Something Great

Arsene Wenger cobbled together starting lineups with spit and duct tape and Denilson and somehow the team dragged its ass over the finish line in third or fourth.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Arsene Knows (And So Do I)

That when Cesc isn't on the pitch, Nasri needs to be taking Arsenal's penalties. Go on, show 'em how it's done, Samir:

First one.

And then again (perfect).

Also, the Arsenal fans were in extremely fine voice today. Even I will admit that the support (especially at home) can be a bit weak at times. But today, they outsang Spurs almost the entire match. I couldn't quite make all of them out, but from what I heard, here are the top three Arsenal chants of the night:

(1) "Shall we make a DVD?" (In reference to this.)

(2) "Oh when the Spurs go marching out." (Fantastic appropriation.)

(3) "Are you Tottenham in disguise?" (Standard, but never fails to make me laugh out loud.)

My other thoughts, in no particular order:

- Wilshere and Gibbs are the future, and the future is probably coming a lot sooner than we think. I'm OK with that.

- After Spurs smashed Arsenal 5-1 in the 2008 Carling Cup and finally broke the ten-year spell of Gunners league dominance in April, is this a statement of intent that normal service will be resumed? Whatever.

- The first penalty was a bit soft, but when you get on the wrong side of your man the way Bassong did with Nasri, you're tempting fate. And for the second one, the referee had absolutely no choice. Chamakh didn't exactly try to stay on his feet, but he was obviously impeded. Awful defending, but also very clever passes by Arshavin to put Nasri and Chamakh in position to win those penalties.

- Robbie Keane's goal was definitely offside. And I can't stand him. But Fabianski should have done better - he just couldn't resist the urge to add more fuel to the "Fabianski is terrible please God sell him every time he plays he screws something up" bonfire. It's a raging bonfire. Sometimes I think he's doing it on purpose just to see how poorly someone can play and yet still suit up for Arsenal. Someone check and see if he's placed any bets on how long he stays in the team.

But I digress. A great result. And fair play to the kid below, if I were a Spurs supporter I'd be weeping, too.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

So, What Have We Learned?























Harsh, hateful words from the fictional Sr. Guardiola, the use of which I in no way condone. In every other way, hilariously spot-on. And now, the week in review:

1) Tomas Rosicky should never, ever come near an Arsenal penalty again. Why Chamakh, whose primary purpose in life is the scoring of goals, or Nasri, who has ice water pumping through his gangster, Marseilles-ghetto veins, didn't take that spot kick against Sunderland I'll never know. Arsene was similarly nonplussed.

2) Sam Allardyce may be on some dangerous, hard drugs. The man is seriously delusional.

3) Manchester United are, in fact, somewhat fragile at the back. The discipline and steel of past years is missing. Evans and O'Shea are, quite frankly, not very good at the moment. Or as the English say: "crap."

4) However, Dimitar Berbatov is settling in quite nicely, thank you very much. Cruising along, smooth as a big body Lexus, he put in another finishing master class. Haters gon' hate, and Berba don't care. Get that money, Berba. Buy yourself another Argentina replica jersey. Maybe go for Spain this time, actually.

5) Barthalona and Real Mourinho are both capable of ugly, gutsy wins. But as Juan mentioned with regard to Barca last week, when you put out those lineups, you expect to win at any cost, by any means. See above cartoon.

6) Zlatan Ibrahimovic is probably a sociopath. Maybe he's so humorless and borderline autistic because he's constantly being scrutinized and criticized despite being one of the most prolific goalscorers in Europe. (See above cartoon.) Something I like to call Anelka Syndrome. But it's much more likely that he's just a huge jerk regardless of what the press says about him. At any rate, he's still really good at scoring goals, especially when his feet are firmly planted on Italian soil.

7) Having Florent Malouda as the captain of your fantasy EPL team has been a very good idea. Not to pat myself on the back or anything. But seriously, we won't learn anything new about Chelsea until next weekend's trip to the City of Manchester Stadium. I'm hoping (as always) for a Wayne Bridge winner that deflects off John Terry's groin.

8) Roma were clearly demoralized by how last season ended, and they look stuck in preseason mode. That squad is more than capable of winning the league this year. Frankly, it's confusing. And the pressure may be getting to the tinkerman.

