Arsene Wenger cobbled together starting lineups with spit and duct tape and Denilson and somehow the team dragged its ass over the finish line in third or fourth.
Yesterday, Juan wrote a post on why you should boo Cesc Fabregas. Today, I'd like to take issue with that post and explain why you should absolutely, definitely boo Cesc Fabregas.
1. He's an extremely good player. Probably one of the five best central midfielders in the world. People who aren't Arsenal fans never really understood this completely. The subject of Fabregas would come up with fans of other teams, and I would repeatedly insist: "no, he is a truly special world-class player," and then they'd say "hmm sure alright" and then add something nonsensical about Lampard or, even worse, Michael Carrick, and I'd shake my head and say: "no, you don't understand," and then we'd get frustrated with each other. (And I mean no disrespect to Lampard, who was brilliant and still is sometimes brilliant, especially when he scores against Chelsea because that ish is hilarious.)
2. He wears a blue shirt when he plays home games.
3. He does not wear a red and white shirt when he plays home games.
4. He intentionally passes the ball to this old man who was recently spotted on a bus, and the old man then uses his devil magic skills to magic the ball into the other team's goal. (Sometimes the other team is wearing red and white.)
5. He was so good and he was the captain and then he said he wanted to go home and he said that it was all he ever wanted and he had Barca DNA and Pepe Reina put that shirt on him and then he went home and OK that's fine it's just like Henry but then three years later he is not at home but instead playing for a terrible man who is completely without honor and class and who would definitely, definitely lose to Arsene Wenger in a fistfight and he is being paid with money that is dripping with the sweat and blood of the Russian people who were swindled and I hate him and I love him and I hate him
It's been over 3 years since Cesc Fabregas played his last game for Arsenal; it was a 2-1 loss to Bolton. He left for his hometown of Barcelona, where, before anyone cared where he played soccer, he was just a kid. In Northeast Spain, nothing is given. Everything is earned. Or something like that.
He wanted to win we were told.
But he won't play! We responded (correctly).
He'll fit in perfectly they said.
But where exactly? We exclaimed (correctly).
The weather, the tabloids, the women, the food, the culture - they're are all better in Spain!
But... but...yeah ok fine.
In between watching perhaps the best team I will see in my lifetime I watched him on the bench, desperate for a frown, a twitch, something that I could point to. Something that would let me know that maybe he regretted his decision. That's all I really wanted.
I know, I thought, he won't play in El Clasico, and that's when I can move on. He came on in the 80th minute, Barcelona lost 2-1.
But then he started playing, and then he scored a few goals, and then they won the league, and then they won everything. He looked happy. Ouch.
Time will fix this, and it did. I was happy for him. He was right, Arsenal was a sinking ship. He'll always be a gooner.
Until he wasn't.
What in the holy christ fuck is he doing back in England and with goddamn Chelsea with goddamn Mourinho and Drogba, and, jesus! And don't come at me with this, "Arsenal didn't want him" bullshit. First of all Arsenal have a right to pass on him, I'm glad they did (no I'm not), and that's not what happened anyway. If he's capable of forcing himself onto Barcelona, and he'll take a pay cut to do it, and he'll swim the Mediterranean just to get there, then if he really wanted to come back he would have. It wasn't about competitiveness when he left because athletes in their prime want to contribute - he was the captain of a Champions League team in Englad at 24! His first games were with an Arsenal team that went undefeated in the league! It turns out we were right, he was wrong.
And that's why you should boo him. Because with this it's not often you're right, but this time you were.
So let him cross it to an offside John Terry, which of course won't be flagged, of course, it's Chelsea. And let him hug all up on Willian, and Terry, and let Mourinho keep trolling Arsenal fans since he's still mad that Pellegrini trolled him with Lampard earlier in the year - thanks for that by the way - and hopefully Fabs has some advice for Costa and his Van-Persie-hamstrings. To hell with it all.
BOOOOOOOOOO.
As Juan mentioned earlier, we passed TLOCA's three-year anniversary last month (January 15th, to be exact). According to this website, the traditional anniversary gift for the third year is leather, and the modern gift is crystal/glass. So if anyone would like to send us a pair of the pants that David Bentley undoubtedly wears around his house and any part of Robin van Persie's body, that should satisfy both the traditional and the modern gift requirements.
To business. First, regarding Liverpool's two new strikers: (1) I'm excited to see this play out, and (2) how on earth is Andy Carroll worth 12.5 million pounds more than Luis Suarez? I mean, I understand the whole "he's English and he's really tall" argument, but so is Peter Crouch. I also recognize that they have extremely different playing styles, but I would take Suarez over Carroll any day. Eighty-one goals in 110 appearances for Ajax? Sure, it's the Dutch league, but throw a fine World Cup performance on top of that, and he's worth twice as much as Carroll in my view. It's just too bad that Arsenal would never spend that. Or maybe it's for the best because it would have caused Juan to immediately buy that jersey and have a heart attack from excitement after putting it on.
Rio Ferdinand is definitely growing on me. Don't get me wrong, I still desperately need to see United lose a game, and if he were the one to score a shocking own goal to make it so, I would laugh loud and uncontrollably. But I enjoy him telling it like it is. Opining that Lord Samir of Nasri has been the player of the season thus far (get well soon, Samir of). Calling out Andy Gray and Richard Keys as "dinosaurs." Well done, England captain.
A quick jaunt around Europe: Barca greatest team ever, etc. Even Jose may want out because he's run up against a juggernaut - we'll see him at United in two seasons max. Maybe even next year, if, gulp, United continue on like this. Don't look now, but Roma are fifth in the Serie A with two games in hand on Milan. After starting the season looking like relegation fodder, they're once again proving that their masters of the creep. Slowly, quietly creeping up the table. Sunday's clash with Inter should be good viewing.
Speaking of Sunday, what are the odds on Torres scoring? Let's take a little video recap, shall we?
First Liverpool goal.
Or this.
Yep.
Remember these?
And I know there are a couple more out there. In fact, I'm a little surprised that Chelsea didn't spend all that money just to break his legs out of bitterness and spite. But I guess they were just as curious as the rest of us to see what would happen if they put the best two strikers of the past few seasons (apologies to David Villa, he's up there, too) on the same front line. Of course, they waited until after one got malaria and the other effed his hamstring. But hey, you can't have everything.
"There's only one team in Russia." This was the chant we were greeted with as we exited the tube at the appropriately named "Arsenal" stop. From the other end of the platform came a surprisingly loud response: "Five years, and you've won f*ckall." Hello there, Chelsea supporters. I guess it wasn't a huge surprise - after all, our train had originated in blue territory.
The walk inside the tube station seems to last forever. It's a crush of people, and you walk up a long incline to reach the actual exit. Frequently, an Arsenal or Chelsea shout rises above the throng, and depending on the song and the receptiveness of the crowd, either immediately dies out or ignites like flame to newspaper. I want to join in, especially with the more obscene chants - my time with the gooners at Nevada Smith's taught me well - but I'm with my dad and my younger brother. Propriety wins out for the time being.
Once outside the tube station, it's still several blocks to the stadium. It's a chilly, damp evening with a very light drizzle that occasionally looks and feels as though snow is falling. The weather has been like this for two days, and it will persist until we leave. England is nothing if not predictable in this way. Like the most important and enormous U.S. sporting events, almost all the roads around the area have been closed for pedestrian-use only. Shops and carts hawking knockoff jerseys, scarves, and grub line the streets. I see some amazing t-shirts that would either cost $40+ after shipping to the U.S. or that would be simply unavailable. But the throng is moving too fast, and I insist on being inside the stadium to see the players warm up. Next time.
The first few minutes of this video give a good idea of that walk.
The Emirates is large, and it is impressive. I doubt it has the same grandeur as Milan's San Siro, Barca's Nou Camp (Juan, I'll have to come over and find out soon), or Madrid's Bernabeu. Heck, Old Trafford is supposed to be pretty impressive. But I'm sufficiently awed. I'm not sure if they're planning on adding more, but the murals are pretty awesome, and appear at random intervals around the stadium. These murals depict the backs of Arsenal legends, arm in arm, transcending their individual eras, teammates forever. It's fair to say that I'm getting pretty amped at this point.
