Happy Thanksgiving (Except you, Arsenal)

I hope everyone is having a great holiday, despite Arsenal's best efforts to ruin it. The panic button shouldn't be pushed yet, but I understand if you're hunched over the button with your arm raised and glancing around with crazy eyes.

This Saturday against Aston Villa, the Gooners have the opportunity to start off the weekend in amazing fashion. And I'm not referring to the three points. Those will be nice of course, but I'm most referring to timing of it all.

It's a long weekend, it's the holidays, and Arsenal is the opening ceremony. An Arsenal win means the United-Blackburn match is exceedingly more enjoyable. You get to be that guy at the bar wearing Arsenal red, oooh-ing and aah-ing obnoxiously over every Blackburn miss. You can drink your beer with a conspicuous air of entitlement, talk loudly about how, "Wayne seems to have lost a step", and still leave happy after United win 2-nil. The day has just begun.

After an early lunch of leftover turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes, the Serie A is there for dessert. AC Milan and their enigmatic all-stars face a tricky Sampdoria side to increase their lead atop the table. Then comes Juventus, or rather, the Milo Krasic show, on FSC. If you haven't tuned in to see Milo Krasic run circles around slow Serie A defenders, this is your chance. The Old Lady has a swagger about them lately, so lets hope they keep it up.

Before you drift off to sleep in the wonderful food comatose that can only occur this time of year, let Diego Forlan tuck you in. The World Cup's best player leads Atletico Madrid against Barcelona's younger brother, Espanyol. With rumors of a scoring drought, Doug E Fresh set the record straight against Osasuna, and ever since, he and Kun Aguero have been running trains on La Liga defenders.

On Sunday, Liverpool will beat Tottenham after Chelsea loses to Newcastle and the Rams, who are shockingly relevant this year, will pull out a nice road victory a mile in the air. You'll say goodbye to family, eat one more turkey sandwich for the road and wonder why you don't make 15 pound turkeys more often because the leftovers are so damn good. Unfortunately, it can't be replicated; it won't be same if it's not Nov 25th, but you knew that already.

None of these things will happen if Arsenal comes out and loses. So yeah, no pressure.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Fresh Juicy Mangoes

Dan Quayle would be proud of this fellow. For the neutral observer, it was a fantastic weekend of football. As an Arsenal supporter, it wasn't so great; I'll just quickly say a few words about that stinker against Newcastle and it's this: no excuses. We put out almost as strong a squad as we could; no Vermaelen or fit RVP, but whatever, this is almost as good as it gets. Cesc, Nasri, Wilshere, Walcott, Chamakh, Song. We should be scoring. And at home, we must be winning with that lineup. MUST. OK, rant over. Now, a few thoughts:

(1) Fernando Torres took two enormous bites of the mango this weekend. And with cool, slightly sticky mango juice spilling down his handsome chin, he lit a fire under Liverpool. For the first half, they looked like the squad their teamsheet has always threatened to be - killing themselves for every ball in midfield, working hard, defending as a unit, smothering Chelsea, and letting El Nino do his thing up front. That was so much fun to watch. It certainly made the poop sandwich (with a side of Andy Carroll and Joey Barton) I had just swallowed a half hour before that much easier to digest. In the second half, Chelsea had an Arsenal kind of day, lots of possession, lots of dallying, and then, when they finally got the ball into dangerous positions, they wasted their chances or were thwarted by excellent goalkeeping. I felt their pain.

(2) Roma won what might be the most intense, ill-tempered derby in football right now against league-leaders Lazio. (Frankly, I'd be too terrified to attend one of these matches.) You know Francesco Totti is nearing the end when I'm slightly relieved to see him not on the teamsheet. Also, I'm sorry to say it, but Muslera really should do better with Boriello's miserable excuse for a penalty. Good thing they had Vucinic take the second one. Who, by the way, has the angriest, most bizarre, goal celebrations around right now. He's the best.