9) It's official: there's something seriously wrong with Fernando Torres. I know I'm about three months too late with that obvious announcement, but I was willing to overlook his subpar World Cup display due to his injury struggles (and the general overhype that accompanies every star into a new tournament after performing fantastically at their last tournament - in this case, Euro 2008). But he really does not look like himself. (I believe) he won the penalty and the free kick that gave Liverpool a way back into the Northwest Derby, but anyone who watched that entire match knows that something is up.

10) Everybody should move to Barcelona (see Juan's excellent dispatch from the Camp Nou below). Beautiful football, beautiful women, and delicious sandwiches (mostly likely prepared by beautiful women and then enjoyed whilst watching beautiful football). Sigh. Get the couch bed ready, good sir.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

A Night In Barcelona

The Camp Nou is on the west side of the city and surrounded by three or four metro stations within walking distance. I got off at Les Corts and after each stop along the way, the number of Barcelona jerseys in the car increased more and more. I was wearing Arsenal Red, though just the colors, not the jersey. I emerge from the metro on Travessera de les Corts, a busy street lined with bars and Barca supporters spilling out of the entrances. Everyone is holding a cold beer, Estrella presumably, and I'm beginning to worry about scalping a ticket since so far nobody has yelled out, entradas!

The stadium from the outside is not special at all. It's mostly gray cement and covered with broad stairs that lead to narrow passageways. The sidewalk lights are draped with Barcelona colors and paraphernalia. Pep Guardiola, so far, is the most common face on billboards and bus stops. I am about 50 yards from the ticket counter when I see the first stadium volunteer. He's wearing an official Champions League orange mesh vest and I can no longer suppress a gigantic smile. Grinning, surely like fool, I am immediately approached by a scalper.

It's a short, tan, worn out looking fellow with a hardly comprehensible smokers voice. "100 euros, pero te lo doy por la mitad," he says, grabbing my shoulder. "No lo tengo," I reply, ready to brush him off. "40", he counters. I smile - that was easy. No lo tengo. 35! "No tengo efectivo," I say - and it's true, I only have 20 euros cash. "Dimé," he says. That means say a number. "Tengo veinte." He throws up his hands - imposible, he mutters, and walks away.

By the time I make it to the counter, 5 other individuals, each with an increasing number of facial defects and each more and more tan approaches. They're a touchy bunch, constantly grabbing you like they would a rescued prisoner. I make it to the window, a small 2ft by 2ft square with a younger, volunteer-looking-fellow sitting with a keyboard in his lap. "Lo mas barato que puedas," I say, asking for the cheapest thing he's got. 42 is his reply. I almost throw my credit card at him. Meanwhile, at the window next to me, a man is debating rather loudly with a scalper while also talking to a ticket agent. It's quite a scene and nobody leaves happy. I get my ticket, a glossy silver paper with silver threads offset from the center. It's in the Champions League font - they spared no detail - and I ascend toward the stadium, almost jogging.

More Champions League vests, I nod hello to them all. I emerge from the tunnel and wow. The grass is glowing green, the pitch is perfect. It sounds silly, but it looks exactly like it does on TV. What you don't see on TV is the sun setting behind the hills outside of the stadium. A few minutes later Panathinaikos comes out to warm up. Booooo! says the half-full stands. It would only fill to about 70% capacity - 68 thousand said the regular-tron.

Barca FC comes out to cheers, of course, and Carlos Puyol looks just a silly as I imagined. The starting line-up is: Victor Valdez, Abidal, Pique, Puyol, Dani Alves, Busquets, Xavi, Iniesta, Pedro, Messi, and David Villa. Um, yeah. Looks like Barca want the win. They'd get it.

Messi and Alves warm up together, closest to the sideline. They like to be seen. Triangle passing, some cutting-drills, some stretching and they're done. The only thing of note is that they didn't do any 3-vs-1's. I thought that was required by all teams at every level. It must be a sign of weakness because the Greeks get smashed. Cue the official Barcelona song. In order to re-create the effect, find 60-thousand volunteers to do the "clapclapclap" and then Barca!, Barca! BaaaaarrrrrrrCA! Just mumble the rest. Next cue the best soccer song ever. Yes, they play it over the loud speakers and yes, they shake the tarp. I pinch myself.

