Something Great

Arsene Wenger cobbled together starting lineups with spit and duct tape and Denilson and somehow the team dragged its ass over the finish line in third or fourth.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Back To Your Corners - Round 1 Euro Breakdown

Four days later the first round of Euro2008 is complete. Here's the breakdown...

- These teams just got on the elevator with Paris Hilton and feel pretty good about their chances:

Spain - David Villa and Fernando Torres both picked up record endorsement offers from CutCo after their performance against Russia. The small forwards played huge soccer and made a scoring chance out of just about every possession. The Spanish midfield, like a nice Lane Bryant bra, supported the big two up top nicely. I like Xavi and his explosiveness but as an Arsenal supporter I have to believe Cesc Fabregas could have done an equal if not better job than Iniesta.

The Red Fury however would not be complete without a shaky back four. It's really a back two as Sergio Ramos and Campdevilla play midfield 95% of the time. Regardless, the back two of Puyol and that other guy I can't remember were not good. After the World Cup I started a Carlos Puyol Isn't Good and Is Actually Pretty Bad facebook group, but alas, nobody joined - I think the title was too long.

Holland - I've been meaning to look up why "the Netherlands," is what Holland is being called these days but Jeff accidentally canceled our internet connection. Unlike my extremely slow stolen internet connection though, Holland's counter attack proved fast and effective. Ruud redirected home a goal that his wife thinks about during sex and Sneijder proved to everyone why he's on a club like Real Madrid. Everything went right for Holland and if Le Oranje really love me, they'll beat France the same way.

Germany - What a better way to stick it to the Pols then to shoot two bullets into their hearts with one of their own. Its no wonder Podoslki didn't celebrate all that much after his goals seeing as how Benedict Arnold was the only one clapping.

Ze Germans need a better game out of super Mario Gomes, Jansen and Ballack. Unless he starts taking Cialis though, something tells me Ballack will never satisfy me.

Portugal - I have them to win it all so they better do well. I would appreciate if Pepe wasn't their leading goal scorer but they looked pretty comfortable. How hot is Nuno Gomes by the way - I never knew he was so attractive. Him and Cristi must clean up.

Czech Republic - I'm still bitter about these Slovakia haters. No analysis for them.

Croatia - The penalty was whack and they actually should have drew or even lost this game. Consider yourself lucky Croatia. They do have really sweet jerseys though - love that checkboard.

Sweden - I will never forget Ibrahe'sogood's face after he scored that laser beam. He actually had three different celebrations. He started with complete disbelief, then he shot his guns in the air and then with his teammates around him he started the arm pumps. What a goal.

As for the second, the announcers cracked me up, I'll let them finish this section.

"A greek tragedy really!?!"

- The following teams couldn't get her to come upstairs but did get the, "I had fun, lets do this again" text message afterwards and feel like they're still in it.

- Unless you watched the game you wouldn't have known how close they were to evening the score. Not until five minutes after the third goal did I feel they were finally done. The only problem is that they only started playing well when Italian legends of the fall, Fabio Grosso and Del Piero came in. Donadoni has some fairly simple decisions to make in my book.

Also, how surprising is it that 5th place AC Milan's struggleville trio of Gattuso, Pirlo and Ambrossini continued their crappy play a few hundred miles north... The answer is... not at all surprising.

Romania - They played for the draw, they got one point. "Job done" as english speaking Romanians say. Now all they have to do is draw with Italy and win against an already-having-clinched Netherlands side and they're through. Sometimes in the group of death you have to advance in interesting ways.

Austria/Switzerland - dear referees, How about a call? Sincerely, Co-Hosts. These two squads made like Jim Halpert in the 2nd season of The Office - hard work that better effing pay off in the end. I still have hope, so long as they get a friggin call.

Russia - This team just got housed by the Spanish Inquisition but they actually played pretty well. It's unfortunate for them that Sweden/Greece didn't share 2 points, but don't count Russia out. They hit the post (when the game was still 1-0) and even scored late.

Poland/Turkey - I thought they were fiesty. They lost to the favourites, that's all.

These two teams just found out she's a dude:

France - I think the problem is just that Domenech's wife is a slut.

Greece - when your strategy is great defense and counter-attack, you should probably make sure Zlatan doesn't end your day. Get a new goalie too, Nikopopoulis is terrible. His nickname is George Clooney and he just finished making Ocean's 12 (and 13). Both those movies really, really sucked.

Here is Jeff's call of the second goal -

"Grab the ball goalie... Grab that ball! You IDIOT!!!"


Jim said...

Excellent analysis. I couldn't agree more with your take on the Italian midfield; that trio was good enough for fifth in the Serie A, so what made Donadoni think their results would be any different here? Andrea Pirlo has literally been dead since August 2007, yet both the Milanese and the Italians insist on parading his lifeless corpse across the field through the use of an intricate system of wires.

Were I on facebook, I would ask for an officer position in the Puyol group. I feel strongly about this.

I like that Domenech applauded the extremely dull French performance as he walked off the field. I wonder if he'll clap as hard when he sees the sex tape Giuly made with his wife.

Ben said...

I would also like an officer position in the Puyol group. He does suck, like Marquez, but for some reason, people think he's good, because he's the 'good' defender on a good time.

Holland has been used because two provinces were combined to make the Netherlands and they were North and South Holland. So while the country is called Holland at times, it is incorrect. It's like calling the United Kingdom England, or calling the USSR Russia.

I really thought Austria and Switzerland both deserved points, if not a victory for the Swiss. They didn't get a call, and got screwed. Losing Frei will hurt. He's the only one in the whole country who can score a goal.

To the next set of games!

Jim said...

Just something I noticed this morning when I was looking at the full Italian squad:

Gattuso, Ambrosini, Pirlo (AC Milan, 5th Place)

This has already been commented on to death, but how about this:

De Rossi, Perrotta, Aquilani (Roma, 2nd Place)

If Donadoni wants to play one team's entire midfield, perhaps he should go with the players from the significantly better team.

Juan Suarez said...

hahahahaha, its actually an incredible observation jimbo jones. Call donadoni right now, i have a great phone card you can use... pennytalk

Jim said...

I wouldn't call Donadoni. I'd call my best friend in Sao Paulo. We grew up togedder.

Jim said...

You wanted it, you got it! France look terrible. Domenech will surely lose his job after this tournament.

As for the Netherlands, what a spanking they've now administered to both World Cup finalists. That defense is still a little suspect, but who needs defense when you can score goals like that?