"Your Fans Just Know What You Need, But I Know What You Want" - Luis Suarez

To think, Luis Suarez's career at Liverpool, for a moment, was at the feet of Andy Wilkinson. No, no, it wasn't the way you might think. It was a little more subtle than a two footed challenge from behind.

It was Wilkinson, a member of the Disturbed Donkey Football Club, also called Stoke City, who failed to clear Suarez's dramatic debut goal off the line. You shouldn't be surprised I guess, Wilkinson has spent his whole career one step behind the game. This time though, a studs up challenge to the ball wouldn't reduce it's will to go in.

Might this be destiny?

It sure seems that way. Let's consider the circumstances of his move. The transfer comes months after The Hand of God remix (feat. Double Fist Pump Celebration). Luis is also not the first highly rated Uruguayan striker to come to England. The one before Suarez, uh, didn't really pan out. And we all know the media is about as friendly as the sun is shining in England.

Add to that how Liverpool was in drop zone this year a stunning 9 (!) games into their campaign. That is not a typo. So yeah, Liverpool is capable of struggling as of late. It's not just Arsenal in the midst of an extremely weird EPL this season, wondering how they're so far up the table.
Oh, and I almost forgot, Luis is "replacing" Fernando Torres.

Did I leave anything out? Africa killer, Forlán's legacy, reactionary media, struggling team with a usually delusional fan-base, replacing El Niño... yeah I think that covers it. Out of those 6 potentially suffocating factors, 4 of them come into play if Wilkinson is a half-step faster.

My heart, of course, would love it if Suarez is hugely successful at Liverpool, but my head says it won't happen. The Luis I know would have to change a few things to be a star in England. For starters he would have to lose the knack he, and other Uruguayan players have for missing the easy goal. 81 goals in 110 appearances for Ajax is something special, considering that it could have been 162. His biggest strength is creating chances, or at least receiving the chances, damnt you know what I mean. I can look past "easy" misses; it's the opportunities to score that matter. Luis is great at that since he's basically an onside Pipo Inzaghi when it comes scoring opportunities. He just has a tendency to squander chances.

It's simple really, the EPL is much less understanding when it comes to misses. Luis will have to survive that, because it's going to happen. Consider it a TLOCA guarantee.

He'll also have to adapt to the England. That is to say, he'll have to grow stronger leg bones so that they don't get broken so easily, develop a dislike for the sun, shed the hatred from a largely xenophobic population, and brush off a media that killed princess Diana. You may have noticed, but these are all the things that Forlán didn't do. Diego, I must mention, also took 26 games to get his first goal for United, a statistic I still can't believe.

The good news, and never remind me that I wrote this, is that Andy Carroll is a good striking partner. He's physical, capable of finishing all of Luis' crosses, and likely to get into more trouble off the field. Andy also cost more too, so in theory he should get more flak if Liverpool burn out.

So my final answer is this - Suarez can be as successful as Andrei Arshavin, or as unsuccessful as Giovani Dos Santos. Let's hope it's the first guy.

Leather and Glass

As Juan mentioned earlier, we passed TLOCA's three-year anniversary last month (January 15th, to be exact). According to this website, the traditional anniversary gift for the third year is leather, and the modern gift is crystal/glass. So if anyone would like to send us a pair of the pants that David Bentley undoubtedly wears around his house and any part of Robin van Persie's body, that should satisfy both the traditional and the modern gift requirements.

To business. First, regarding Liverpool's two new strikers: (1) I'm excited to see this play out, and (2) how on earth is Andy Carroll worth 12.5 million pounds more than Luis Suarez? I mean, I understand the whole "he's English and he's really tall" argument, but so is Peter Crouch. I also recognize that they have extremely different playing styles, but I would take Suarez over Carroll any day. Eighty-one goals in 110 appearances for Ajax? Sure, it's the Dutch league, but throw a fine World Cup performance on top of that, and he's worth twice as much as Carroll in my view. It's just too bad that Arsenal would never spend that. Or maybe it's for the best because it would have caused Juan to immediately buy that jersey and have a heart attack from excitement after putting it on.

Rio Ferdinand is definitely growing on me. Don't get me wrong, I still desperately need to see United lose a game, and if he were the one to score a shocking own goal to make it so, I would laugh loud and uncontrollably. But I enjoy him telling it like it is. Opining that Lord Samir of Nasri has been the player of the season thus far (get well soon, Samir of). Calling out Andy Gray and Richard Keys as "dinosaurs." Well done, England captain.

A quick jaunt around Europe: Barca greatest team ever, etc. Even Jose may want out because he's run up against a juggernaut - we'll see him at United in two seasons max. Maybe even next year, if, gulp, United continue on like this. Don't look now, but Roma are fifth in the Serie A with two games in hand on Milan. After starting the season looking like relegation fodder, they're once again proving that their masters of the creep. Slowly, quietly creeping up the table. Sunday's clash with Inter should be good viewing.

Speaking of Sunday, what are the odds on Torres scoring? Let's take a little video recap, shall we?


First Liverpool goal.


Or this.


Yep.


Remember these?

And I know there are a couple more out there. In fact, I'm a little surprised that Chelsea didn't spend all that money just to break his legs out of bitterness and spite. But I guess they were just as curious as the rest of us to see what would happen if they put the best two strikers of the past few seasons (apologies to David Villa, he's up there, too) on the same front line. Of course, they waited until after one got malaria and the other effed his hamstring. But hey, you can't have everything.

Happy Thanksgiving (Except you, Arsenal)

I hope everyone is having a great holiday, despite Arsenal's best efforts to ruin it. The panic button shouldn't be pushed yet, but I understand if you're hunched over the button with your arm raised and glancing around with crazy eyes.

This Saturday against Aston Villa, the Gooners have the opportunity to start off the weekend in amazing fashion. And I'm not referring to the three points. Those will be nice of course, but I'm most referring to timing of it all.

