El Clasico

I must have looked out of place. With nearly one hundred thousand people screaming and jumping around, there I was silent and relatively still. It was Xavi's goal in the 10th minute, and if you didn't know any better you would have thought I was catatonic.


The guy to my left, probably confused by my reaction, grabbed me and shook my shoulders as if to wake me up. I gave him a high-five so that he would stop bothering me and I continued to soak in the scene.

The truth is that it didn't work. I was as capable of absorbing the moment as a deer is capable of absorbing an F150.

There was so much uncertainty leading up to El Clasico that I wasn't prepared for a goal that quickly. My body was in the Camp Nou, but my brain was still on the metro, wondering if I would even get a ticket.

My journey to find a way inside the Camp Nou for El Clasico began two weeks ago. Well, technically it began within three hours of finding out I had been accepted to The University of Barcelona five months ago, but realistically it began two weeks ago. I talked with season ticket holders, friends, locals, friends of friends, and the response was always the same - a laugh, a shake of the head, and the obligatory "don't count it on it kid" speech.

In short, I blame them for my reaction. I blame the whole city in fact. The tension and anxiety for this game reached tangible levels three weeks ago. Did you know that the game was originally scheduled for Sunday? The same Sunday as the - depending on who you ask - local elections of Catalunia. Perhaps it was the surgeon general that realized you can't have 5 million people finding out the result for both El Clasico and the "Presidential" election on the same night.

I rent my apartment from a wonderful Catalan couple who would tell you that the election was "national" rather than "local". The husband is a life-long season ticket holder and a Barça aficionado, though that's an understatement. He told me once with a straight face that his All World Starting 11 would include Eric Abidal at right back. I hadn't signed the lease yet so I thought it would be impolite to storm out.

In the first week of November, I was at their house to pick up an extension cord and El Clasico came up. Ten seconds into the conversation the wife stormed into the room saying, "No no no! No more talk about football! I've had it up to here(!) with this damn football match!!" So, yes, the tension was building.

Fast forward three weeks and there I was, 100 dollars poorer with 98 thousand people singing the hymn; it's no wonder why I was so overwhelmed.



You can hear me singing in this one.



I think it's important to note that neither manager had an incentive to go out and win 2 or 3-nil. This game had zero-zero or 1-1 draw written all over it, and both managers would be delighted with one point each, considering the stakes. The managers before the game (I'm paraphrasing):

"If we win, tomorrow will be Tuesday. If we lose, tomorrow will also be Tuesday." - Jose Mourinho.

"Win or lose it will be 1 match of 38." - Pep Guardiola


So with a pleasant 1-1 draw looming over El Clasico, you can imagine my surprise when Iker Casillas blew this game wide open, fudging a routine cross from David Villa, and defrauding Madrid fans everywhere to allow a 2-nil lead within 20 minutes of the kickoff. Yikes.

I would be lying if I said Sara Carbonero didn't cross my mind:

"What happen honey? Why you ruin Mourinho's day?... Were you cold?"

Fine. Two-nil. Remember, we're still only 20 minutes into this game.

Both goals had a very real element of fortune about them, but all the same, this just got more interesting. Phrases that don't really make sense but are cool to say come up at times like these -- The next goal will be the most important one. (Yeah totally!!... ...wait what?)

After two-nil and before halftime, Madrid fans could claim there was a moment of controversy when Cristiano Ronaldo was brought down in the box by Victor Valdez. The reason it was not a penalty, not in Barcelona or in Madrid, was because the original burst by Cristi to get into position was a reaction play. Moments before the ball squirmed free, Cristiano was standing, or relatively still. Once he saw the opportunity present itself, only then did he fly in front of Valdez. The ref noticed this as well and I'm of the firm belief that if Cristiano, by chance, had been running or sprinting from the outset, as if trying to get on to a through-ball, it would have been called. But since it was a broken play, and the intent to beat Valdez to the position was fairly transparent, the referee didn't buy it. I'm not blaming Cristi at all, or the referee since I think it was the correct decision... if that makes any sense at all.

Cue halftime. Cue the sandwiches I mentioned before. I took a picture to not only prove the culture, but to also show you how in 50 degree weather these spoiled Mediterraneans dress like they're about to ski the Pyrenees.

The second half begins and throughout the intermission I'm secretly wishing this turns into a classic for the ages. I would be right, but not the way I imagined.

Nobody expected five-nil. Nobody. Not Pep, not Puyol, not even my landlord. They are lying if they did, or disingenuous at best. What happened was that David Villa had other intentions. The man feasts on big games. It's amazing that people rave about Messi, Xavi, even Iniesta, when on the front page of every newspaper should be David Villa. It was his cross that Pedro tapped in, and his cold-blooded, world class, enter-hyperbole-here finishes that put this game to bed. If Real Madrid were a beautiful 12-point buck, Xavi shot it in the leg while David Villa calmly walked over with a chainsaw and cut it to bits.

I barely heard a peep about Villa during Spain's World Cup run and nothing has changed during the aftermath of this blowout. I'll air my gripes at another time, because right now it's still 4-nil, there are 30 minutes left in El Clasico, and the match has yet to reach it's highest level of absurdity.



For a ten minute span starting at the hour mark, Barcelona FC decided to cash in on their bets of who could nutmeg the most Real Madrid players. No joke, Xavi had 2 megs, Iniesta had 2, Alves may have had 3 (the winner), Boooosie with 1, Messi with 1... you get the picture. Ticky-tack champagne soccer had begun, egged on by the crowd who were chanting:

Hey-o hey-o hey-o.
Esto es un chorreo.

Chorreo = blowout. Ouch.

That wasn't even my favorite song. To the tune of Guantanamera, the masses hilariously begged Jose Mourinho to, "come out of the dugout":

Sal del banquillo... Mourinho sal del banquillo... Saal del banquiiiiiiiiillooooo, Mourinho sal del banquiiillooo.

The banquillo (ban-key-yo) is the pyrex bubble Mourinho hid inside, with reason, for most of the game. In fact, talking about it afterward with a friend who watched at home, we agreed there was really only one time when Mourinho stood near the sideline. Anyway, they're a clever bunch, the fans, when winning 4-nil.

The greatest insult, and this was a doozey, came via Pep Guardiola when he substituted for Bojan Krkic. Make no mistake, Guardiola was insulting Los Merengues. I'll let my Read Madrid friend explain, (I'm paraphrasing):

"When Pep says, hey, you know what will be great (mock laugh), I'm gonna put in the retard - you know it's humiliating.
[And if he had scored that break-away?, I asked]
God I don't want to talk about this anymore. If Bojan had scored I would have died. That's the only thing I left with man, at least Bojan didn't score. We got spanked and it was terrible, but if that hack Bojan scores it would have been worse."

It sounds harsh but any Barcelona supporter would agree. Half my section encouraged Bojan with, "run Bojan, run!!" sarcastically as if they were mocking Forest Gump. Send the boy out on loan, please; but I digress.

The culmination, besides Jeffren's completion of la manita (pictured here, holding up your mano to indicate exactly how many goals have been scored), was when Jorge Ramos decided he had had enough.


From the moment Messi took off it looked like a bunch of piranhas chasing after a minnow. I started cringing and just about everyone knew what was coming. What happened after the mass of Merengues converged and left Messi in a heap was a blur. A flash of red, Puyol hits the deck, mayhem, Ramos storms off, hits Xavi in the face, the crowd is incensed, thousands of whistles, more mayhem. It all converged into this:

Madrid!
Cabrón!
Saludo al campeon!

