Pictures that shouldn't be lost in the grind

Notice how Forlan looks surprise. Come on Doug, this happens all the time! (Photo-find courtesy of ESA)

Signs Of Withdrawal

Did you know that we live in a world where a man cannot buy a World Cup Diego Forlan Home jersey replica? A horrible world indeed.

This is how much I miss soccer; I found myself watching Juventus play the New York Red Bulls last night on FSC. Juve lost 3-1. It was an earlier replay from May 23rd and um, I watched it then too. This means I watched a two-month-old International Friendly that I had already seen...
August 15th is how many days away? 25 you say? Damn. Until then, here are updates on TLOCA allegiances.

Arsenal FC
The Cesc Fabregas saga has gone on for so long that I personally believe he will now never leave Arsenal. For at least 2 years. For at least 1 year. We're definitely keeping him this year.

Arsenal's first 5 games are: @Liverpool, Blackpool, @Blackburn, Bolton, @Sunderland.
I fully expect 15 points and a lovely +10 goal differential. While we're here, the Premiership will be decided this year in November and December for the Gunners beginning on Nov 14th:
@Everton, Tottenham, @Villa, Fulham, @United, Blah, Chelsea.
If we manage 14 points or more during that stretch, then Arsenal will be in pole position for the final stretch. Book it. Write it down. Do whatever you do with simple predictions like this.

US National Team
Rumors abound that the US Soccer Federation would like to secure Bob Bradley's future. This is a bad idea. To be sure, Bradley has neither underachieved nor overachieved with the talent he selected and is by no means a manager worth firing/letting go. I am simply a firm believer that National team head coaches should be changed every four years regardless of the outcome. Too many allegiances form during an incredibly long and drawn out qualifying campaign and coaches inevitably develop favorites. Outside of the obvious, Bradley trusts certain players for better - Feilhaber, Bradley - or for worse - Clark, Beasley. As a squad ages, it becomes impossible for an entrenched manager to objectively decide which older players to let go and which ones to keep (See Lippi, Marcelo). For example, by 2014, Tim Howard will be 35. Carlos Bocanegra will be 35. Clint Dempsey will be 32. Landon Donovan will be 33. I am not saying who should make the team, simply that Bradley might not be the best person to do so either. And if Jurgen Klinsmann wants the job for god's sake give it to him!

AS Roma
There isn't much news on the Italian front (release your schedule already!!) but in case you missed it, Roma signed Adriano, the Brasilian phenom who might finally have partied himself out. That means Adriano will join forces with Toni and Totti up front to form the most capricious strike force in professional football. They may run off 15 goals in three games or record only 3 shots attempted in five. Their back line remains quite great with Rossi, Juan, Mexes and Riise and the Roman side should make some noise this year again. This squad finished only 2 points back of Inter last year when they were fire burnin on the dance floor, so never count them out.

TH14Titi Henry, in what can only be Jim's wildest dream, signed for the New York Red Bulls and will play while Jimbo is in New York. And he's making his debut against Tottenham - hence my inclusion of Jim's favorite picture in the world (Click here to blow it up, priceless). Whatever you've done to deserve this Jim please let me know, that way David Trezeguet will sign for DC United and debut against Inter Milan. I demand a blog-post describing the event.

Air McBride
Brian still plays for the Chicago Fire - a team name I just realized after vague google searches is inappropriate - at 38 years old. He started practically all of last year and has 4 goals so far this year. In fact, on August 8th, Brian McBride might be on the field at the same time as Thierry Henry in what will surely be a 10-11 shoot-out in which both players score double hattricks in the first half.

Leo Messi
Messi recently finished his vacation in Rio and visited Haiti after setting a world cup record for most shots attempted in a World Cup without a goal. Unlike Wayne Rooney though, Messi clearly made an impact in every game he played and his talents aren't questioned. I will hopefully write alot more about Messi after seeing him play in person.

Super Robert Pires
The Arsenal legend's contract has not been extended at Villareal but he is rumored to be on his way to Ligue-1 Saint Etienne. He may also get paid in Qatar (see Cannavaro, Che) or with Jim's luck he will also sign with the New York Red Bulls.

Uruguayan National Team
I seriously can't find that beautiful jersey. If I were in to getting out-bidden by 1 penny after days of stressing I'd turn to Ebay but I'm not. Yet...

Juventus FC
Rumours abound that The Old Lady are after my man Diego Forlan. There can be no worse Diego already on the team, so that's probably a good thing. My patience with Juventus is razor-thin, so it's best to wait and see. Also, Juve didn't pick up Martin Caceres' loan option of 12milli and he's back to Barcelona. Again, not much news on the Italian front.

Peñarol
Our founder, Carlos Bueno, is back on the team after Real Sociedad inexplicably did not pick up his loan option. Uruguayan domestic soccer takes off for Christmas break around mid-December and doesn't resume until late January. That makes it just about impossible to see him play in the flesh. He also not so secretly hates Peñarol after they refused to pay him his contract and sued him during his subsequent tantrum. El Pais, Uruguay's newspaper, claims that Bueno's future will be decided shortly. If he doesn't find a place in Spain where I can see him play live for the first time I'll be so damn depressed. This story is developing rapidly so stay tuned.

Cristiano Ronaldo
He has an heir apparently and this is a big deal. A, uh, huge deal. Yeah, the rumors of him being infertile can now be put to rest. I'm simply amazed that he can walk after the repeated murder attempts he received when he played Spain. The officiating that game was a disgrace.

Storybook Runs
Uruguay. This is probably the only video I haven't seen. It's awesome. And finally...

Luca Toni, Wet Hair

And That Mercedes Wagon, With The Kit, That's Kitted Out

Diego Forlan has it on dubs
In a press release, Atletico Madrid revealed security concerns with Diego Forlan's new warm-up before games. Doug plans to warm up wearing shoes made of gold and juggling a ball also made entirely of gold. "It might take some time to get used to, but with the full kit I couldn't pass it up," Diego smiled, revealing his mouth full of gold.

Order is restored

All is right in the world. That was the response Jim gave when he found out that Forlan had earned the Balon de Oro as the World Cup's best player. At the half-time of the Germany Uruguay game we discussed the possible candidates. The shortened version was that as it stands, Forlan deserved it but certainly wouldn't win it. The short list for Fifa included names like Messi, and Iniesta. Two great players who had done nothing compared to Villa, Muller and Forlan.

Then the second half began. And Diego did this. The debate was over. Or at least that's what I screamed to whoever would listen. In the back of my mind, I still had a terrible feeling. But Fifa got it right and maybe, just maybe, it was as obvious a decision as I thought. It may not be a perfect ending, but everything was right.