It's a long weekend, it's the holidays, and Arsenal is the opening ceremony. An Arsenal win means the United-Blackburn match is exceedingly more enjoyable. You get to be that guy at the bar wearing Arsenal red, oooh-ing and aah-ing obnoxiously over every Blackburn miss. You can drink your beer with a conspicuous air of entitlement, talk loudly about how, "Wayne seems to have lost a step", and still leave happy after United win 2-nil. The day has just begun.

After an early lunch of leftover turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes, the Serie A is there for dessert. AC Milan and their enigmatic all-stars face a tricky Sampdoria side to increase their lead atop the table. Then comes Juventus, or rather, the Milo Krasic show, on FSC. If you haven't tuned in to see Milo Krasic run circles around slow Serie A defenders, this is your chance. The Old Lady has a swagger about them lately, so lets hope they keep it up.

Before you drift off to sleep in the wonderful food comatose that can only occur this time of year, let Diego Forlan tuck you in. The World Cup's best player leads Atletico Madrid against Barcelona's younger brother, Espanyol. With rumors of a scoring drought, Doug E Fresh set the record straight against Osasuna, and ever since, he and Kun Aguero have been running trains on La Liga defenders.

On Sunday, Liverpool will beat Tottenham after Chelsea loses to Newcastle and the Rams, who are shockingly relevant this year, will pull out a nice road victory a mile in the air. You'll say goodbye to family, eat one more turkey sandwich for the road and wonder why you don't make 15 pound turkeys more often because the leftovers are so damn good. Unfortunately, it can't be replicated; it won't be same if it's not Nov 25th, but you knew that already.

None of these things will happen if Arsenal comes out and loses. So yeah, no pressure.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Fresh Juicy Mangoes

Dan Quayle would be proud of this fellow. For the neutral observer, it was a fantastic weekend of football. As an Arsenal supporter, it wasn't so great; I'll just quickly say a few words about that stinker against Newcastle and it's this: no excuses. We put out almost as strong a squad as we could; no Vermaelen or fit RVP, but whatever, this is almost as good as it gets. Cesc, Nasri, Wilshere, Walcott, Chamakh, Song. We should be scoring. And at home, we must be winning with that lineup. MUST. OK, rant over. Now, a few thoughts:

(1) Fernando Torres took two enormous bites of the mango this weekend. And with cool, slightly sticky mango juice spilling down his handsome chin, he lit a fire under Liverpool. For the first half, they looked like the squad their teamsheet has always threatened to be - killing themselves for every ball in midfield, working hard, defending as a unit, smothering Chelsea, and letting El Nino do his thing up front. That was so much fun to watch. It certainly made the poop sandwich (with a side of Andy Carroll and Joey Barton) I had just swallowed a half hour before that much easier to digest. In the second half, Chelsea had an Arsenal kind of day, lots of possession, lots of dallying, and then, when they finally got the ball into dangerous positions, they wasted their chances or were thwarted by excellent goalkeeping. I felt their pain.

(2) Roma won what might be the most intense, ill-tempered derby in football right now against league-leaders Lazio. (Frankly, I'd be too terrified to attend one of these matches.) You know Francesco Totti is nearing the end when I'm slightly relieved to see him not on the teamsheet. Also, I'm sorry to say it, but Muslera really should do better with Boriello's miserable excuse for a penalty. Good thing they had Vucinic take the second one. Who, by the way, has the angriest, most bizarre, goal celebrations around right now. He's the best.

(3) This brings me to my next point: the Serie A is bonkers. With all the focus on the EPL and La Liga, it's easy to forget that an Italian club won the CL last year. If I'm a club in the Champions League, I want no part of Inter, Roma, or Milan this year. All three clubs, while flawed, are completely unpredictable, and I could easily see one of them going to the final this year. Don't look now, but they're all on track to make the knockouts...

(4) La Liga wants no part of the (relative) parity taking hold of the EPL, Serie A, or Bundesliga (actual parity, there). But that's OK, because Mourinho vs. Barca is good fun. Juan predicted that the title returns to Madrid this year, and frankly, it's hard to argue with him. In fact, I think I'll go one better: Mourinho wins the treble with Madrid, and then leaves within the next two years to replace Fergie at Man United. It's happening.

(5) Speaking of which... Ji-Sung Park? Surely United cannot keep this up. If they somehow stay competitive for the title, then Fergie has definitely refinanced the third mortgage on his soul.

Until next time, gents.

Oh Dear

Well, well, well. What can you say about Liverpool that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan?

I have to say that of the so-called Big Four (RIP), Liverpool was always the one that I didn't really hate. Not that I really liked them or anything (in fact, after a certain 2008 Champions League match, I could barely stand to think about the club). It's just that I always reserved my greatest animosity for United, Chelsea, and Spurs. Maybe it's because most of my Arsenal-Liverpool related memories involve Henry, Pires, and, more recently, Arshavin doing unspeakable things to them. Regardless, I respected Liverpool's history and a lot of their players. I respect their supporters. It didn't hurt that the team were often fun to watch, especially when they came back to beat Milan in the CL Final (the greatest match in European club soccer history - no, I won't back down from that) and for the two seasons where Gerrard and Torres had a telepathic understanding with one another that was simply mesmerizing. I even kind of liked Rafa and was willing to defend him from his numerous detractors (but which even I am unwilling to do now).

I know that it was just a Carling Cup match that they lost today. I know that teams like Chelsea and Man City also went crashing out (hilarious). I know that good Premier League teams have often been beaten by lower-ranked opposition in these one-off tournaments. So why this post? Because this loss to Northhamptumberwhatever is emblematic of Liverpool's performance as a whole. They are a shell of their former selves. And from the look of things, with their current financial woes, it may be a long, hard road back to glory.

So, What Have We Learned?

