Myeoma, myeoma and Weekend Preview

Touch, touch, touch, and touch. If Uruguay does well at the World Cup there is a good chance I'll play this song on repeat and dance for 36 hours straight. Normally Jim Stanley does the Weekend Preview but I've decided to give it a crack.

(all times Eastern)

Saturday

7:45 am - Stoke City vs. Wigan Athletic
Before you immediately X the screen and get annoyed that you've doubly wasted your time reading this blog, just remember that this game is on Espn. So out of principle, since we all want Espn to buy more Premier League games, you should tune in. Not to mention that getting up to watch soccer is the most pleasant of alarm clocks. You can snooze a little during half-time or have breakfast. Soccer this early in the morning is a good thing, even if it is only between two squads that are frisky at best.

10:00 am - Bolton vs. Manchester City
The Citeh is on a tear as of late and this match is on Fox Soccer Channel. In case our reader didn't know, Veetle.com is a nice place to watch any games currently showing on FSC or GolTV if you don't get those channels at home. And so far as I know I haven't downloaded any viruses or had my identity stolen yet. Manchester City is a permanent fixture on my watch-list this year if they don't conflict with the other TLOCA teams because they are one of two teams in my opinion that can break up the big four (pictured*). The other team was Hull City at the beginning of the season but now is more reasonably Tottenham if only for their propensity to explode offensively.

12:30 pm - Manchester United vs. Aston Villa FSC (note the 30 minute lunch break)
As much as I want to hype this contest to be a close one I can't bring myself to do it. United will be playing at Old Trafford having won its last 5 meaningful games and Aston Villa, who choke harder than Latrelle Sprewell, have tied or lost 7 of their last 10 games. Only one of those came against the big four, Chelsea. This one will end 3 nil and by the 80th minute you'll realize suddenly it's been an extremely one-sided contest and a typical United win. BOOOO. Whatever, its still the U, and therefore you must watch.

2:30 pm - Bari vs. Juventus FSC
No, the bitterness hasn't subsided yet. This year the inevitable Juventus crash out of the Champions League was a bit more sour than usual simply because this year's team was a better team than last year, and much more suited for the CL. All of this in spite of the fact that it was clear they didnt' have it, whatever it is that makes a team's impending failures tremendously obvious. Think Hleb and Flamini leaving with no reasonable replacements at Arsenal. So, in summary, David Trezeguet should be starting and that's why you should watch.

Sunday

9:00 am - Atalanta vs. Inter
This is a highly comical match-up we, as followers, are privy to twice a year because Atalanta and Inter have the exact same uniforms. Thus, if you're hung over just enough you might go the whole first half wondering when Inter signed Robert Acquafresca and why he's starting over Samuel Eto'o. To be frank, the only reason I watch Inter nowadays is because I hate Jose Mourinho and I want to understand why Inter, with their mostly uninspiring squad achieves any success at all. I don't get it and it's almost as if every time I watch them play I get further and further from the answer.

11:00 am - Liverpool vs. Arsenal FSC
If you had forgotten, Arshavin scored four goals against this team in what was the most disappointing yet insignificant draw in Arsenal history. I expect a win and even though Torres will be back and will surely score a hat-trick, we should still win 5-3. This game is unfortunately somewhat irrelevant since the season will be decided for Arsenal come January 27th, when they play, in order, Aston Villa, Manchester United, Chelsea and Liverpool. I am not looking forward to that.

Enjoy the weekend.




*From left to right; David Lloyd (Britain), Vittorio Orlando (Italy), George Clemenceau (France) and Woody Wilson (USA). The beauty of this photo, also coined, "The Big Four," is that Arsenal is clearly Clemenceau, Man Utd Woodrow, Chelsea Lloyd, though those two can be interchanged, and Vittorio, Liverpool, is trying to stay relevant even then. I think we know how this story ends. I feel like I've written this before...

The Pots Are In!

Before this blog turns into all things Chelsea, it's time to move on to much, much bigger things.

Pot A
Argentina, Brasil, England, Germany, Italy, Netherlands, South Africa, Spain

Pot B
Australia, Japan, North Korea, South Korea, Honduras, Mexico, United States, New Zealand

Pot C
Algeria, Cameroon, Ivory Coast, Ghana, Nigeria, Chile, Paraguay, Uruguay

Pot D
Denmark, France, Greece, Portugal, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Switzerland

I'm almost never correct in my predictions so it's quite necessary I point out when I am;
"- France has no business being in the "top-seeded" pot. And if Platini doesn't want more controversy on his hands, he'll make sure they're not.
- Holland deserves to be in Pot 1"
That quote was in this post and directly above my prediction that Arsenal would win 3-1 against Chelsea. Yay!

The Forces of Evil Triumph Again

And emphatically, might I add. My brother, a Chelsea supporter, accused me over Thanksgiving of irrationally hating on Chelsea with the joint post that Juan and I put up a few days ago. Well, that's absolutely true - I hate Chelsea. But as I tried to explain, it's not the kind of hate that could be described as disdain or loathing. It's the kind of hate that the Arab states had (and mostly still have) for Israel. The kind you had in second grade for the playground bully. I'm talking about the good old fashioned kind of hate: the kind born of fear.