I had my doubts about Forlan, I can't deny it. When Uruguay struggled during qualifying - oh I haven't forgotten - I blamed Diego. It wasn't exactly misplaced either. All those well weighted passes in the World Cup were turnovers against Bolivia. All those majestic, artistic strikes in the World Cup that embarrassed goal-keepers, sailed high and wide against Chile. Ironically, Atletico's deep run in the Europa Cup helped Diego. This flew in the face of all the English talking heads who blamed long domestic campaigns for the failures of English "stars".

Oh see what had happened was

As it turns out, Diego Forlan had 3 goals in his last 5 club games, two of which were in the Europa 'ship. Wayne Rooney had zero goals in his last 5 games. Notoriously a slow starter, Diego peaked at the perfect time. Simply notorious, Wayne did not. But this is neither here nor there. Irregardless of their respective vintages, Diego Forlan, a Man-Utd burn-out is now also one of the best players in World Cup history.I realized something the day after Luis Suarez received an honorary degree in Physics from South Korea University. The anxiety, the suffering, the complaining, that was all an extension of not my greatest fears - missing the World Cup - but rather my biggest regrets - the lack of memories. 2002 left me with nothing. 2006 even worse. I was at the height of my soccer obsession with no lasting images of Uruguayan soccer.

Ha. How things change huh. From Diego's bomb on South Africa all the way to Diego's mind-altering volley on Germany - with a whole lot of Luis Suarez in between - 2010 was full of memories. And that is what is most important.

2014 can't come soon enough.

Soy Celeste

The dream has ended and this morning I woke up to 100 degree heat. Just like that, politics, religion, the economy, borders, history, trade, oil, water, gas, mineral rights, human rights and animal rights all matter again. It probably didn't help that instead of watching the post-game highlights I stared for an hour at the live feed of oil gushing into the gulf and listened to Rascal Flats' What Hurts the Most on loop.
What Hurts the Most
The only regret that will stay with me after The One Month is that I started doubting this team. My swagger frayed and I leaned on horrible thoughts like, "we had a good run" and "nobody expected us to be here" to console me even before the game begun. Over the weekend I worried to my father that Forlan can't do it all himself. I said that we'd miss Fucile. Not only did he not share my sentiment but he didn't understand what I meant. It took me until ten minutes into the first half to start believing we could win and if there is one thing I could get back it'd be those ten minutes.

Uruguay Belong
The haters out there who walk around slightly depressed and flinch whenever they first breathe fresh air looked at Uruguay in the semi-finals and feigned outrage. They started by predicting Uruguay wouldn't advance out of the group, then they said Uruguay wouldn't win the group. These are the people that stuttered when Diego Forlan banged home the equalizer yesterday and looked confused when Uruguay bossed fifteen-minute chunks of the game. They are also likely the people I screamed at unknowingly when Jim put me on speaker-phone to some self-proclaimed dutch fans after Doug Fresh added more supplements to his patent on Truth Serum.

Uruguay played really well. They did the whole tournament and they certainly paid homage to Nate Silver's pre-WC ranking of 9th as opposed to Fifa's 22nd. It was the largest discrepancy between Fifa ranking and SPI's ranking of any team I might add. But that's the point. Hardly anybody thought we belonged - those people are stupid.

Dutch Delight... More Like Dutch Disgrace
A Dutch housewife decides to clean up the house a bit while watching the game. While vacuuming she accidentally backs into the TV and Arjen Robben falls down.

They are the best team that has never won it. It can stay that way. I can't believe I'm going to castigate simulation but Robben has forced my hand. From my informal statistics, not only did Uruguay never intentionally foul him (even Perez's harsh yellow was a 50/50 ball), but the dives to fouls was approaching 10 to 1 in the second half. I counted three consecutive flops, none of them called (thankfully). It was embarrassing. When I'm at boring dinner parties and people air their grievances about soccer, one of the (tired) complaints is that the players writhe around in pain too much and every time they are touched they freak out. I will still defend the sport heartily, but if someone brings up Arjen Robben I'm pretty screwed. I have a much easier time defending Cristiano now.

Van Bommel is a donkey. It's amazing he doesn't play in England where he can run around kicking achilles, grazing on pasture, and cleating shins. He is a disgrace and Mark Van Bommel is the reason I want the Netherlands to lose on Sunday.

What We Learned About Uruguay
In no particular order:

- The recent heat wave along the east coast is actually a result of Diego Forlan having mistakenly made a phone call to a wrong number in Baltimore. But more seriously the man has written his name in Uruguayan soccer history with permanent marker. I've had my doubts during qualifying, but there can be no more doubts. He is the soul of this team and he has certainly written the future as Nike might say.

- Doug Fresh and Luis Suarez (and Honda) proved that the Jabulani ball is not an issue for forwards.

- I actually do look like Fucile. I've now gotten it 4 times on completely isolated occasions.

- If you need a defensive midfielder who shut down Wesley Sneijder (sorry, a fluke deflection screened by an offsides player doesn't count), Kevin Prince Boateng, Park Ji-Sung, and Youann Gourcuff who costs hmmm, five dollars maybe, talk to Egidio Arevalo. He was the pitbull-looking-fellow who roamed the midfield.

- If you need a striker who plays in Italy with a (laughable) 25 million-euro opt-out fee who unfortunately just ended any hype surrounding him for years, talk to Edinson Cavani.

- Feed Luis Suarez beef cooked medium rare and the man will do wonders with his feet. Do you hear that Tottenham/Citeh/Chelsea?

- This hurts to write but Shakira's Waka Waka, after losing, lost a little luster for me.

- Oscar Washington Tabarez is a phenomenal manager with a future in politics. His goal-celebrations make me smile every time. I might miss Tabarez the most. Until 2014.

JS: I just wanted to add a few things that were too long for a comment and too related to what you've just written to warrant their own post.

First things first: Amen to just about everything. Forlan is fresh to death. If Uruguay wins the third place game on the back of another good performance by him, he's easily the Player of the Tournament for me. And though it hasn't happened since 1990, a player from a team other than the finalists ought to be seriously considered by FIFA for the Golden Ball, and he is that player. (A certain Bastian Schweinsteiger, David Villa, or Mesut Ozil may yet have something to say about that, of course.) Either way, he's a shoo-in for the Tournament Starting XI. And if I had my way, he would be joined there by Lugano, who got better and better throughout the tournament until his unfortunate injury, and your doppelganger, Senor Fucile. I bet if you put on a Uruguay shirt and walked through Montevideo, people would ask for your autograph - you should consider investing in his jersey. But I digress, so back to the point; other than Lahm (or maybe, MAYBE Capdevila), I can't really think of a better fullback this tournament than Jorge Arhancet, excuse me, Fucile. Cointreau and Salcido were pretty good, but didn't get far enough.