Harsh, hateful words from the fictional Sr. Guardiola, the use of which I in no way condone. In every other way, hilariously spot-on. And now, the week in review:

1) Tomas Rosicky should never, ever come near an Arsenal penalty again. Why Chamakh, whose primary purpose in life is the scoring of goals, or Nasri, who has ice water pumping through his gangster, Marseilles-ghetto veins, didn't take that spot kick against Sunderland I'll never know. Arsene was similarly nonplussed.

2) Sam Allardyce may be on some dangerous, hard drugs. The man is seriously delusional.

3) Manchester United are, in fact, somewhat fragile at the back. The discipline and steel of past years is missing. Evans and O'Shea are, quite frankly, not very good at the moment. Or as the English say: "crap."

4) However, Dimitar Berbatov is settling in quite nicely, thank you very much. Cruising along, smooth as a big body Lexus, he put in another finishing master class. Haters gon' hate, and Berba don't care. Get that money, Berba. Buy yourself another Argentina replica jersey. Maybe go for Spain this time, actually.

5) Barthalona and Real Mourinho are both capable of ugly, gutsy wins. But as Juan mentioned with regard to Barca last week, when you put out those lineups, you expect to win at any cost, by any means. See above cartoon.

6) Zlatan Ibrahimovic is probably a sociopath. Maybe he's so humorless and borderline autistic because he's constantly being scrutinized and criticized despite being one of the most prolific goalscorers in Europe. (See above cartoon.) Something I like to call Anelka Syndrome. But it's much more likely that he's just a huge jerk regardless of what the press says about him. At any rate, he's still really good at scoring goals, especially when his feet are firmly planted on Italian soil.

7) Having Florent Malouda as the captain of your fantasy EPL team has been a very good idea. Not to pat myself on the back or anything. But seriously, we won't learn anything new about Chelsea until next weekend's trip to the City of Manchester Stadium. I'm hoping (as always) for a Wayne Bridge winner that deflects off John Terry's groin.

8) Roma were clearly demoralized by how last season ended, and they look stuck in preseason mode. That squad is more than capable of winning the league this year. Frankly, it's confusing. And the pressure may be getting to the tinkerman.

9) It's official: there's something seriously wrong with Fernando Torres. I know I'm about three months too late with that obvious announcement, but I was willing to overlook his subpar World Cup display due to his injury struggles (and the general overhype that accompanies every star into a new tournament after performing fantastically at their last tournament - in this case, Euro 2008). But he really does not look like himself. (I believe) he won the penalty and the free kick that gave Liverpool a way back into the Northwest Derby, but anyone who watched that entire match knows that something is up.

10) Everybody should move to Barcelona (see Juan's excellent dispatch from the Camp Nou below). Beautiful football, beautiful women, and delicious sandwiches (mostly likely prepared by beautiful women and then enjoyed whilst watching beautiful football). Sigh. Get the couch bed ready, good sir.

Liverpool vs. Arsenal Game Summary

A 1-1 draw at Anfield started Arsenal's 2010 campaign off with a bang. This bang being mostly inaudible, a mild sedative and quite forgettable.

Liverpool

Pepe Reina - Y con el veinte!... Con un autogol fenomenalllll! Yo, Pepe Reina!!. Nice job assclown. Before his fantastic OG, though not even close to the best Liverpool OG, he saved a few menacing shots. The match is not judged on your first 88 minutes. Sorry.

Skrtel/Carragher - The oldish and sneaky combo provided an excellent foundation and even avoided silly fouls. With Samir Nasri taking free-kicks, they could have fouled wherever they wanted without a care in the world so I guess it's nice they didn't prowl around hoofing left and right. Only once fresh legs came on for Arsenal did their tiredness show.

Glen Johnson - I think Liverpool's strategy from the onset was most evident with Johnson's play. He rarely got forward, instead choosing to forgo his typical overlapping runs. His only mark on the game was a menacing shot that drew a corner - otherwise a quiet affair. A red card will do that to a defense.

Masherano - A quintessential performance from the grumpy Argentine: a few good tackles, a few fouls and a scrappy assist. His five-o-clock shadow, unruly hair and his sweat which smelled of cheap whiskey led me to believe he might not have the best game. I was wrong.

Steven Gerrard - Captain Fantastic spent a good deal on defense. He tracked back well and broke up a few Arsenal possessions. I don't remember his presence offensively at all, again, a red card will do that.

Fernando Torres - He didn't start, but was a substitute. There was one moment where I was convinced he had undressed Koscielny and was going to score but the Frenchman recovered nicely. Fernando made no impact otherwise. In my opinion he's still a few games away.


Arsenal

Almunia - He had no major gaffes, which is a blessing in itself. That is unless you count being beaten at your near post from a shot, albeit a well placed one, from a tight angle as a gaffe. Lets settle on minor gaffe. Kill me now if he's our 1st choice keeper for the whole season.

Vermaelen - Suddenly Thomas is the wily veteran tasked with anchoring a top-4 defense. He wasn't necessarily conservative as a few times I noticed his deep runs. He never got the ball when he streaked forward though and only contributed offensively with a hard, but not well placed, free kick. Technically it was he who was beaten by David Ngog, as he was a half-step too slow after our turnover.

Jack Wilshire - Speaking of turnover, it was Jack's slightly off-footed fan-job on a pass that made its way straight to Masherano's foot. He turned the ball over alot and while I was rooting for him vigorously at the beginning of the game, soon it became evident he was trying to survive like Michael Cera at the grown-ups party in Superbad. He maybe gets by with Cesc as his midfield partner but certainly not with Nasri. To me it looked like his nerves showed and he seemed to be over-thinking.

Abou Diaby - El Diablo had some nice tricks but little substance. See current definition of Arsenal attack.

Andrei Arshavin - The Russian made no impact whatsoever, which is odd with this in mind. (Just look at that run...it looks like he was shot out of a cannon. We fu*&ing tied that game by the way). Rumor has it that Andrei was tired all week and not fully fit. I believe it.