When we get inside, I can't believe where we're sitting. Without going into too much detail, the seats that I thought were upper-deckers turned out to be just the opposite. The numbers I thought referred to a section actually referred to a luxury box almost directly above the corner flag. I was surprised when we initially got tickets, because the game was an obvious sell-out. But this is crazy. We're in the front row of the section. The view of the field is sublime. I grab my free match program and lineup card. The only drawback: directly below us, a high-spirited group of blue-clad individuals produces a tremendous amount of noise and directs a few choice hand gestures at the surrounding sections. Hello again, Chelsea supporters.
During warmups, my brother and I spend a few minutes just identifying the key players for our father. Kickoff approaches rapidly. Elvis Presley's "The Wonder of You" floats through the misty night air and lingers above the rapidly growing crowd. We're getting close. The music from Requiem for a Dream (the English really love that soundtrack) blasts as the jumbotron shows highlights from past Arsenal-Chelsea clashes and great Arsenal goals. I think about one of the last emails I received before I left the hotel. My fellow TLOCA correspondent sent me instructions to take pictures and video and concluded with a prediction: "3-1 Arsenal. Write it down." Given the recent history between the sides, my hopes are more modest. A 1-1 draw. And maybe, just maybe, a 2-1 victory. Kickoff.
The game starts at a frantic pace. I'm struggling to take it all in. Stream of consciousness time. Good chances for both teams. RVP should do better with an incredibly good chipped pass from Song. Song has obviously been hanging out with Cesc and Wilshere a lot. Cesc and Nasri have fantastic close control. If they want it to be, the ball is dead the instant it touches their feet. Drogba may have been sick, but he's still a physical presence that causes problems. Fail to deal with him at your peril. He sends a torpedo just wide of the post. Theo is FAST. Like, unbelievably fast. Like Mike Vick fast. He gives Ashley a hell of a time, and we eat it up.
BOOOOO. We hate Ashley Cole. Oh yes, indeed. We also consistently express our dislike for the classy, and not at all terrible person known as John Terry. (Drogba also gets booed, but it's a respectful boo. It's the kind of boo that non-Cardinals fans give Albert Pujols.) But we really save it for Ca$hley. Over the course of warm-ups, he was booed. During the game, he was booed literally every time he came near the ball, let alone touched it. When he so much as appeared to move his mouth or talk to the referee or an Arsenal player, he was booed mercilessly. The crowd never got tired of it. Other than the goals and the final whistle, the biggest cheer of the night came when Theo cleverly got himself fouled by A. Cole. Yellow card. Humongous din.
Meanwhile, another battle is taking place. The song wars began before kickoff, and they persist throughout the first half. I do my part. But for the majority of the first half, the Chelsea supporters give a very good account of themselves. For one, Arsenal isn't known for being the loudest venue (after all, Highbury was nicknamed "the library" by opposing fans), and because of the self-selection involved, these Chelsea fans are the craziest die-hards. They're loud, fearless, and inebriated. But now and then, they get riled up when "Sh*t Club, No History" rings out across the remainder of the stadium. It's fun to see them collectively bristle.
"Super Frankie Lampard" Wasn't So Super That Night
Arsenal's ticky-tacky and insistence on walking it into the net is even more frustrating in person. And when you're surrounded by 55,000 other people that are screaming for someone to shoot, it's even more magnified. Even my father, a self-proclaimed neutral (mostly for the benefit of my brother, a Chelsea fan), begins yelling out that familiar blend of encouragement and frustration. Nasri finally obliges with a beautiful and skillful shot. Top corner... until Cech answers with a poster-worthy save. Crap. Back to ticky-tacky. How many times, in how many pubs, have we felt this? You get worked up into a frenzy that has no signs of being released. Of course, that is, until the ticky-tacky actually works, and in the span of maybe 1.5 seconds your brain has to process: oh great pass by Wilshere, is that a penalty on Cesc, and OH IT DOESN'T MATTER ALEX SONG JUST SCORED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Oh my God. Cue insanity on all sides except directly below. The self-restraint I was exercising on behalf of my father and brother vanishes in an instant.
"One Nil to the Arsenal." "Ashley, what's the score? Ashley, Ashley, what's the score?" "Who Are Ya?" "There's only one team in London." "You can stick your Russian rubles up your Arse!" "We've only got one Song!" The Chelsea fans have no response. They're shell-shocked. The referee blows for halftime. More cheering. I investigate what the good people of Goldman Sachs (yeah...) have provided in the way of food and drink. Roast beef and beer. Yes, please. I also leave the box and go into the hallway that leads to the bathroom. I walk past a young man who looks strong and athletic and who bears more than a passing resemblance to Jude Law. He's wearing well tailored jeans that probably cost upwards of $1,000. I do my best to keep my jaw from actually dropping. It's Thomas Vermaelen. I nod at him and smile. He nods back. When I return to my seat, the guy behind me shows me a picture on his camera. It's him and Vermaelen. Why the hell didn't I think to do that? Err... next time?
Second half. Just hold on, baby. My brother insists that Chelsea will score. He repeatedly insists that it will be Ivanovic with a header. He (rightfully) points out that Arsenal can't defend players like that during set pieces. I laugh him off and tell him that, if anything, it'll be Drogba and he'll score two. The Chelsea fans have found their voices again. They're feeling good. But suddenly, the ball breaks lose from a tackle. Chelsea are caught playing a line that's way too high. Theo is on the ball - he's faster than everyone else on the pitch. He squares it - of course he squares it - for El Capitan. Holy crap. It's two. What next?
I barely have time to process this information. I turn to my dad, and just as I'm telling him "this is not what I expected," Malouda dallies on the ball for a split second too long and Theo picks his pocket. Cesc and Theo are running free again how on earth oh my god what a pass please just shoot Theo he actually shot AND WOW WHAT A GOAL THAT IS. From our angle, you could see the ball leave his foot and travel along its perfectly straight trajectory into the corner. I knew immediately that Cech had absolutely no chance at saving it. Amazing. The cheering didn't stop for about five minutes.
We tell Ancelotti he's being sacked in the morning. We remind Chelsea that we have Cesc Fabregas. We shamelessly declare our love for Arsenal. We announce that this is, in fact, by far the greatest team the world has ever seen. It's an overpowering feeling. My brother is a good sport. Especially after Ivanovic scores what turns out to be a consolation header. I immediately regret not placing a bet on his prediction during half time. Especially because in the luxury boxes, pretty girls circulate around both before the match and during halftime to take your bets. I'm not even joking. (The lesson, as always, is to listen when Juan and Sam give you predictions.) The Chelsea fans are briefly invigorated by Ivanovic's goal, but their team simply cannot get ahold of the ball. We are Ole-ing like there's no tomorrow. There's one move that probably had nearly 40 passes in it. We should score at least three or four more. My father is screaming at Nasri and Diaby when they fail to take their chances. I think he may be on board the Gunner Express at this point. And in an atmosphere like this, how could you not be?
Indeed, we find ourselves on our feet, screaming encouragement with thousands of others as Song and Rosicky break towards the Chelsea goal right at the end. Final whistle. A mighty roar. Huge applause for the gunners. To their credit, the Chelsea players are gracious in defeat. Lampard, Terry, Drogba and Essien apologetically applaud the ten masochistic Chelsea fans that stayed to the end. "Movin' On Up" on the speakers. To quote the great Jack Buck, "I don't believe what I just saw."
We stop outside the stadium to take a few pictures. As you can see, it's dark and drizzly and the shots aren't great, but all I need is confirmation. I was here. This happened. "Please don't climb on the cannons." With this crowd, feeling the way it does, that's a joke. The walk back to the Tube takes a long time, but once we're at the station, the London Tube is efficient. Along the way, we pass pubs full of red and white. Everyone ecstatic. Some of my favorite songs from the evening were heard during this walk: "We beat the scum 3-1!" "La la la let's get f*ckin' wasted." And so on. Straight to the point.