As to your ten minute lapse, I honestly thought they'd make the finals from the start. And that's why I put you on speakerphone - the bandwagon Dutch "fans" around me who were talking about awful, nasty, cheating naughty-man Luis Suarez ("Or is it Gonzalez? Whatever.") and how the match had "four-nothing Holland written all over it" needed to hear the voice of someone who actually cared about the outcome. Because they didn't listen when I said Uruguay would make a game of it. They needed a Doug E. Fresh reality check. They needed to learn, the way I learned from my father. The way he learned from his father. If Diego Forlan were my father, that is.

So the dream is over, but what a run it was. At least the nation will always have this:

And I know this got put in a comment earlier (and those who are fans of Forlan's excellent twitter account will have already seen it), but just look at this team. Uruguay should be proud:

Life After Death

I woke up this morning in pain. No, nothing emotional, I mean physical pain - my neck and shoulders have seized up on me like a well cooked lamb shank. I can barely look left or right and it hurts to yawn. Well, I'm lying a bit... about the emotional part.

What Nobody Is Talking About
The freekick in the 120th minute that led to the most frantic 20 seconds in tens of millions of people's sporting lives was a dive. Yep. Watch the replay. It happens at 119:32 of game time and the 2:59:59 mark of the ESPN3 replay. It's as blatant a dive as you will ever see. That is, if the replay was ever shown. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The Bitter Brits
After the game Coach Tabarez was asked if he felt Luis Suarez cheated on the goal-line saving handball. He was asked this because a very bitter Simon Burnton from the English tabloid The Guardian, wrote that Uruguay "have cheated their way to victory." He's right, we cheated and ironically tied 23 to 23. *Holds hand up to ear* Oh wait, I'm getting word from my assistant that fouls committed don't decide the game and if they did the match would have had to go to fouls-committed-penalty-kicks which is a brutal kicking game similar to this.

The definition by which Mr. Burnton defines cheating appears to be when a player breaks the rules of the game. He implied this later with "They have cheated their way to victory. Within the rules of the game we all love. But cheating all the same." Interestingly enough there are even gradations of this rule that the English never break. Yellow cards and red cards are a difficult to understand gradation of fouls. Lets try to understand this better. In the Fifa handbook section 11.2.34 it reads; "Any foul that is judged to be a straight red-card but doesn't produce the desired effect as decided upon by blog writers who love this game dearly will be deemed a Super-Red-Card and thence considered Super-Cheating as opposed to just Regular-Cheating. See Regular-Cheating section 10.3.72."

Section 10.3.72; Any foul that breaks up the flow of play on a counter-attack or when a player pulls a jersey to prevent a cross or slide tackling because said defender is simply less skilled is considered only Regular-Cheating. Regular-Cheating can only occur when the scoring chance isn't extremely obvious by blog writers who love this game dearly. If the scoring chance is Super-Obvious (sect 11.2.35, Super-Obvious Scoring Chance) then the foul shall be deemed Super-Cheating, see sect. 11.2.34.

To section 11.2.35!

Sect 11.2.35 - If a Super-Obvious Scoring Chance occurs during the game, two penalty kicks shall be awarded with the possibility of a third penalty kick awarded should blog writers who love this game dearly deem the first two misses still unjust to the original rules applied. If deemed appropriate, the player who prevented the Super-Obvious Scoring Chance will be asked who his best friend is on the team, and that player will also be given a straight red card.

There it is! The cheating!! The Portuguese referee only awarded one red-card and only awarded one penalty kick! What a disgrace. The replay shows that after Gyan missed the first penalty, Benquerenca asked Luis Suarez who his best friend was on the team and Suarez refused! What a cheater! I am told that Luis Suarez also cheated by celebrating the missed PK but I can't find that in the rule book. Surely it's there.

Sorry I'm Not Sorry
Let the record show that England cheated less than the USA, 12 to 14 on fouls committed. England however lost to Algeria 14 to 13 on cheating and in a real heart breaking cheat fest lost to Slovenia by cheating 20 times to Slovenia's 19 cheats. All this cheating led them out of the group stages where they were robbed. Against Germany, who cheated 7 times, Germany was still oddly awarded the victory even though England only cheated 6 times! Now I understand the bitterness. Considering how much England contribute to the game we all love dearly, this was a devastating mistake by the officials. Hopefully Sepp Blatter will institute Cheat Technology and overturn Germany's victory.

Other Game Notes
Jorge Fucile is apparently Iron Man. Late in the first half he was undercut on a jumping header and landed pretty much directly on his neck. When he laid motionless for 10 seconds I got text-messages that read, "He just died on the field" and "I think he's dead". Not only did he come back to play the rest of the 1st half, albeit a bit woozy, but he played the whole second half and played well. Respect.
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I'll tone down the irony with the handball in just a moment but I think it's ironic that on the replay, if you watch closely, Fucile jumps to try and head it, misses it and then punches at it frantically and still misses. We may have to consult the rule book again about players who are seen to attempt Super-Cheating on Super-Obvious Goal Scoring Chances but fail. On second thought, I'll spare you.
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When Ghiggia, the Uruguayan who shocked Brasil and the world in 1950, was asked to reflect on his goal he said, "despite the joy we had, it was sad to see the stands. People were crying and desperate." I'm not sad yet, kind of not at all actually, but I will safely assume that I'll feel sad eventually.
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Uruguay will face the Netherlands without Fucile (accumulated a second yellow on one of 10 absurdly terrible calls by the referee) Godin and Lugano. That's three of our four starters in the back line. We also face the LowLands without Luis Suarez (coughCHEATER!) who I hope mails a picture of his erect penis to Simon Burnton in his free time. It goes without saying that Luis was in stunning form, ask South Korea, and that Forlan has benefited from his form. And vice versa.

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I won't spend to much time on this but it goes without saying that a great steak dinner is made better with a cold beer and a great dessert afterward. Beating Ghana was the steak dinner, Brasil losing was the cold beer and Argentina getting absolutely embarrassed this morning was the sweetest of desserts. MMMMMhmmm it's tasty. Life is good.