Chamakh - I'm glad he scored the winner because that play is exactly the type of commitment I saw out of him at Bordeaux. There was no flip this time around but he proved that at Arsenal he will still risk the bumps and bruises that are required to poach a valuable goal.


Final Summary

Arsenal looked exhausted for reasons I cannot explain. Perhaps the World Cup is to blame but the action on Saturday does not back this up. Both teams came out cautiously and after Joe Cole's red card - which was nice to see even if it was harsh because after all, red cards are supposed to deter potentially dangerous tackles, not be the result of acl's snapping in half - Liverpool were more than content to hang on to a 1-nil lead. The most worrisome aspect of Arsenal's uninspiring performance is that Rosicky, off the bench, seemed to be the spark. With Nasri and Wilshire erm-um-hmmm'ing around the pitch, the presence of Fabregas was sorely missed. I have yet to hear an argument to explain his World Cup hangover, him and I having played similar minutes. The prevailing theme after this game is that a point at Anfield is always a good result. I question that that because Liverpool scraped to finish 7th three months ago. Last year they dropped 15 points at home, the same as Birmingham.

Blackpool at home should be no problem at all. Repeat, no problem at all. But they did put 4 on Wigan and they have a gigantic oaf for a striker that I can see ramming the ball in with his thighs. A three goal victory with no ankles broken (except Alumnia and Fabianski) is all Arsenal needs to ease the nerves.

Until then.

At least there's the Serie A...

So let's see.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse for Arsenal this season, they (1) lost their best defender for the remainder of the season and (2) lost to a team that hadn't won a league game against them for over a decade. Oh yeah, and it was Spurs. I really don't want to talk about it.

Chelsea also ground out a 1-0 win in a game they could have easily lost 2-1 if the referee hadn't decided that playing the ball with your hand in the area was acceptable. So barring the most miraculous/bizarre turn of events, they're cruising for the Double. Liverpool, the only member of the "Big Four" that I didn't really loathe is up for sale and essentially out of the CL, to be replaced by either Spurs (shudder) or Man City, which is quickly becoming almost as unlikable (and scary) as its neighbor. So the forces of evil triumph again.

In Spain, Barca hold a three point advantage which is quickly looking insurmountable. And anyway, it's just Madrid in the mix. Everyone else is like a million points behind.

So again, I feel stupid for asking Juan why I should care about the Serie A at the beginning of the season. Indeed, it's got my full attention now. There are three teams with legitimate shots at the title. Juve are fighting for their CL lives, and a lot more manfully than their current "Big Four" English counterpart in Liverpool. I hope they get there - the CL doesn't feel right without Alex del Piero curling in delightful free kicks and generally wreaking more havoc than you ever thought a 35 year old 5'8" Italian could cause on a football pitch. Forza Juve. Forza Roma. Let's make this a season to remember.

Just Another Reason to Love Fernando

He's now rooting for Arsenal. And that hair. And because he's magical. So many reasons, really. Arsene should ask him if he wants to take a paycut and play some Champions League football next year or settle for trying to defend his Europa League title (I have them winning it).

The State of the Union

With the Champions League finally back this week it's time to look at the state of the English Premier League. So, as per the table:

Chelsea - 58 pts
I was hoping to title this post, John Terry Wants To Have Your Abortion, with this fabulous picture to match. My favorite headline is far and away, "Chelsea captain Terry delighted with another clean sheet." You see Mr. Terry doesn't fancy protection and well... you get it right?

Anyway, can Terry and his boys go the distance is the question United and Arsenal wait to find out. And only United have any more say in the matter head-to-head on April 3rd. Chelsea's upcoming games are:
win, City, win, win, win, Aston Villa, at United, win, at Tottenham, win, at Liverpool, win.

Everton, in their incredible form as of late, beat Chelsea last week and kept the Prem interesting. But perhaps there are more points to be miscarried with at least five more non-guaranteed games coming up. The climax of this season could get a bit sticky for Mr. Terry and recent deadline transfers James Westfall and Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

Manchester United - 57 points
United have been my surprise of the season so far. I wagered a cheap jersey of choice that Rooney wouldn't score 15 goals this season in the EPL. He has 21 with fourteen games to go. My only way out of this wager is if United doesn't finish in the top two as I required that his success must also lead to United success. So, needless to say I didn't see this coming at all.

Rooney has carried this squad for every league game thus far and his absurd form has England fans in rapture when they think about the World Cup. He grabbed his ankle a few games back and the announcer half-joked that all of England was holding their breath. A few moments passed and he chuckled nervously as even he realized he might be right. I have yet to see a striker in the past 5 years look so confident and so comfortable in front of goal as Rooney in domestic play. We're in Ruud and Raul territory here. This hurts me. Moving on.

Valencia and more so, Nani, seem to be coming around and with Ferguson's genius coupled with Carrick's anti-football United are still in it. Their upcoming games are:
at Everton, win, win, win, Liverpool, win, Chelsea, win, at City, Tottenham, win, win.

In earnest I don't expect Everton to help out anymore than they already have, but at City could be interesting. In reality this unstoppable red and indebted train has only Chelsea in their path. As much as I want to talk myself into Pool and City and Tottenham posing a threat, I just can't do it.

Arsenal - 52 pts
TLOCA has turned their attention to the Champions League as the last trophy we have a good chance at hoisting. I refuse to get suckered into the EPL again. Not gonna do it. Well... I guess we can look at their remaining games:
win, win, win, win, win, win, win, at Tottenham, win, City, win, win.

Oh no. It's happening. I can't believe it, but yes, if we get 32 points out of our remaining 14 games the EPL is ours. We're still alive. We are. Seriously, we are.

Liverpool - 44 pts
I am confident they will remain in the Top 4. If vegas would give me better than 11/10 that they will I'd throw something on it, but even money is not worth shite. Upcoming:
at City (!!), blah, blah, blah, at United, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Chelsea, blah.

