Something Great

Arsene Wenger cobbled together starting lineups with spit and duct tape and Denilson and somehow the team dragged its ass over the finish line in third or fourth.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Post Game Interviews

Here is a post game interview I conducted with some of the players after the thrilling Champions League Final.

(Michael Carrick at the podium)

- What are you doing here?

Uh... I don't know. You know I made my PK right?

-Yeah, that was pretty surprising. I had my mortgage on you missing. After all, you did miss that wide open net from the top of the box.

Those are my two plays. I missed that comebacker that could have really changed the game and I made my PK somehow. Other than that you wouldn't have known I played. Thanks

(Ryan Giggs at the podium)

- Hey muff-city, any reason you awkwardly poked at that sure goal with your left foot instead of passing it into the net with your right?

Well that's because I'm pretty bad at soccer. I'm one of those players that has stuck around a good team for long enough that everyone just associates me with being good. Kind of like Teddy Bruschi...

- Good point. I thought you were going to miss your PK too. Good job... not doing that.


(Michael Ballack enters)

- In big games, you have a phenomenal tendency at shooting over the crossbar.

Today was no different Juan. I really let that pressure build up in my head as I lean back and crush the ball over. I bet you can't remember the last shot from distance I've scored?

-You got me there. (thinking...) Yeah actually, I can remember a head ball or something, and then, like, some tap-in in the box.

Don't know which tap-in you're thinking of but I do score some important headers every now and then. I guess I'll stop shooting from outside the box since it's not really part of my game.

(Didier Drogba at the podium)

- Hey there Didier. I bet you kind of wished you didn't psuedo-slap Tevez?

Well actually, it kind of worked out in my favor. I didn't have to take a PK - that's pretty nerve racking stuff - and plus it let Anelka, who pretty much cared the least out of any player on either side about the outcome of this game, become the goat. I don't care for him too much.

- That's true. You like being "the guy" and if you leave Chelsea, it'll probably be awkwardly to some kind of bad team in a lesser league that you think you'll instantly make better. Checking your stat sheet here you didn't really play during the season but stepped up big in the Champions League.

I don't care for "regular" things. I pretty much ball-outrageous in tournament format - you know, world-cup, african nations, Champs League, that kind of stuff. But I'm not really motivated otherwise.

- That's cool I guess. I'd rather have your 2 goals against Arsenal than somewhere else. Everyone knows you're really talented, we just need to figure out what will make you happy. Because being "the guy" and being on a winning team that carries you at times seems a bit contradictory.

Uber pwnage. Don't forget Liverpool too. Bitchholler.

(Cristiano Ronaldo enters to music)

- There was this one camera shot after Carrick made his PK where you looked pretty nervous. It was that moment that everyone watching pretty much knew you would miss.

Hahaha, was it that obvious? You see, I do that stutter step thing to catch goalies leaning even the slightest bit. Peeps figured out that I do that, so they expect it, so then I thought I'd change it up a bit against Barca. For that one I just ran up and took the shot but I wasn't used to doing that so I messed up. I figured I'd just go back to my same old stutter step again, which is most certainly illegal actually (check the replay, I did step backwards ever so slightly), but I didn't convert this one either.

- You must have been thrilled when Terry missed his. I can see the press salivating at the opportunity to say you're not a "big" game performer.

Well that's all part of it. I did score a pretty sweet header, that freakish aspect of my game that is unnecessarily awesome, on the same play that Owen Hargreaves messed up three times. But now I've just used myself and Owen Hargreaves in the same sentence so I'll just stop there.

- The other thing is that 95% of players take one penalty kick, maybe two a whole year. That gives them the whole, "I always go bottom-left" comfort. Soccer has this weird aspect to its sport where sending your "designated" PK taker doesn't seem to help. It's sort of why John Terry, who is just as capable as you are at converting a penalty kick, is gonna get like, no scruff for this, while you would have been handed to the butcher (even after you had already scored in the game!).

Well I think part of the problem is that fans assume players should convert PKs at a rate consistent with their talent level. In reality, all soccer players beginning from about the highschool level should always make PKs. That's the whole "mental" aspect of it. No professional soccer player in history has missed a penalty kick because they didnt have the footballing talent to place the ball near a corner. Except maybe Diego Lugano, but he's the exception that proves the rule.

- That's true about Lugano, good point. It's interesting how in this modern era you can essentially tell how the media feels about you based on your result of a missed penalty kick. I'm 99% sure that if you, Cristiano, had gone up there and slipped as well, it wouldn't have mattered. Someone probably would have pointed out that you had kicked the ball 50 times that game and never once had your plant foot slipped. Then some other Canadian guy would have been like, "yeah! slipping at that point indicates an even bigger choke job, buddy." I'm not your buddy, friend! I'm not your friend, guy! - the exchange would have been from the rioting Canadians.

I think what you're trying to say is that John Terry probably cheats on his wife, drinks excessively and degrades women like every other average looking soccer player, but at the end of the day, even though he choked on a big black horse penis like a HoneyKey sister, he's still a good guy. Me, on the other hand, I'm like this really handsome 23 year old kid who is obnoxiously good at soccer and can't cheat on my wife yet because I'm not married.

- Yeah, it's part of sports. If everyone liked you, that'd be stupid.

-I think it's pretty safe to say though that you can't miss any more big PKs, alright? You were given new life, something not granted often. You're definitely going to have a PK in the Euros and at least 4 more in the next 2 world cups, so don't miss those and I won't have to rant for 2 hours to protect your image.

I won't. Thanks.


Jim said...

A response to my learned colleague:

Carrick was indeed invisible. Next year I think he'll be lucky to get any starts ahead of Anderson-son-son.

Giggs is left-footed. It wouldn't have even come close to the goal if he'd tried with his right. Also, though he's old now, I think he's had a pretty amazing career. He's one of the few United players I genuinely respect.

Apparently being at Chelsea has allowed Ballack to contract Lampard's Disease (currently in remission in its namesake). The only real symptom is a tendency to try and send the ball as high and wide of the goal as possible, preferably from long range.

John Terry is a CB. It's not usually his job to put the ball in the net. And were it not for Drogba's slap, he wouldn't have even been one of the first five takers. I don't think he can take any blame for this one.

As for Cristiano, it's his job to score. I agree that every professional player should be capable of converting a penalty, but you'd think he'd have that extra mental edge and ability. Yes, the reason everyone wants to jump on his back is because he's young, extremely handsome, unfathomably talented, and perhaps most of all, not English. But you can see how his on the field demeanor can be grating, and even though he's made the leap to best player in the world, a lot of people still can't shake the image they formed of him several years ago when he was all obnoxious flash and little substance.

Conversely, Terry, despite his recent inflated self-worth and brief overratedness (I think people who know football have realized that he's a solid defender, but no longer even the best CB on his team), comes off as a likable guy who really cares about the club. Hell, I'm pretty good friends with a guy who once peed on the floor of a bar, so he gets a pass from me for that one.

I agree with the Drogba assessment. Apparently Milan are interested in him (although who are they not trying to sign right now), but where does a 30 year old striker who usually wants to be the man (except when he doesn't) belong?

Also, you're on your own with that Huneke stuff.

Juan Walcott said...

I love the jeff pee'ing on the floor of a bar reference

and I agree with you about cristi - I had written out a whole paragraph about how he makes it really easy to hate him with the diving/complaining and the "did i really just score so easily" faces, but my rant was getting pretty ridiculous already

i shouldnt slander, ill take it down, my mistake at 145 in the morning

Jake said...

So begins John Terry's recurring Gordan Bombay nightmeres! just a quarter inch to the left JT just a quarter inch!