Barcelona comes out of the gate on fire. They instantly dominate possession and the first crowd OHHHHH, comes at the 2 minute mark. It's easy to say now, but it immediately looks like this is going to be a rout. I'm perfectly fine with that. So is Panathinaikos by the look of it. They settle in defensively and quite literally by the 1oth minute it has a feel of a 1-nil lead that the away team is trying to hold. Everyone knows that isn't going to happen.

Or is it. Uh-oh in the 20th minute. By my estimate it was the 4th pass connected by the Greeks. A long-ball by the goalie reaches Gibril Cisse, who flicks deftly onto Govou. Mr. Govou outruns Abidal, who looks caught in slow-motion. The side of the net ruffles, Valdez looks at Abidal confused and the crowd mutters for a moment. I begin to swear - I'm trying to fit in - but just like that, less than 5 seconds after the goal, the stadium erupts in the loudest song to this point. Puyol gesticulates at David Villa, Pedro and Messi. Xavi is still working on his 5-o'clock-shadow look, without fail. The game resumes exactly where it left off, Barcelona with 78% possession to Pana's 22%. Three minutes later Barcelona scores, and the first standing ovation is unleashed. Messi lulls his defender asleep and Xavi (I believe) gives him a bouncing through-ball that Leo handles quite well. 1-1.

At this point it is worth mentioning that if you have a hot girlfriend you are apparently required by Catalan ordinance to take her to the Camp Nou. This is where couples go to be seen. A tight fitting Barca jersey, skinny jeans and some nice sandals is the dress code. The girls pay attention to the game too. Not that I was staring at one sitting one row down and 9 seats over, but she seemed to understand what was happening. In the seats and in Barcelona in general, couples are very affectionate. They pet each other constantly and girls often gaze for longer than 30 seconds into their partner's eyes. If you yelled at them to get a room, they would probably appreciate the suggestion. There is no attractive girl at the game by herself, only fatter ones.

Villa scores the 2nd from a Busquets, aka, Boooo-see header. It's well taken but horrible marking is most responsible from the corner set. Right before half, this happens. After the first give-and-go I begin to laugh sarcastically because everyone sees what Messi is trying to pull off. Um. What? He actually puts it home after a double give-and-go? Now we get the loudest cheer and many members of the crowd are gesticulating "NO MAS, NO MAS", like a hurt fighter. Jack Buck, I don't believe what I just saw. I'm cheering a little too much for an Argentian and I start to feel embarrassed.

Half-time. Everyone pulls out their sandwiches wrapped in foil. It's thin french bread with soprata/ham/salami, cheese and peppers. It looks delicious. Say dude, where'd you get that? "My wife made it at home, (his 3 friends with their mouths full nod in agreement), but you can get a hotdog outside." I pass. Not after seeing them eat those sandwiches. The women do not eat in public.

The first half felt long. I was happy about that, I was afraid it was going to fly by. The second half starts about 30 seconds after Barcelona took the field. They waste no time. Messi at the penalty spot for a hattrick. He misses. I give a small, unnoticed fist pump; that makes up for all my cheering before. It's still Messi... Messi... Meeeeessi. Two moments worth noting in the second half. Pedro gets a through ball, has a great angle on the keeper, and I'm not kidding, he looks to pass! He fumbles the ball a bit, tries to pull it back out (the goal mouth still gaping) and eventually turns it over. Xavi scolds him. Why didn't you shoot man! Are you crazy!, he probably said in perfect Catalan. Messi hits the post from no angle, twice - off the inside of one, off the inside of the other - and Pedro finishes to a hint of sarcastic clapping. This game is officially over, though it has been over for an hour. On the death, Dani Alves heads home a scoop pass from Leo, who has looked semi-desperate for his hat-trick after missing that PK. The crowd heads for the tunnels, factions of songs break out, smiles abound. Just another Tuesday night in Barcelona.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Liverpool vs. Arsenal Game Summary

A 1-1 draw at Anfield started Arsenal's 2010 campaign off with a bang. This bang being mostly inaudible, a mild sedative and quite forgettable.

