Four days later the first round of Euro2008 is complete. Here's the breakdown...
- These teams just got on the elevator with Paris Hilton and feel pretty good about their chances:
Spain - David Villa and Fernando Torres both picked up record endorsement offers from CutCo after their performance against Russia. The small forwards played huge soccer and made a scoring chance out of just about every possession. The Spanish midfield, like a nice Lane Bryant bra, supported the big two up top nicely. I like Xavi and his explosiveness but as an Arsenal supporter I have to believe Cesc Fabregas could have done an equal if not better job than Iniesta.
The Red Fury however would not be complete without a shaky back four. It's really a back two as Sergio Ramos and Campdevilla play midfield 95% of the time. Regardless, the back two of Puyol and that other guy I can't remember were not good. After the World Cup I started a Carlos Puyol Isn't Good and Is Actually Pretty Bad facebook group, but alas, nobody joined - I think the title was too long.
Holland - I've been meaning to look up why "the Netherlands," is what Holland is being called these days but Jeff accidentally canceled our internet connection. Unlike my extremely slow stolen internet connection though, Holland's counter attack proved fast and effective. Ruud redirected home a goal that his wife thinks about during sex and Sneijder proved to everyone why he's on a club like Real Madrid. Everything went right for Holland and if Le Oranje really love me, they'll beat France the same way.
Germany - What a better way to stick it to the Pols then to shoot two bullets into their hearts with one of their own. Its no wonder Podoslki didn't celebrate all that much after his goals seeing as how Benedict Arnold was the only one clapping.
Ze Germans need a better game out of super Mario Gomes, Jansen and Ballack. Unless he starts taking Cialis though, something tells me Ballack will never satisfy me.
Portugal - I have them to win it all so they better do well. I would appreciate if Pepe wasn't their leading goal scorer but they looked pretty comfortable. How hot is Nuno Gomes by the way - I never knew he was so attractive. Him and Cristi must clean up.
Czech Republic - I'm still bitter about these Slovakia haters. No analysis for them.
Croatia - The penalty was whack and they actually should have drew or even lost this game. Consider yourself lucky Croatia. They do have really sweet jerseys though - love that checkboard.
Sweden - I will never forget Ibrahe'sogood's face after he scored that laser beam. He actually had three different celebrations. He started with complete disbelief, then he shot his guns in the air and then with his teammates around him he started the arm pumps. What a goal.
As for the second, the announcers cracked me up, I'll let them finish this section.
"A greek tragedy really!?!"
- The following teams couldn't get her to come upstairs but did get the, "I had fun, lets do this again" text message afterwards and feel like they're still in it.
Italy - Unless you watched the game you wouldn't have known how close they were to evening the score. Not until five minutes after the third goal did I feel they were finally done. The only problem is that they only started playing well when Italian legends of the fall, Fabio Grosso and Del Piero came in. Donadoni has some fairly simple decisions to make in my book.
Also, how surprising is it that 5th place AC Milan's struggleville trio of Gattuso, Pirlo and Ambrossini continued their crappy play a few hundred miles north... The answer is... not at all surprising.
Romania - They played for the draw, they got one point. "Job done" as english speaking Romanians say. Now all they have to do is draw with Italy and win against an already-having-clinched Netherlands side and they're through. Sometimes in the group of death you have to advance in interesting ways.
Austria/Switzerland - dear referees, How about a call? Sincerely, Co-Hosts. These two squads made like Jim Halpert in the 2nd season of The Office - hard work that better effing pay off in the end. I still have hope, so long as they get a friggin call.
Russia - This team just got housed by the Spanish Inquisition but they actually played pretty well. It's unfortunate for them that Sweden/Greece didn't share 2 points, but don't count Russia out. They hit the post (when the game was still 1-0) and even scored late.
Poland/Turkey - I thought they were fiesty. They lost to the favourites, that's all.
These two teams just found out she's a dude:
France - I think the problem is just that Domenech's wife is a slut.
Greece - when your strategy is great defense and counter-attack, you should probably make sure Zlatan doesn't end your day. Get a new goalie too, Nikopopoulis is terrible. His nickname is George Clooney and he just finished making Ocean's 12 (and 13). Both those movies really, really sucked.
Here is Jeff's call of the second goal -
"Grab the ball goalie... Grab that ball! You IDIOT!!!"