Madrid!
Cabrón!
Saludo al campeon!

(repeat 10x)

The final whistle sounds and the crowd celebrates as if the result were a surprise. The hymn immediately blasts from the speakers and it isn't for another 10 minutes when the majority of fans head for the exit.

The tunnels bottleneck with fans, factions of songs break out, smiles abound. Just another Monday night in Barcelona.

What's That You Say?

We beat them by how many goals? Oh dear, that's quite a lot. Maybe we should have taken it easy on them... I hate it when Mourinho calls me late at night and breathes menacingly into the phone, and you can be sure he'll be at it again tonight. I know it's you, Jose.

Next up (I hope): a summary from our very own correspondent, present earlier this evening at the Camp Nou.

Fresh Juicy Mangoes

Dan Quayle would be proud of this fellow. For the neutral observer, it was a fantastic weekend of football. As an Arsenal supporter, it wasn't so great; I'll just quickly say a few words about that stinker against Newcastle and it's this: no excuses. We put out almost as strong a squad as we could; no Vermaelen or fit RVP, but whatever, this is almost as good as it gets. Cesc, Nasri, Wilshere, Walcott, Chamakh, Song. We should be scoring. And at home, we must be winning with that lineup. MUST. OK, rant over. Now, a few thoughts:

(1) Fernando Torres took two enormous bites of the mango this weekend. And with cool, slightly sticky mango juice spilling down his handsome chin, he lit a fire under Liverpool. For the first half, they looked like the squad their teamsheet has always threatened to be - killing themselves for every ball in midfield, working hard, defending as a unit, smothering Chelsea, and letting El Nino do his thing up front. That was so much fun to watch. It certainly made the poop sandwich (with a side of Andy Carroll and Joey Barton) I had just swallowed a half hour before that much easier to digest. In the second half, Chelsea had an Arsenal kind of day, lots of possession, lots of dallying, and then, when they finally got the ball into dangerous positions, they wasted their chances or were thwarted by excellent goalkeeping. I felt their pain.

(2) Roma won what might be the most intense, ill-tempered derby in football right now against league-leaders Lazio. (Frankly, I'd be too terrified to attend one of these matches.) You know Francesco Totti is nearing the end when I'm slightly relieved to see him not on the teamsheet. Also, I'm sorry to say it, but Muslera really should do better with Boriello's miserable excuse for a penalty. Good thing they had Vucinic take the second one. Who, by the way, has the angriest, most bizarre, goal celebrations around right now. He's the best.

(3) This brings me to my next point: the Serie A is bonkers. With all the focus on the EPL and La Liga, it's easy to forget that an Italian club won the CL last year. If I'm a club in the Champions League, I want no part of Inter, Roma, or Milan this year. All three clubs, while flawed, are completely unpredictable, and I could easily see one of them going to the final this year. Don't look now, but they're all on track to make the knockouts...

(4) La Liga wants no part of the (relative) parity taking hold of the EPL, Serie A, or Bundesliga (actual parity, there). But that's OK, because Mourinho vs. Barca is good fun. Juan predicted that the title returns to Madrid this year, and frankly, it's hard to argue with him. In fact, I think I'll go one better: Mourinho wins the treble with Madrid, and then leaves within the next two years to replace Fergie at Man United. It's happening.

(5) Speaking of which... Ji-Sung Park? Surely United cannot keep this up. If they somehow stay competitive for the title, then Fergie has definitely refinanced the third mortgage on his soul.

Until next time, gents.

Musings on Spanish Football and Bojan Krkic

There is no player right now in Spanish football in a bigger slump than Bojan Krkic. Bojan’s slump reached its trough tonight, somewhere in Croatia, for the U-21 Spanish squad. Let me begin by clarifying that Bojan is a Spanish national; he does not play for some eastern European country like his last name might indicate. I was quite surprised to find this out, but I digress. Do you remember last year when Nicklaus Bendtner missed twelve gilt-edged scoring chances in one Champions League match at the Emirates, and when he was finally substituted the crowd gave him a standing ovation? That happened tonight for Bojan. After an hour of heavy touches, stray passes and shots that might endanger a spectator unprepared to ever see a match-ball flying at them, Bojan reached his low. The play is a deft give-and-go near the 8-yard box, Mata shot low and to the corner only to have it blocked by Bojan on the goal line. The ball hit off his heel, deflected off the goalie, and somehow it came back to his feet as he fell down. He poked it in from his back, an ugly goal at best, but was whistled for offsides. If he weren’t in such horrible form, he might have had a laugh about it. Three minutes later he walked off the field, pulling at his hair and staring blankly at the ground. One of his teammates ran 30 yards to hug him and whisper something in his ear before he was substituted.

This all started a few weeks ago in the stands at the Camp Nou. Barcelona was on a romp in the second half of a Champions League tie against Panathinaikos and Pep signaled to Bojan to get loose. Some of the crowd in my section noticed him warming up and started a chant, “Queremos la marica! Queremos la marica!” That means, “We want the gay kid! Put in the gay kid!” This surprised me because it’s unusual for any citizen to criticize Barcelona FC. A video could surface that showed Leonel Messi setting fire to kittens and the Catalunian papers would claim the kittens were spreading the plague, so naturally, Messi had done the right thing. Pep Guardiola has a book, people buy this book; again, I was a bit surprised that Bojan was heckled by the home crowd. But why were they on edge?

This has many roots, one even stems back to Zlatan Ibrahimovic and his struggles last year, but the main cause for tension was the Hercules – Barcelona game. Barcelona opened their home campaign against wet-behind-the-ears Hercules, and lost 2-nil. They lost one La Liga game all of last year. And this was a flattering 2-nil loss; Hercules having missed a sitter and Trezeguet hit the bar. For reasons I don’t understand yet, it is a special kind of insult to bring up losses to a team that has spent time in the 2^nd division. The old, surly, drunk men at the bar that accused me of being a Merengue (“Eres Merengue!” they would say in their scratchy voices, decaying from emphysema) had memorized all the ties or losses that Real Madrid suffered to newly promoted teams in the past few years. They listed them off as if reading some secret document at a court hearing. All of this is to show that the Hercules loss was not just an unexpected thorn in their side, but rather a permanent scar that is no longer spoken about. And it was that game that reopened the small nagging wound Barcelona FC fans have chosen to ignore the past two seasons; they don’t have enough finishers.

Keita has not panned out, Ibrahimovic was practically a bust, not to mention trouble in the locker room, and Bojan has not developed as fast as some would like. Yes, they have David Villa, with his dreamy dark eyes and neat haircut, and yes, they have Leo Messi, with his witchcraft and sorcery. But when Villa got a red-card, and Messi nearly had his ankle snapped in two, guess what happened? The next game domestic game, Barcelona dropped points, again. The game before that, in Russia, they drew zero-zero. The papers the next day read, “Ruin Kazan”. Awkwardly, the passes that Xavi and Iniesta complete per game by the fifties, produced no end product. Four points gone and Barcelona isn’t even seven games through La Liga. Let me repeat; they lost one game last year and won the league by three points. One!

Obviously, that game Bojan missed a sitter (he was subbed off at half!) and Keita was/is/may always be abject. Even Dani Alves might be in a mini-slump as he too has missed open nets. Pedro, another untouchable, who has been bailed out with a groin injury, causes some grumbles here and there. And just as an aside, since this is a delight to report but has nothing to do with their finishing woes, Javier Mascherano fits into that team like Ron Jeremy does in a porno. It’s a smart crowd here in Barcelona, and I think they are starting to realize.