Liverpool have a real opportunity here to propel Arsenal to the top in their quest to remain in the top 4. So again, I'm confident (looking at you gimpy Torres) that Liverppol will remain in the top 4.

Manchester City - 44 points - Two (!) games in hand.
Greedy-bayooooooooooooorrr, Greedy-bayooooooOOOOOR. His dad has a lowly profession and his mum is a whore.

I have no issues calling someone's mother a whore. My issue is with the racial undertones of chanting that his father washes elephants. Juventus got absolutely skewered when they sang "There's never been a black Italian" (or directly translated to, there's never been an italian born black) and English teams should get some negative press for singing the Adebayor song too. Show me the video of Ade running 100 yards to celebrate his mediocre goal and I'm liable to change my mind and throw something sharp, but for now I don't like the chant.

Here's the reason why I don't think City can hold on:
blah , Liverpool, Chelsea, Tottenham, -, -, -, -, -, United, Arsenal, Villa, -

That's brutal. And that's the thing about the top four - you have to beat them to get there. It sounds stupid to say, but Arsenal don't have to play Arsenal two times a year. And obviously what I mean is that Arsenal have 6 games against top 4 opponents, City have 8. And if you're City you haven't earned the respect to have McCarthy send out 11 training ground players and concede three points. Teams believe they can beat you, and thus try harder. Belonging in the Top 4 is like being a New York Times Bestseller. Did you earn it, or is the fact that you're labeled one make it easier to be one. .... Yeah. Anyway, that made sense when I started the sentence.
____________

Porto on Wednesday and frankly I love, but am not in love with, a 4-nil thrashing that allows my new lust Carlos Vela some playing time in the second leg. Come on Carlitos!

Liverpool Despair at the Britannia

Three days ago it couldn't have gotten any worse for Liverpool. Torres tears his knee and Gerrard re-aggravates his hamstring. Benayoun gets injured as well just to complete a long awaited exhale out of the FA Cup - their last chance at silverware mind you. It's January.

Currently, their official goal is 4th place in the Premiership and some might say (hint: me) that's been their goal for 4 weeks now. I was there last year with Arsenal, I know a 4th place team when I see it. Enter Stoke City. It's the 8am start so I can't say with 100% certainty, but Liverpool come out frantic... in a good way. That is to say they sprint hard after every ball, challenge every header and have a certain amount of positive flail about them. Rafa and his squad are leaving no doubt that they want this game. There's just one problem, they're not any good.

To be sure, a Liverpool side with a healthy Torres and Gerrard are capable of beating any team any time. But this particular Liverpool side, with Ngog and Kuyt up top followed by Degen, Aurelio, Mascherano and Lucas in the midfield are simply awful. Aquilani and Maxi-gol may be the answer they are looking for, but not yet, and not today.

The first half ends with only one incident of note, and that's a half-dive by Lucas in the box. He sees yellow for his troubles. That insufferable drunk Tommy Smythe says that it's clearly a penalty and Adrian Healey ignores him. It wasn't a penalty, not even close, but I mention it because it's the moment when Liverpool calm down. They realize their energy needs to manifest itself in a controlled way if they're to take three points because the game hitherto screams nil-nil.

Liverpool get their goal, it's the 55th minute, and the camera immediately shows Rafa Benitez gesticulating what I interpret to mean, "tighten up back there guys." I'm not going to call it a mistake because it's his only option. When your only chance on goal is one where Kyrgiakos makes William Gallas look like David Trezeguet, packing it in for 30 minutes to hold onto a 1-goal lead is the correct/only choice. If you didn't understand the previous sentence, don't be alarmed, Flesh Kincaid rated it at a 15.37 grade level.

The only flaw in Rafa's plan is that Liverpool aren't accustomed to absorbing pressure when 3 points are on the line. Arsenal can't do this either and again, I know a shaky back-line when I see it. So Huth scores in the 90th minute, it's now 1-1, and before the replays have finished my laptop is started up and I'm looking up the definition of a Greek Tragedy for a good quote.

"[Greek] tragedy is a form of art based on human suffering that paradoxically offers its audience pleasure."

I finish reading the quote and just then, Insua whips in a lovely cross and Dirk Kuyt's diving header bounces off the turf, off the side-bar and away from any further harm.

"Yep," I think, smiling as the whistle blows.

Myeoma, myeoma and Weekend Preview

Touch, touch, touch, and touch. If Uruguay does well at the World Cup there is a good chance I'll play this song on repeat and dance for 36 hours straight. Normally Jim Stanley does the Weekend Preview but I've decided to give it a crack.

(all times Eastern)

Saturday

7:45 am - Stoke City vs. Wigan Athletic
Before you immediately X the screen and get annoyed that you've doubly wasted your time reading this blog, just remember that this game is on Espn. So out of principle, since we all want Espn to buy more Premier League games, you should tune in. Not to mention that getting up to watch soccer is the most pleasant of alarm clocks. You can snooze a little during half-time or have breakfast. Soccer this early in the morning is a good thing, even if it is only between two squads that are frisky at best.

10:00 am - Bolton vs. Manchester City
The Citeh is on a tear as of late and this match is on Fox Soccer Channel. In case our reader didn't know, Veetle.com is a nice place to watch any games currently showing on FSC or GolTV if you don't get those channels at home. And so far as I know I haven't downloaded any viruses or had my identity stolen yet. Manchester City is a permanent fixture on my watch-list this year if they don't conflict with the other TLOCA teams because they are one of two teams in my opinion that can break up the big four (pictured*). The other team was Hull City at the beginning of the season but now is more reasonably Tottenham if only for their propensity to explode offensively.