Until Tuesday

Inbox: Uruguay South Korea

All times Eastern - (Name)

10:12 - (Dad) Barbaro Forlan y Suarez, precisamos mas arqueros como el coreano

10:12 - (A.E) Not watching unfortunately. Have to do some volunteer bs. How's it looking

10:13 - (B.H) Oh my god they just showed fusili! You look just like him! E agrees. Ps suarez is good
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10:15 - (B.H) Oh i know how hard that finish was. That was world class
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10:20 - (B.H) You really get forward at left back there. good runs
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10:25 - (co-blogger) You boys look crisp
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10:48 - (B.H) Truth. Dangerous on the counter. Should have a pk and a break away
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11:03 - (J.A) Big time players make big time plays
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11:23 - (co-blogs) Hit these fuckers on the break

11:24 - (J.A) Oh no

11:25 - (co-bl) Yea... The Koreans are so fit it's inhuman
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11:36 - (J.A) Oh yes
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11:38 - (M.A) Ya uruguay!! That was sick

11:38 - (B.H) That was unreal. How. How

11:39 - (M.A) Haha i can imagine

11:40 - (B.H) Great shot
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11:44 - (co-bl) World fucking class
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11:50 - (B.H) Well done
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11:52 - (B.H) Precisely. Wonderful

11:53 - (co-bl) Congrats... This is quite the run
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11:57 - (J.A) Sicknasty
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12:00 - (J.A) Ill be seeing you next round sir
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12:51 - (A.E) My god. That was a giant middle finger to all of Asia. Goal of the tournament

Luis Suarez - Pay That Man

Round 1 Thoughts and Musings

Group A
The permutations and expectations of this group are dizzying at times. I have heard sound arguments for all 8 two-team combinations to advance. France/Mexico. Uruguay/SouthAf. France/SouthAf... and so on and so forth. What is certain however, is that the excitement and 47 months of anticipation shrouded the statistic that only 4 teams who have lost their opening match have ever advanced out of the group. Friday's games demonstrated this but you wouldn't have known it until today. That is to say, the mentality that is dominating the first salvos is clearly - don't lose your first game!

All four teams in Group A showed at least one positive sign but also several negatives. And though the standings show the group all-square, the first round, to me, revealed two tiers. Uruguay and France are in the upper tier, and Mexico/SouthAf are in the lower tier based on the nuances of the play. Shape, discipline, ball-movement - these characteristics were at a higher level in Game2. Today, hopefully (if you're me) the disparity in class will shine through.

If Uruguay can't beat South Africa then they don't deserve to advance. And in order to avoid all shenanigans, Uruguay must win today. They know this. And of all people, Loco Abreu surmised it best. "We got 1 point against France, now its up to everyone else to try and get a point against France." That means you Mexico.

Group B
Messi's scoreless streak for country continues even though by all accounts he had a great game. Meh. Let me know when he scores. Nigeria looked atrocious so it's tough to commit to any conclusions. The only team that looked worse is Greece. South Korea overflowed with confidence and that will hopefully carry over when they play Argentina next. Needless to say the round 2 match between Korea and Argentina will show which squad is legit.

Group C
A fan somewhere in Slovenia during their match realized an opportunity was about to pass them by. Slovenia is in control of this group but for a moment, or rather, 78 minutes, it looked as if this previously unthinkable conclusion would be squandered. Unfortunately for USA/England, Algeria's goalkeeper decided to also take a dump on the field.
So here we are. Group C is the most interesting group and the United States joins the list of teams that is faced with a must-win scenario on Friday. It's still impossible to imagine England not advancing out of the group stages but let's just say I'm listening to all comers.

Group D
Germany didn't get the memo that the first round of games are to be played tentatively and with caution. Ze Germans swaggered and they surfed. Everyone who needed to score for that squad, Prince Podolski and Klose, did. The only way it could get any better for the Germans is if Algeria finishes 2nd place in the Group C.

Group E
The Netherlands haven't exactly clicked into place and the health of Arjen Robben still looms. Bendtner looked pretty good. Uh... yeah, not much going on here except that Cameroon is winning the world cup by a mile for coolest fu%$ing jerseys. Mmmmmmm.

Group Fail
Booooooooo. I'm so upset Luca Toni isn't a part of this.

Group G
My mother thought it was a bad idea that I wore a Uruguay shirt and watched the Brasil game at Reagan/National airport cheering for North Korea. I was prepared to fight every random white guy wearing a Kaka jersey though so it's all good. It's probably too early to tell, but Brasil looked like dog shit. I will convert to any religion that can answer my prayers that Brasil loses their next two games.
There are many complaints about the vuvuzella's and one of those complaints is that you can't hear the ooo's and aah's during a build-up. Ivory Coast vs. Portugal debunked that argument handily. When the jumbotron showed Didier Drogba about to come into the game the vuvu's went apeshit and the stadium seemed like it was gonna come down for 3 minutes. That was a thousand times cooler than singing and it's going to be very hard to forget hearing that boom of vuvu's.

Group H
Chile's Sanchez looked honeycrisp and Honduras came out tired and with no rhythm. Spain is currently playing so I can't comment on them yet but come on, Spain is winning this group [editors change] losing today.

TwoType of B!$ches

"You got bitches who will and bitches who won't.
Bitches who do and bitches who don't.
Man you got bitches who can and bitches who can't.
You got bitches who know they are and bitches know that they ain't."

Don't be surprised to see Bernard Freeman in South Africa supporting the United States with his ties to Clint Dempsey. I'm just saying.

Spain
Why they can - No team has played better than Spain in the past 2 years. They won the Euro's and they didn't lose a qualifying game in Europe. Spain also has the most proven talent on their roster from a club perspective. It is not difficult to find reasons why they can win it.

Why they can't - A simply stunning history of under-achieving. In 2006 they lost in the Round of16. In 2002 they lost to South Korea in the quarters. In 1998 they didn't get out of their group! The list goes on and on culminated by historically the biggest poop sandwich in 1982 when the host nation didn't make it to the knock-out stages.
And who does Spain have waiting for them after the group stages? Only the 2nd place (or 1st place) team from the pundit proclaimed Group of Death! Brasil, Portugal or the Ivory Coast. Have fun with that Spain. It's another Round o' 16 exit for the Red Fury... or they'll make the final. Probably one of those two.

Brasil
Why they can - Joga Bonito and Luis Fabiano, who I have winning the Golden Boot.

Why they can't - The only player in that video that still plays for Brasil is Robinho. Which touches upon a more important reason why they can't - why change a good thing? Before Dunga arrived Brasil had won 5 titles by scandalizing goal-keepers and not returning phone calls (I apologize for the language, very NSFW). Now they want to focus on defense. Huh? Their goals in qualifying are only slightly down but they don't play like they used to. And the omission of Ronaldinho from a squad that kept Josue and Gilberto is glaring. The boo-birds were out in Brasil and not on one occasion. If there are two things Brasilians know well its unprotected sexual intercourse, and good soccer. So if the fans don't believe in this team then neither do I.

England
Why they can - The British have an easy group and one of the easiest roads to go deep in the tournament. Wayne Rooney has shown he is capable of carrying a team and who knows, maybe even Lampard and Gerrard will play like it's 2001. Add John Terry and Rio Ferdinand to that list as well. They have the players, albeit a bit worn, and they have the balance.