When we get back to Victoria, I sleep for ten hours. The next morning, I'm still on a high. I get dressed and go down to the lobby. The hotel always has copies of the Guardian ("Ruthless Arsenal Come of Age to Turn Chelsea's Slump into a Crisis") and the Daily Telegraph ("The Real Deal: Arsenal Show Title Class with 3-1 Win Over Chelsea"). I grab one of each and walk down the street to a little Lebanese cafe/restaurant. It's Lebanese, but the cook fries up a mean English breakfast. I'm the only person in the place, and he sees what I'm reading. "Ah, Arsenal," he says. "Good result yesterday." "Yes it was," I say. Yes it was.
I hope everyone is having a great holiday, despite Arsenal's best efforts to ruin it. The panic button shouldn't be pushed yet, but I understand if you're hunched over the button with your arm raised and glancing around with crazy eyes.
This Saturday against Aston Villa, the Gooners have the opportunity to start off the weekend in amazing fashion. And I'm not referring to the three points. Those will be nice of course, but I'm most referring to timing of it all.
It's a long weekend, it's the holidays, and Arsenal is the opening ceremony. An Arsenal win means the United-Blackburn match is exceedingly more enjoyable. You get to be that guy at the bar wearing Arsenal red, oooh-ing and aah-ing obnoxiously over every Blackburn miss. You can drink your beer with a conspicuous air of entitlement, talk loudly about how, "Wayne seems to have lost a step", and still leave happy after United win 2-nil. The day has just begun.
After an early lunch of leftover turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes, the Serie A is there for dessert. AC Milan and their enigmatic all-stars face a tricky Sampdoria side to increase their lead atop the table. Then comes Juventus, or rather, the Milo Krasic show, on FSC. If you haven't tuned in to see Milo Krasic run circles around slow Serie A defenders, this is your chance. The Old Lady has a swagger about them lately, so lets hope they keep it up.
Before you drift off to sleep in the wonderful food comatose that can only occur this time of year, let Diego Forlan tuck you in. The World Cup's best player leads Atletico Madrid against Barcelona's younger brother, Espanyol. With rumors of a scoring drought, Doug E Fresh set the record straight against Osasuna, and ever since, he and Kun Aguero have been running trains on La Liga defenders.
On Sunday, Liverpool will beat Tottenham after Chelsea loses to Newcastle and the Rams, who are shockingly relevant this year, will pull out a nice road victory a mile in the air. You'll say goodbye to family, eat one more turkey sandwich for the road and wonder why you don't make 15 pound turkeys more often because the leftovers are so damn good. Unfortunately, it can't be replicated; it won't be same if it's not Nov 25th, but you knew that already.
None of these things will happen if Arsenal comes out and loses. So yeah, no pressure.
Here, drink this champagne, eat this hors d’oeuvre, and take a seat.I’m here to make things better.
Pay attention.
Let’s suppose that Chelsea, Manchester United, and Arsenal are the three favorites to win the title this year.Each team has played 14 matches so far, 7 at home, and 7 away.Chelsea and Utd lead the Prem with 28 points, and Arsenal are not far behind with 26.
Of the fourteen games played so far, all three teams have 6 opponents in common.They are: Liverpool, Manchester Citeh, Sunderland, West Brom, West Ham, and Wolves.
Whether home or away, Chelsea, United, and Arsenal have all faced the aforementioned teams.Here are the points earned for their shared opponents:
Chelsea - 9 points Man Utd – 12 pts Arsenal – 11 pts
This is important because not all wins and losses are the same at this stage of the season.When Arsenal go to the Eastlands and smash on Manchester Citeh, those three points have more inherent value than Chelsea’s home beat down of West Brom.At this point of the campaign, all three points are not created equal.
It’s less fun to analyze the season this way, but it’s the truth.Would any Gooner feel confident at Old Trafford for the final game of the season, top of the table by one point?Oh by the way, 2nd place Chelsea have West Ham at home…didn’t think so.
The key, as always, is expectations.Every manager knows this.Ian Holloway rested ten of his starters because Blackpool cannot be expected to get points away at Aston Villa, not when four days later West Ham comes to visit.Mick McCarthy did the same thing against United last year.Five days later his rested team beat Burnley. Ian earned a draw for his next game.
Granted, these are managers trying to avoid relegation, not win the Premier League, but what is a “good results” and what is a “bad result” still holds.Take a look at last year.Recall that Chelsea won the league with 86 points, Man United finished with 85 points, and Arsenal third, with 75.
Of the 38 fixtures every team plays, 14 of them are exceedingly tricky: home or away games against Arsenal, Chelsea, Man Utd, Liverpool, Man Citeh, Tottenham (12) and also away games at Aston Villa, and Everton (2).Twelve plus two makes for 14 critical fixtures in any team’s title chase*.Wondering how critical? – Just ask Arsenal.
Last year Arsenal earned just 14 points from the “tricky” fixtures while Chelsea and Man-U earned 24 and 22 respectively.Ouch.
Put this in a different way.For the 24 matches that a team such as Arsenal, Chelsea and Man-U are expected to win, they earned 61, 62, and 63 points respectively.No big difference.Not nearly the 14, 24 and 22 spread from the crucial fixtures.You earn your paycheck for the twenty-four regular matches; you get paid for the other fourteen.
So how is this season shaping up?Obviously I wouldn’t have gone through all this trouble if it didn’t mean good news for Arsenal… right?Right?
Each team has conveniently played 4 of their 12 tricky games so far this season:
Arsenal – 7 points Chelsea – 4 pts Man Utd – 6 pts
With such a limited sample size it’s tough to jump to any major conclusions.We’ll know more about Arsenal very soon; 3 of our next 5 games are Villa away, United away and Chelsea at home.
One detail, however, does stand out; Chelsea is in worse shape than the table shows.They’re trailing their peers on points against the same opponent as well as crucial fixtures.And even though they’re still top, a smart Chelsea fan would be worried that they haven’t met the expectations of a championship caliber team.
You know, a team that blows a 2 goal-lead, at home, to their biggest rival - that kind of championship team.Ugh, I think I’m gonna be sick again.
*It’s really 12 for a top team since they don't play themselves.
"It was a good day." In fact, it was a great football weekend. Let's recap...
I got my grub on, but didn't pig out; finally got a call from a girl I wanna dig out... Aston Villa 2 - 2 Manchester United. In a way, a United loss would have been pigging out - I don't think I'm alone in having the feeling that if they lost this one, they would bounce back with a five spot against Wigan next weekend. Instead, they get to maintain a false sense of security in their unbeaten run, and can ignore that they've been leapfrogged in the table, drawn two in a row, are relying on the likes of Park and Vidic to get them out of jail, and should have never even beaten Wolves last week. Ring ring. Hello, who's there? Oh, hey Aston Villa... are you telling me you're going to start playing like the side that routinely competes for fifth or sixth and gives the top teams trouble? So good to hear from you...
Looking in my mirror, not a jacker in sight - and everything is alright...
Manchester City 0 - 0 Birmingham City. As an Arsenal fan, please allow me to redirect something towards Citeh, something that every Arsenal hater has been telling me ad infinitum (and not without good reason) for the past few years: "these are the games you have to win to be a contender." Chelsea, Arsenal, and United are looking in their rear view mirrors, and they're increasingly unafraid of what they see. Saw the police, and they rolled right past me...
Juventus 1 - Roma 1. This is not so much a positive as it is an aversion of disaster (for both teams). All in all, a very entertaining match, and either side could have won (and either side could have had players booked or even sent off, especially near the end when it got chippy). But as it is, two good teams made sure they didn't lose big while going for the win, and two fine strikers added to their tally. Nobody got arrested, and the title remains a viable goal.
Woke her up around one, she didn't hesitate to call Ice Cube the top gun...
Barcelona 3 - 1 Villareal. I don't hesitate to call Leo Messi the top gun, and neither should you. Two goals from him (he's so good, that I expect him to score his first the way he does now... he's officially patented the double give and go, and we're all spoiled for it), and the Blaugrana got to sit top for about 24 hours.
Today was like one of those fly dreams...