Liverpool

Pepe Reina - Y con el veinte!... Con un autogol fenomenalllll! Yo, Pepe Reina!!. Nice job assclown. Before his fantastic OG, though not even close to the best Liverpool OG, he saved a few menacing shots. The match is not judged on your first 88 minutes. Sorry.

Skrtel/Carragher - The oldish and sneaky combo provided an excellent foundation and even avoided silly fouls. With Samir Nasri taking free-kicks, they could have fouled wherever they wanted without a care in the world so I guess it's nice they didn't prowl around hoofing left and right. Only once fresh legs came on for Arsenal did their tiredness show.

Glen Johnson - I think Liverpool's strategy from the onset was most evident with Johnson's play. He rarely got forward, instead choosing to forgo his typical overlapping runs. His only mark on the game was a menacing shot that drew a corner - otherwise a quiet affair. A red card will do that to a defense.

Masherano - A quintessential performance from the grumpy Argentine: a few good tackles, a few fouls and a scrappy assist. His five-o-clock shadow, unruly hair and his sweat which smelled of cheap whiskey led me to believe he might not have the best game. I was wrong.

Steven Gerrard - Captain Fantastic spent a good deal on defense. He tracked back well and broke up a few Arsenal possessions. I don't remember his presence offensively at all, again, a red card will do that.

Fernando Torres - He didn't start, but was a substitute. There was one moment where I was convinced he had undressed Koscielny and was going to score but the Frenchman recovered nicely. Fernando made no impact otherwise. In my opinion he's still a few games away.


Arsenal

Almunia - He had no major gaffes, which is a blessing in itself. That is unless you count being beaten at your near post from a shot, albeit a well placed one, from a tight angle as a gaffe. Lets settle on minor gaffe. Kill me now if he's our 1st choice keeper for the whole season.

Vermaelen - Suddenly Thomas is the wily veteran tasked with anchoring a top-4 defense. He wasn't necessarily conservative as a few times I noticed his deep runs. He never got the ball when he streaked forward though and only contributed offensively with a hard, but not well placed, free kick. Technically it was he who was beaten by David Ngog, as he was a half-step too slow after our turnover.

Jack Wilshire - Speaking of turnover, it was Jack's slightly off-footed fan-job on a pass that made its way straight to Masherano's foot. He turned the ball over alot and while I was rooting for him vigorously at the beginning of the game, soon it became evident he was trying to survive like Michael Cera at the grown-ups party in Superbad. He maybe gets by with Cesc as his midfield partner but certainly not with Nasri. To me it looked like his nerves showed and he seemed to be over-thinking.

Abou Diaby -
El Diablo had some nice tricks but little substance. See current definition of Arsenal attack.

Andrei Arshavin - The Russian made no impact whatsoever, which is odd with this in mind. (Just look at that run...it looks like he was shot out of a cannon. We fu*&ing tied that game by the way). Rumor has it that Andrei was tired all week and not fully fit. I believe it.

Chamakh - I'm glad he scored the winner because that play is exactly the type of commitment I saw out of him at Bordeaux. There was no flip this time around but he proved that at Arsenal he will still risk the bumps and bruises that are required to poach a valuable goal.


Final Summary

Arsenal looked exhausted for reasons I cannot explain. Perhaps the World Cup is to blame but the action on Saturday does not back this up. Both teams came out cautiously and after Joe Cole's red card - which was nice to see even if it was harsh because after all, red cards are supposed to deter potentially dangerous tackles, not be the result of acl's snapping in half - Liverpool were more than content to hang on to a 1-nil lead. The most worrisome aspect of Arsenal's uninspiring performance is that Rosicky, off the bench, seemed to be the spark. With Nasri and Wilshire erm-um-hmmm'ing around the pitch, the presence of Fabregas was sorely missed. I have yet to hear an argument to explain his World Cup hangover, him and I having played similar minutes. The prevailing theme after this game is that a point at Anfield is always a good result. I question that that because Liverpool scraped to finish 7th three months ago. Last year they dropped 15 points at home, the same as Birmingham.

Blackpool at home should be no problem at all. Repeat, no problem at all. But they did put 4 on Wigan and they have a gigantic oaf for a striker that I can see ramming the ball in with his thighs. A three goal victory with no ankles broken (except Alumnia and Fabianski) is all Arsenal needs to ease the nerves.