(3) This brings me to my next point: the Serie A is bonkers. With all the focus on the EPL and La Liga, it's easy to forget that an Italian club won the CL last year. If I'm a club in the Champions League, I want no part of Inter, Roma, or Milan this year. All three clubs, while flawed, are completely unpredictable, and I could easily see one of them going to the final this year. Don't look now, but they're all on track to make the knockouts...

(4) La Liga wants no part of the (relative) parity taking hold of the EPL, Serie A, or Bundesliga (actual parity, there). But that's OK, because Mourinho vs. Barca is good fun. Juan predicted that the title returns to Madrid this year, and frankly, it's hard to argue with him. In fact, I think I'll go one better: Mourinho wins the treble with Madrid, and then leaves within the next two years to replace Fergie at Man United. It's happening.

(5) Speaking of which... Ji-Sung Park? Surely United cannot keep this up. If they somehow stay competitive for the title, then Fergie has definitely refinanced the third mortgage on his soul.

Until next time, gents.

(Live) From the Castle of King Kev!

I write to you live on a beautiful Sunday morning from the Arhancet Acres where Manchester United is hosting NewCastle. There have been so many "pleasant surprises" so far in the first 30 minutes that it deserves its own section.

Pleasant Surprises

11' - I'm eleven minutes late for the start and it's still nil-nil. That's kind of pleasant yes, but what really the surprise is that my parents, do not ask me how, switched from the FSC/Goltv/FSN sports package to the FSE/Goltv/TYC package. The acronym for FSE reveals itself readily once I discover that the programming title is "Futbol Ingles." Ah yes, Fox Sports Espanol and as usual, Spanish announcers can do no wrong. FSE, in so far as premiership matches, plays exactly the same schedule as FSC so I suppose the real question is, Why didn't I think of this?

13' - Paul Scholes is referred to as "El Colorado." I was going to elaborate but I think it should be obvious enough as to why that pleases me.

14' - Rooney's name is said with rolling R's (making it fairly cool and less thugish) and Nicky Butt is said - Knee-key Boot. It's been three minutes and I'm sold. I'm really beginning to regret missing the Liverpool-Sundyland game yesterday with these commentators.


22' - Ummmm? The Magpies just scored. This causes me to scream, "LONG LIVE KING KEV!!" My mother yells at me for startling her. One-nil in my dreams. Still pinching self.

24' - Hahahaha. I laugh because Jim and I spent a long time yesterday morning talking about how watching Arsenal is like watching a successful surgery. I'm on a hunch so I look up how Chelsea performed this morning and I'm immediately greeted with a primordial scream by Scolari. I close the screen and assume things um, went well. One to one, Man Utd.

Halftime - I spend the next twenty minutes moping - thinking about Arsenal reminds me that I still need to mow the lawn. My mood turns to elation because at halftime, a Subway commercial in Spanish translates hilariously into: "Philadelphia's only good contribution to humanity is the Philly cheese steak sandwich." I can't wait to use that later in a casual social setting. Man I hate Philadelphia.

<--- This is first image that comes up when I searched for "Magpie." I'm not making this up, the caption underneath it is, "Magpies are not very likable birds." Do a google image search and see for yourself.

Oh I almost forgot - After Darren Fletcher tied the game up, the camera crew cuts to Cristiano in the stands. He's wearing a backwards hat with the brim touching his neck (kinda like this but even more pronounced) and he's clapping exactly the same way I do when Arsenal wins a throw-in. Before the camera cuts away from him he stops, looks down and checks his cellphone. Oh Cristiano, I really do love you.

50' - Shot of the stands shows a small congregation of black and white striped jerseys jumping up and down and singing like crazy. Sigh. I try to think of another team in sports who's fans are as delusional as NewCastlers and the parents of a special olympian comes to mind. I'm probably going to hell.

61' - I'm furious. Martins misses a point-blank header. EFF!

72' - Vidic bounces a header off the crossbar and now he's hurt. Carrick left the pitch earlier limping as well. Check that - Vidic was just cramping from having jumped so high.