Why they can't - Lampard and Gerrard. Watch Gerrard's reaction (:36) to when Lampard misses and guess the outcome of his PK. That game against Portugal typified pretty much all of England's struggles. I'll ignore Wayne Rooney's complete loss of composure since he's four years older now and surely more mature. But I can't ignore their anguish before they've lost. The weight of the world, whether real or not, crushes them. The fans heap on the pressure, the unrealistic expectations and the media leverages that 50-fold. There simply isn't an atmosphere to succeed on that rainy island. It's a terrible relationship the players have with their media and it reminds me of a bad divorce that keeps getting delayed to save the children. Nobody wins and the children end up bitter and jaded.

Argentina
Why they can - Lionel. Messi.

Why they can't - The last time Lionel played well for Argentina a certain dope-fiend was in the stands watching, not on the bench. Maradona may have butchered um, well everything about Argentina but I don't think Diego is to blame for the odd lack of depth in the midfield. Everyone also seems be ignoring their back four. It's easy to do because they're so top heavy, but still, after Gabriele Heinze you can't name another defender on that team. And Heinze isn't good anymore. The line-up for Argentina after their forwards and Mr. Messi is surprisingly without star-power, that's all I'm saying. They're in a tricky group and I can't say I'll be shocked if they finish 2nd place in that group.

Netherlands
Why they can - The Dutch didn't lose a game qualifying in Europe and there aren't enough murmurs about a team that has Van Persie, Robben, Sneijder, Van der Vaart, Kuyt, De Jong, Ooijer, Huntelaar, and Babel. Not to mention their easy group and the 2nd place team from Group F(ail) in the round o' 16. They may not play a team until the Semi-finals and then anything can happen. Like this. The Lands are one of 3 teams I can see winning the whole thing.

Why they can't - Apparently Van Persie and Sneijder hate each other, which is just stupid, and their keeper is outrageously not Edwin Van Der Saar. Whether the VP and Sneijder beef is true or not the Dutch have some large, just massive egos to keep in check. This team hates adversity and if they were a boxer they'd have a weak chin - ask Arshavin.

Germany
Why they can - Five out of the past nine World Cup finals have included Germany. Thus, when Germany is the second of three teams I like to win the whole thing it is not bold at all. The Ballack injury will hopefully galvanize them and Ze Germans still have Podolski, Klose, Schweinsteiger, Lahm, Gomez, Jansen and eighty years of German discipline and focus. Before Essien got hurt Ze Germans would have been in a very tricky group but Ghana just won't be the same without him. Not to mention that Germany gets the 2nd place team in Group USA.

Why they can't - I could be wrong about the Ballack injury and the Germans themselves seem worried about their goal-scoring drought since they ran up the score in a meaningless scrimmage. Also, two inexplicable draws against Finland may pay homage to that phrase: their is never just one cockroach. Their jerseys are ugly this year.

and finally

Uruguay
Why they can - Forlan and Suarez are the third best strike-duo in the world and the center-backs have been playing together for 8 years. Sprinkle in midfielders who know their role (Pereira, Gargano), a super sub who bagged 6 goals in Conmebol qualifying (Abreu) and a young, creative midfielder who has no idea the magnitude of what's happening around him (Lodeiro) and you've got a balanced bunch that can make some noise. The team overcame unbelievable pressure to qualify in dramatic fashion so they're battle-tested. Uruguay has an easy group and a great road to the finals.

Why they can't - Their mascot, a terrifying blue duck. But really because Uruguay is the most inconsistent team with regards to volatility in the tournament. Meaning, when they're on they can poop at Brasil but when they're off they can lose to the Cayman Islands. Admittedly it's very difficult to write about this team objectively because I just watched that Ecuador video and started crying a little bit. But it's important to note that they're favorites to win Group A and ranked 10th in the world by Nate Silver. So at the very least there are two people who know Uruguay are the type that can.

Samir of Nasri

It's a good thing that Raymond Domenech is the worst judge of talent since Al Davis because otherwise I'd be very worried in 93 days when Uruguay plays France. I would be worried because Samir Of Nasri absolutely embarrassed two Uruguayans to put Arsenal up 3-nil yesterday in what was a sensational and mesmerizing display of hips. Luckily, Domenech barely plays the French phenom.

If you didn't know, and shame on you, Porto is the unofficial Uruguayan National Club team with 3, count it, 3 Uruguayans, all of them starters. They are: Jorge Fucile, Alvaro Perreira and Cristian Rodriguez. Fucile is the one that people say looks like me, and I don't mind that because he's a very handsome dude. Cristian Rodriguez is the Onion (la cebolla) and Pereira apparently goes by Alvaro on his jersey for reasons I can't explain. Two of them are pictured on the future Nasri poster titled, "Samir of Nasri rudely shows Uruguay how to finish a scoring chance."

While we're here, the other relevant Uruguayans (and soon to become more relevant once we make the semi's in the World Cup) are:
Diego Forlan - Atletico Madrid
Luis Suarez - Ajax and apparently not for long as Chelsea (booo!) are taking a look at him
Martin Caceres - Juventus
Carlos Bueno - Penarol on loan to Real Sociedad - the founder and creative force behind this very website. You really need to click on that video if you didn't - it's quite possibly the worst quality of video ever but the highlights are accompanied by the fantastic song that is always at the ready whenever Uruguay scores. The radio blasts it mid-game, the local broadcast has been known to blast it mid-game and it's the song played at the bars whenever the highlights come on the TV later that night and prompts everyone to riot.

Anyway, the Arsenal look great and here's to hoping that Lyon, AC Milan and Inter Milan all win!

The World Cup, Last Name Ever, First Name The Greatest

"Nobody will sleep tonight in Montevideo... They eat soccer, sleep soccer and they will wait no more."

That's a quote from the one-man crew and regular voice of Uruguayan soccer last night as the worst of all kinds of sporting droughts came to a cathartic end. This is Odysseus finding his way home, and make no mistake, it's been a long journey.


June 11, 2002
Uruguay's most recent world cup game. Ouch. That hurt to type. La Celeste entered the day needing a win over Senegal and a France loss (or win by less goals than our win). I was seventeen years old. Uruguay ended the first half against Senegal down 3-0. We had 45 minutes to get four. Four. Obviously it didn't happen. I hate Wikipedia with a passion but it does a nice job with the World Cups in case you're interested in re-living one of the strangest World Cups in modern history. In retrospect, this was the United State's best chance to make the finals but an even better chance for Uruguay had they emerged 2nd from their group. Sounds crazy but it's true, I could write for hours about that World Cup but I digress.