Chelsea 0 - 3 Sunderland. The kind of fly dream where Sunderland drop three goals. On Chelsea. At Stamford Bridge. Three well-deserved goals, might I add. It was the kind of fly dream in which Ashley Cole passes it directly to the other team to set up an icing-on-the-cake goal. Well played, Steve Bruce. Well played Danny Welbeck and Asamoah Gyan. And extremely well played Nedum Onuoha, doing his best Messi imitation for the opener. Mmm, positively dreamy.
Even saw the lights of the Goodyear Blimp, and it read: "Ice Cube's a pimp."
Hercules 2 - 1 Real Sociedad and Atletico Madrid 3 - 0 Osasuna. The Goodyear Blimp being La Liga (make of that what you will), and the shining lights being two TLOCA favorites, David Trezeguet (captured in the act of reasoning with the ball and convincing it that the goal is its proper home) and Diego Forlan, who got back on target for their respective sides. That's just a nice bonus, and a reminder that class is permanent. When Trez and Forlan go to sleep at night, they see their names on that blimp.
Drunk as hell, but no throwing up...
Everton 1 - 2 Arsenal. Arsenal continue to grind out tough wins on the road while surrendering easy ones at home. We scored two classy goals (Bacary!?!), and got a little too comfortable. But despite getting drunk and reeling a bit at the end, Lukasz Fabianski provided the voice of reason and prevented us from pulling the trigger and losing two points. We may have a bit of a hangover tomorrow, but thank goodness we didn't boot all over Goodison Park. Although we wouldn't have been the first to do it.
Dan Quayle would be proud of this fellow. For the neutral observer, it was a fantastic weekend of football. As an Arsenal supporter, it wasn't so great; I'll just quickly say a few words about that stinker against Newcastle and it's this: no excuses. We put out almost as strong a squad as we could; no Vermaelen or fit RVP, but whatever, this is almost as good as it gets. Cesc, Nasri, Wilshere, Walcott, Chamakh, Song. We should be scoring. And at home, we must be winning with that lineup. MUST. OK, rant over. Now, a few thoughts:
(1) Fernando Torres took two enormous bites of the mango this weekend. And with cool, slightly sticky mango juice spilling down his handsome chin, he lit a fire under Liverpool. For the first half, they looked like the squad their teamsheet has always threatened to be - killing themselves for every ball in midfield, working hard, defending as a unit, smothering Chelsea, and letting El Nino do his thing up front. That was so much fun to watch. It certainly made the poop sandwich (with a side of Andy Carroll and Joey Barton) I had just swallowed a half hour before that much easier to digest. In the second half, Chelsea had an Arsenal kind of day, lots of possession, lots of dallying, and then, when they finally got the ball into dangerous positions, they wasted their chances or were thwarted by excellent goalkeeping. I felt their pain.
(2) Roma won what might be the most intense, ill-tempered derby in football right now against league-leaders Lazio. (Frankly, I'd be too terrified to attend one of these matches.) You know Francesco Totti is nearing the end when I'm slightly relieved to see him not on the teamsheet. Also, I'm sorry to say it, but Muslera really should do better with Boriello's miserable excuse for a penalty. Good thing they had Vucinic take the second one. Who, by the way, has the angriest, most bizarre, goal celebrations around right now. He's the best.
(3) This brings me to my next point: the Serie A is bonkers. With all the focus on the EPL and La Liga, it's easy to forget that an Italian club won the CL last year. If I'm a club in the Champions League, I want no part of Inter, Roma, or Milan this year. All three clubs, while flawed, are completely unpredictable, and I could easily see one of them going to the final this year. Don't look now, but they're all on track to make the knockouts...
(4) La Liga wants no part of the (relative) parity taking hold of the EPL, Serie A, or Bundesliga (actual parity, there). But that's OK, because Mourinho vs. Barca is good fun. Juan predicted that the title returns to Madrid this year, and frankly, it's hard to argue with him. In fact, I think I'll go one better: Mourinho wins the treble with Madrid, and then leaves within the next two years to replace Fergie at Man United. It's happening.
(5) Speaking of which... Ji-Sung Park? Surely United cannot keep this up. If they somehow stay competitive for the title, then Fergie has definitely refinanced the third mortgage on his soul.
Harsh, hateful words from the fictional Sr. Guardiola, the use of which I in no way condone. In every other way, hilariously spot-on. And now, the week in review:
1) Tomas Rosicky should never, ever come near an Arsenal penalty again. Why Chamakh, whose primary purpose in life is the scoring of goals, or Nasri, who has ice water pumping through his gangster, Marseilles-ghetto veins, didn't take that spot kick against Sunderland I'll never know. Arsene was similarly nonplussed.
2) Sam Allardyce may be on some dangerous, hard drugs. The man is seriously delusional.
3) Manchester United are, in fact, somewhat fragile at the back. The discipline and steel of past years is missing. Evans and O'Shea are, quite frankly, not very good at the moment. Or as the English say: "crap."
4) However, Dimitar Berbatov is settling in quite nicely, thank you very much. Cruising along, smooth as a big body Lexus, he put in another finishing master class. Haters gon' hate, and Berba don't care. Get that money, Berba. Buy yourself another Argentina replica jersey. Maybe go for Spain this time, actually.
5) Barthalona and Real Mourinho are both capable of ugly, gutsy wins. But as Juan mentioned with regard to Barca last week, when you put out those lineups, you expect to win at any cost, by any means. See above cartoon.
6) Zlatan Ibrahimovic is probably a sociopath. Maybe he's so humorless and borderline autistic because he's constantly being scrutinized and criticized despite being one of the most prolific goalscorers in Europe. (See above cartoon.) Something I like to call Anelka Syndrome. But it's much more likely that he's just a huge jerk regardless of what the press says about him. At any rate, he's still really good at scoring goals, especially when his feet are firmly planted on Italian soil.
7) Having Florent Malouda as the captain of your fantasy EPL team has been a very good idea. Not to pat myself on the back or anything. But seriously, we won't learn anything new about Chelsea until next weekend's trip to the City of Manchester Stadium. I'm hoping (as always) for a Wayne Bridge winner that deflects off John Terry's groin.
8) Roma were clearly demoralized by how last season ended, and they look stuck in preseason mode. That squad is more than capable of winning the league this year. Frankly, it's confusing. And the pressure may be getting to the tinkerman.
9) It's official: there's something seriously wrong with Fernando Torres. I know I'm about three months too late with that obvious announcement, but I was willing to overlook his subpar World Cup display due to his injury struggles (and the general overhype that accompanies every star into a new tournament after performing fantastically at their last tournament - in this case, Euro 2008). But he really does not look like himself. (I believe) he won the penalty and the free kick that gave Liverpool a way back into the Northwest Derby, but anyone who watched that entire match knows that something is up.
10) Everybody should move to Barcelona (see Juan's excellent dispatch from the Camp Nou below). Beautiful football, beautiful women, and delicious sandwiches (mostly likely prepared by beautiful women and then enjoyed whilst watching beautiful football). Sigh. Get the couch bed ready, good sir.
At around 10:15 today I yawned, took another swig of Guinness, and felt for the void. It was gone. Soccer was back. Tottenham and Manchester City played what might be the most exciting nil-nil draw I can remember. In summary, Joe Hart made Robert Green and David James look like drunken hobos. Next up was Everton vs. Blackburn. After ten minutes of boring play, and worse, sharp pink Everton jerseys burning my retinas, it was time to change the channel. When Ted and I arrived at the Aston Villa game it was 1-nil to Villa and already they were on their 9th corner. The play flowed nicely, Villa's checkered-trim jerseys pleased the eyes, and the defense was abject. A professional finish from James Milner turned Villa park into a swimming pool and the commentators cued up nostalgic, "Is this the last goal for James Milner in a Villa jersey? :( " questions.
