live in a world where a man cannot buy a World Cup Diego Forlan Home jersey replica? A horrible world indeed.
This is how much I miss soccer; I found myself watching Juventus play the New York Red Bulls last night on FSC. Juve lost 3-1. It was an earlier replay from May 23rd and um, I watched it then too. This means I watched a two-month-old International Friendly that I had already seen... August 15th is how many days away? 25 you say? Damn. Until then, here are updates on TLOCA allegiances.
Arsenal FC The Cesc Fabregas saga has gone on for so long that I personally believe he will now never leave Arsenal. For at least 2 years. For at least 1 year. We're definitely keeping him this year.
Arsenal's first 5 games are: @Liverpool, Blackpool, @Blackburn, Bolton, @Sunderland. I fully expect 15 points and a lovely +10 goal differential. While we're here, the Premiership will be decided this year in November and December for the Gunners beginning on Nov 14th: @Everton, Tottenham, @Villa, Fulham, @United, Blah, Chelsea. If we manage 14 points or more during that stretch, then Arsenal will be in pole position for the final stretch. Book it. Write it down. Do whatever you do with simple predictions like this.
US National Team Rumors abound that the US Soccer Federation would like to secure Bob Bradley's future. This is a bad idea. To be sure, Bradley has neither underachieved nor overachieved with the talent he selected and is by no means a manager worth firing/letting go. I am simply a firm believer that National team head coaches should be changed every four years regardless of the outcome. Too many allegiances form during an incredibly long and drawn out qualifying campaign and coaches inevitably develop favorites. Outside of the obvious, Bradley trusts certain players for better - Feilhaber, Bradley - or for worse - Clark, Beasley. As a squad ages, it becomes impossible for an entrenched manager to objectively decide which older players to let go and which ones to keep (See Lippi, Marcelo). For example, by 2014, Tim Howard will be 35. Carlos Bocanegra will be 35. Clint Dempsey will be 32. Landon Donovan will be 33. I am not saying who should make the team, simply that Bradley might not be the best person to do so either. And if Jurgen Klinsmann wants the job for god's sake give it to him!
AS Roma There isn't much news on the Italian front (release your schedule already!!) but in case you missed it, Roma signed Adriano, the Brasilian phenom who might finally have partied himself out. That means Adriano will join forces with Toni and Totti up front to form the most capricious strike force in professional football. They may run off 15 goals in three games or record only 3 shots attempted in five. Their back line remains quite great with Rossi, Juan, Mexes and Riise and the Roman side should make some noise this year again. This squad finished only 2 points back of Inter last year when they were fire burnin on the dance floor, so never count them out.
TH14Titi Henry, in what can only be Jim's wildest dream, signed for the New York Red Bulls and will play while Jimbo is in New York. And he's making his debut against Tottenham - hence my inclusion of Jim's favorite picture in the world (Click here to blow it up, priceless). Whatever you've done to deserve this Jim please let me know, that way David Trezeguet will sign for DC United and debut against Inter Milan. I demand a blog-post describing the event.
Air McBride Brian still plays for the Chicago Fire - a team name I just realized after vague google searches is inappropriate - at 38 years old. He started practically all of last year and has 4 goals so far this year. In fact, on August 8th, Brian McBride might be on the field at the same time as Thierry Henry in what will surely be a 10-11 shoot-out in which both players score double hattricks in the first half.
Leo Messi Messi recently finished his vacation in Rio and visited Haiti after setting a world cup record for most shots attempted in a World Cup without a goal. Unlike Wayne Rooney though, Messi clearly made an impact in every game he played and his talents aren't questioned. I will hopefully write alot more about Messi after seeing him play in person.
Super Robert Pires The Arsenal legend's contract has not been extended at Villareal but he is rumored to be on his way to Ligue-1 Saint Etienne. He may also get paid in Qatar (see Cannavaro, Che) or with Jim's luck he will also sign with the New York Red Bulls.
Uruguayan National Team I seriously can't find that beautiful jersey. If I were in to getting out-bidden by 1 penny after days of stressing I'd turn to Ebay but I'm not. Yet...
Juventus FC Rumours abound that The Old Lady are after my man Diego Forlan. There can be no worse Diego already on the team, so that's probably a good thing. My patience with Juventus is razor-thin, so it's best to wait and see. Also, Juve didn't pick up Martin Caceres' loan option of 12milli and he's back to Barcelona. Again, not much news on the Italian front.
