Round 1 Thoughts and Musings

Group A
The permutations and expectations of this group are dizzying at times. I have heard sound arguments for all 8 two-team combinations to advance. France/Mexico. Uruguay/SouthAf. France/SouthAf... and so on and so forth. What is certain however, is that the excitement and 47 months of anticipation shrouded the statistic that only 4 teams who have lost their opening match have ever advanced out of the group. Friday's games demonstrated this but you wouldn't have known it until today. That is to say, the mentality that is dominating the first salvos is clearly - don't lose your first game!

All four teams in Group A showed at least one positive sign but also several negatives. And though the standings show the group all-square, the first round, to me, revealed two tiers. Uruguay and France are in the upper tier, and Mexico/SouthAf are in the lower tier based on the nuances of the play. Shape, discipline, ball-movement - these characteristics were at a higher level in Game2. Today, hopefully (if you're me) the disparity in class will shine through.

If Uruguay can't beat South Africa then they don't deserve to advance. And in order to avoid all shenanigans, Uruguay must win today. They know this. And of all people, Loco Abreu surmised it best. "We got 1 point against France, now its up to everyone else to try and get a point against France." That means you Mexico.

Group B
Messi's scoreless streak for country continues even though by all accounts he had a great game. Meh. Let me know when he scores. Nigeria looked atrocious so it's tough to commit to any conclusions. The only team that looked worse is Greece. South Korea overflowed with confidence and that will hopefully carry over when they play Argentina next. Needless to say the round 2 match between Korea and Argentina will show which squad is legit.

Group C
A fan somewhere in Slovenia during their match realized an opportunity was about to pass them by. Slovenia is in control of this group but for a moment, or rather, 78 minutes, it looked as if this previously unthinkable conclusion would be squandered. Unfortunately for USA/England, Algeria's goalkeeper decided to also take a dump on the field.
So here we are. Group C is the most interesting group and the United States joins the list of teams that is faced with a must-win scenario on Friday. It's still impossible to imagine England not advancing out of the group stages but let's just say I'm listening to all comers.

Group D
Germany didn't get the memo that the first round of games are to be played tentatively and with caution. Ze Germans swaggered and they surfed. Everyone who needed to score for that squad, Prince Podolski and Klose, did. The only way it could get any better for the Germans is if Algeria finishes 2nd place in the Group C.

Group E
The Netherlands haven't exactly clicked into place and the health of Arjen Robben still looms. Bendtner looked pretty good. Uh... yeah, not much going on here except that Cameroon is winning the world cup by a mile for coolest fu%$ing jerseys. Mmmmmmm.

Group Fail
Booooooooo. I'm so upset Luca Toni isn't a part of this.

Group G
My mother thought it was a bad idea that I wore a Uruguay shirt and watched the Brasil game at Reagan/National airport cheering for North Korea. I was prepared to fight every random white guy wearing a Kaka jersey though so it's all good. It's probably too early to tell, but Brasil looked like dog shit. I will convert to any religion that can answer my prayers that Brasil loses their next two games.
There are many complaints about the vuvuzella's and one of those complaints is that you can't hear the ooo's and aah's during a build-up. Ivory Coast vs. Portugal debunked that argument handily. When the jumbotron showed Didier Drogba about to come into the game the vuvu's went apeshit and the stadium seemed like it was gonna come down for 3 minutes. That was a thousand times cooler than singing and it's going to be very hard to forget hearing that boom of vuvu's.

Group H
Chile's Sanchez looked honeycrisp and Honduras came out tired and with no rhythm. Spain is currently playing so I can't comment on them yet but come on, Spain is winning this group [editors change] losing today.

What Do Raymond Domenech and Robert Mugabe Have In Common?

They both refuse to resign. Despite overwhelming pressure from French fans, current and former French players, French and outside media pundits, outside soccer fans and The Legend of Carl Awesome, Raymond Domenech refuses to go away.

Ignore that phenomenal mustache for a moment and look at his resume. He took over in 2004 after France busted out of the Euro's. Since then, to put it simply, France struggled to qualify for the 2006 World Cup and barely made it out of their group. They beat Spain in the knock-out stages, Brasil after that, Portugal after that and finally lost to Italy in the finals. While that improbable run seems to help Domenech's case, in reality it was a result of Zinedine Zidane. In my opinion Zissou was one of the best, if not the best center midfielder to play the game - it's kinda of hard to screw that up even though Domenech really did try.

So France gets Spain in the knockout stages and it doesn't take a soccer historian to recall that Spain is the most disappointing World Cup team probably ever. Spain of course, doesn't disappoint to disappoint (and they'll choke in 2010, book it and don't act surprised when they tear up their group and lose to Australia in the 16's). Then France beats Portugal while enjoying what can be understated as a hostile crowd towards Portugal. Recall that the round before, Cristiano Ronaldo was accused of getting Wayne Rooney a red-card, seen here, after Rooney intentionally stamps a players groin. That video, stunning in its bias and lunacy, perfectly illustrates a laughable English media sentiment with nice xenophobic undertones. It turns out to be one of the most polarizing moments in the World Cup that year and instead of revealing Rooney as the brute fraud he is, ends up beginning the end of Cristiano Ronaldo in England. A shame really, but I digress.