Now that Cristiano Ronaldo appears to be out of his funk, and Real Madrid survived it and leads them in the table, Pep’s 5 o’clock shadow grows in a little grayer. There is a feeling around city that Barcelona may not be the treble winning team they once were. When you’ve spoiled your fans as much as Barcelona has, there are surely going to be some moans with any sign of decline. But this is different. The domestic league means more here in Spain than the Champions League – or at least a lot more than it does in England. I hear all the time EPL players and their dream of winning the Champs League, but not here, at least not yet.

The key is that Real Madrid has emerged from their dark ages with their German midfielders and their Portuguese manager. This is to the horror of Barcelona fans. They won’t admit it, but Real Madrid actually scares them this year, unlike previous few years. And they should. I think Real Madrid wins La Liga this season. Just don’t tell anyone I said that.

So, What Have We Learned?

Harsh, hateful words from the fictional Sr. Guardiola, the use of which I in no way condone. In every other way, hilariously spot-on. And now, the week in review:

1) Tomas Rosicky should never, ever come near an Arsenal penalty again. Why Chamakh, whose primary purpose in life is the scoring of goals, or Nasri, who has ice water pumping through his gangster, Marseilles-ghetto veins, didn't take that spot kick against Sunderland I'll never know. Arsene was similarly nonplussed.

2) Sam Allardyce may be on some dangerous, hard drugs. The man is seriously delusional.

3) Manchester United are, in fact, somewhat fragile at the back. The discipline and steel of past years is missing. Evans and O'Shea are, quite frankly, not very good at the moment. Or as the English say: "crap."

4) However, Dimitar Berbatov is settling in quite nicely, thank you very much. Cruising along, smooth as a big body Lexus, he put in another finishing master class. Haters gon' hate, and Berba don't care. Get that money, Berba. Buy yourself another Argentina replica jersey. Maybe go for Spain this time, actually.

5) Barthalona and Real Mourinho are both capable of ugly, gutsy wins. But as Juan mentioned with regard to Barca last week, when you put out those lineups, you expect to win at any cost, by any means. See above cartoon.

6) Zlatan Ibrahimovic is probably a sociopath. Maybe he's so humorless and borderline autistic because he's constantly being scrutinized and criticized despite being one of the most prolific goalscorers in Europe. (See above cartoon.) Something I like to call Anelka Syndrome. But it's much more likely that he's just a huge jerk regardless of what the press says about him. At any rate, he's still really good at scoring goals, especially when his feet are firmly planted on Italian soil.

7) Having Florent Malouda as the captain of your fantasy EPL team has been a very good idea. Not to pat myself on the back or anything. But seriously, we won't learn anything new about Chelsea until next weekend's trip to the City of Manchester Stadium. I'm hoping (as always) for a Wayne Bridge winner that deflects off John Terry's groin.

8) Roma were clearly demoralized by how last season ended, and they look stuck in preseason mode. That squad is more than capable of winning the league this year. Frankly, it's confusing. And the pressure may be getting to the tinkerman.

9) It's official: there's something seriously wrong with Fernando Torres. I know I'm about three months too late with that obvious announcement, but I was willing to overlook his subpar World Cup display due to his injury struggles (and the general overhype that accompanies every star into a new tournament after performing fantastically at their last tournament - in this case, Euro 2008). But he really does not look like himself. (I believe) he won the penalty and the free kick that gave Liverpool a way back into the Northwest Derby, but anyone who watched that entire match knows that something is up.

10) Everybody should move to Barcelona (see Juan's excellent dispatch from the Camp Nou below). Beautiful football, beautiful women, and delicious sandwiches (mostly likely prepared by beautiful women and then enjoyed whilst watching beautiful football). Sigh. Get the couch bed ready, good sir.

Tuesday Wrap-Up

Just a few quick thoughts about today's CL games/goals that couldn't be fit in a comment.

In the United - Milan game:

1. Milan 1 - 0 Man U. Welcome back to relevance, Ronaldinho. It's nice to see him quietly on the up and up this season. And though his goal was a bit fortunate, a shade of that fantastic technique shows through - hitting that and putting it on target is, uh, pretty hard.

2. Milan 1 - 1 Man U. Paul Scholes scores goals. Sometimes they're amazing. And sometimes they're amazing-ly lucky/fluky/ridiculous. This one is mesmerizing, but not because of anything he does intentionally. Although if someone did that on purpose, swinging a leg and whiffing and letting the ball deflect off the standing leg, it would be unbelievable. It reminded me of this.

3. Milan 1 - 2 Man U. Rooney just wants to score more than any defender in the world wants to stop him. This is just sheer athleticism, positional awareness, desire, and technique. Great goal.

4. Milan 1 - 3 Man U. So, if trying to push Rooney wide to the far post resulted in a goal, maybe the Milan players decided to just let him have two free headers (one to win the ball, one to score) in the belief that it wasn't worth their time. Or maybe they were too busy thinking about the delicious pasta or risotto dinners waiting for them, prepared and served by fine-featured brunettes with soft hands and large, brown eyes. Either way, it's called suicidal defending.

5. Milan 2 - 3 Man U. Wonderful goal. Excellent buildup, perfect pass, the finish it deserved (let's see how many cliches I can work into one sentence). Unlike Scholes, Seedorf knew exactly what he was doing. He confuses me, though. I know he's a legend, and when he does stuff like that, I get it, but often I don't know what he's still doing out there. Whatever.

Honestly, Milan could have scored about a million goals in this game. I felt like I was watching an older, Italian version of Arsenal. Sigh.

In Lyon vs. Madrid:

Lyon 1 - 0 Madrid. HAHAHA. Well-deserved, says I. It takes something special to beat Iker from that range, and that was dripping with delicious special sauce as it swerved from left to right. Also, Govou and Lisandro have oodles of swag, which I like, but how many Row Z screamers did they smack before Makoun scored? Tee him up next time, eh boys?

Some takeaway questions:

On current form, is Wayne Rooney the best player in the world? If not, then who? Discuss.

Is there a coach with better hair than Leonardo? When Milan play against Inter or Barca, which team do the 30+ female viewers decide to secretly support when it's him versus Jose or Pep?

What are the odds on Madrid going out? And if they do, how much do they intensify their summer bid for Cesc? I know he "bleeds Barcelona" and all that, but honestly, if anyone needs a creative general with redonkalous field vision, it's los Galactifails, not Barca. So, how much do they spend to get him? And who goes the other way? Alright, that's plenty for now.

Why I've Been Absent

Juan called me out the other day, and it's totally true: I've been nothing but a big fat dead carcass when it comes to this blog. I'm the Lucas to his Gerrard, the Diaby to his Fabregas. His shoulders should ache from carrying me on his back, and his lungs must hurt from all the disappointed sighs he must emit when he opens this blog and finds that SURPRISE! I have haven't added a single thing to it.

So let me go ahead and give the reasons why I've been absent, in no particular order.

1) I'm scared to jinx things. And by "things," I mean "Arsenal." Because I haven't felt this good about the team since the beginning of the 2007-2008 season. And before that (dare I say it?): 2004. I love the way they're playing: I love the swagger, I love the focus, I love how Vermaelen looks like evil Jude Law, I love the minimalist Fabregas goal-celebrations (taking a page out of Mr. Henry's book, of course, but then cutting loose for the one against Spurs, which I also love), I love Arsene trying to keep the team off everyone's radar, I love Gallas burying his crazy and performing like the world class defender he obviously thinks he is, I love the squad depth, and most of all, I love the football. Arsene says that soccer can be art, and if that's true, we're painting Picasso's on an almost weekly basis. So yeah, I didn't want to jinx any of that.