Peñarol Our founder, Carlos Bueno, is back on the team after Real Sociedad inexplicably did not pick up his loan option. Uruguayan domestic soccer takes off for Christmas break around mid-December and doesn't resume until late January. That makes it just about impossible to see him play in the flesh. He also not so secretly hates Peñarol after they refused to pay him his contract and sued him during his subsequent tantrum. El Pais, Uruguay's newspaper, claims that Bueno's future will be decided shortly. If he doesn't find a place in Spain where I can see him play live for the first time I'll be so damn depressed. This story is developing rapidly so stay tuned.
Cristiano Ronaldo He has an heir apparently and this is a big deal. A, uh, huge deal. Yeah, the rumors of him being infertile can now be put to rest. I'm simply amazed that he can walk after the repeated murder attempts he received when he played Spain. The officiating that game was a disgrace.
Storybook Runs Uruguay. This is probably the only video I haven't seen. It's awesome. And finally... Luca Toni, Wet Hair
Diego Forlan has it on dubs In a press release, Atletico Madrid revealed security concerns with Diego Forlan's new warm-up before games. Doug plans to warm up wearing shoes made of gold and juggling a ball also made entirely of gold. "It might take some time to get used to, but with the full kit I couldn't pass it up," Diego smiled, revealing his mouth full of gold.
Order is restored
All is right in the world. That was the response Jim gave when he found out that Forlan had earned the Balon de Oro as the World Cup's best player. At the half-time of the Germany Uruguay game we discussed the possible candidates. The shortened version was that as it stands, Forlan deserved it but certainly wouldn't win it. The short list for Fifa included names like Messi, and Iniesta. Two great players who had done nothing compared to Villa, Muller and Forlan.
Then the second half began. And Diego did this. The debate was over. Or at least that's what I screamed to whoever would listen. In the back of my mind, I still had a terrible feeling. But Fifa got it right and maybe, just maybe, it was as obvious a decision as I thought. It may not be a perfect ending, but everything was right.
I had my doubts about Forlan, I can't deny it. When Uruguay struggled during qualifying - oh I haven't forgotten - I blamed Diego. It wasn't exactly misplaced either. All those well weighted passes in the World Cup were turnovers against Bolivia. All those majestic, artistic strikes in the World Cup that embarrassed goal-keepers, sailed high and wide against Chile. Ironically, Atletico's deep run in the Europa Cup helped Diego. This flew in the face of all the English talking heads who blamed long domestic campaigns for the failures of English "stars". Oh see what had happened was
As it turns out, Diego Forlan had 3 goals in his last 5 club games, two of which were in the Europa 'ship. Wayne Rooney had zero goals in his last 5 games. Notoriously a slow starter, Diego peaked at the perfect time. Simply notorious, Wayne did not. But this is neither here nor there. Irregardless of their respective vintages, Diego Forlan, a Man-Utd burn-out is now also one of the best players in World Cup history.I realized something the day after Luis Suarez received an honorary degree in Physics from South Korea University. The anxiety, the suffering, the complaining, that was all an extension of not my greatest fears - missing the World Cup - but rather my biggest regrets - the lack of memories. 2002 left me with nothing. 2006 even worse. I was at the height of my soccer obsession with no lasting images of Uruguayan soccer.
Ha. How things change huh. From Diego's bomb on South Africa all the way to Diego's mind-altering volley on Germany - with a whole lot of Luis Suarez in between - 2010 was full of memories. And that is what is most important.
The dream has ended and this morning I woke up to 100 degree heat. Just like that, politics, religion, the economy, borders, history, trade, oil, water, gas, mineral rights, human rights and animal rights all matter again. It probably didn't help that instead of watching the post-game highlights I stared for an hour at the live feed of oil gushing into the gulf and listened to Rascal Flats' What Hurts the Most on loop. What Hurts the Most The only regret that will stay with me after The One Month is that I started doubting this team. My swagger frayed and I leaned on horrible thoughts like, "we had a good run" and "nobody expected us to be here" to console me even before the game begun. Over the weekend I worried to my father that Forlan can't do it all himself. I said that we'd miss Fucile. Not only did he not share my sentiment but he didn't understand what I meant. It took me until ten minutes into the first half to start believing we could win and if there is one thing I could get back it'd be those ten minutes.