12:30 pm - Manchester United vs. Aston Villa FSC (note the 30 minute lunch break)
As much as I want to hype this contest to be a close one I can't bring myself to do it. United will be playing at Old Trafford having won its last 5 meaningful games and Aston Villa, who choke harder than Latrelle Sprewell, have tied or lost 7 of their last 10 games. Only one of those came against the big four, Chelsea. This one will end 3 nil and by the 80th minute you'll realize suddenly it's been an extremely one-sided contest and a typical United win. BOOOO. Whatever, its still the U, and therefore you must watch.

2:30 pm - Bari vs. Juventus FSC
No, the bitterness hasn't subsided yet. This year the inevitable Juventus crash out of the Champions League was a bit more sour than usual simply because this year's team was a better team than last year, and much more suited for the CL. All of this in spite of the fact that it was clear they didnt' have it, whatever it is that makes a team's impending failures tremendously obvious. Think Hleb and Flamini leaving with no reasonable replacements at Arsenal. So, in summary, David Trezeguet should be starting and that's why you should watch.

Sunday

9:00 am - Atalanta vs. Inter
This is a highly comical match-up we, as followers, are privy to twice a year because Atalanta and Inter have the exact same uniforms. Thus, if you're hung over just enough you might go the whole first half wondering when Inter signed Robert Acquafresca and why he's starting over Samuel Eto'o. To be frank, the only reason I watch Inter nowadays is because I hate Jose Mourinho and I want to understand why Inter, with their mostly uninspiring squad achieves any success at all. I don't get it and it's almost as if every time I watch them play I get further and further from the answer.

11:00 am - Liverpool vs. Arsenal FSC
If you had forgotten, Arshavin scored four goals against this team in what was the most disappointing yet insignificant draw in Arsenal history. I expect a win and even though Torres will be back and will surely score a hat-trick, we should still win 5-3. This game is unfortunately somewhat irrelevant since the season will be decided for Arsenal come January 27th, when they play, in order, Aston Villa, Manchester United, Chelsea and Liverpool. I am not looking forward to that.

Enjoy the weekend.




*From left to right; David Lloyd (Britain), Vittorio Orlando (Italy), George Clemenceau (France) and Woody Wilson (USA). The beauty of this photo, also coined, "The Big Four," is that Arsenal is clearly Clemenceau, Man Utd Woodrow, Chelsea Lloyd, though those two can be interchanged, and Vittorio, Liverpool, is trying to stay relevant even then. I think we know how this story ends. I feel like I've written this before...

Liverpool to the Europa League. No, There Isn't Anything More Humiliating

Rumor has it that Lyon didn't really, "go for it." That's too bad as Lyon don't owe Liverpool, "squat." The Europa league awaits, or as some here at TLOCA refer to it, the International Carling Cup. ZING!

Liverpool 2, Birmingham 2

This is just funny:



Also, I've got bad news here at TLOCA. The lack of recent posts has been due to a severe illness and subsequent death of fellow contributor James "Lucas" Stanley. He will be missed.

Sally Can Wait, She Knows It's Too Late As She's Walking On By

"Lady-Luck was riding [Liverpool] reverse cowgirl all season long and they still finished 6 points adrift."
-TLOCA

--"Liverpool was not lucky at all."
---Comments
___________________________________________________________

During the Euro's 2008 a Turkish player earned one of my all-time favorite nicknames. Semih Senturk, the Lifeguard. If you were watching the Turks in the Euros you'll never forget their knack for the late goals. Perhaps "lucky" isn't the best word to describe it, but it's certainly something.

In the 2008 EPL season, Liverpool did their best Turkey impression. In the 80th minute or later, Liverpool snatched the lead to win 4 times. As if that weren't enough, they came from down a goal to win in the 80th minute or later another 2 times. Here are the who they beat, by whom, and when:

Sunderland, 83, Torres
Middlesbrough, 90+, Gerrard
ManCity, 90+, Kuyt
Wigan, 80 and 85, Riera and Kuyt (down one to win by one)
Portsmouth, 85 and 90+, Kuyt and Torres (down one to win by one)
Fulham, 90+, Benayoun
Chelsea, 81 and 82, Lukas Kuyt (draw)
Arsenal, 90, Benayoun (draw) :(

That's an astounding 16 points earned after the 80th minute. They finished the season with 86 total.

The next closest is, of course, Manchester United with 5 victories after the 80th minute (and no draws).

Sunderland, 90+, Vidic
Stoke City, 83, Tevez
Bolton, 90+, Berbatov
Aston Villa, 80 and 90+, Ronaldo and Macheda (down one to win by one)
Wigan, 86, Carrick

for 11 points. Chelsea and Arsenal only completed the late game magic 3 times for wins and Arsenal was the only team of the big four not have come back from the dead (down 1 into the 80th to win).

So I guess what I meant to impart is, since Pool still finished 6 points back and also snatched up 5 more cardiac thrillers than who they were chasing, it's not inconceivable that this year they return to earth. With no major signings and only departures (enter stage left: Arsenal), I predict a down year for Liverpool.

Game Notes

I have some catching up to do.

Chelsea 1, Aston Villa 0
This is the beginning of Villa's brutal schedule. To their credit they do have quite the Nelly feat. Kelly Rowland. They need to balance the Uefa Cup this year and try to maintain a top 4 table position for the Champions League next year. If you're thinking they can do both then you're kidding yourself so throw that out the window. And while it may seem like a no-brainer to go for the Champions League qualifying spot, ask Arsenal and Chelsea what its like to go for the glory and get nothing in return. Moreover, it feels odd for a team such as Aston Villa to blow off the Uefa Cup when they've showed such patience to get here in the first place. The unfortunate fact for them is that it appears they're trying to do both and again, only those bastards at Manchester United have that kind of depth.

Aside - I just read a poorly written story on soccernet (shocking, I know) about Rooney calling for the quadruple. It made me nauseated for two reasons. The first is that I throw around "quadruple" when I'm drunk at parties and trying to instigate belligerance. The second is that United are one game (Carling), one formality (the League now that Liverpool lost again), one repeat (The Chammmmmpions) and a lucky draw (the FA cup) from actually succeeding. That sentence was very wordy but I'm trying to say that they're very, very close to making this happen. I'm talking about the quadruple here folks and I'm not drunk nor trying to instigate a fight. Sick to my stomach indeed.