2) The Serie A is simply failing to capture my attention. In every single way. And maybe that's not fair, but let's see: Roma is pretty awful, Inter is winning the league despite not looking all that dominant, Juve are chasing, Fiorentina and Milan are in the mix. Are we sure they're not just rerunning last season and changing the names of the relegated teams for TV purposes? Juan, I'm relying on you to explain to me why I should care about a league that is falling behind the other two in the Big Three (and David Trezeguet's infectious smile after scoring goals is not a legitimate reason, though it is totally awesome). What (and who) should I be watching? Pato? Gilardino? Juve, after their big win over Atalanta? I need guidance here.

3) I'm waiting to see if Real Madrid's Galacticos will get worse. Because when they hit rock bottom (if this wasn't it, already), that's when I'll devote an entire page of this blog to my cackling, gleeful rants about how and why that team will never win anything.

4) The Pub. Instead of watching matches at home (or when I was employed, at work, but I'd never do that obviously) and then being able to immediately blog about it, I've been spending too much time at the Amsterdam Tavern. When I come home, fat and happy, full of donuts and Guinness (properly poured) for breakfast, all I want to do is take a nap. And when I wake, I've forgotten all the astute observations that I made about the games when I was watching. Things like "OHH WHY DIDN'T HE PASS THAT?" or "OHHHH! OHHHHH! THAT'S A F---ING AMAZING GOAL!" These are the kind of observations, yelled at a decibel level only reached with the assistance of alcohol, with bits of blueberry cake donut sputtering from my mouth, that make me such a respected and valued customer at the Amsterdam Tavern.

Yeah, that's about it. But to conclude: I will be posting more. I'm like Adebayor - just when you think you hate me and I'm worthless, I'll go on a phenomenal scoring run. (But inevitably, after I've convinced you that I'm a world class striker, I'll go back to being useless and in fact quite easy to hate.) Right.

Welcome Back David Trezeguet

He's been back since September 12th but yesterday, with his late goal against Genoa, he debuted his trademark joy (pictured).


Juventus 2, Tasty Salami 2

The match started off with a bang after Camorenesi dummied a cross to an overlapping Vincenzo who struck well from outside the box. It was the type of play that pays homage to The Beautiful Game and its always nice to see Iaquinta on the score sheet. What was set out to be a trap game was on pace to end 15-nil and I thought, "what a shame to watch a record-setting match on a grainy, small, frustrating feed."

If you didn't know, Juventus made some very relevant transfers this off-season and while Diego, Felipe Melo, and Cannavaro may steal the headlines, the best one of them all was the acquisition of Fabio Grosso from Lyon. He needs no introduction, of course, but it is worth noting that he replaced my arch-rival and nemesis-till-death, Molinaro. And if you're not that familiar with Juventus, that's like replacing Nicklas Bendtner with Fernando Torres.

Before I forget, another hilariously pleasing signing resulted in Uruguayan Martin Caceres joining the Old Lady - seen here about to carefully end another man's career. The website mentions a tradition of Uruguayan players joining Juventus and at first I thought that pretty awesome until I realized these are the men responsible for my impending nervous breakdown. Caceres is only 22 and yes, he is a very promising Uruguayan defender. Which is to say, he's extremely rare. Here's to wishing him a long and prosperous career at La Juve and more importantly, la Selecion.

In fact, Uruguayan nationals keep popping up all over the place lately. I watched the Real Madrid v Villareal match just the other day and who do I see but two Uruguayans, Eguren and Diego Godin. The best part about that video is that Carlos Tevez, who's knows Godin well, gives him a cheap shot and it's Eguren that confronts him with a sarcastic, he's not really hurt but you're the exact same asshole I remember you as, lecture. Anyway, moving right along.

It's after half-time at this point, all knotted up at 1's. Juventus lacks the final pass during attacking plays to lead to any relevant chances on goal. When Juventus struggles it's because the midfielders play long-balls over the top rather than use the fullbacks for a slower build-up. It sort of comes with the territory in the Serie A. Not soon after a seemingly innocuous run down the sideline for the Cured Meat suddenly turns malicious and a header is smashed home near post. I'm listening to the Italian announcers and could have sworn I heard the name Crespo.

This sends me scrambling to Gamecast, that pathetic excuse for following a game and I see H. Crespo has apparently scored. No, now I know I'm crazy. Hernan Crespo? Yes, it is. The man who could never quite fill the shoes of Gabriel Batitusta (could anyone) is on loan at Genoa. Not only that, he just put them ahead. Daggers - 76'.

Then Iaquinta scores - disallowed dubiously for offsides. Then Chiellini scores - disallowed dubiously for offsides. Am I witnessing a scandal? The replay shows Trezeguet, who flicked it up for Giorgio, onside by a full two yards. What's going on here?

I'm irate until, yep, David Trezeguet scores the equilizer and follows up with his spot-on impression of the happiest man on earth. The smile is contagious and just like that I'm ok with 1 point.

Welcome back David. I've missed you.
(actual game photo -->)

Hey Real Madrid... uh, well nevermind

So if you look at the top of this page you'll see a horribly outdated banner. It appears that both Kaka and Cristiano are headed to the Bernabeu to join, ahem, Iker Casillas, Gabriele Heinze, Sergio Ramos, Wesley Sneijder and Arjen Robben. And I omitted about 6 or 7 names that would start on Arsenal.

So if you're counting at home that leaves Real with, drumroll please, the world's best goalkeeper, world quality fullbacks, two of the world's best midfielders/strikers to go along with 14 other national team starters. Yes, that's correct, fourteen players that start for their respective national teams.

"You can't just buy all-stars and expect success," they'll say. "They still might not win," or "they'll be good in three years," people will exclaim. They are all wrong. Real Madrid will win La Liga, the Champions League, and just for fun El Copa Del Rey and barring injury, they won't have broken a sweat. Even with injuries they're still 1 to 4 favorites.

Players of this magnitude have never joined forces like this and failed (and I can say that now that Barca won the treble). The 2002 Real Madrid squad that doubled up consisted of Roberto Carlos, Makelele, Zidane, Figo and Raul (all in their prime or at the least tailing off their primes). That core looks suspiciously similar to their current one.

But how in the world can Real afford all this? Has the whole country gone mad - Spain has 17% unemployment and they're staring at 60% debt with regards to their GDP?

The easy answer is I have no idea, and absolutely, the whole soccer world has gone mad. However, when you look at their books you can find some money to dent the 140 million pounds just spent on Kakoldo. I'm gonna stick with pounds here because its easier this way as everyone reports in pounds. Van Nistelrooy and Raul are retiring, if not this year then next year, both being paid around 20 million pounds each. Real can still sell Robben (another ~15-20mil), and not extend Saviola (also ~15-20 mil). That's around 80 mil coming off the books by 2010. Let's assume they sell 21-year-old Higuain, who yes, scored 1 goal less than Messi in La Liga last year, for another 15-20mil. That would mean Real spent 40-60mil for Cristiano and Kaka to replace Raul, Van Nistelrooy, Higuain, and Robben. With what they have left I would make that move.

And apparently they're also going to get Villa. This is just silly. I have no idea. Yes, the soccer world has gone mad.