Uruguay Belong The haters out there who walk around slightly depressed and flinch whenever they first breathe fresh air looked at Uruguay in the semi-finals and feigned outrage. They started by predicting Uruguay wouldn't advance out of the group, then they said Uruguay wouldn't win the group. These are the people that stuttered when Diego Forlan banged home the equalizer yesterday and looked confused when Uruguay bossed fifteen-minute chunks of the game. They are also likely the people I screamed at unknowingly when Jim put me on speaker-phone to some self-proclaimed dutch fans after Doug Fresh added more supplements to his patent on Truth Serum.
Uruguay played really well. They did the whole tournament and they certainly paid homage to Nate Silver's pre-WC ranking of 9th as opposed to Fifa's 22nd. It was the largest discrepancy between Fifa ranking and SPI's ranking of any team I might add. But that's the point. Hardly anybody thought we belonged - those people are stupid. Dutch Delight... More Like Dutch Disgrace A Dutch housewife decides to clean up the house a bit while watching the game. While vacuuming she accidentally backs into the TV and Arjen Robben falls down.
They are the best team that has never won it. It can stay that way. I can't believe I'm going to castigate simulation but Robben has forced my hand. From my informal statistics, not only did Uruguay never intentionally foul him (even Perez's harsh yellow was a 50/50 ball), but the dives to fouls was approaching 10 to 1 in the second half. I counted three consecutive flops, none of them called (thankfully). It was embarrassing. When I'm at boring dinner parties and people air their grievances about soccer, one of the (tired) complaints is that the players writhe around in pain too much and every time they are touched they freak out. I will still defend the sport heartily, but if someone brings up Arjen Robben I'm pretty screwed. I have a much easier time defending Cristiano now.
Van Bommel is a donkey. It's amazing he doesn't play in England where he can run around kicking achilles, grazing on pasture, and cleating shins. He is a disgrace and Mark Van Bommel is the reason I want the Netherlands to lose on Sunday.
What We Learned About Uruguay In no particular order:
- The recent heat wave along the east coast is actually a result of Diego Forlan having mistakenly made a phone call to a wrong number in Baltimore. But more seriously the man has written his name in Uruguayan soccer history with permanent marker. I've had my doubts during qualifying, but there can be no more doubts. He is the soul of this team and he has certainly written the future as Nike might say.
- Doug Fresh and Luis Suarez (and Honda) proved that the Jabulani ball is not an issue for forwards.
- I actually do look like Fucile. I've now gotten it 4 times on completely isolated occasions.
- If you need a defensive midfielder who shut down Wesley Sneijder (sorry, a fluke deflection screened by an offsides player doesn't count), Kevin Prince Boateng, Park Ji-Sung, and Youann Gourcuff who costs hmmm, five dollars maybe, talk to Egidio Arevalo. He was the pitbull-looking-fellow who roamed the midfield.
- If you need a striker who plays in Italy with a (laughable) 25 million-euro opt-out fee who unfortunately just ended any hype surrounding him for years, talk to Edinson Cavani.
- Feed Luis Suarez beef cooked medium rare and the man will do wonders with his feet. Do you hear that Tottenham/Citeh/Chelsea?
- This hurts to write but Shakira's Waka Waka, after losing, lost a little luster for me.
- Oscar Washington Tabarez is a phenomenal manager with a future in politics. His goal-celebrations make me smile every time. I might miss Tabarez the most. Until 2014.
JS: I just wanted to add a few things that were too long for a comment and too related to what you've just written to warrant their own post.
First things first: Amen to just about everything. Forlan is fresh to death. If Uruguay wins the third place game on the back of another good performance by him, he's easily the Player of the Tournament for me. And though it hasn't happened since 1990, a player from a team other than the finalists ought to be seriously considered by FIFA for the Golden Ball, and he is that player. (A certain Bastian Schweinsteiger, David Villa, or Mesut Ozil may yet have something to say about that, of course.) Either way, he's a shoo-in for the Tournament Starting XI. And if I had my way, he would be joined there by Lugano, who got better and better throughout the tournament until his unfortunate injury, and your doppelganger, Senor Fucile. I bet if you put on a Uruguay shirt and walked through Montevideo, people would ask for your autograph - you should consider investing in his jersey. But I digress, so back to the point; other than Lahm (or maybe, MAYBE Capdevila), I can't really think of a better fullback this tournament than Jorge Arhancet, excuse me, Fucile. Cointreau and Salcido were pretty good, but didn't get far enough.