Anyway, I turned on this game (Aston Villa-Chelsea if I've lost you with my ramblings) in the 60th minute and hear from the announcers that a, "superb finish" from Anelka has Chelsea on top. Ugh. I go to 101greatgoals.com just to see it and I guess it was alright. This is of course after Jim just credited Anelka and I conceded mentally to his current EPL prowess. Double sigh. 1-nil against Aston, great! Yikes, did I really think that? I did. I even talked about how bad it feels to root against Villa later that day with Jim. Whatever, when they had chances I still instinctually wanted them to level.

Chelsea holds on and I promise that an Arsenal win will justify my elitism. Segway.


Arsenal 0, Sunderland 0
The debut of my obsession, my hope, my light, Andrei Arshavin. 10 minutes in Arshavin cuts in from the corner of the box and rips a venemous shot. It was saved without too much glamour but I get goosebumps when I see the replay and imagine what could have been. Wait a second? Did Arshavin just shoot the ball? I'm sure that will be corrected by Wenger soon enough. No shooting allowed on this squad, more on this later. I continue to gush over every pass and to my credit, he does pass a really nice ball. Always well weighted. Wenger takes him out at the 61st minute - I knew Arsene wouldn't give me 90 but I'm just being emotional now - and I finally blink. On my way back down to earth I realize that hey, it's nil-nil and we kinda, wait, really need these three points. No need to fear, Nicklas Bendtner is in. That is to say, clearly this game ends 0-0. I sign on to TLOCA and see that we have a comment! I poop my pants a little when I see that someone has commented on the blog. It's Jake, he's rubbing in Arsenal's "typical" performance. The timestamp is 30 seconds after Arsenal finished nil-nil... bastard.


Manchester United 2, Blackburn 1
For not so subtle reasons whenever Arsenal fails to produce I find myself watching United. I make lunch when Rooney gets his gift, of course, United gets all the breaks. But wait, Roque Santa Cruz breaks through and ends United's stupid clean sheet streak. Finally! I was getting really tired of reading about it. Plus VanDerSar annoys me.

Cristiano stands over a free kick and I think to myself, hmm, its been awhile since he's scored a spot kick. He does just that and I text Jim angrily. It's just the goal they need and right at the time when you need it - before the 65th minute in the 2nd half of a tie game. I fully expect this game to finish 4-1 now but no, just 2-1.

Juventus 2, Palermo 0
If you're keeping count at home this has been an ideal Saturday. Arsenal at 10, United at 12:30, Juve at 2:30 with a Chelsea-Villa appetizer.

Momo Sissoko smashes home an outrageous give-and-go and this gets my blood moving. Italian soccer is easier to watch. It just is. Think Lost vs. Arrested Development. Both enjoyable shows but one a comedy and the other a drama. I can't believe I failed to mention this is Trezeguet's first start since his knee injury. An ideal Saturday indeed because Treze scores from an Amauri cross, seals the deal and I catch him joyously screaming at some fans. I like David.

Maryland 82, North Carolina 80
Bitch holler. Bring back miss Shiavo for one more go. 4-8 against RPI-top50. 2 wins against top 5 opponents. If they beat NC State and Virginia and don't get blown out at Wake, one win in the conference tourney and I have them in. And a streaky 10 seed they will be.

Liverpool 1, Manchester Citeh 1
Citeh is a dangerous team in a schizophrenic sort of way. I went to a conference on societal stigma towards mental health issues the other week and I'm sorry that I just associated schizophrenia to danger but come on.

I check the headline on soccernet for some sensationalized analysis and they don't let me down, "Liverpool title hopes crushed." Have I mentioned that I hate soccernet? Anyways, yeah, Liverpool probably can't afford to leave points on the pitch anymore. Is anyone really surprised? I know Ben isn't here to defend Liverpool but seriously, nobody actually thought they would hold off United did they? The Premiership was decided once United beat Chelsea 3-zip in January. Over, done, lets not talk about it anymore.

The Champions League is next. I go pee a little bit whenever I think about Tuesday/Wedensday. Just a little bit. Like a drop of pee squeezes out. Yay!

Don't Count Out Liverpool... Yet

Chelsea may have started the season as favorites, and Liverpool were in the driver's seat at the start of the new year, but United's romp to victory on Sunday has everyone talking threepeat. And for good reason. That performance screamed statement game. Juan noted in his last post that United are going to run away with the league. Hell, my Chelsea-supporting friend even texted me from Kenya (I hope that doesn't show up on my bill...) to express his own conviction on that point. Frankly, I don't know if they'll run away with it, but I agree with Fernando that the Red Devils are back to being odds-on favorites.

The only thing that has kept me from "crowning their asses," so to speak, is that I still think Liverpool have what it takes. I recognize that's certainly not the prevailing view at the moment, especially after the Stoke performance, but let's assess all the factors.

Pool are currently top of the league. They're just now bringing Torres back to full fitness. Keane, a bust for most of the first half, showed some signs that he was coming back to life near the end of the year. That's a lot of potential striking power up there. Riera has provided much-needed width. Babel is a nice weapon to be held in reserve and can run at tired legs in the second half. Alonso (noticeably absent against Stoke) has returned to his form of three, four years ago and I can no longer guffaw sarcastically after I refer to him as the "best passing midfielder in the world." These days it's more of a rueful chuckle. He's actually getting back there.

What I like most about them is the absurd depth they have at CB. In this respect, they are the anti-Arsenal. Carragher is still extremely solid, and what's more, he's so well-respected (some would say "overrated") by officials that he gets at least one massive no-call every two games. Hyypia is an ageless wonder, brilliant in the air. Skrtel is on his way to becoming Nemanja Vidic Pt. 2, and not just because he's a scary Eastern European man with no neck. He's strong in the air and tackles well. Dan Agger is an extremely skilled defender who is being kept out of the side by a 35 year old. Need I say more?

