Something Great

Arsene Wenger cobbled together starting lineups with spit and duct tape and Denilson and somehow the team dragged its ass over the finish line in third or fourth.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

(Live) From the Castle of King Kev!

I write to you live on a beautiful Sunday morning from the Arhancet Acres where Manchester United is hosting NewCastle. There have been so many "pleasant surprises" so far in the first 30 minutes that it deserves its own section.

Pleasant Surprises

11' - I'm eleven minutes late for the start and it's still nil-nil. That's kind of pleasant yes, but what really the surprise is that my parents, do not ask me how, switched from the FSC/Goltv/FSN sports package to the FSE/Goltv/TYC package. The acronym for FSE reveals itself readily once I discover that the programming title is "Futbol Ingles." Ah yes, Fox Sports Espanol and as usual, Spanish announcers can do no wrong. FSE, in so far as premiership matches, plays exactly the same schedule as FSC so I suppose the real question is, Why didn't I think of this?

13' - Paul Scholes is referred to as "El Colorado." I was going to elaborate but I think it should be obvious enough as to why that pleases me.

14' - Rooney's name is said with rolling R's (making it fairly cool and less thugish) and Nicky Butt is said - Knee-key Boot. It's been three minutes and I'm sold. I'm really beginning to regret missing the Liverpool-Sundyland game yesterday with these commentators.

22' - Ummmm? The Magpies just scored. This causes me to scream, "LONG LIVE KING KEV!!" My mother yells at me for startling her. One-nil in my dreams. Still pinching self.

24' - Hahahaha. I laugh because Jim and I spent a long time yesterday morning talking about how watching Arsenal is like watching a successful surgery. I'm on a hunch so I look up how Chelsea performed this morning and I'm immediately greeted with a primordial scream by Scolari. I close the screen and assume things um, went well. One to one, Man Utd.

Halftime - I spend the next twenty minutes moping - thinking about Arsenal reminds me that I still need to mow the lawn. My mood turns to elation because at halftime, a Subway commercial in Spanish translates hilariously into: "Philadelphia's only good contribution to humanity is the Philly cheese steak sandwich." I can't wait to use that later in a casual social setting. Man I hate Philadelphia.

<--- This is first image that comes up when I searched for "Magpie." I'm not making this up, the caption underneath it is, "Magpies are not very likable birds." Do a google image search and see for yourself.

Oh I almost forgot - After Darren Fletcher tied the game up, the camera crew cuts to Cristiano in the stands. He's wearing a backwards hat with the brim touching his neck (kinda like this but even more pronounced) and he's clapping exactly the same way I do when Arsenal wins a throw-in. Before the camera cuts away from him he stops, looks down and checks his cellphone. Oh Cristiano, I really do love you.

50' - Shot of the stands shows a small congregation of black and white striped jerseys jumping up and down and singing like crazy. Sigh. I try to think of another team in sports who's fans are as delusional as NewCastlers and the parents of a special olympian comes to mind. I'm probably going to hell.

61' - I'm furious. Martins misses a point-blank header. EFF!

72' - Vidic bounces a header off the crossbar and now he's hurt. Carrick left the pitch earlier limping as well. Check that - Vidic was just cramping from having jumped so high.

77' - Frazier Campbell, this fast young dude, absolutely brutalizes a defender with a sliding tackle from behind and gets a yellow card. Rooney is incredulous - it's the first yellow of the game.

82' - Camera cuts back to the congregation of NewCastle fans and they're quiet and pensive. Hmmm, little bit of the nerves there N'Castle?? Getting a leeeeee tle bit nervous are we?

I'm gonna type this now before it actually happens, but watching this game and hoping for Man U not to go ahead 2-1 feels alot like watching the horizon and hoping the sun doesn't rise. I could be wrong though.

85' - All eleven N'Castlers are in their own half. Begin the lock down sequence.

87' - Kevin Keegan can't stop scratching his head and fidgeting.

88' - Now I'm nervous.

89' - Rooney gets a yellow card for swearing at the ref. The wheels are coming off.

THREE MINUTES! What in the world! Nothing happened, there were no injuries. This is crazy.

92' - Martins stalls on a throw-in. Good job. Another throw-in. N'Castle seems to have forgotten how to do such a thing. I love it.

20 seconds.

MOTHER FUCKER. Foul right outside the top of the box. Oh my god if Man U scores I'm going to slam my laptop to the ground.

I'm outta here, you'll know if they score or not.

Alright I'm back. Rooney doesn't even put it on goal... terrible.

Cue PennyTalk commercial. I swear this actually happened. Priceless.