The Five Best Derbies

This one won't be easy, but I think we can immediately rule out the worst one, and that's Derby County. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

I've determined there are probably nine or ten big derbies that are truly deserving of note, but in the interest of time, I've whittled it down to five. We can talk about the big rivalries between different cities (Inter-Juve, Man U-Liverpool, etc.) later, so in the meantime, here's my countdown:

Barely missing the cut: Derby della Capitale (Roma vs. Lazio), The Manchester Derby (Manchester United vs. Manchester City), Derby della Mole (Juventus vs. Torino), Galatasaray vs. Fenerbahce, Olympiacos vs. Panathinaikos.


5. El Derbi Madrileno (Real Madrid vs. Atletico Madrid): This spot could have easily gone to any of the teams listed above (and a few not mentioned), but it goes to Madrid for perfectly encapsulating what intercity rivalries are all about. On the one side, you have the giants of world football, a team overflowing with trophies and praise. They're the bandwagon team that the rest of the country either loves or loves to hate, the club supported by the rich and their stadium is filled with supporters who consistently vote conservatively. Opposing them is a club playing next door to a brewery which, while successful, will always live in the shadow of its rival. This team draws no support outside its home city, and instead is loved by the leftist, rebellious working class. I don't have to tell you which is which. In terms of trophies, Atletico have nothing to be ashamed of (9 Titles, 9 Copa del Rey), but look like chumps compared to Los Blancos (30 Titles, 17 Copa del Rey, 9 European Cups). Also, you know it's a good rivalry when one team calls itself "Los Blancos" because its uniforms are white and the other starts referring to itself as "Los Indios," not for any real reason, but just to be in direct opposition.

4. The Merseyside Derby (Liverpool vs. Everton): Where this one ranks really depends on what you're looking for in a derby. Do you want bitter hatred between the two fan bases and a do-or-die environment on the field? Or do you want an atmosphere of mutual respect and pride in one's shared city? Because if it's the latter, this one is the best. In fact, when there's violence, it's usually under bizarre circumstances such as the 1980 FA Cup when supporters of the two teams actually joined together to attack fans from other clubs. Now that's unity. In terms of silverware, Liverpool has everyone in England beat (18 Titles, 7 FA Cups, 5 European Cups), but Everton are no slouches with 9 Titles and 5 FA Cups of their own. The rivalry gets docked a few points due to the fact that it has been stripped of its meaningfulness in the last few decades (neither team has won the league since 1990) But in the end, it's all about two storied clubs, two historic grounds (Liverpool have been at Anfield and Everton at Goodison Park since 1892!), and a universal love of their home city. If you're not one for fighting or chanting death threats, it doesn't get any better than this.

3. The North London Derby (Arsenal vs. Tottenham Hotspur): It was hard to put this one above Liverpool and Everton, but it currently gets the nod because of the consistent match quality and importance. Though it's been a largely one-sided affair this decade, Tottenham have recently raised the bar through competitive displays and their 5-1 beatdown of the Gunners in the Carling Cup. Both sets of supporters will also not soon forget the 2005-2006 season, when Arsenal waited until the last day of the season to overtake Spurs in the all-important fourth place spot. In terms of intensity, this rivalry is second to none; Gooners keep track of when Tottenham can no longer finish above them in the league and celebrate "St. Totteringham's Day" when it arrives, while Spurs fans could hardly wait to rejoice in their victory over Arsenal (it was only the Carling semifinal!) with commemorative DVDs and coffee mugs. You also know things are bitter between the two sides when you can refer to "Judas" in a football context and everyone in London immediately knows who you're talking about. Both sides have an impressive trophy cabinet (13 Titles, 10 FA Cups for Arsenal; 2 Titles, 8 FA Cups for Tottenham), and Spurs were able to add to it with their Carling Cup victory this season. If Arsenal don't one-up them with the league or the CL this season, you can bet the Gunners will be hearing about it for years.

2. Derby della Madonnina (Milan vs. Internazionale): Two heavyweights of world soccer, this would be a mouthwatering match under any circumstances. Add to it the fact that the two clubs share a city AND a stadium, and now you're really talking. This rivalry is so intense that it even spilled over into the 1990 World Cup when Dutch/AC Milan legends Marco van Basten, Frank Rijkaard, and Rudd Gullit faced German/Inter heroes Jurgen Klinsmann, Lothar Matthaus, and Andreas Brehme in the San Siro. When Germany won, the Italian Inter fans celebrated as though their club had triumphed. In terms of world class players, it would very difficult to top this one, and when it comes to trophies between the two sides, the numbers are staggering (Milan with 17 Titles, 5 Coppa Italia, 7 European Cups and Inter with 15 Titles, 5 Coppa Italia, and 2 European Cups). The fact that there's a hint of politics involved (Inter for the right, Milan for the left) makes the matches even more weighty, and meetings between the two have been known to get ugly (see picture above and the 2004-2005 Champions League). With Inter fighting for the title and Milan battling for fourth, the next meeting (May 4) is almost guaransheed to be a thriller.

1. The Old Firm (Celtic vs. Rangers): You could make a case for any of the rivalries I've mentioned as the best, but I think this one is truly deserving. Because while Milan and Inter are two of the best teams in Italian football, Celtic and Rangers ARE Scottish football. Simply put, there is no challenge to their consistent dominance of their league, and every year they're gunning for the title. These teams are not only the best (Celtic have 41 Titles, 34 Scottish Cups, 1 European Cup and Rangers have a mind-boggling 51 Titles and 31 Scottish Cups), but also sit right across Glasgow from one another. They don't just divide the city, either; both clubs draw support from all over Scotland, the British Isles, and the world at large. And if other derbies have a trickle of political strife to them, this one has a waterfall. When the Old Firm play one another, it's not just Rangers vs. Celtic, it's Protestant vs. Catholic, UDA vs. IRA, Britain vs. Ireland, and Loyalism vs. Independence. Pretty heavy stuff for a football match. Always important, always quality, and always controversial, this is the best derby in the world.

In Case You Missed It

I can't adequately explain why I personally found the events of Real Madrid - Getafe to be so comical. But if you want some help recreating the humor:

• Consider that Real ended up losing the game and in the midst of all the horrible outcomes this past week, something like this can always happen to your team

• Know that Real Madrid felt foolish for allowing this to happen

• Listen to it on mute the first time to better appreciate Robben's facial expression and Ruud's confusion.
  

• You must think backflips are funny. Because the dude doing backflips with his boy celebrating with him is priceless. I included the screen shot so you know what I'm talking about.
  
  
• When you listen to it for the second time with sound - obviously the Spanish announcer is hilarious. "Valio" in spanish means counted. So "no valio! no valio! no valio!" and then "ahora si valio" in spanish means, "it did not count"
  and "now it does count" (cue backflips).
  

Without any further adieu - here is the link*

I'm not responsible for this video being taken off of youtube in 2 hours from now, just so you know. Youtube sucks now, it's not my fault.

Weekend Preview

Now that we've gotten past all that boring Champions League stuff, it's back to the daily grind. Let's see what's on tap in the Big Three leagues.