This is no time for a rant, but James Milner leaving Villa for Saudi oil money is wrong in every sporting way. He is a hero at Villa and a key contributor for a competitive squad. The only foreseeable upgrade for him is wages, and the cost is likely to be all sporting aspects that kids dream about when they say they want to be a professional footballer. These kids have obviously never been paid. But this story is as close as you can get to formulating an equation for the price of greatness, as it were. For an extra 20% on his salary, Milner is no longer adored, no longer a hero, no longer "the guy", and who knows if he'll still start next year. I'm sure Adebayor thought he'd be a regular too. That's probably a bad comparison though, because he was never adored. (We've got Arshavin...something something Adebayor)
Anyway. Milner is surely off to join the other 45 over-paid mercenaries at Manchester Citeh. Only 25 of which, are relevant. Grill up a sausage, pick up some toasted ravioli and a dollop of the best German garlic-mustard I have ever had was the lunch menu during the Chelsea - blank fixture.
The commentators, as if watching a horse be put down, introduced the West-Brom lineup. "Well this is unlucky for West Brom -- the fixture computer drawing them against Chelsea." Ha! As if the title holders were going to open against anything other than a punching bag. Six-nil was my call - I have a witness - and it made me no money because I put nothing on it. In fact, after Chelsea's inexcusable second goal, the product of a gaping wall, it was nap time. "And its FOUR for Chelsea... ... Five-nil to the champions... ... Well taken for SIX".
It wasn't the greatest nap, though I did wake up refreshed. The Bolton-Fulham replay came on; we already knew the outcome and immediately turned it off.
"We just conquered seven hours of soccer and it feels great," Ted said. "I'll see you tomorrow."
It was, ultimately, a happy Sunday to culminate the emotional roller coaster that was the English Premier League this year. Arsenal went out with some flare to finish third, ManUnited failed to win a record 4th consecutive domestic title, and Chelsea forced Wigan to reenact 2-girls, 1-cup while they celebrated in front of their fans. At the beginning of the year it seemed obvious that Chelsea would win the trophy but that in no way diminished the ride. Here are the end of the season awards for the EPL:
Coach of the Year Alex Ferguson (ManUtd) - He sold Cristiano Ronaldo and Carlos Tevez - only 33% of his offensive output from the year before - and managed to increaseUnited'stotal number of goals this year by 27% (68 last year to 86 this year). It makes no sense to me either. Valencia and Nani blossomed while Wayne Rooney performed criminal acts with his finishing. Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes returned from the dead and even Michael Owen earned his manager 3 points, albeit well into Fergie-time. This team was supposed to struggle this year. Instead they finished 1 point from a record breaking 4th consecutive Premier League title.
Rookie of the year Thomas Vermaelen (Arsenal) - This was the easiest pick of the bunch. Vermaelen started 33 games at center-back for Arsenal, scored 7 goals and even had one assist. His goals weren't exactly all headers either. The cold dead eyes of the dutch assassin carried Arsenal's porous back-line before finally getting injured much the same way an engine breaks down when you ask it to tow 4 thousand pounds of dead weight up a mountain. Welcome to the EPL Thomas, er, I mean, EPL, welcome to Thomas Vermaelen.
Super-Sub of the Year Roman Pavlyuchenko (Tottenham) - he had 6 goals when used as a substitute including a stretch in February where he complained about playing time, got some playing time, scored 3 goals in 2 games as a sub, then scored 2 more when allowed to start. 'Appy 'Arry Redknapp isn't the sharpest tool in the shed.
Defensive Player of the Year Patrice Evra (ManUtd) - Ivica Olic begs to differ but these aren't the Champions League awards. United conceded the least amount of goals in the Prem and with Rio, Vidic and Wes Brown all missing significant chunks of time and footballing skills, Patrice played 38 of 38 games. He's from Senegal so that means he gets to play for France in the World Cup.
Most Improved Player Cesc Fabregas (Arsenal) - Now before you accuse me of being biased, take a look at the numbers. Last year he recorded 3 goals and 8 assists in the Prem and this year he scored 15 goals and had 13 assists. He did play 4 more games this year but that's still quite a jump in statistics with arguably less proven talent this year than last. The only players close to those improvements is Flourent Malouda with 12 goals and 8 assists this year compared to 6 goals and 5 assists last year and of course Mr. Wayne Rooney, 26/3 this year vs 12/7 last year.
Most Valuable Player Wayne Rooney (Man Utd) - No player accounted for a bigger percentage of their team's offensive output this year than Wayne. He scored 27 of their 86 goals, and if you go by the book, he technically accounted for 8 game-winning-goals earning united 24 of their 85 points. He carried the team during the dog days of the year and more so than Didier Drogba was Rooney the most valuable player on his team. He leaves the season with a gimpy groin, a touchy ankle and the weight of an entire nation on his shoulders going into the World Cup. Without David Beckham, TLOCA wonders who England will blame for their World Cup failures.Until then.
Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse for Arsenal this season, they (1) lost their best defender for the remainder of the season and (2) lost to a team that hadn't won a league game against them for over a decade. Oh yeah, and it was Spurs. I really don't want to talk about it.
Chelsea also ground out a 1-0 win in a game they could have easily lost 2-1 if the referee hadn't decided that playing the ball with your hand in the area was acceptable. So barring the most miraculous/bizarre turn of events, they're cruising for the Double. Liverpool, the only member of the "Big Four" that I didn't really loathe is up for sale and essentially out of the CL, to be replaced by either Spurs (shudder) or Man City, which is quickly becoming almost as unlikable (and scary) as its neighbor. So the forces of evil triumph again.
In Spain, Barca hold a three point advantage which is quickly looking insurmountable. And anyway, it's just Madrid in the mix. Everyone else is like a million points behind.
So again, I feel stupid for asking Juan why I should care about the Serie A at the beginning of the season. Indeed, it's got my full attention now. There are three teams with legitimate shots at the title. Juve are fighting for their CL lives, and a lot more manfully than their current "Big Four" English counterpart in Liverpool. I hope they get there - the CL doesn't feel right without Alex del Piero curling in delightful free kicks and generally wreaking more havoc than you ever thought a 35 year old 5'8" Italian could cause on a football pitch. Forza Juve. Forza Roma. Let's make this a season to remember.
Unbelievable week of football. Maybe the most entertaining I've ever seen, and that says a lot, considering my bias and the fact that Arsenal only played once and got smashed. Let's take a look at what went down, in order of what I most want to talk about:
1) Roma went top of the league in the Serie A. Which is kind of amazing, especially when one considers the way they started the season; at the end of November, they had lost five of their ten league matches and accumulated a measly eleven points. They were in relegation territory. They haven't lost any of their 23 matches since then. They've defeated Inter, Juve, and Fiorentina. And yet it's been a sneaky climb to the top. Until this moment, I've seen very little in the soccer media world that has mentioned them. Roma aren't really a flashy club, and media coverage has reflected that: they don't have the superstar names of Milan, the self-promotion of Signore Mourinho, or the morbidly fascinating self-destruction of Juve. But I've always considered Roma my Serie A club of choice, although I admittedly don't follow that league as closely as a certain co-author of this blog. Nevertheless, it would be nice to see them win something. I've always rated Vucinic very highly, Totti is a living legend, Luca Toni (an excellent loan signing) deserves a Scudetto for his years of excellent service to the game and to Juan's love of flowing Italian hair, and despite having John Arne Riise and Julio Baptista draped around its neck, the club has somehow found a way to succeed (kidding, mostly, but hey, any opportunity to reference this). Juan (not ours, the Brazilian CB) and Burdisso have stopped leaking goals, which bodes well for both the Brazilian and Argentinian national squads. Even Mexes has looked decent in his limited appearances.
A lot of the credit has to go to Claudio Ranieri, perhaps the most underappreciated manager in world football. This is the man who built Chelsea into a serious force, only to have a certain "Special One" swoop in and take them to the next level. This is the man who led Juve to third place after the club spent a year in the Serie B (anyone who thinks they were finishing higher than that after a year of second division competition is nuts) and then second the next year. Since he's been fired, look how well things have worked out (OK, a little better in the last couple weeks, but still dicey). At any rate, if Roma somehow pull this off, it'll be one of the greatest turnarounds in football history, and Ranieri will get the league title his career so richly deserves. Last year, I only half-jokingly asked Juan why anyone should care about the Italian league. This is why.