Really, their only weakness is at the wingback positions. Aurelio and Arbeloa are hardly a dreamteam back there. And with the promising Emiliano Insua (this kid is legit) away on international duty for a month or so, that's a big blow. But Carragher can always deputize on the right if someone gets hurt or loses form.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that one guy who plays in midfield. You know, the one who's always sort of scowling? He looks like he's playing with something very sour in his mouth. Anyway, he's pretty good. And he always seems to score goals at exactly the moment they're needed. What was his name? Crap, I'll have to get back to you on that one.

At any rate, I think there's enough there to sustain a legitimate title challenge. And frankly, I hope they can. But mark your calendars for March 14, 2009. Manchester United vs. Liverpool. If Pool win at Old Trafford, they win the league. You heard it here first.

PS: Juan, that quote offends me. The only Double Arsenal are going to accomplish (especially if they enter February sans a certain Russian playmaker) is the double of finishing outside the Champions League qualifying spots and being dumped out of said competition by a resurgent Roma squad. Or put another way, the Double of me being both drunk and angry.

Spotlight on England

For a big match. And before that, an enormous one.

All eyes in the soccer world will look this weekend to that funny little island off the coast of France where people eat their fish and chips in the rain and occasionally spill tea on their knickers. So what have we got?

New Chelsea (3rd) vs. Chelsea (1st). This is a huge game, and don't let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise. Robinho makes his debut against the team that openly pursued him for four months. Chelsea won't have the luxury of calling on Essien (something they'll have to get used to). And after all that dismissive talk about how Citeh aren't really a big club, how fired up do you think the supporters at the City of Manchester Stadium will be? Don't get me wrong: beating the Blues won't make them a big club. But it just might be the first step on the road to greatness. And it will send a huge message to the league. Alternatively, a convincing Chelsea victory will have to solidify their status as early favorites for the title.













Liverpool (2nd) vs. Manchester United (9th). This is one of the five biggest rivalries in football, and one of the largest in sports. Torres and Gerrard should be fit. Berbatov has traded in his lily white for devilish red. In terms of sheer ability, we may see the two best strikers in the league facing off against each other. But as usual, that probably won't be the story. It will be all about Reina and van der Sar, Carragher and Ferdinand, Mascherano and Scholes. It will be about possession, about mistakes, and it will be ugly. There will be blood. There may not be goals. And the Kop will be very, very loud.

I'm going out on a limb and predicting wins for both home teams. Chelsea have slowed after their firecracker start and Citeh must be chomping at the bit to get out on the field and show what they can do. And in the North England showdown, I happen to think United are ripe for the plucking. It's asking a lot of a Liverpool side that look even more lackluster to start the season than usual, but when El Nino is in the equation, things don't seem so impossible. And hey, it's Anfield right? Right?

The $50,000,000.00 Goal

Dirk Kuyt, Liverpool legend. What more can you say? I'm constantly hating on him for his lack of pace, failure to demonstrate any skill on the ball, and utter inability to play a wide position, but yesterday, the Diggler did what he's made a career doing: he inexplicably showed up at the right place at the right time and scored an incredibly crucial goal. (For Standard Liege, who were superior on both nights of the tie, the blow must have been, as the announcers put it, "absolutely sickening." Also of note: right before he scored, I was busy explaining to my brother why Kuyt is the weak link in an otherwise menacing Liverpool attack.)

How crucial was this goal for the club and its supporters? One might as well ask how crucial water is to fish. Or the Emancipation Proclamation to black people in the United States. Or the Gateway Arch to St. Louis retaining any lasting impression on the minds of people not from St. Louis. But I digress. Let me put it this way: that goal just earned Liverpool 25 million pounds, saved Rafa's job (at least until next weekend), and perhaps prevented the club from entering a downward spiral which ends outside the Big Four. Oh, and as the ninth goal for Kuyt in 15 European outings, it has pretty much solidified him as a Kop cult hero. Which actually might be the most amazing part.

And We're Back...

Forgive us for not spending more time monitoring what some of my fellow football fans have dubbed "the silly season," but the sheer number (and lunacy) of transfer rumors made the job rather unappealing. But not to worry, because things count again, and TLoCA is back to record its opinions, musings, and analysis for everlasting internet posterity.

Today, thanks to ESPN2 and ESPN2 HD, one can watch Arsenal take on Steve McUmbrella's FC Twente side while monitoring Liverpool in their CL qualifier against Standard Liege. The latter ought to be a real cakewalk, especially now that 'Pool have one of the most dangerous strike partnerships in the world. Robbie Keane may not be the flashiest or most skilled forward, but as he demonstrated with Berbatov, he has a wonderful instinct for position and a good knack for knowing where the main man is at all times. Without disparaging Dirk Kuyt or Peter Crouch too much, I'll just say that it's a big upgrade and leave it at that. It'll be interesting to see what he can accomplish with el Nino. Oh, and it helps to have a healthy Stevie G as well. Can't forget about Captain Fantastic (I know how much Juan loves him).

As for the Gunners, it's clear that they should advance. But with no Cesc, Toure, Rosicky, Senderos, Diaby, or Nasri, it won't be quite as easy. Seeing Denilson and Aaron Ramsey (!) partnered up in central midfield doesn't exactly inspire the greatest confidence, but it will certainly be exciting to watch. The Arsenal attack (Ade, RVP) really should carve up this Dutch side, but I wouldn't be surprised to see a makeshift backline (Johan Djourou, you are the weakest link) leak a goal or two away from home.

So....

The Belgian Champions (AHAHAHA) 0 - 3 Hope Springs Eternal

Steve McFailure 1 - 2 Teenagers FC

Since we're back, it only makes sense to start this up again.