Today, everyone saw exactly why I feel this way. Chelsea put on an absolute clinic in how to deal with Arsenal. Soak up the pressure. Be patient. Don't try to win the possession battle, because you can't. But make sure that almost everyone is behind the ball, especially when it gets anywhere near the box. Pump balls forward. And whenever possible, whip a low cross into the six yard box and trust that William Gallas will mismanage it 1 out of 5 times. Oh, and have Didier Drogba. That strategy helps a lot.

Chelsea supporters should be really excited about this team. It's true that the ACN will deprive them of some key players, including the aforementioned Drogba, but their schedule during that period isn't overwhelming. They have yet to really suffer the key injuries which have afflicted all three of the other "Big Four" clubs. They're incredibly well organized and they have explosive talent that can win games at any moment. Again, the football isn't the prettiest, but it's incredibly effective. And it's hard to argue about the aesthetics of Drogba's second, which was a beautiful, perfectly placed free-kick, reminiscent of Cristiano or Thierry in his prime. The announcer summed it up perfectly after the opener, though. "Same old story: Arsenal play the football, Chelsea have the goal." And so it goes.

What Do Raymond Domenech and Robert Mugabe Have In Common?

They both refuse to resign. Despite overwhelming pressure from French fans, current and former French players, French and outside media pundits, outside soccer fans and The Legend of Carl Awesome, Raymond Domenech refuses to go away.

Ignore that phenomenal mustache for a moment and look at his resume. He took over in 2004 after France busted out of the Euro's. Since then, to put it simply, France struggled to qualify for the 2006 World Cup and barely made it out of their group. They beat Spain in the knock-out stages, Brasil after that, Portugal after that and finally lost to Italy in the finals. While that improbable run seems to help Domenech's case, in reality it was a result of Zinedine Zidane. In my opinion Zissou was one of the best, if not the best center midfielder to play the game - it's kinda of hard to screw that up even though Domenech really did try.

So France gets Spain in the knockout stages and it doesn't take a soccer historian to recall that Spain is the most disappointing World Cup team probably ever. Spain of course, doesn't disappoint to disappoint (and they'll choke in 2010, book it and don't act surprised when they tear up their group and lose to Australia in the 16's). Then France beats Portugal while enjoying what can be understated as a hostile crowd towards Portugal. Recall that the round before, Cristiano Ronaldo was accused of getting Wayne Rooney a red-card, seen here, after Rooney intentionally stamps a players groin. That video, stunning in its bias and lunacy, perfectly illustrates a laughable English media sentiment with nice xenophobic undertones. It turns out to be one of the most polarizing moments in the World Cup that year and instead of revealing Rooney as the brute fraud he is, ends up beginning the end of Cristiano Ronaldo in England. A shame really, but I digress.

France beats Portugal, Zissou shines bright as ever, and a still quirky, as opposed to clinically insane, Domenech looks like a genius. Coincidentally I develop this headache whenever the talent of the French football team is brought up (Zidane, Ribery, Henry, Viera). Yes, the French do well in the 2006 World Cup and Domenech retains his job, already a controversy in some camps.

Two years pass by and the French Federation gets it's chance to justifiably fire Domenech. France gets embarrassed in the Euro's, and I mean embarrassed. TLOCA laughs with delight as surely this is the end of our nemesis. No.

The struggles continue as a 2010 World Cup birth is in imminent danger before this stylish French guy palms the ball and sends them to South Africa at the expense of Ireland. No replays confirm the Le Main de Dieu part deux and this will totally die out in a few weeks.
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On December 4th the 2010 World Cup draw is scheduled and The Mail has done some hypothesizing on what the pots will be.

Pot 1: South Africa (required), Brazil, Spain, Italy, Germany, Argentina, England, France
Pot 2: Holland, Portugal, Switzerland, Slovenia, Greece, Serbia, Denmark, Slovakia
Pot 3: Uruguay, Paraguay, Ivory Coast, Ghana, Cameroon, Nigeria, Algeria,
Pot 4: Japan, Australia, New Zealand, North Korea, South Korea, United States, Mexico, Honduras

Some minor notes as this is surely wrong, and I'm not blaming the Mail, its just that Fifa makes the Sudan looked like a transparent, trustworthy government.

- France has no business being in the "top-seeded" pot. And if Platini doesn't want more controversy on his hands, he'll make sure they're not.
- Holland deserves to be in Pot 1
- Teams that are not as good as you think: France, Italy, Argentina, Paraguay
- Teams that are alot better than you think: Slovakia, Cameroon, Nigeria, South Korea, Mexico
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A rare event worth noting will occur Sunday, November 29th. The authors of TLOCA will join forces to watch Arsenal beat Chelsea 3-1. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Liverpool to the Europa League. No, There Isn't Anything More Humiliating

Rumor has it that Lyon didn't really, "go for it." That's too bad as Lyon don't owe Liverpool, "squat." The Europa league awaits, or as some here at TLOCA refer to it, the International Carling Cup. ZING!