Until then.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

7 Hours of Soccer Later

And we're just getting started.

At around 10:15 today I yawned, took another swig of Guinness, and felt for the void. It was gone. Soccer was back. Tottenham and Manchester City played what might be the most exciting nil-nil draw I can remember. In summary, Joe Hart made Robert Green and David James look like drunken hobos. Next up was Everton vs. Blackburn. After ten minutes of boring play, and worse, sharp pink Everton jerseys burning my retinas, it was time to change the channel. When Ted and I arrived at the Aston Villa game it was 1-nil to Villa and already they were on their 9th corner. The play flowed nicely, Villa's checkered-trim jerseys pleased the eyes, and the defense was abject. A professional finish from James Milner turned Villa park into a swimming pool and the commentators cued up nostalgic, "Is this the last goal for James Milner in a Villa jersey? :( " questions.

This is no time for a rant, but James Milner leaving Villa for Saudi oil money is wrong in every sporting way. He is a hero at Villa and a key contributor for a competitive squad. The only foreseeable upgrade for him is wages, and the cost is likely to be all sporting aspects that kids dream about when they say they want to be a professional footballer. These kids have obviously never been paid. But this story is as close as you can get to formulating an equation for the price of greatness, as it were. For an extra 20% on his salary, Milner is no longer adored, no longer a hero, no longer "the guy", and who knows if he'll still start next year. I'm sure Adebayor thought he'd be a regular too. That's probably a bad comparison though, because he was never adored. (We've got Arshavin...something something Adebayor)

Anyway. Milner is surely off to join the other 45 over-paid mercenaries at Manchester Citeh. Only 25 of which, are relevant. Grill up a sausage, pick up some toasted ravioli and a dollop of the best German garlic-mustard I have ever had was the lunch menu during the Chelsea - blank fixture.

The commentators, as if watching a horse be put down, introduced the West-Brom lineup. "Well this is unlucky for West Brom -- the fixture computer drawing them against Chelsea." Ha! As if the title holders were going to open against anything other than a punching bag. Six-nil was my call - I have a witness - and it made me no money because I put nothing on it. In fact, after Chelsea's inexcusable second goal, the product of a gaping wall, it was nap time. "And its FOUR for Chelsea... ... Five-nil to the champions... ... Well taken for SIX".

It wasn't the greatest nap, though I did wake up refreshed. The Bolton-Fulham replay came on; we already knew the outcome and immediately turned it off.

"We just conquered seven hours of soccer and it feels great," Ted said. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I can't wait. We're just getting started.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Charles Goodly Update


In the most convoluted fashion, Our Founder, Carlos Bueno will "not continue" at Peñarol. Apparently the decision was brought to an 11 person board of directors at Peñarol and 10 voted no, while 1 voted yes. The team is currently looking for "European suitors" since Carl is on contract until December. This is when everyone who has ever enjoyed any moments of this blog should pray that he ends up in northeastern Spain or southwestern France so that I can stal-um-watch him at least once. Real Sociedad in particular would be great.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Signs Of Withdrawal

Did you know that we live in a world where a man cannot buy a World Cup Diego Forlan Home jersey replica? A horrible world indeed.

This is how much I miss soccer; I found myself watching Juventus play the New York Red Bulls last night on FSC. Juve lost 3-1. It was an earlier replay from May 23rd and um, I watched it then too. This means I watched a two-month-old International Friendly that I had already seen...
August 15th is how many days away? 25 you say? Damn. Until then, here are updates on TLOCA allegiances.

Arsenal FC
The Cesc Fabregas saga has gone on for so long that I personally believe he will now never leave Arsenal. For at least 2 years. For at least 1 year. We're definitely keeping him this year.

Arsenal's first 5 games are: @Liverpool, Blackpool, @Blackburn, Bolton, @Sunderland.
I fully expect 15 points and a lovely +10 goal differential. While we're here, the Premiership will be decided this year in November and December for the Gunners beginning on Nov 14th:
@Everton, Tottenham, @Villa, Fulham, @United, Blah, Chelsea.
If we manage 14 points or more during that stretch, then Arsenal will be in pole position for the final stretch. Book it. Write it down. Do whatever you do with simple predictions like this.