77' - Frazier Campbell, this fast young dude, absolutely brutalizes a defender with a sliding tackle from behind and gets a yellow card. Rooney is incredulous - it's the first yellow of the game.

82' - Camera cuts back to the congregation of NewCastle fans and they're quiet and pensive. Hmmm, little bit of the nerves there N'Castle?? Getting a leeeeee tle bit nervous are we?

I'm gonna type this now before it actually happens, but watching this game and hoping for Man U not to go ahead 2-1 feels alot like watching the horizon and hoping the sun doesn't rise. I could be wrong though.

85' - All eleven N'Castlers are in their own half. Begin the lock down sequence.

87' - Kevin Keegan can't stop scratching his head and fidgeting.

88' - Now I'm nervous.

89' - Rooney gets a yellow card for swearing at the ref. The wheels are coming off.

THREE MINUTES! What in the world! Nothing happened, there were no injuries. This is crazy.

92' - Martins stalls on a throw-in. Good job. Another throw-in. N'Castle seems to have forgotten how to do such a thing. I love it.

20 seconds.

MOTHER FUCKER. Foul right outside the top of the box. Oh my god if Man U scores I'm going to slam my laptop to the ground.

I'm outta here, you'll know if they score or not.

Alright I'm back. Rooney doesn't even put it on goal... terrible.

Cue PennyTalk commercial. I swear this actually happened. Priceless.

What A Week

Champions League First Leg Recap

Arsenal 1 - AC Milan 0

It was a hard fought game with the Gunners moving the ball around nicely. Milan's staunch defense seemed as if it would never crack but finally Theo Walcott put a pristine cross on the head of Adebayor (who else, right) who buried the empty netter in stoppage time to give Arsenal a valuable 1 goal lead heading into San Siro.


Liverpool 0 - Nazionale 0

Materazzi anchored a solid Inter defense that turned away Liverpool when opportunities presented themselves. Inter's offensive flood labored some at Anfield but returning home without giving up any unnecessary goals away should pay dividends for them in the second leg. Pool proved that you can't just try really hard when it matters and see results.


Manchester United 0 - Lyon 1

Young French firecracker Benzema showed that even ManU can't overcome talent. Lyon stayed patient on defense and kept some offensive mindset to keep ManU honest. Maintaining that attacking mentality proved well instead of cramming the box with defenders against ManU's offensivibility (offense and inevitability) to hold Chester 1 nil. This result gives Lyon hope as they did not give up the often pivotal goal at home.


Premier League Recap

Arsenal 3 - Birmingham City 1

The bad news is that Eduardo has a high ankle sprain and will be out 6-8 weeks. The good news is that Theo Walcott came in and propelled the gunners to a two-one lead before Adebayor (will he ever slow down?) put the baby to sleep and assured Arsenal of three important points in the scorching race for the Premiership.

Man Utd 2 - NewCastle 1

The Treble got caught score watching and struggled their way to victory against the Magpies. NewCastle after their first drubbing (6 nil) against Manchester made the necessary adjustments and almost held off United before finally conceding a late goal to Cristiano Ronaldo. Roonaldy (Cristi and Wayne) played uninspired and are officially slumping.


Serie A Recap

Juventus 2 - Reggina 1

Juventus established their win last week over Roma as no fluke by beating lowly Reggina the next week. With no Champions League or Coppa Italia to distract them anymore (or ever) Juve can concentrate on the Serie A and work hard to earn the coveted 2nd place finish in the Serie A. Trezeguet took his flu shot in October of last year so that silly things like sickness wouldn't hamper his starts. The inoculation proved effective as he was on the pitch to score the game winner late and in dramatic fashion to keep Juve threatening.

Weekend Preview

Now that we've gotten past all that boring Champions League stuff, it's back to the daily grind. Let's see what's on tap in the Big Three leagues.