SPAIN

Real Madrid (1st) vs. Getafe (13th). None of the matchups this week are particularly intriguing, but this one has to be the most interesting in terms of the title. Madrid have fallen 2-1 in two consecutive matches, revealing a vulnerability that hadn't been seen for awhile. Though the most recent one came against an explosive Roma team in the Champions League, they lost to lowly Real Betis over the weekend. Now what once appeared to be an insurmountable lead has fallen back to five points, and Barcelona are looking very dangerous at the moment. Now that they're back home, Madrid need to bounce back in a big way and demonstrate that the title is still firmly in their grasp. Getafe, meanwhile, need a win to separate themselves from the crowd of mediocre/bad teams sitting on 28 or 29 points, which is only a heartbeat away from relegation. Yet it's clear that they're capable of much better than their league record, as they've now advanced to the final 16 of the UEFA Cup with a resounding win over AEK Athens and are in the semis of the Copa del Rey. They're also the last team that took a point from the Bernabeu and have a history of giving Los Blancos trouble.

The verdict: Getafe may be performing well in their cup competitions and love to play spoiler against Los Merengues, but Madrid's league dominance at home is just too much to overcome. This year they're 11-0-0 at the Bernabeu. That's a pretty amazing statistic. I see Getafe making it interesting, and Madrid remembering who they are a la Simba in the Lion King. 100% Home Record 2 - 1 Pesky Visitors.

ITALY

Roma (2nd) vs. Fiorentina (4th). This is a premiere matchup that I can't wait to see. Roma are coming off a great comeback win against the Spanish giants in the CL, and though the league is now probably firmly in the hands of Inter, the battle for second place and CL spots is on. Fiorentina are figuring prominently in that battle, currently sitting in fourth and keeping out giants AC Milan, much like Everton and Liverpool. Adrian Mutu has been huge for La Viola in the absence of Luca Toni (currently enjoying himself in the Bundesliga), and scored a massive winner for them last weekend. Make no mistake, they're a very good team.

The verdict: But Roma are better, and they'll be playing at home. Totti seemed to find his feet in their Champions League match, and that's not a good sign for Fiorentina. Neither team will want to open themselves up to attack very much, and that'll make for a tense, tight match. Expect Roma to win the midfield battle and the match. Biggest City in Italy 1 - 0 Hippest City in Italy.

ENGLAND

Newcastle United (13th) vs. Manchester United (2nd). Ah, the Kevin Keegan era. Since the Geordie Messiah took the reins at his old club (again), they've got a record of 0-2-3 in all competitions and have scored TWO GOALS in that period. That is horrendous, and particularly so for a club that had such (absurdly) high expectations and a storied history. To be fair, they had to play Arsenal away twice and got thrashed 3-0 on both occasions. Nevertheless, it's pretty bad. Now, Keegan has to play against the team he most despised as both a player and manager: the Red Devils. Since falling to City, United have been on a good run of form, smashing Arsenal out of the FA Cup and grinding out a gritty draw and away goal against a good Lyon side. It also doesn't hurt that the last time they saw Newcastle, they scored SIX GOALS in the second half in a terrifying display.

The verdict: Poor Kevin Keegan. It almost makes you wonder if Newcastle will have three managers this season. Newcastle couldn't find the net if they had a google maps printout, Man U are capable of running rampant on any occasion, and when it comes to managers, Keegan famously broke down under the pressure of Alex Ferguson's mind games during the 1995-1996 season. You can't like his chances in this one, even with the Toon Army* behind him at Tyneside. Mighty Mouse 0 - 2 The Hairdryer.


*I'd just like to quickly say something about Newcastle fans. They're delusional when it comes to their team and always have unreasonable expectations. At the same time, they care far too much about flash and flare, especially in their strikers, when they should care more about results. Yet, they're the most loyal, passionate fans I've ever come across. At Nevada's, I've watched them as their team has lost horrendously on several occasions. Instead of doing what I (and most fans) usually do, which is groan, mope, and eventually leave, they stand and sing "we'll support you evermore." Which they will. Mad respect for the Toon Army.

Quick Thoughts

Giant Killers! I'd never write off the current Spanish, Italian, or Portuguese champions, but these are some fantastic results for Roma, 'Pool, and Schalke, respectively. Here are some initial reactions to this CL matchday (heavily skewed towards Roma vs. Madrid and Liverpool vs. Inter).

The AS Roma vs. Real Madrid game, as I predicted, was the standout tie of the round. Back and forth stuff, lots of drama, and the most goals of the four. What I didn't predict was the result, though. In hindsight, Roma did have home field, which counts for a lot. Totti may have not been on the scoresheet, but he dominated the play and his pass to Mancini for the winner was sheer quality. Have to give kudos to Juan and Mexes, though; barring Raul's hockey-flick goal, they frustrated the Madrid attack all game. Ruud looked irritated enough to sucker punch someone every time the camera was on him. Los Blancos were quite unlucky when that last ditch attack ended with a resounding shot off the post (still not sure who it was), but Roma were the better side all day. That doesn't mean I don't think Madrid will still take this one, though. The Bernabeu is no joke. (Also, can we talk about how fat David Pizarro is? People like to joke about Ronaldo and Lampard, but this man is actually fat. Watching him make runs into the box is like watching me throw a six-pound bowling ball as hard as I can.)

I'll just start by saying that Torres took a dive. Plain and simple. But you really can't say that Materazzi didn't have it coming after all his years of cunning and dirty play. Though it was completely unwarranted, there was a sense of karmic justice in his second yellow. Initially, though, it didn't seem to help Liverpool much as they enjoyed more possession but found Inter well-organized at the back. The whole game was a complete snorefest until the last five minutes. Watching Rafa Benitez clip his toenails would have been more interesting. Of course, then Kuyt made up for his crap performance with a brilliant goal, and Gerrard finished things in style by scoring one of his trademark impossible goals from distance. This one wasn't as thunderous as some, but it was one of the most ridiculously accurate shots I've ever seen. What have I (re)learned? Never bet against Liverpool in the Champions League. Oh, and NEVER bet on Inter in the CL. Ever.

And the other two...

Chelsea are so incredibly boring, especially on the road. They might as well park the team bus in front of their goal, though, because then opponents might have a better chance scoring. Talk about well-organized defending. I think Ben's prediction is going to turn out exactly right.

As for the Schalke shocker, I'm really not sure what to say except that everyone, including myself, was wrong. Hey, these things happen. Now, I'll wish them the best of luck trying to defend that lead in Porto.

It's about that time

Open me in a new window and listen to anticipation in it's pure audible form.

Ready?

Go

FC Porto at Schalke 04

A part of me doesn't want to keep mentioning that Quaresma is the best unknown player in the world for obvious reasons. I want to be so right about him that I'm willing to forfeit any "see I told you so" rights just for my own personal satisfaction. I just know that when he blows up I'm going to expend so much energy explaining to people that I knew it all along. But that's neither here nor there.

Porto has alot to represent here: Quare is on the big stage yet again, Portuguese Liga always has something to prove, and Schalke needs to be shamed out of the CL. Last year at about this time Q was playing with a lot of flair - too much in fact to be taken seriously. Similar complaints,, however (extra pause before and after however), were said of a certain Christ Ronaldo. Am I saying he's the next C. Ronaldo? I don't even know what that means - next question.

Porto 2, Shalke 0

Inter Milan at Liverpool

Thanks a lot Capello?? As if Pool needs any more pressure to win. I watched the Barnsley repeat last night and I can't wait to write about it.
Meanwhile, amidst the plethora of Liverpool, "This is why, that is why," stories it appears that El Nino got it right. Thanks Fernando. If 1 out of 10 Liverpool fans stop taking crazy pills because of this you will have done well. Why can't Pool fans be more like Cardinals fans and enjoy their five year get-out-of-heartbreak-free voucher while it lasts.