2) Messi curb-stomped a depleted Arsenal and in so doing, seriously entered the discussion for GOAT (as if he weren't already there before). Pretty well-tread turf, this, so I'll just move on, but before I do: Xavi. My lord. More on this man later.
3) Man United had an awful week, especially by their standards of recent years. Dumped out of the CL (after coming out like a house on fire), possibly losing Rooney for a few more games, and then drawing against lowly Blackburn yesterday. The game against Bayern was delightful if you were a neutral (or perhaps holding a grudge of some kind, don't know why you would), but totally heartbreaking and demoralizing for United supporters. They wasted Nani's greatest performance in a United shirt (at times I thought Fergie brought back Cristiano and dressed him up like Michael Jackson) and Rooney's fragile ankle for a punch straight to the gut courtesy of one Arjen Robben. And what a punch, might I add. That strike, especially along with Robben's rapidly receding hairline, gave me deja vu.
I just have a few more things to add (cue Cartman voice): Oh nooo, your squad played well and yet was eliminated? You've suffered unfortunate injuries to key players? Awww. Your strikers somehow can't find the net, despite a wealth of chances? Oh bummerrrr. People are scoring wondergoals against you? You're losing or drawing key games at the worst possible time? Welcome to my world, welcome to my hell, Manchester United supporters.
4) Xavi orchestrated an excellent Barca performance to defeat Madrid in El Clasico for the fourth time running. This means Pep has won every meeting between the clubs since he took over. Messi got the opener and Pedro finished the second very well, but for me, Xavi was the standout player on the pitch. A lot of people talk about Messi as the second coming of Maradona, but Xavi is the second coming of... well, actually, it's hard to say. Zidane? He certainly can control a midfield like Zizou. Platini? His passes are inch-perfect like the original French maestro. But he doesn't score as much as either one. And he's 5'7" (same as Iniesta, and something I frequently forget). Hmm... Guardiola? Nah, Pep was more defensive-minded. And Xavi's better. Ah, forget it, comparisons like this are stupid. I'll just say that in twenty years, we'll be talking about current players and trying to figure out which one is the second coming of Xavi. And that's about the highest praise possible.
5) Maybe Villa midfielder James Milner John Terry-ed John Terry and slept with Mrs. Terry while she was taking some time away from the "Dad of the Year." That's the only explanation I can imagine for this absolutely horrendous challenge by the Chelsea captain in the FA Cup semifinal. Also, look at Terry inititally pretend like he's the one injured and then protest the yellow card (when instead he should have been showered with about ten reds - also, how awesome would it be if instead of just showing the red card, the referee grabbed a handful and literally threw them onto the player like confetti for particularly egregious behavior?). Keep it classy, JT.
6) Let's all laugh at Spurs and send a high-class Thai hooker to Avram Grant for overseeing Pompey's shock FA Cup semifinal victory. Relegated after Saturday's result, they somehow played their way into a second day out at Wembley a few hours ago. Well played, gentlemen. Well played, indeed.
Whenever I want to feel dumb I seek out the cartoons of the New Yorker. I fully understand a cartoon at an average that would embarrass even Alphonso Soriano. The mind games are rampant as well. "Oh that's funny, I get that one... ...wait, do I get it? That seemed too easy... I probably don't get it - let me read this a few more times to see if there is something more clever."
Whenever I want to feel smart, I check out the recaps at Soccernet of games I watched . They did not let me down: The headline would be brilliant in it's sarcasm if only the story beneath it was in any way concordant. But this is football in England and complaints of physical play is the worst kind of faux pas.
I am of course referring to two of the most obvious fouls witnessed in recent memory. This was more egregious than when Fletcher slid into Arshavin and cradled the ball in his arms in the box and far more obvious than the Henry double tap-that. The first foul was Thiago Motta on Ivanovic and the second was Walter Samuel on Didier Drogba. Both were in the box.
If a director were to recreate the scene, the conversation would go something like this: OK. Ivanovic stole the purse of an old lady, you, Thiago, can only use his arm to get him to the ground. Go! [Thiago proceeds with both of his hands to grab Ivanovic's arm and after some pulling and yanking, eventually gets Ivanovic to the turf] [End scene]. The second foul, with Samuel neutralizing Drogs, looked something like this. It is quite obvious that Inter sought to ruffle a few feathers on the Chelsea side and the result was a first half that looked like Terry Tate vs. Chelsea Office Workers - with Mourinho playing the role of Ron Felcher.
There is no doubt that if this were Arsenal and fouls like that went uncalled I would be beside myself. And the replay of the Samuel's form tackle on Drogba even had the commentators blushing. But there is also no doubt that Arsene would mention both incidents in a condescending way in the post-game conference, so while I'm not blaming Carlo Ancelotti for his lack of complaints, no comment is the same as no concern.
The only one who seems to be outraged is Drogba. This is the same person who was punished for calling the officials a disgrace when very few had done so last year and it's the same striker who again let his emotions get the better of him. He decided he had been run into enough, elbowed enough, clawed enough and kicked too many times and with no referee protection, can you really blame him for standing up for himself? I don't. At least not this time.
And so the Chelsea Champions League Curse continues.
Also, Ashley Cole's wife kinda looks like a younger, English Eva Longoria. I know it's all about the thrill and danger of conquest and the whole "I am awesome and this woman throwing herself at me is tangible proof" mindset that really makes this happen (see Woods, Tiger and every famous and/or powerful man throughout the history of mankind). But if you just google "Cheryl Cole" or "Cheryl Tweedy," it's hard not to ask yourself what the hell Cashley was thinking.
With the Champions League finally back this week it's time to look at the state of the English Premier League. So, as per the table:
Chelsea - 58 pts I was hoping to title this post, John Terry Wants To Have Your Abortion, with this fabulous picture to match. My favorite headline is far and away, "Chelsea captain Terry delighted with another clean sheet." You see Mr. Terry doesn't fancy protection and well... you get it right?
Anyway, can Terry and his boys go the distance is the question United and Arsenal wait to find out. And only United have any more say in the matter head-to-head on April 3rd. Chelsea's upcoming games are: win, City, win, win, win, Aston Villa, at United, win, at Tottenham, win, at Liverpool, win.
Everton, in their incredible form as of late, beat Chelsea last week and kept the Prem interesting. But perhaps there are more points to be miscarried with at least five more non-guaranteed games coming up. The climax of this season could get a bit sticky for Mr. Terry and recent deadline transfers James Westfall and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.
Manchester United - 57 points United have been my surprise of the season so far. I wagered a cheap jersey of choice that Rooney wouldn't score 15 goals this season in the EPL. He has 21 with fourteen games to go. My only way out of this wager is if United doesn't finish in the top two as I required that his success must also lead to United success. So, needless to say I didn't see this coming at all.
Rooney has carried this squad for every league game thus far and his absurd form has England fans in rapture when they think about the World Cup. He grabbed his ankle a few games back and the announcer half-joked that all of England was holding their breath. A few moments passed and he chuckled nervously as even he realized he might be right. I have yet to see a striker in the past 5 years look so confident and so comfortable in front of goal as Rooney in domestic play. We're in Ruud and Raul territory here. This hurts me. Moving on.
Valencia and more so, Nani, seem to be coming around and with Ferguson's genius coupled with Carrick's anti-football United are still in it. Their upcoming games are: at Everton, win, win, win, Liverpool, win, Chelsea, win, at City, Tottenham, win, win.
In earnest I don't expect Everton to help out anymore than they already have, but at City could be interesting. In reality this unstoppable red and indebted train has only Chelsea in their path. As much as I want to talk myself into Pool and City and Tottenham posing a threat, I just can't do it.
Arsenal - 52 pts TLOCA has turned their attention to the Champions League as the last trophy we have a good chance at hoisting. I refuse to get suckered into the EPL again. Not gonna do it. Well... I guess we can look at their remaining games: win, win, win, win, win, win, win, at Tottenham, win, City, win, win.
Oh no. It's happening. I can't believe it, but yes, if we get 32 points out of our remaining 14 games the EPL is ours. We're still alive. We are. Seriously, we are.