France beats Portugal, Zissou shines bright as ever, and a still quirky, as opposed to clinically insane, Domenech looks like a genius. Coincidentally I develop this headache whenever the talent of the French football team is brought up (Zidane, Ribery, Henry, Viera). Yes, the French do well in the 2006 World Cup and Domenech retains his job, already a controversy in some camps.

Two years pass by and the French Federation gets it's chance to justifiably fire Domenech. France gets embarrassed in the Euro's, and I mean embarrassed. TLOCA laughs with delight as surely this is the end of our nemesis. No.

The struggles continue as a 2010 World Cup birth is in imminent danger before this stylish French guy palms the ball and sends them to South Africa at the expense of Ireland. No replays confirm the Le Main de Dieu part deux and this will totally die out in a few weeks.
----------------------------
On December 4th the 2010 World Cup draw is scheduled and The Mail has done some hypothesizing on what the pots will be.

Pot 1: South Africa (required), Brazil, Spain, Italy, Germany, Argentina, England, France
Pot 2: Holland, Portugal, Switzerland, Slovenia, Greece, Serbia, Denmark, Slovakia
Pot 3: Uruguay, Paraguay, Ivory Coast, Ghana, Cameroon, Nigeria, Algeria,
Pot 4: Japan, Australia, New Zealand, North Korea, South Korea, United States, Mexico, Honduras

Some minor notes as this is surely wrong, and I'm not blaming the Mail, its just that Fifa makes the Sudan looked like a transparent, trustworthy government.

- France has no business being in the "top-seeded" pot. And if Platini doesn't want more controversy on his hands, he'll make sure they're not.
- Holland deserves to be in Pot 1
- Teams that are not as good as you think: France, Italy, Argentina, Paraguay
- Teams that are alot better than you think: Slovakia, Cameroon, Nigeria, South Korea, Mexico
____________________________

A rare event worth noting will occur Sunday, November 29th. The authors of TLOCA will join forces to watch Arsenal beat Chelsea 3-1. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Pandora's Box

"Impelled by her natural curiosity, Pandora opened the jar, and all evil contained escaped and spread over the earth. She hastened to close the lid, but the whole contents of the jar had escaped, except for one thing which lay at the bottom, and that was Hope."
__________________________________________________

Uruguay
at Ecuador
vs Argentina

Best Case Scenario: Somehow after losing to Peru, Uruguay still has control over their own fate. Colombia was a must win and they did; which is the only reason they're in this post at all. If they win out they could finish as high as third, which is so silly I don't even smile when I think about what they've put me through. Goal differential gives them the tie-break over everyone still chasing and two wins will see them auto-qualifying.

How They Can Back In: A draw to Ecuador and a win against Argentina still puts them through assuming that neither Venezuela, nor Colombia win their remaining two games. Venezuela has Paraguay and Brasil, and Colombia has a desperate Chile - who still need 1 point to clinch - and Paraguay. This scenario would also eliminate Argentina and the entire population of Montevideo would die with delight. Actually die of happiness. It would also effectively ruin any flicker of bilateralism remaining between the two nations.

What Can't Happen: So long as Venezuela, Argentina, or Colombia keeps winning they must follow suit.

Portugal
vs Hungary
vs Malta

Best Case Scenario: Portugal, on the other hand, does not control their own destiny. They must win their next two and require that Sweden acquire no more than 4 points in their remaining two against Denmark and Albania. They also need to win one of their remaining two games by more goals than Sweden wins it's lone game to beat the tiebreak. Remember that all of this is to finish 2nd with the opportunity to continue qualifying.

How They Can Back In: Sweden must lose out and Portugal can draw their remaining two games to overtake the Swedes on differential. Not exactly likely with Albania on the schedule.

What Can't Happen: Realistically they must win-out and hope that Denmark beats Sweden. Sweden's magic number is 4.

Israel
vs Moldova
at Switzerland

Best Case Scenario: Israel must win out and Greece and Latvia must both lose 1 of their remaining two games. They play each other so that's unlikely considering Luxemborg and Moldova are their other two opponents.

How They Can Back In: Greece and Latvia draw in their match, and neither squad wins by more goals in their last games than Israel wins in its two combined game. That puts Israel in second on goal differential.

What Can't Happen: Israel cannot lose because at least 1 point will be disseminated between Latvia and Greece since they play each other.

Turkey
at Belgium
vs Armenia

What Can't Happen: It's bleak for the Turks, hence my skipping of the other sections. The reason is because Bosnia cannot win either of it's two games, nor cannot it draw both games (because of GD). Bosnia has Estonia and Spain left on the schedule so it's not completely crazy. Again, hope is the agenda here. Obviously Turkey must win out and it wouldn't hurt to accumulate an 11 goal margin to win the tiebreak either, otherwise known as the song, Turkey feat. Memphis Bleek

France
vs Faroe Islands
vs Austria

Best Case Scenario: Raymond Domenech gets struck by a bus before October 10th

How They Can Back In: Serbia earns no more than 1 point against Romania and Lithuania along with France winning their remaining two by a margin of 9 goals.