My prediction is Milan 3, Liverpool 1. I really do want Inter to get that monkey off it's back* and smother LiverSchiavo once and for all. It's time to moveon.org Liverpool.

Real Madrid at Roma

Roma showed up at the party looking for that cutie they've been waiting to finally ask out and there she is doing body shots off of Real Madrid. After watching Juve's back line look good against their first team, Roma might be in for a Ruud awakening (Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week) (Cuts wrists).

Totti played uninspired against Juve and the whole team looked aloof. Totti needs to grow his hair out again and everything will be ok.

Real 1, Roma 0

Chelsea at Olympiacos

Chelsea hasn't had their big letdown yet this season... I'm not confident it will happen here, but I will say I thought so (with no proof) if Cos comes away with the upset. I am assuming Avram knows what he's doing resting Lampard and especially John Terry. Chelsea has been so blah this year it's hard to pass judgment. They struggled some, bounced back some, OK. I wish I had more to say but this is my wait and see game - mainly because I haven't seen much of Chelsea this year.

Chelsea 1, Olympiacos 1


In summary, Andy Williams was right - it's the most wonderful time of the year.

Enjoy the games.


*That is one of the top ten commercials of all time

The League of Champions...

Is back in action! Let's do our requisite rundown of today's matchups.

Schalke 04 vs. FC Porto. Schalke are having a mediocre season in the Bundesliga where they sit fifth, and are easily the worst team in this knockout round. They barely managed second in the group stages with a then-struggling Chelsea, lowly Rosenborg and rapidly tanking "what is wrong with this team?" Valencia. They got through with the fewest points of any team. Porto, in direct contrast, finished first in a fairly difficult group that saw them matched against Liverpool, Marseilles, and Besiktas. They're cruising the Portuguese league, and with the perpetually underrated Pedro Emanuel at the back, Lucho dominating midfield, and the brilliant Quaresma leading their attack from the wing, you have to expect this first leg to go Porto's way, even on the road. Last German Standing 1 - 3 Portuguese Dragons.

Liverpool vs. Internazionale. Wow, Liverpool. Barnsley? Really? Fifth in the League, and now eliminated from the FA Cup in style by a Championship team, this would seem to be a club in crisis. Never you mind, though, because whenever this competition rolls around, England's most successful club in Europe seems to rise to the occasion. The Champions League has also been Rafa's bread and butter, but if he doesn't accomplish the unenviable task of knocking off Inter, he's as good as gone. Inter, meanwhile, continue to go about their business of solidifying a third straight Serie A title with jarring efficiency. However, success in Europe has largely eluded these Italian giants, and not since the 1960's have they seen a fruitful campaign in this competition. In short, they're massive chokers. (See last year's fall and brawl against Valencia or their shameful beatdowns at the hands of AC Milan in 2005 or Arsenal in 2003.) They'll also have to deal with a Liverpool squad rejoined by a healthy Gerrard, Torres, Reina, and Mascherano (so, really, their four best players). But having one of the scariest rosters in Europe and the leading scorer in the competition (Zlatan) should help them this time, right? Well, my only advice is that you not have money riding on this game. This is the best I can do: Hicks and Gillette 1 - 1 Reggie Miller.

AS Roma vs. Real Madrid. Yum yum. This is a truly juicy tie. Roma were unfortunate to be grouped with a rampant Manchester United, but came out with eleven points. For Real, eleven is all it took to win their group, though. Life just isn't fair. Madrid have been cruising La Liga, but have had difficulty navigating their domestic cup competitions. Roma are sitting in second, but tenuously, after losing to Juventus. Thus far, Madrid has had a more dominant look about them, but that being said, it should be noted that the Serie A has been much more competitive than La Liga this season. Roma will also be looking to salvage their reputation after their 7-1 drubbing at the hands of Manchester United last year. It'll be interesting to see how Roma's stellar CB's Mexes and Juan deal with the cagey veterans of Madrid in attack. Los Merengues still have the edge, though. WIND 1 - 2 BWIN.

Olympiacos vs. Chelsea. Everyone is writing off Olympiacos in this tie, and not without good reason. In recent history, Chelsea have been extremely strong in this competition, only to fall victim to penalties or bad luck right before reaching the finals. Their current form, while mind-numbingly dull, also adds to their favored status. Olympiacos will have to be strong at the back, as Avram Grant is expected to announce an ambitious 4-3-3 alignment featuring either Drogba or Anelka flanked by Joe Cole and Shaun Wright-Phillips. The Greek champions can look to strong performances against Werder Bremen and Lazio along with their fine league form (only one loss) for inspiration, but Chelsea haven't lost a game in a long time and I would expect nothing short of victory today. Greek David 0 - 1 Boring Goliath.

Stay tuned for tomorrow, when we'll see the mouthwatering matchup of the week: Fenerbahce vs. Sevilla! Jay kay.

The Return of the Power Dozen

Here's to a great jinx! (Hold up shot glass, shoots self in head)

1) Inter - I've decided their recent "struggles" - which oh by the way include no losses - are due to Mancini experimenting with team chemistry. I admit that their dominance turned into this aura where I expected to tune in and see Inter hog-tying opponents and shooting wildly in the air. Turns out they just win and have fun while doing it.

2) Arsenal - My only reservation (I was gonna put them #1) was that they did all this benefiting while all the elephants were gone. Props to Egypt for taking the tragically unwatched African Nations Cup. I'll make sure to watch in two years.

3) Real Madrid - I had the pleasure of watching Real touchdown on Villanotasreal. Before this game I would have dropped them a spot, but with Robben clicking, Jim is right - they're legit.

4) Manchester United - the Munich disaster indeed (too soon?... it happened 50 years ago damnt). Cristi was frustrated with Portugal losing to Italy and is trying to do too much. City caught some breaks too. I'm writing it off for the most part. And how about Man City earning 6 points from The Treble!

5) AS Roma - forget catching Inter, they need to stay afloat. They have a brutal February remaining and Juve could catch them if Juve would stop being awkward turtle.

6) Chelsea - they're Paul Wall on the grind. Avram Grant looks a little like that character from Ratatouille - a movie I thoroughly enjoyed.

7) Bayern Munich - Luca Toni missed a penalty and subsequently drew against Bremen. They've scored 14 in their last 4 though, so I think they'll be alright.

8) Porto - Dropped a game against Sporting Lisbon thus they drop a few spots. Quaresma watch: Apparently he's "earning" his starting spot on the wing over Sabrosa. The announcers think he played great, I've seen him play better, we'll see. Regardless, Scolari needs to find a spot for him.

9) Barcelona - Sorry, I still don't know what's wrong with them. I watched one game of theirs and it was snoozer. If I were a fan of this team I'd be so disgruntled.

10) Juventus - I find it comical that I picked* the Italian team that most resembles Uruguay's "I can score at any time ability" coupled with "the end result will inevitably frustrate you - even in a win." And comical like the way I would laugh after surviving a plane crash.

*That's not entirely true. My mother picked this team for me in a way by buying me a sick replica jersey. I blame you mother.

11) Rangers - Celtic seems poised to catch them. The headline, "Celtic destroys Dons."

12) Lyon - I'll soon be posting why you should hate France. Stay tuned.


Let me in now, let me in now. Bill Gates, Donald Trump, let me in now. Jim says...