Liverpool - 44 pts I am confident they will remain in the Top 4. If vegas would give me better than 11/10 that they will I'd throw something on it, but even money is not worth shite. Upcoming: at City (!!), blah, blah, blah, at United, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Chelsea, blah.
Liverpool have a real opportunity here to propel Arsenal to the top in their quest to remain in the top 4. So again, I'm confident (looking at you gimpy Torres) that Liverppol will remain in the top 4.
Manchester City - 44 points - Two (!) games in hand. Greedy-bayooooooooooooorrr, Greedy-bayooooooOOOOOR. His dad has a lowly profession and his mum is a whore.
I have no issues calling someone's mother a whore. My issue is with the racial undertones of chanting that his father washes elephants. Juventus got absolutely skewered when they sang "There's never been a black Italian" (or directly translated to, there's never been an italian born black) and English teams should get some negative press for singing the Adebayor song too. Show me the video of Ade running 100 yards to celebrate his mediocre goal and I'm liable to change my mind and throw something sharp, but for now I don't like the chant.
Here's the reason why I don't think City can hold on: blah , Liverpool, Chelsea, Tottenham, -, -, -, -, -, United, Arsenal, Villa, -
That's brutal. And that's the thing about the top four - you have to beat them to get there. It sounds stupid to say, but Arsenal don't have to play Arsenal two times a year. And obviously what I mean is that Arsenal have 6 games against top 4 opponents, City have 8. And if you're City you haven't earned the respect to have McCarthy send out 11 training ground players and concede three points. Teams believe they can beat you, and thus try harder. Belonging in the Top 4 is like being a New York Times Bestseller. Did you earn it, or is the fact that you're labeled one make it easier to be one. .... Yeah. Anyway, that made sense when I started the sentence. ____________
Porto on Wednesday and frankly I love, but am not in love with, a 4-nil thrashing that allows my new lust Carlos Vela some playing time in the second leg. Come on Carlitos!
And emphatically, might I add. My brother, a Chelsea supporter, accused me over Thanksgiving of irrationally hating on Chelsea with the joint post that Juan and I put up a few days ago. Well, that's absolutely true - I hate Chelsea. But as I tried to explain, it's not the kind of hate that could be described as disdain or loathing. It's the kind of hate that the Arab states had (and mostly still have) for Israel. The kind you had in second grade for the playground bully. I'm talking about the good old fashioned kind of hate: the kind born of fear.
Today, everyone saw exactly why I feel this way. Chelsea put on an absolute clinic in how to deal with Arsenal. Soak up the pressure. Be patient. Don't try to win the possession battle, because you can't. But make sure that almost everyone is behind the ball, especially when it gets anywhere near the box. Pump balls forward. And whenever possible, whip a low cross into the six yard box and trust that William Gallas will mismanage it 1 out of 5 times. Oh, and have Didier Drogba. That strategy helps a lot.
Chelsea supporters should be really excited about this team. It's true that the ACN will deprive them of some key players, including the aforementioned Drogba, but their schedule during that period isn't overwhelming. They have yet to really suffer the key injuries which have afflicted all three of the other "Big Four" clubs. They're incredibly well organized and they have explosive talent that can win games at any moment. Again, the football isn't the prettiest, but it's incredibly effective. And it's hard to argue about the aesthetics of Drogba's second, which was a beautiful, perfectly placed free-kick, reminiscent of Cristiano or Thierry in his prime. The announcer summed it up perfectly after the opener, though. "Same old story: Arsenal play the football, Chelsea have the goal." And so it goes.
That's Chelsea. Grind, grind, grind. Bully the bad teams. Stifle the good ones. Churning through the league like a diamond-headed drill. Just look at that team picture. Have you ever seen a more unlikable assembly of athletes? (Juan contributes below) Look at Ashley Cole's tiny head. He's ready to whine about anything and everything. Look at John Terry's half-smirk. Look at Didier Drogba's dead-eyed stare. Anelka isn't even in this picture, but just go ahead and imagine him making this face. I think the only players I would want on my team from a personal standpoint are Essien and MAYBE Joe Cole (Lampard I admire, and he seems to have matured a lot, but I can't get over the fact that he taunted American tourists on 9/11... pretty low). That being said, you can also look at that picture and see men hungry for trophies. They're selfish and unlikeable, yes, but they'll do anything to get their hands on something shiny. And they're wonderful footballers. Anelka looks lively, Drogba is deadly, Lampard and Ballack dominate midfields, Terry and Carvalho have reemerged as the top central pairing of Premier League defending. It's a team of grizzled mercenaries with a big job to do. And they're doing it quite well at the moment.
Here's Juan's take; Is Chelsea the least likable team in the world? I think so, and it begins with their players:
Anelka - He needs no hyperbole; his nickname is Le Sulk. The Champions League miss makes him unlikable even to Chelsea fans. Just look at his body language, the man could not care less. His celebrations are trite and worse, lame. Really? A bird? Perhaps a butterfly? If I had to convince you that Anelka is boring and genuinely unpleasant then this post will fall on deaf ears and moreover, a crazy person's ears.
Ivanovic - Quite possibly the dirtiest player in the EPL. I would love to give him that title for all of Europe but there has to be some other miserable asshole worse than him in the Scottish Premier League.
Ashley Cole - Um, yeah; his nickname is Cuntly Cole and he has a more awful attitude than Rihanna pre-Chris Brown's attitude adjustment camp. He never stops complaining and is universally reviled. This is too easy.
Petr Cech - Why is he still wearing that absurd soft-helmet? His accident happened years and years ago. I don't know much about him but the helmet is annoying, that can't be denied.
Michael Ballack - Fans of Germany like Ballack but that sort of proves my point. Ballack has earned no fans from his time at Chelsea. Nobody watches the Premier League and says, hey that Michael Ballack, I like how he never smiles, doesn't seem all that committed and berates refs and teammates. He's uptight and if I wanted I could argue that he has horrendously underachieved in England.
John Obi Mikel - Find me a Mikel jersey outside of Nigeria. I'm not being facetious either, nobody owns a Mikel jersey that they didn't buy on clearance or wasn't a gift from UN peacekeepers.
Didier Drogba - Even though you must respect this ruthless and gifted footballer, it is nearly impossible to like him. The slap, his entire saga with Avram Grant and Scolari. He has to sleep in the bed he's made and when you pwn 80% the premier league and half of Europe you'll tend to be hated by opposing fans. He wants it this way though, make no mistake.
Jose Bosingwa - I actually don't mind him all that much but if Carlos Tevez can fix his horrible burn on the side of his face than surely Jose can shave the worst unibrow in football.
Deco - Eh. Undoubtedly boring is this man. I was excited for him at first but now he reminds me of interest rates or another season of Friends. Ricardo Carvalho goes here too.
Michael Essien- I like him. Since his DUI he's been MIA but hey, he's at least likable I suppose. So if you've been keeping count then we're left with Frank Lampard and John Terry as the most exciting players on Chelsea. They're certainly the face of Chelsea but let's go ahead an eliminate Terry because I can't think of one single center-back that is authentically moving. Center-backs can't be exciting, sorry. So yeah, Frank Lampard, he's uh, thrilling, just breathtaking to watch... uh no.
[Back to you Jim]
For Arsenal, today was a big wake up call, but it's not the end of the world to lose away to Sunderland. That being said, if the Young Guns want any shot at the league this year, they need to win next Sunday. No excuses, no complaints. I also recognize that Chelsea are going to lose key players for the ACN, but they have a very deep squad (and Arsenal will be losing Alex Song, who is rapidly demonstrating that he might be the most irreplaceable player other than Cesc - who else on the team can play that position?). United are still legitimate, but Chelsea are the real threat. Thus, if we don't win, we better start eyeing the Carling, FA, or Champions League.
I was 90 seconds away from calling the Chelsea v. Hull City fiasco. I had even parlayed my Hull prediction into a full post from Jim with the title, "why Juan is smarter than me." Drogba left me with nothing instead. Damn you Didier.