As to your ten minute lapse, I honestly thought they'd make the finals from the start. And that's why I put you on speakerphone - the bandwagon Dutch "fans" around me who were talking about awful, nasty, cheating naughty-man Luis Suarez ("Or is it Gonzalez? Whatever.") and how the match had "four-nothing Holland written all over it" needed to hear the voice of someone who actually cared about the outcome. Because they didn't listen when I said Uruguay would make a game of it. They needed a Doug E. Fresh reality check. They needed to learn, the way I learned from my father. The way he learned from his father. If Diego Forlan were my father, that is.
So the dream is over, but what a run it was. At least the nation will always have this:
And I know this got put in a comment earlier (and those who are fans of Forlan's excellent twitter account will have already seen it), but just look at this team. Uruguay should be proud:
I woke up this morning in pain. No, nothing emotional, I mean physical pain - my neck and shoulders have seized up on me like a well cooked lamb shank. I can barely look left or right and it hurts to yawn. Well, I'm lying a bit... about the emotional part.
What Nobody Is Talking About The freekick in the 120th minute that led to the most frantic 20 seconds in tens of millions of people's sporting lives was a dive. Yep. Watch the replay. It happens at 119:32 of game time and the 2:59:59 mark of the ESPN3 replay. It's as blatant a dive as you will ever see. That is, if the replay was ever shown. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The Bitter Brits After the game Coach Tabarez was asked if he felt Luis Suarez cheated on the goal-line saving handball. He was asked this because a very bitter Simon Burnton from the English tabloid The Guardian, wrote that Uruguay "have cheated their way to victory." He's right, we cheated and ironically tied 23 to 23. *Holds hand up to ear* Oh wait, I'm getting word from my assistant that fouls committed don't decide the game and if they did the match would have had to go to fouls-committed-penalty-kicks which is a brutal kicking game similar to this.
The definition by which Mr. Burnton defines cheating appears to be when a player breaks the rules of the game. He implied this later with "They have cheated their way to victory. Within the rules of the game we all love. But cheating all the same." Interestingly enough there are even gradations of this rule that the English never break. Yellow cards and red cards are a difficult to understand gradation of fouls. Lets try to understand this better. In the Fifa handbook section 11.2.34 it reads; "Any foul that is judged to be a straight red-card but doesn't produce the desired effect as decided upon by blog writers who love this game dearly will be deemed a Super-Red-Card and thence considered Super-Cheating as opposed to just Regular-Cheating. See Regular-Cheating section 10.3.72."
Section 10.3.72; Any foul that breaks up the flow of play on a counter-attack or when a player pulls a jersey to prevent a cross or slide tackling because said defender is simply less skilled is considered only Regular-Cheating. Regular-Cheating can only occur when the scoring chance isn't extremely obvious by blog writers who love this game dearly. If the scoring chance is Super-Obvious (sect 11.2.35, Super-Obvious Scoring Chance) then the foul shall be deemed Super-Cheating, see sect. 11.2.34.
To section 11.2.35!
Sect 11.2.35 - If a Super-Obvious Scoring Chance occurs during the game, two penalty kicks shall be awarded with the possibility of a third penalty kick awarded should blog writers who love this game dearly deem the first two misses still unjust to the original rules applied. If deemed appropriate, the player who prevented the Super-Obvious Scoring Chance will be asked who his best friend is on the team, and that player will also be given a straight red card.
There it is! The cheating!! The Portuguese referee only awarded one red-card and only awarded one penalty kick! What a disgrace. The replay shows that after Gyan missed the first penalty, Benquerenca asked Luis Suarez who his best friend was on the team and Suarez refused! What a cheater! I am told that Luis Suarez also cheated by celebrating the missed PK but I can't find that in the rule book. Surely it's there.