I'm actually in total agreement with these rankings. Well done, Vincenzo. Just a few thoughts on the Top 5:

1) Internazionale - This is the sort of domination in a league we haven't seen since Arsenal 2003-2004. I'd also compare them to the Inter of last year, but that was with Juve in the minors and their other major rivals penalized for scandal. Now, Inter literally refuse to be defeated. They have complete and utter confidence that they will win every time they take the field, no matter the opposition. Of course, that's only in the Serie A. We'll see what kind of tricks Rafa has for them next week.

2) Arsenal - If anything, I feel that going top and staying there during the African Cup of Nations has been more to Arsenal's credit. No Toure, no Song, no diving, whining Eboue (OK, maybe that was actually helpful), but anyway, you get the point.

3) Real Madrid - Guti's healthy again (and just dropped a deuce on fake Real), so that's another weapon they can throw in there. Be skurred.

4) Manchester United - Juan, it's always too soon for a club that takes itself as seriously as this one. Highlights from last week include Ferguson's complaint about seven (completely deserved, and he's lucky there weren't more) yellow cards for his team against Tottenham, and now the twin excuses for defeat of playing the Manchester Derby during the anniversary of the disaster and having players tired after the International Break. Waah.

5) AS Roma - What happened against Siena? Truly a nightmare for them, and they probably should have dropped in these rankings, but everyone else has been pretty mediocre. They Juveniled against Reggina, though, so they're still (numerically) in the hunt. Totti needs to find his form soon, though, because they've got Madrid in the CL.

PS: I think I know why Juan thinks you should hate France. I'll give everyone a hint: starts with a D, believes obsessively in astrology, and in the past six years has made horrible decisions regarding selection for a certain national team.

What Have We Learned?

Since we missed the weekend prediction (doesn't matter, they would've all been wrong), it's time to do the reverse and look back at what has become evident these past few days.


SPAIN

Real are for real, and will win La Liga. This isn't going out on too much of a limb, but they're really beginning to put an official stamp on this season. The whole team was lining up to score against Valladolid yesterday, and they've shown no signs of relenting in their pursuit of back to back titles. Barca, held to a draw, are fading fast and are now 8 points adrift. Julio Baptista, who showed only brief moments of quality with Arsenal last season, has really come into his own with los Merengues. Wenger chose to use La Bestia as a center forward because of his size and strength, either alone or partnered up front. With Real, he's been used in his preferred role as an attacking midfielder, and it has really paid dividends for them. Barcelona may have grabbed the preseason headlines for its deadly attack, but perhaps people underestimated the combined chemistry of Raul, van Nistelrooy, Robben, and Baptista. Throw in Robinho as a substitute winger or second striker, and you've got the makings of another title. This one is over.

[Note: Arsenal vs. AC Milan and Liverpool vs. Inter are certainly mouthwatering Champions League ties, but I personally can't wait to see Roma take on this Madrid squad. There could be some very attractive football on display.]


ITALY

Milan are stringing together another incredible run. Initially sparked by the brilliance of young Alexandre the Duck, continued by the skill of Pirlo and Gilardino, and now sustained by luck (like all good runs), Milan have put together an impressive response to those (like me) who thought their shot at a Top Four spot might be gone. In the Champions League, this doesn't bode particularly well for Arsenal, as Milan have really picked up their form and dropped the Jekyll and Hyde act which characterized the first half of their season. Instead, they're finding ways to win and are finally having success at the San Siro. While Fiorentina are no slouches, Milan have a hungry look about them, and I like their chances to finish fourth.


ENGLAND

Manchester United are a complete enigma. During this season, we've learned that United have the best player in the world, the most dangerous attack and stingiest defense in England, perhaps the deepest bench in Europe, and yet under the right circumstances, are eminently beatable. Sir Alex Ferguson has called this perhaps his best squad ever (which is saying A LOT), and yet they're in second place and have lost four times this season. It's true that there is still a long way to go, and they remain in the hunt for three major trophies, but one cannot help but wonder if performances like the lackluster display against City won't come back to bite them. If Arsenal take advantage of United's loss and Chelsea's draw with Liverpool to pull three points further away, harnessing the power of Fergie's frustration would enable the city of Manchester to go green for weeks.

[Note: Did anyone watch the Manchester Derby? Great stuff. It began with a commemoration for the victims of the Munich Air Disaster of 1958, and commenced with a minute of silence. Because of the deep rivalry between Man U and Man City, there were fears that the City fans would disrupt this solemn occasion with jeers and chants. Instead, the whole thing went off beautifully. Seeing 70,000 fans of rival clubs come together in silence, holding their scarves high with pride and respect, is what sports is all about.]

Weekend Preview

Looking ahead to the biggest matchups in La Liga, Serie A, and the FA Cup, respectively.

SPAIN

Real Madrid (1st) vs. Villareal (3rd). Los Merengues passed their first test of the second half with flying colors, edging a strong Atletico side 2-nil last weekend. Atletico's front partnership of Forlan and Aguero got a lot of the headlines going in, but it was Real's aging-like-fine-wine strikeforce of Raul and van Nistelrooy that decided the match. Oh, and Iker Casillas made two or three incredible saves (yawn) to run his clean sheet record to six matches straight in La Liga. Villareal, meanwhile, are quietly having a great season. They've been injury-free all year (oh snap, there's a jinx waiting to happen), and are putting a strong challenge in to regain Champions League football, something they've gone without for two seasons. Nihat has been in fine form up front, Pires is showing he's got something left in the tank, and the most talented young American (er, Italian... what kind of crap is this) in world soccer has 8 goals in La Liga competition.

The verdict: Sorry, Villareal. Real Madrid have been completely dominant at the Bernabeu, scoring 23, conceding 7, and winning all 9 games played. Count on them to sink el Submarino Amarillo, but Iker really can't keep this up, can he? Real Madrid 2 - 1 Villareal.

ITALY

Udinese (5th) vs. Inter Milan (1st). Poor Udinese. Playing well all season, they're now faced by the second of two Milan juggernauts in two weeks. But just because they've become Job for the scheduling gods, doesn't mean there's not hope. Last week, Inter struggled mightily against a mediocre (that's charitable) Parma side. In fact, they had no business DRAWING that game, let alone winning it. Instead, a harsh 88th minute penalty for handball was converted by Ibrahimovic, who then won it with an excellently controlled ball in injury time. Udinese were also extremely unlucky to lose last week, defending well, but falling victim to poor refereeing decisions and then Gilardino's extra time strike.

The verdict: Things probably won't get any better for Udinese. Fiorentina is sitting in what was their fourth place spot, and look like a sheed to defeat lowly Empoli. Inter can't afford to drop points with Roma churning out results, and they won't. Udinese 0 - 1 Inter.

ENGLAND

Manchester United vs. Tottenham Hotspur (FA Cup 4th Round). Tottenham dismantled (there's no other word for it) the old enemy on Tuesday in front of a giddy White Hart Lane. To get to this fixture, new manager Juande Ramos took them past a solid Reading side without conceding a goal (!). It's for good reason, then, that many Spurs fans are proclaiming the corner turned. Not so fast, though. Their next three fixtures, including this one, are: away to Man U, away to Everton, and home to Man U. That's brutal. If they get out of that stretch with one win, I'll be convinced they're finally on track.

The verdict: Scoring is never a problem for Spurs; they're only two behind (44) leaders Man U and Arsenal (46) in the league. However, they can't stop conceding. On Tuesday, even when playing near-perfectly, they couldn't keep a clean sheet. Ronaldo, Rooney, and Tevez aren't going to let them, either. Man U 3 - 1 Spurs.