Darren Fletcher's Black Magic Scottish Kung Fu

In case you missed it, yesterday Darren Fletcher scored what, in my opinion, has to be the goal of the season to date. Here it is, in all its glory. (And if the Arabic commentary doesn't really do it for you, go here and skip ahead to the 4:30 mark.)

United looking sharp again...

On the Grind for the Shine

And we gon' get paid.

That's Chelsea. Grind, grind, grind. Bully the bad teams. Stifle the good ones. Churning through the league like a diamond-headed drill. Just look at that team picture. Have you ever seen a more unlikable assembly of athletes? (Juan contributes below) Look at Ashley Cole's tiny head. He's ready to whine about anything and everything. Look at John Terry's half-smirk. Look at Didier Drogba's dead-eyed stare. Anelka isn't even in this picture, but just go ahead and imagine him making this face. I think the only players I would want on my team from a personal standpoint are Essien and MAYBE Joe Cole (Lampard I admire, and he seems to have matured a lot, but I can't get over the fact that he taunted American tourists on 9/11... pretty low). That being said, you can also look at that picture and see men hungry for trophies. They're selfish and unlikeable, yes, but they'll do anything to get their hands on something shiny. And they're wonderful footballers. Anelka looks lively, Drogba is deadly, Lampard and Ballack dominate midfields, Terry and Carvalho have reemerged as the top central pairing of Premier League defending. It's a team of grizzled mercenaries with a big job to do. And they're doing it quite well at the moment.

Here's Juan's take;
Is Chelsea the least likable team in the world? I think so, and it begins with their players:

Anelka - He needs no hyperbole; his nickname is Le Sulk. The Champions League miss makes him unlikable even to Chelsea fans. Just look at his body language, the man could not care less. His celebrations are trite and worse, lame. Really? A bird? Perhaps a butterfly? If I had to convince you that Anelka is boring and genuinely unpleasant then this post will fall on deaf ears and moreover, a crazy person's ears.

Ivanovic - Quite possibly the dirtiest player in the EPL. I would love to give him that title for all of Europe but there has to be some other miserable asshole worse than him in the Scottish Premier League.

Ashley Cole - Um, yeah; his nickname is Cuntly Cole and he has a more awful attitude than Rihanna pre-Chris Brown's attitude adjustment camp. He never stops complaining and is universally reviled. This is too easy.

Petr Cech - Why is he still wearing that absurd soft-helmet? His accident happened years and years ago. I don't know much about him but the helmet is annoying, that can't be denied.

Michael Ballack - Fans of Germany like Ballack but that sort of proves my point. Ballack has earned no fans from his time at Chelsea. Nobody watches the Premier League and says, hey that Michael Ballack, I like how he never smiles, doesn't seem all that committed and berates refs and teammates. He's uptight and if I wanted I could argue that he has horrendously underachieved in England.

John Obi Mikel - Find me a Mikel jersey outside of Nigeria. I'm not being facetious either, nobody owns a Mikel jersey that they didn't buy on clearance or wasn't a gift from UN peacekeepers.

Didier Drogba - Even though you must respect this ruthless and gifted footballer, it is nearly impossible to like him. The slap, his entire saga with Avram Grant and Scolari. He has to sleep in the bed he's made and when you pwn 80% the premier league and half of Europe you'll tend to be hated by opposing fans. He wants it this way though, make no mistake.

Jose Bosingwa - I actually don't mind him all that much but if Carlos Tevez can fix his horrible burn on the side of his face than surely Jose can shave the worst unibrow in football.

Deco - Eh. Undoubtedly boring is this man. I was excited for him at first but now he reminds me of interest rates or another season of Friends. Ricardo Carvalho goes here too.

Michael Essien- I like him. Since his DUI he's been MIA but hey, he's at least likable I suppose.

So if you've been keeping count then we're left with Frank Lampard and John Terry as the most exciting players on Chelsea. They're certainly the face of Chelsea but let's go ahead an eliminate Terry because I can't think of one single center-back that is authentically moving. Center-backs can't be exciting, sorry. So yeah, Frank Lampard, he's uh, thrilling, just breathtaking to watch... uh no.

[Back to you Jim]

For Arsenal, today was a big wake up call, but it's not the end of the world to lose away to Sunderland. That being said, if the Young Guns want any shot at the league this year, they need to win next Sunday. No excuses, no complaints. I also recognize that Chelsea are going to lose key players for the ACN, but they have a very deep squad (and Arsenal will be losing Alex Song, who is rapidly demonstrating that he might be the most irreplaceable player other than Cesc - who else on the team can play that position?). United are still legitimate, but Chelsea are the real threat. Thus, if we don't win, we better start eyeing the Carling, FA, or Champions League.

More on this later. Enjoy your weekend.