The bottom-line is that Uruguay choked when they got to the big stage. A 23 year-old Diego Forlan, a healthy Alvaro Recoba, an experienced back four, it all led to an abysmal showing and only until the last 45 minutes of the third game did Uruguay look like the squad everyone had anticipated. It's a shame really because if somehow we're forgiven for our pathetic 225 minutes prior, we would have been hot at the right time.

That's not how the World Cup works though. Heroes are carved into stone and goats sometimes shot when they come home. I can't think of an instance when the best team didn't win it. Sure there are upsets - Korea over Spain - but only seven countries have ever won, and five of them have repeated. That is to say, the great countries inevitably shine and the good countries eventually flame out. Here are the winners; Uruguay, Italy, Italy, Uruguay, Germany, Brasil, Brasil, England, Brasil, Germany, Argentina, Italy, Argentina, Germany, Brasil, France, Brasil, Italy.

The French team that won in '98 is arguably the best team ever assembled and the Brasil '02 team featured 5 players that are ranked in the top 50 players ever. The '86 Argentina squad had the best player ever to play the game who took the torch from the '70 Brasil team that had Pele. Uruguay won when it hosted in 1930, Italy when it hosted after that, England when it hosted after that, and Argentina when it hosted after that.

It's why Brasil will win the World Cup in 2014 (book it) and we'll never see the United States win one in our lifetime. And they are not the only ones on the list.


November 16, 2005
Uruguay loses to the Socceroos, coached by Guus Hiddink, by way of penalty shoot-out after splitting the home and home, 1-0 both games. I didn't watch the match, I watched only a few qualifying games. I, like just about every Uruguayan, assumed we'd be in.

Their absence didn't register with me until the World Cup had begun and my squad was nowhere to be seen. It felt like I had left the gate open and my dog had gotten out. You just assume you'll find the dog. Well, not this time. This time the dog is somewhere in Australia having been dismembered like a third trimester abortion.

I watched every game of the 2006 WC, every minute in fact except for 45 - the 2nd half of the Trinidad vs Sweden game when I actually fell asleep it was so boring. It changed my sports life. I started watching the English Premier League, then the Serie A, then La Liga. I even co-started a soccer blog*. I can tell you where Arsene Wenger was born, what David Trezeguet's mother looks like, and what Luca Toni's hand-rotation-near-side-of-head goal celebration means. The obsession had firmly cemented itself.

October 13, 2007
World Cup Qualfying for 2010, THREE years from now begins. What a terrible idea. Two and half, but still. Uruguay opens the campaign at home against Bolivia. I am watching the game, no joke, on a three inch by four inch online feed with a picture that looks something like this. Louis Suarez opens the onslaught and Carlos Bueno caps off a boisterous, fun, dick-shaking display of soccer, 5-0. Three days later we lose a horrendous and uninspiring game to Paraguay, 1-0. I probably should have gotten out then, while I still could.

November 21, 2007
It's gut-check time as Uruguay travels to Brasil. I wrote about it in a previous post. Here's the goal I'm referring to since youtube sucks now. If you don't feel like re-living all the hurt, in summary, we lost.

March 28, 2009
After the Brasil fiasco we earn 6 points in 6 games, including, The Point. We're at home against Paraguay, they're top of the table, and qualification is becoming a serious doubt. We win in dominating fashion, 2-0, but that match turns out to be just an up-draft in the free-fall we're in.

September 5, 2009
Three more games pass by and only 2 points come from them. If you're keeping track at home that's 14 points in 11 games. That's not gonna do it. It just isn't. The free-fall continues and the only positive spin available for the loss at Peru is that Uruguay finally hits the ground. To be fair the loss against last-place Peru was coming from fifty miles away. I intentionally didn't watch this game it was so obvious. I actually told my parents and family that I wasn't going to watch because I knew how angry it would make me. Best decision I ever made. 14 points in 12 games.

There are three games left and mathematically Uruguay cannot lose any of them.

September 9, 2009
Uruguay vs. Colombia. El Pais, Uruguay's CNN, writes a story essentially outlining how the Uruguayan players are so nervous they can't imagine performing well. Quotes from the players translate without ambiguity, "I'm so F*&^ING NERVOUS!" Emails fly back and forth between family members and the consensus is that we need a goal quick, because if it's 0-0 at halftime we'll crumble under the pressure. Sure enough, Luis Suarez scores 6 minutes in. It's one of those goals that's so important but gets lost in the box score and disappears. But don't be fooled, it's as important as any in the next 5 games. Uruguay 3, Colombia 1.

October 10, 2009
Uruguay at Ecuador. Mathematically we must win. You already know how this story ends but I am obligated to mention the through-ball that stopped time. Here it is, skip to the 3:45 mark. By the way, the other person screaming, "VAMOS! VAMOS! (4:02)" is not an announcer, it's just some guy in the booth.

Here's the translation, starting at 4:06, I would put it in all caps to emphasize but just assume it's all caps.

It's nowornever! Nowornever! Noworneverrrrrrrrrrrrr. Penalty!! Penalty!! Penalty at the death. Penalty at the death! It's red for the keeper! (shown yellow) To me it should be red for the keeper but that doesn't matter. I WANT TO KILL MYSELF! Penalty for Uruguay!! I need to calm down first!! 47th minute and 20 seconds! ... Here is the replay! (4:26)


Let's end on that.
_______________________________________

*The 2006 WC didn't always lead to good things

South Africa to Make Room for Uruguay

Welcome Back David Trezeguet

He's been back since September 12th but yesterday, with his late goal against Genoa, he debuted his trademark joy (pictured).


Juventus 2, Tasty Salami 2

The match started off with a bang after Camorenesi dummied a cross to an overlapping Vincenzo who struck well from outside the box. It was the type of play that pays homage to The Beautiful Game and its always nice to see Iaquinta on the score sheet. What was set out to be a trap game was on pace to end 15-nil and I thought, "what a shame to watch a record-setting match on a grainy, small, frustrating feed."

If you didn't know, Juventus made some very relevant transfers this off-season and while Diego, Felipe Melo, and Cannavaro may steal the headlines, the best one of them all was the acquisition of Fabio Grosso from Lyon. He needs no introduction, of course, but it is worth noting that he replaced my arch-rival and nemesis-till-death, Molinaro. And if you're not that familiar with Juventus, that's like replacing Nicklas Bendtner with Fernando Torres.

Before I forget, another hilariously pleasing signing resulted in Uruguayan Martin Caceres joining the Old Lady - seen here about to carefully end another man's career. The website mentions a tradition of Uruguayan players joining Juventus and at first I thought that pretty awesome until I realized these are the men responsible for my impending nervous breakdown. Caceres is only 22 and yes, he is a very promising Uruguayan defender. Which is to say, he's extremely rare. Here's to wishing him a long and prosperous career at La Juve and more importantly, la Selecion.

