Oh how I hate Bolivia. I've learned alot about myself in the past 3 days. The first and most alarming lesson I've learned is that I hate a whole lot of countries in South America. This has partly to do with the fact that I'm a fairly hateful person, but also to do with the fact that Uruguay has been wronged by several countries.
My hatred for Bolivia is obvious and agreeable. Any country that has ever played in outer space will tell you that it's a truly insane version of home field advantage when your players can't breathe. I'm no scientist for the National Institute of Health or anything, but the necessary oxygen-carrying red blood cells to perform any sort of exercise at upwards of 9,000 feet require several days to grow. This process, oddly enough, has a term - climatizing. I agree that Bolivian fans have the right to watch their team in their home country, but Uruguay finished playing Argentina on Saturday night, and then played at Bolivia 70 hours later. And unless FIFA is gonna agree to the Lance Amstrong clause and give all opponents on short rest erythropoietin to accelerate the proliferation of red blood cells, we have a problem.
So if you're a bit intrigued as to why I'm so thrilled with one, stupid, lousy point (in the past 3 games mind you), now you know.
Then there's Argentina. Messi, Tevez, Aguero, Riquelme, Mascherano... Four of those five players might be the most aggravating, johnny hussle, love-them-until-they-play-against-you players I can think of. Rooney comes to mind - though I don't love him. Hmmm, Anderson with his sagging mouth may be another... I can't really think of that many worse than those four so I'll let our reader come up with some other players that may be applicable.
Anyway, Argentina played all four annoying super-lemmings along with the coolest, smoothest, does his heart rate ever beat over 90, legend in Juan Roman Riquelme. Do not forget that much like David Beckham, Riquelme was cast aside and driven to the retirement home against his will. He luckily put his ego aside and romped through the Argentina Primera kind of like how the Joker romped through Gotham. That is to say, bitter and with style. He was asked back and he's been stunning for them. I didn't notice the game he had against us (seriously I didn't), but he's been great. Long story short, Argentina is Duke to Uruguay's Maryland. I probably should have just opened with that. F$^# Duke.
Continuing with the ACC analogy makes Brasil, UNC. I kinda like where this is going because alot of people argue that Argentina-Brasil is a bigger rivalry. However, if you ask an Argentinian if they'd rather beat Uruguay or beat Brasil, a surprising number of them would choose their smaller, significantly less HIV infected neighbors. So yeah, Brasil is alot like UNC for Maryland. You generally hate them, enjoy their talent, but wouldn't think twice about running one over with your car, chopping up the body and feeding the casserole to Brasilian tranny's... if you know what I mean.
Let's see, Bolivia, Argentina, Brasil... who else... ah yes, Venezuela and Colombia - the punch-lines of every corruption and drug induced communist sodomy joke in South America. Ever since el Pibe retired, Colombia has been a disgrace. And Venezuela has never been good. If Paraguay weren't unanimously deemed the most homosexual country on the continent (South Americans are very homophobic. There's like, 20 words for gay, none of them happy) then they'd be alright. If you're keeping count, Uruguay is "cool" with Ecuador (lovable indians) and Peru (Machu Pichu is aight).
I think it's safe to say that world cup qualifying doesn't bring out the best in me. I'm all messed up really. After Carlos Bueno made it 2-1 on a Randy Moss-esque header, I signed online just to send my 17 year-old cousin the spanish equilavent subject of, "LET'S F&^ING DO THIS MOTHER F&^ER" I didn't send something tasteful like, "Si se puede!!" but rather an expletative laden tirade with no analysis, just emotion. Carlos Bueno does that to me. The last time he scored I signed online and nearly bought an $85 dollar replica of his jersey. I forget why I didn't... I should probably buy that.
Anyway, I have off til March, and that's probably good for me. But just know that the tension is building - and not in a good way.
*And in case you're interested, my cousin, who has since responded to my inappropriate email, says that she also thinks its a decent result "in that ridiculous altitude."
On a more positive note, France drew against Romania. I don't know how much longer France has to struggle for Domenech to be fired, but at this point I'm playing with house money with Treze out. As far as I'm concerned, France can burn down like Chicago in 1871 and I won't flinch.
Across town, England beat Kazakhstan 5 to 1. The tension in Wembley for the first 30 minutes of that game was highly comical. The only thing more humorous is the carnival and fireworks scheduled after a less than inspiring victory over a hapless Potassium squad. I watched every minute of the match and the game only opened up after England caught some breaks. Don't get me wrong, there was never any doubt, except maybe after Kazak scored to bring it 2-1 and just missed a header to bring it level 5 minutes later, but hey, a win is a win. I suppose I'm just a little tired of hearing about fans boo'ing terrible plays. We get it soccernet, you need real writers.
Last but not least, the Concacaf. Well... yeah probably least. Anyhoo, the United States proved that Damarcus Beasley can really use some confidence against a highschool squad. Good for you Damarcus. It was nice to see Iguch get in on the "train" action as well as Altidore scor, er, not miss a sure goal.
The real news is that Jamaica beat Mexico (I watched both games at a mexican restaurant, love that Carlos Vela). Jamaica scored a Hull-wondergoal, but Mexico should have probably scored 10. I don't know what the standings are, or if this even matters for Mexico, but whatever, that's an upset. The reason this concerns me, the Concacaf, I know, is because the 5th place Conmebol team plays the 3rd place (or 4th) Concacaf team to qualify. If it's Mexico that'd REALLY piss me off and would turn me into a serial killer. The ball is in your half Uruguay.
Arsene Wenger cobbled together starting lineups with spit and duct tape and Denilson and somehow the team dragged its ass over the finish line in third or fourth.