What Can't Happen: If Serbia wins any of its next two, ladies and gentleman they will have automatically qualified for the world cup. Also, if somehow France only draws (or less) it's remaining two and Austria wins out, France is gone.

Egypt
at Zambia
vs Algeria

Practically all of Africa is still up for grabs but the Egyptians, a squad I think could do some things in the World Cup, is down 3 points to Algeria and needs some help.

_____________________

As I watched Andres Scotti's improbable, looping, momentum-defying header slowly bounce across the line to give Uruguay a 2-1 lead over Columbia I couldn't help but wonder about that feeling - hope. "Hope," by its definition contains an irrational element to it. Now, with this two year qualifying campaign coming to an end, I've wondered about the Greek mythology of Pandora's box. We all know the story; it was opened releasing evil and despair on the world but it also released Hope. What this terrible qualifying campaign has made me wonder about is the word, "but" in the previous sentence. Why is there this universal understanding that Hope is not just as evil as the other things released from the box? Why do we assume Hope is a good thing? And why would do we seem to take for granted that Hope is the countermeasure to the other evil qualities. It's a ludicrous notion and I've come to realize this after Uruguay ropes me back in for another month of this interminable qualifying horror story.

October 10th and 14th - those are the dates when this will all finally end and I can once again find solace in the facts, regardless of the outcome. I've gained a new appreciation for reality and it seems to me that the story of Pandora's box is a hilarious double entendre that we've all been missing for the last hundreds of years.

Ha.

Your Cup Overflows

Bartender, pour me some soccer.

England vs Switzerland (3pm et. on FSC)

Italian skipper Capello has his first cupcake, Switzerland. If he doesn't convince the putrid fans with an overwhelming victory they'll somehow complain more. Just now, at this very moment, I realized that the English side simply is not that great. Every team has "talent" and the English style of soccer - which is long crosses, no dribbling, defense first - does not exactly allow this talent to flourish.
But Juan, you hate England? I'm not reading your bias anymore...
wait, wait, seriously, think about their squad. Besides Terry - who would literally rather get kicked in the face before he lets up a scoring chance - they are stocked full of good-at-everything, great-at-nothing players.
Gerrard, Cole, Hargreaves, Rio Ferdinand, other Cole, Rooney, Crouch, Owen... booooooooo! (deep breath) BOOOOOOOO! I'm boo'ing my computer right now. Their only (arguably), "electric" players are Gareth Barry and Shaun Wright-Phillips - they don't play that much. And the other one, I think his name is David, isn't on the squad. Sexy stars with first name's David are getting housed this time around... weird.

Italy vs Portugal (2:40 et. on GolTV)

I was just on the subject of electric... I wonder if either of these two teams feature electric players. Probably not, I'll just move on.
Well the 4th place finishers and the World-hoisters face off today in what is likely to be well played, compliment filled match that more resembles a nice red-carpet gala than a fierce competition. Each side will certainly try to out-dress the other in their suits and shades. In Italy and Portugal, life is good, and if you want to see moments of brilliant soccer and devastatingly handsome players, tune in. Something you'll get in this game that you won't in the England game - is one player putting a move of deceptive nature on another player, and dribbling the ball around that subsequent player (Cut to overdressed old woman with diamond crusted binoculars.) (In an English accent) Harumph!! Well I Nnnnevah!... Don't disappoint the queen Bentley and pass that ball.

France vs Spain (3pm et. somewhere online)

The overachievers versus the underachievers. This match is definition, whatever happens here is of no help to determining what will happen later. Just enjoy the soccer. Hopefully Titi Henry picks up his game a touch for his nation because he's showing signs of fading on Barca. As for the Spaniards, wow do they have a squad. But just like geopolitics of the region, they fall short against the more powerful Euro nations. I would argue that Cesc and Torres are the most volatile young duo on the planet right now. If they both shift into anything over 3rd gear, change lanes and get the hell out of the way.

I'm gonna pat myself on the back with the picture I found of the Spanish. Three extremely talented and great footballers filled with despair at what has to be another effort in vain. Tired and longing, the Spanish continue to win Pam's trophy of Longest Engagement without ever marrying.

Brasil vs Ireland (8pm et. on FSC)

Whenever you get a chance to watch Brasilian soccer you should take it. Even more so with Dunga at the helm because he has publicly announced he seeks to utilize young talent. And by young, Dunga means 16 years old.

Uruguay vs Colombia (6:30pm et. on GolTV)

Turns out I'm still really bitter. Once I see Carini we'll see what happens. You know I still don't know why Recoba isn't playing?

USA vs Mexico

Easily the most meaningful game of the set. Both of these teams always want to beat the other. The US deserves its own section so I won't give you my two cents just yet. Mexico in my opinion will always be coming off the Maxi goal until 2010. See Mexico's version of 9/11. I can honestly say that no Mexican deserved that.



All these games are tomorrow. Enjoy a great Wednesday.