In fact, Uruguayan nationals keep popping up all over the place lately. I watched the Real Madrid v Villareal match just the other day and who do I see but two Uruguayans, Eguren and Diego Godin. The best part about that video is that Carlos Tevez, who's knows Godin well, gives him a cheap shot and it's Eguren that confronts him with a sarcastic, he's not really hurt but you're the exact same asshole I remember you as, lecture. Anyway, moving right along.

It's after half-time at this point, all knotted up at 1's. Juventus lacks the final pass during attacking plays to lead to any relevant chances on goal. When Juventus struggles it's because the midfielders play long-balls over the top rather than use the fullbacks for a slower build-up. It sort of comes with the territory in the Serie A. Not soon after a seemingly innocuous run down the sideline for the Cured Meat suddenly turns malicious and a header is smashed home near post. I'm listening to the Italian announcers and could have sworn I heard the name Crespo.

This sends me scrambling to Gamecast, that pathetic excuse for following a game and I see H. Crespo has apparently scored. No, now I know I'm crazy. Hernan Crespo? Yes, it is. The man who could never quite fill the shoes of Gabriel Batitusta (could anyone) is on loan at Genoa. Not only that, he just put them ahead. Daggers - 76'.

Then Iaquinta scores - disallowed dubiously for offsides. Then Chiellini scores - disallowed dubiously for offsides. Am I witnessing a scandal? The replay shows Trezeguet, who flicked it up for Giorgio, onside by a full two yards. What's going on here?

I'm irate until, yep, David Trezeguet scores the equilizer and follows up with his spot-on impression of the happiest man on earth. The smile is contagious and just like that I'm ok with 1 point.

Welcome back David. I've missed you.
(actual game photo -->)

Pandora's Box

"Impelled by her natural curiosity, Pandora opened the jar, and all evil contained escaped and spread over the earth. She hastened to close the lid, but the whole contents of the jar had escaped, except for one thing which lay at the bottom, and that was Hope."
__________________________________________________

Uruguay
at Ecuador
vs Argentina

Best Case Scenario: Somehow after losing to Peru, Uruguay still has control over their own fate. Colombia was a must win and they did; which is the only reason they're in this post at all. If they win out they could finish as high as third, which is so silly I don't even smile when I think about what they've put me through. Goal differential gives them the tie-break over everyone still chasing and two wins will see them auto-qualifying.

How They Can Back In: A draw to Ecuador and a win against Argentina still puts them through assuming that neither Venezuela, nor Colombia win their remaining two games. Venezuela has Paraguay and Brasil, and Colombia has a desperate Chile - who still need 1 point to clinch - and Paraguay. This scenario would also eliminate Argentina and the entire population of Montevideo would die with delight. Actually die of happiness. It would also effectively ruin any flicker of bilateralism remaining between the two nations.

What Can't Happen: So long as Venezuela, Argentina, or Colombia keeps winning they must follow suit.

Portugal
vs Hungary
vs Malta

Best Case Scenario: Portugal, on the other hand, does not control their own destiny. They must win their next two and require that Sweden acquire no more than 4 points in their remaining two against Denmark and Albania. They also need to win one of their remaining two games by more goals than Sweden wins it's lone game to beat the tiebreak. Remember that all of this is to finish 2nd with the opportunity to continue qualifying.

How They Can Back In: Sweden must lose out and Portugal can draw their remaining two games to overtake the Swedes on differential. Not exactly likely with Albania on the schedule.

What Can't Happen: Realistically they must win-out and hope that Denmark beats Sweden. Sweden's magic number is 4.

Israel
vs Moldova
at Switzerland

Best Case Scenario: Israel must win out and Greece and Latvia must both lose 1 of their remaining two games. They play each other so that's unlikely considering Luxemborg and Moldova are their other two opponents.

How They Can Back In: Greece and Latvia draw in their match, and neither squad wins by more goals in their last games than Israel wins in its two combined game. That puts Israel in second on goal differential.

What Can't Happen: Israel cannot lose because at least 1 point will be disseminated between Latvia and Greece since they play each other.

Turkey
at Belgium
vs Armenia

What Can't Happen: It's bleak for the Turks, hence my skipping of the other sections. The reason is because Bosnia cannot win either of it's two games, nor cannot it draw both games (because of GD). Bosnia has Estonia and Spain left on the schedule so it's not completely crazy. Again, hope is the agenda here. Obviously Turkey must win out and it wouldn't hurt to accumulate an 11 goal margin to win the tiebreak either, otherwise known as the song, Turkey feat. Memphis Bleek

France
vs Faroe Islands
vs Austria

Best Case Scenario: Raymond Domenech gets struck by a bus before October 10th

How They Can Back In: Serbia earns no more than 1 point against Romania and Lithuania along with France winning their remaining two by a margin of 9 goals.

What Can't Happen: If Serbia wins any of its next two, ladies and gentleman they will have automatically qualified for the world cup. Also, if somehow France only draws (or less) it's remaining two and Austria wins out, France is gone.

Egypt
at Zambia
vs Algeria

Practically all of Africa is still up for grabs but the Egyptians, a squad I think could do some things in the World Cup, is down 3 points to Algeria and needs some help.

_____________________

As I watched Andres Scotti's improbable, looping, momentum-defying header slowly bounce across the line to give Uruguay a 2-1 lead over Columbia I couldn't help but wonder about that feeling - hope. "Hope," by its definition contains an irrational element to it. Now, with this two year qualifying campaign coming to an end, I've wondered about the Greek mythology of Pandora's box. We all know the story; it was opened releasing evil and despair on the world but it also released Hope. What this terrible qualifying campaign has made me wonder about is the word, "but" in the previous sentence. Why is there this universal understanding that Hope is not just as evil as the other things released from the box? Why do we assume Hope is a good thing? And why would do we seem to take for granted that Hope is the countermeasure to the other evil qualities. It's a ludicrous notion and I've come to realize this after Uruguay ropes me back in for another month of this interminable qualifying horror story.

October 10th and 14th - those are the dates when this will all finally end and I can once again find solace in the facts, regardless of the outcome. I've gained a new appreciation for reality and it seems to me that the story of Pandora's box is a hilarious double entendre that we've all been missing for the last hundreds of years.

Ha.

Satan Said Dance

The Champions League has left me in a void I hadn't approached since Fabian Carini did his best Jenna Jameson impression in World Cup Qualifying. Brasil 2, Uruguay 1 was the worst loss I've ever experienced as a whole.