US National Team
Rumors abound that the US Soccer Federation would like to secure Bob Bradley's future. This is a bad idea. To be sure, Bradley has neither underachieved nor overachieved with the talent he selected and is by no means a manager worth firing/letting go. I am simply a firm believer that National team head coaches should be changed every four years regardless of the outcome. Too many allegiances form during an incredibly long and drawn out qualifying campaign and coaches inevitably develop favorites. Outside of the obvious, Bradley trusts certain players for better - Feilhaber, Bradley - or for worse - Clark, Beasley. As a squad ages, it becomes impossible for an entrenched manager to objectively decide which older players to let go and which ones to keep (See Lippi, Marcelo). For example, by 2014, Tim Howard will be 35. Carlos Bocanegra will be 35. Clint Dempsey will be 32. Landon Donovan will be 33. I am not saying who should make the team, simply that Bradley might not be the best person to do so either. And if Jurgen Klinsmann wants the job for god's sake give it to him!

AS Roma
There isn't much news on the Italian front (release your schedule already!!) but in case you missed it, Roma signed Adriano, the Brasilian phenom who might finally have partied himself out. That means Adriano will join forces with Toni and Totti up front to form the most capricious strike force in professional football. They may run off 15 goals in three games or record only 3 shots attempted in five. Their back line remains quite great with Rossi, Juan, Mexes and Riise and the Roman side should make some noise this year again. This squad finished only 2 points back of Inter last year when they were fire burnin on the dance floor, so never count them out.

TH14Titi Henry, in what can only be Jim's wildest dream, signed for the New York Red Bulls and will play while Jimbo is in New York. And he's making his debut against Tottenham - hence my inclusion of Jim's favorite picture in the world (Click here to blow it up, priceless). Whatever you've done to deserve this Jim please let me know, that way David Trezeguet will sign for DC United and debut against Inter Milan. I demand a blog-post describing the event.

Air McBride
Brian still plays for the Chicago Fire - a team name I just realized after vague google searches is inappropriate - at 38 years old. He started practically all of last year and has 4 goals so far this year. In fact, on August 8th, Brian McBride might be on the field at the same time as Thierry Henry in what will surely be a 10-11 shoot-out in which both players score double hattricks in the first half.

Leo Messi
Messi recently finished his vacation in Rio and visited Haiti after setting a world cup record for most shots attempted in a World Cup without a goal. Unlike Wayne Rooney though, Messi clearly made an impact in every game he played and his talents aren't questioned. I will hopefully write alot more about Messi after seeing him play in person.

Super Robert Pires
The Arsenal legend's contract has not been extended at Villareal but he is rumored to be on his way to Ligue-1 Saint Etienne. He may also get paid in Qatar (see Cannavaro, Che) or with Jim's luck he will also sign with the New York Red Bulls.

Uruguayan National Team
I seriously can't find that beautiful jersey. If I were in to getting out-bidden by 1 penny after days of stressing I'd turn to Ebay but I'm not. Yet...

Juventus FC
Rumours abound that The Old Lady are after my man Diego Forlan. There can be no worse Diego already on the team, so that's probably a good thing. My patience with Juventus is razor-thin, so it's best to wait and see. Also, Juve didn't pick up Martin Caceres' loan option of 12milli and he's back to Barcelona. Again, not much news on the Italian front.

Peñarol
Our founder, Carlos Bueno, is back on the team after Real Sociedad inexplicably did not pick up his loan option. Uruguayan domestic soccer takes off for Christmas break around mid-December and doesn't resume until late January. That makes it just about impossible to see him play in the flesh. He also not so secretly hates Peñarol after they refused to pay him his contract and sued him during his subsequent tantrum. El Pais, Uruguay's newspaper, claims that Bueno's future will be decided shortly. If he doesn't find a place in Spain where I can see him play live for the first time I'll be so damn depressed. This story is developing rapidly so stay tuned.

Cristiano Ronaldo
He has an heir apparently and this is a big deal. A, uh, huge deal. Yeah, the rumors of him being infertile can now be put to rest. I'm simply amazed that he can walk after the repeated murder attempts he received when he played Spain. The officiating that game was a disgrace.

Storybook Runs
Uruguay. This is probably the only video I haven't seen. It's awesome. And finally...

Luca Toni
, Wet Hair