Then Hull went and got worked over by Tottenham, more on them later, making my top table prediction a foolhardy one. Fear not Hull-ites, only 2 of your next 12 games are against top 6 teams (from last year of course). That's partly why I predicted you'd get off to a hot start, but hey, I'm just a crazy asshole anyway right! (sigh. so bitter...)
What we knew;
Michael Owens does in fact, suck. Moreover, United's woes in front of goal is no fluke. Their goal totals in the Premiership over the last three championship years are in decline - 83, 80, and 68 last year. This is with Cristiano, of course, and he's kind of a goal-scorer. This year they're on pace for 19! Arsenal, on the other hand, is on pace for 190. This analysis makes it clear that United will struggle this year and Arsenal will break every record imagineable. Annnnnnd... done.
TLOCA is a bit pessimistic when it comes to Arsenal. I'll come down off the ledge if we get three from a starving Portsmouth team this weekend and I'll buy you a drink if we beat United in 2 weeks. Until then, I'm enjoying the breeze up here.
Chelsea is really annoying. FFLampard hasn't even gotten going yet.
Adebayor loves money.
What we didn't know
That Arsenal's Denilson and Song have been doing work in the offseason. I would have thrown Bendtner in there as well but he played as himself against Celtic. Arsenal's successes this year have come without key contributors; Arshavin has been solid but stymied in the final third and the same goes for Van Persie. Fabregas has clearly stepped up to the challenge but he tends to get off to hot starts. The EPL has and always will be about depth and the final half of the season so let's not crown Arsenal yet.
Tottenham looks very crisp. They've created 50 scoring chances in two games and look unfortunately fluid in attack mode. Aaron Lennon looks like he's made a jump and so does Jermaine Defoe. I don't like this one bit.
That Birmingham and Burnley would look so frisky. Birmingham surprised me with their poise and build-up against United in their 1 nil loss and Burnley did the unthinkable just a few days ago. The confounder here is that they both looked good against United so we'll have to wait a few more games to absolve them of relegation talks.
There have been 16 games played thus far and none of them have ended in a draw. Last year, 26.3% of matches ended a draw. That's kind of weird**, no?
This weekend;
Arsenal vs. Portsmouth - No points in two games and the schedule doesn't get easier for the Mouth. They have Citeh, Bolton, Aston Villa, Everton, Wolves, Tottenham coming up - all losable games. Ouch.
Birmingham vs. Stoke - The friskies collide to see who will be crowned most frisky.
Citeh vs. Wolves - The more we all see Manchester City, the better.
Wigan vs. ManUtd - a must-win this early in the season? More on this in a future post.
Liverpool vs Aston Villa (monday) - my guess is we'll leave with no further answers about either team but thoroughly entertained.
Until then
____________________________________________ **In fact, the probability of 16 games all ending with a win/loss result is .0076, or, under 1 in a 100 chance. 1 in 128 to be exact.
Chelsea 1, Aston Villa 0 This is the beginning of Villa's brutal schedule. To their credit they do have quite the Nelly feat. Kelly Rowland. They need to balance the Uefa Cup this year and try to maintain a top 4 table position for the Champions League next year. If you're thinking they can do both then you're kidding yourself so throw that out the window. And while it may seem like a no-brainer to go for the Champions League qualifying spot, ask Arsenal and Chelsea what its like to go for the glory and get nothing in return. Moreover, it feels odd for a team such as Aston Villa to blow off the Uefa Cup when they've showed such patience to get here in the first place. The unfortunate fact for them is that it appears they're trying to do both and again, only those bastards at Manchester United have that kind of depth.
Aside - I just read a poorly written story on soccernet (shocking, I know) about Rooney calling for the quadruple. It made me nauseated for two reasons. The first is that I throw around "quadruple" when I'm drunk at parties and trying to instigate belligerance. The second is that United are one game (Carling), one formality (the League now that Liverpool lost again), one repeat (The Chammmmmpions) and a lucky draw (the FA cup) from actually succeeding. That sentence was very wordy but I'm trying to say that they're very, very close to making this happen. I'm talking about the quadruple here folks and I'm not drunk nor trying to instigate a fight. Sick to my stomach indeed.
Anyway, I turned on this game (Aston Villa-Chelsea if I've lost you with my ramblings) in the 60th minute and hear from the announcers that a, "superb finish" from Anelka has Chelsea on top. Ugh. I go to 101greatgoals.com just to see it and I guess it was alright. This is of course after Jim just credited Anelka and I conceded mentally to his current EPL prowess. Double sigh. 1-nil against Aston, great! Yikes, did I really think that? I did. I even talked about how bad it feels to root against Villa later that day with Jim. Whatever, when they had chances I still instinctually wanted them to level.
Chelsea holds on and I promise that an Arsenal win will justify my elitism. Segway.
Arsenal 0, Sunderland 0 The debut of my obsession, my hope, my light, Andrei Arshavin. 10 minutes in Arshavin cuts in from the corner of the box and rips a venemous shot. It was saved without too much glamour but I get goosebumps when I see the replay and imagine what could have been. Wait a second? Did Arshavin just shoot the ball? I'm sure that will be corrected by Wenger soon enough. No shooting allowed on this squad, more on this later. I continue to gush over every pass and to my credit, he does pass a really nice ball. Always well weighted. Wenger takes him out at the 61st minute - I knew Arsene wouldn't give me 90 but I'm just being emotional now - and I finally blink. On my way back down to earth I realize that hey, it's nil-nil and we kinda, wait, really need these three points. No need to fear, Nicklas Bendtner is in. That is to say, clearly this game ends 0-0. I sign on to TLOCA and see that we have a comment! I poop my pants a little when I see that someone has commented on the blog. It's Jake, he's rubbing in Arsenal's "typical" performance. The timestamp is 30 seconds after Arsenal finished nil-nil... bastard.
Manchester United 2, Blackburn 1 For not so subtle reasons whenever Arsenal fails to produce I find myself watching United. I make lunch when Rooney gets his gift, of course, United gets all the breaks. But wait, Roque Santa Cruz breaks through and ends United's stupid clean sheet streak. Finally! I was getting really tired of reading about it. Plus VanDerSar annoys me.
Cristiano stands over a free kick and I think to myself, hmm, its been awhile since he's scored a spot kick. He does just that and I text Jim angrily. It's just the goal they need and right at the time when you need it - before the 65th minute in the 2nd half of a tie game. I fully expect this game to finish 4-1 now but no, just 2-1.
Juventus 2, Palermo 0 If you're keeping count at home this has been an ideal Saturday. Arsenal at 10, United at 12:30, Juve at 2:30 with a Chelsea-Villa appetizer.
Momo Sissoko smashes home an outrageous give-and-go and this gets my blood moving. Italian soccer is easier to watch. It just is. Think Lost vs. Arrested Development. Both enjoyable shows but one a comedy and the other a drama. I can't believe I failed to mention this is Trezeguet's first start since his knee injury. An ideal Saturday indeed because Treze scores from an Amauri cross, seals the deal and I catch him joyously screaming at some fans. I like David.
Maryland 82, North Carolina 80 Bitch holler. Bring back miss Shiavo for one more go. 4-8 against RPI-top50. 2 wins against top 5 opponents. If they beat NC State and Virginia and don't get blown out at Wake, one win in the conference tourney and I have them in. And a streaky 10 seed they will be.
Liverpool 1, Manchester Citeh 1 Citeh is a dangerous team in a schizophrenic sort of way. I went to a conference on societal stigma towards mental health issues the other week and I'm sorry that I just associated schizophrenia to danger but come on.
I check the headline on soccernet for some sensationalized analysis and they don't let me down, "Liverpool title hopes crushed." Have I mentioned that I hate soccernet? Anyways, yeah, Liverpool probably can't afford to leave points on the pitch anymore. Is anyone really surprised? I know Ben isn't here to defend Liverpool but seriously, nobody actually thought they would hold off United did they? The Premiership was decided once United beat Chelsea 3-zip in January. Over, done, lets not talk about it anymore.
The Champions League is next. I go pee a little bit whenever I think about Tuesday/Wedensday. Just a little bit. Like a drop of pee squeezes out. Yay!