I was at a bar with my dad watching Uruguay for the first time since 2002. We entered Summers and were shocked to see the remaining 20 Uruguayans on the eastern seaboard drinking beers and loudly conversing - in spanish of course - about Montevideo and Rocha. I was sure my eyes were deceiving me as I scanned the room to see La Celeste jerseys on everyone. My dad and I got pretty bad seats (only 5 minutes till kick, how foolish of us) next to an older Uruguayan couple seemingly enjoying their appetizers.

It took only three minutes for me to curse in Spanish at Forlan's bad pass and the crowd awoke. A group of 20-somethings laughed at my outburst and when I looked back to see if they were laughing at me someone in the crowd responded with, "VAMOS! Carajo!!!" That sufficiently fired the crowd and it was about time because this happened.

The only other time I can remember being filled with such violent joy and the need to scream and flex my muscles was Clint Dempsey's carefree open-lace blast against Ghana (were you in my basement with me Jim?). Well anyway, long story short, if you want to know how I felt - pause the video at the 11 second mark, check Abreu's face, and that was me. The bar was :19.

That's all I remember after that.

Well that's not exactly true. I remember I stared at my dad at one point during the final minute completely heartbroken and devastated and he was lost in thought. He sat there still for a moment, then his eyes flared and he snapped out it. "Lets go," was all he said.

I can hardly imagine what that team has done to him the past 30 years and I realized something after I watched Toure flail behind Babel for the 100th time. The human experience was designed to endure long stretches of misery and failure but not meant to sustain happiness. You can become desensitized to happiness but your threshold for pain only increases. And that's what sports are all about. I had X amount of sports misery and Steven Gerrard simply told me to make room for X + 1.

__________________________________

What have we learned...

Remember when I predicted no English teams would advance except for the winner of Arsenal/Liverpool. Sorry. I came away having learned something important though - the top teams in the EPL enjoy a significant home field advantage. I refuse to buy into the Stamford Bridge streak yet, but now I'll at least listen to what you're selling.

And can someone please explain to me what happened to De Rossi? My publicist is telling me that he effortlessly converted his PK on the biggest mother effing stage already - explain yourself Of-The-Pink. Gosh that would have changed the game completely. Don't let the media fool you with their, "Man Utd on cruise control," or "Manchester United easily through" or, "Man Utd players don't wear condoms when making love to Roma WAGs."

United were in some real danger if De Rossi doesn't miss his first ever* penalty. Ya, ya, then Ferguson brings on Cristi and Rooney. Whatever, crazier things have happened than that game going to PKs. All I'm trying to point out is that Chester looks vulnerable and it's eerily similar to the way the Patriots looked vulnerable in their wins as well. Huh, huh, didnt think I'd mention the patriots did you. Well yeah, I did, that just happened, wrap your mind around that.

(The only problem now is that the loss has to happen to Barca now because facing a familiar foe in Livercrap or Chelsboring isn't going to happen)

Meanwhile, after Jim and I checked into our room at Heartbreak Hotel, we were visited by satan - he said this weekend will give the Gooners one final hurrah on the season and that we should dance. Satan also said that Arsene is gonna start Theo or else. Thanks satan.

Juventus has AC Milan as well - thank god Kaka is healthy again. YAY! I'm sure my two teams aren't going to split the weekend.

Enjoy the weekend.


*may or may not be true

Your Cup Overflows

Bartender, pour me some soccer.

England vs Switzerland (3pm et. on FSC)

Italian skipper Capello has his first cupcake, Switzerland. If he doesn't convince the putrid fans with an overwhelming victory they'll somehow complain more. Just now, at this very moment, I realized that the English side simply is not that great. Every team has "talent" and the English style of soccer - which is long crosses, no dribbling, defense first - does not exactly allow this talent to flourish.
But Juan, you hate England? I'm not reading your bias anymore...
wait, wait, seriously, think about their squad. Besides Terry - who would literally rather get kicked in the face before he lets up a scoring chance - they are stocked full of good-at-everything, great-at-nothing players.
Gerrard, Cole, Hargreaves, Rio Ferdinand, other Cole, Rooney, Crouch, Owen... booooooooo! (deep breath) BOOOOOOOO! I'm boo'ing my computer right now. Their only (arguably), "electric" players are Gareth Barry and Shaun Wright-Phillips - they don't play that much. And the other one, I think his name is David, isn't on the squad. Sexy stars with first name's David are getting housed this time around... weird.

Italy vs Portugal (2:40 et. on GolTV)

I was just on the subject of electric... I wonder if either of these two teams feature electric players. Probably not, I'll just move on.
Well the 4th place finishers and the World-hoisters face off today in what is likely to be well played, compliment filled match that more resembles a nice red-carpet gala than a fierce competition. Each side will certainly try to out-dress the other in their suits and shades. In Italy and Portugal, life is good, and if you want to see moments of brilliant soccer and devastatingly handsome players, tune in. Something you'll get in this game that you won't in the England game - is one player putting a move of deceptive nature on another player, and dribbling the ball around that subsequent player (Cut to overdressed old woman with diamond crusted binoculars.) (In an English accent) Harumph!! Well I Nnnnevah!... Don't disappoint the queen Bentley and pass that ball.

France vs Spain (3pm et. somewhere online)

The overachievers versus the underachievers. This match is definition, whatever happens here is of no help to determining what will happen later. Just enjoy the soccer. Hopefully Titi Henry picks up his game a touch for his nation because he's showing signs of fading on Barca. As for the Spaniards, wow do they have a squad. But just like geopolitics of the region, they fall short against the more powerful Euro nations. I would argue that Cesc and Torres are the most volatile young duo on the planet right now. If they both shift into anything over 3rd gear, change lanes and get the hell out of the way.

I'm gonna pat myself on the back with the picture I found of the Spanish. Three extremely talented and great footballers filled with despair at what has to be another effort in vain. Tired and longing, the Spanish continue to win Pam's trophy of Longest Engagement without ever marrying.

Brasil vs Ireland (8pm et. on FSC)

Whenever you get a chance to watch Brasilian soccer you should take it. Even more so with Dunga at the helm because he has publicly announced he seeks to utilize young talent. And by young, Dunga means 16 years old.

Uruguay vs Colombia (6:30pm et. on GolTV)

Turns out I'm still really bitter. Once I see Carini we'll see what happens. You know I still don't know why Recoba isn't playing?

USA vs Mexico

Easily the most meaningful game of the set. Both of these teams always want to beat the other. The US deserves its own section so I won't give you my two cents just yet. Mexico in my opinion will always be coming off the Maxi goal until 2010. See Mexico's version of 9/11. I can honestly say that no Mexican deserved that.



All these games are tomorrow. Enjoy a great Wednesday.