Sorry I'm Not Sorry Let the record show that England cheated less than the USA, 12 to 14 on fouls committed. England however lost to Algeria 14 to 13 on cheating and in a real heart breaking cheat fest lost to Slovenia by cheating 20 times to Slovenia's 19 cheats. All this cheating led them out of the group stages where they were robbed. Against Germany, who cheated 7 times, Germany was still oddly awarded the victory even though England only cheated 6 times! Now I understand the bitterness. Considering how much England contribute to the game we all love dearly, this was a devastating mistake by the officials. Hopefully Sepp Blatter will institute Cheat Technology and overturn Germany's victory.
Other Game Notes Jorge Fucile is apparently Iron Man. Late in the first half he was undercut on a jumping header and landed pretty much directly on his neck. When he laid motionless for 10 seconds I got text-messages that read, "He just died on the field" and "I think he's dead". Not only did he come back to play the rest of the 1st half, albeit a bit woozy, but he played the whole second half and played well. Respect. __ I'll tone down the irony with the handball in just a moment but I think it's ironic that on the replay, if you watch closely, Fucile jumps to try and head it, misses it and then punches at it frantically and still misses. We may have to consult the rule book again about players who are seen to attempt Super-Cheating on Super-Obvious Goal Scoring Chances but fail. On second thought, I'll spare you. __ When Ghiggia, the Uruguayan who shocked Brasil and the world in 1950, was asked to reflect on his goal he said, "despite the joy we had, it was sad to see the stands. People were crying and desperate." I'm not sad yet, kind of not at all actually, but I will safely assume that I'll feel sad eventually. __ Uruguay will face the Netherlands without Fucile (accumulated a second yellow on one of 10 absurdly terrible calls by the referee) Godin and Lugano. That's three of our four starters in the back line. We also face the LowLands without Luis Suarez (coughCHEATER!) who I hope mails a picture of his erect penis to Simon Burnton in his free time. It goes without saying that Luis was in stunning form, ask South Korea, and that Forlan has benefited from his form. And vice versa.
__ I won't spend to much time on this but it goes without saying that a great steak dinner is made better with a cold beer and a great dessert afterward. Beating Ghana was the steak dinner, Brasil losing was the cold beer and Argentina getting absolutely embarrassed this morning was the sweetest of desserts. MMMMMhmmm it's tasty. Life is good.
10:12 - (Dad) Barbaro Forlan y Suarez, precisamos mas arqueros como el coreano
10:12 - (A.E) Not watching unfortunately. Have to do some volunteer bs. How's it looking
10:13 - (B.H) Oh my god they just showed fusili! You look just like him! E agrees. Ps suarez is good . 10:15 - (B.H) Oh i know how hard that finish was. That was world class . . . . 10:20 - (B.H) You really get forward at left back there. good runs . . . . 10:25 - (co-blogger) You boys look crisp . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10:48 - (B.H) Truth. Dangerous on the counter. Should have a pk and a break away . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11:03 - (J.A) Big time players make big time plays . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11:23 - (co-blogs) Hit these fuckers on the break
11:24 - (J.A) Oh no
11:25 - (co-bl) Yea... The Koreans are so fit it's inhuman . . . . . . . . . . 11:36 - (J.A) Oh yes . 11:38 - (M.A) Ya uruguay!! That was sick
11:38 - (B.H) That was unreal. How. How
11:39 - (M.A) Haha i can imagine
11:40 - (B.H) Great shot . . . 11:44 - (co-bl) World fucking class . . . . . 11:50 - (B.H) Well done . 11:52 - (B.H) Precisely. Wonderful
11:53 - (co-bl) Congrats... This is quite the run . . . 11:57 - (J.A) Sicknasty . . 12:00 - (J.A) Ill be seeing you next round sir ................................................... 12:51 - (A.E) My god. That was a giant middle finger to all of Asia. Goal of the tournament
When Ted and I arrived at the Aston Villa game it was 1-nil to Villa and already they were on their 9th corner. The play flowed nicely, Villa's checkered-trim jerseys pleased the eyes, and the defense was abject. A professional finish from James Milner turned Villa park into a swimming pool and the commentators cued up nostalgic, "Is this the last goal for James Milner in a Villa jersey? :( " questions.
Anyway. Milner is surely off to join the other 45 over-paid mercenaries at Manchester Citeh. Only 25 of which, are relevant. Grill up a sausage, pick up some toasted ravioli and a dollop of the best German garlic-mustard I have ever had was the lunch menu during the Chelsea - blank fixture.