SPAIN

Real Madrid (1st) vs. Getafe (13th). None of the matchups this week are particularly intriguing, but this one has to be the most interesting in terms of the title. Madrid have fallen 2-1 in two consecutive matches, revealing a vulnerability that hadn't been seen for awhile. Though the most recent one came against an explosive Roma team in the Champions League, they lost to lowly Real Betis over the weekend. Now what once appeared to be an insurmountable lead has fallen back to five points, and Barcelona are looking very dangerous at the moment. Now that they're back home, Madrid need to bounce back in a big way and demonstrate that the title is still firmly in their grasp. Getafe, meanwhile, need a win to separate themselves from the crowd of mediocre/bad teams sitting on 28 or 29 points, which is only a heartbeat away from relegation. Yet it's clear that they're capable of much better than their league record, as they've now advanced to the final 16 of the UEFA Cup with a resounding win over AEK Athens and are in the semis of the Copa del Rey. They're also the last team that took a point from the Bernabeu and have a history of giving Los Blancos trouble.

The verdict: Getafe may be performing well in their cup competitions and love to play spoiler against Los Merengues, but Madrid's league dominance at home is just too much to overcome. This year they're 11-0-0 at the Bernabeu. That's a pretty amazing statistic. I see Getafe making it interesting, and Madrid remembering who they are a la Simba in the Lion King. 100% Home Record 2 - 1 Pesky Visitors.

ITALY

Roma (2nd) vs. Fiorentina (4th). This is a premiere matchup that I can't wait to see. Roma are coming off a great comeback win against the Spanish giants in the CL, and though the league is now probably firmly in the hands of Inter, the battle for second place and CL spots is on. Fiorentina are figuring prominently in that battle, currently sitting in fourth and keeping out giants AC Milan, much like Everton and Liverpool. Adrian Mutu has been huge for La Viola in the absence of Luca Toni (currently enjoying himself in the Bundesliga), and scored a massive winner for them last weekend. Make no mistake, they're a very good team.

The verdict: But Roma are better, and they'll be playing at home. Totti seemed to find his feet in their Champions League match, and that's not a good sign for Fiorentina. Neither team will want to open themselves up to attack very much, and that'll make for a tense, tight match. Expect Roma to win the midfield battle and the match. Biggest City in Italy 1 - 0 Hippest City in Italy.

ENGLAND

Newcastle United (13th) vs. Manchester United (2nd). Ah, the Kevin Keegan era. Since the Geordie Messiah took the reins at his old club (again), they've got a record of 0-2-3 in all competitions and have scored TWO GOALS in that period. That is horrendous, and particularly so for a club that had such (absurdly) high expectations and a storied history. To be fair, they had to play Arsenal away twice and got thrashed 3-0 on both occasions. Nevertheless, it's pretty bad. Now, Keegan has to play against the team he most despised as both a player and manager: the Red Devils. Since falling to City, United have been on a good run of form, smashing Arsenal out of the FA Cup and grinding out a gritty draw and away goal against a good Lyon side. It also doesn't hurt that the last time they saw Newcastle, they scored SIX GOALS in the second half in a terrifying display.

The verdict: Poor Kevin Keegan. It almost makes you wonder if Newcastle will have three managers this season. Newcastle couldn't find the net if they had a google maps printout, Man U are capable of running rampant on any occasion, and when it comes to managers, Keegan famously broke down under the pressure of Alex Ferguson's mind games during the 1995-1996 season. You can't like his chances in this one, even with the Toon Army* behind him at Tyneside. Mighty Mouse 0 - 2 The Hairdryer.


*I'd just like to quickly say something about Newcastle fans. They're delusional when it comes to their team and always have unreasonable expectations. At the same time, they care far too much about flash and flare, especially in their strikers, when they should care more about results. Yet, they're the most loyal, passionate fans I've ever come across. At Nevada's, I've watched them as their team has lost horrendously on several occasions. Instead of doing what I (and most fans) usually do, which is groan, mope, and eventually leave, they stand and sing "we'll support you evermore." Which they will. Mad respect for the Toon Army.