Champions League Poetry

Some haikus inspired by today's results:

Ronaldo a god;
United will win it all.
Someone please kill me.

Roma pressure well,
Crap pants and waste good chances;
Two nil down at home.

Krkic is legit.
Seventeen years old and starts!
Barca have options...

Concede early goal,
And Germans don't attack well:
Recipe for loss.

Villa(un)real!

Weekend Recap:

1) Can anyone challenge Manchester United? Right now they're a runaway bus, steamrolling anything in their path, unable to be stopped, and led by a very handsome man who inspires the utmost loathing in his detractors. Kind of like the movie Speed, if Keanu Reeves were really good at his chosen profession in the way Ronaldo dominates his own. The Portuguese phenom is already inspiring debate as to whether or not he's the greatest player the EPL has ever seen (unfortunate for Arsenal and Chelsea), and Keanu Reeves is still making films (unfortunate for everyone). I happen to think he's a shoe-in for every accolade this season (including "hater of the year"), but would hesitate before calling him the best ever in the league. But if he keeps this up for just one more season, then I think he's earned the right to be talked about with Henry, Shearer, Bergkamp, Zola, and the rest. He certainly helped his case with the opener against Villa which was as beautifully executed as it was audacious.

2) Arsenal aren't finished yet. Wenger calls their victory over Bolton the greatest comeback he can remember, and I can't argue. Easter was a disaster, but the Gunners rose from the dead a week later with a gritty and fortune-favored second half. After struggling against Birmingham, Wigan, and Boro, Arsenal evidently need to be two goals and a man down before they really get going. However, that particular formula for victory won't work against Liverpool in the Champions League (as Inter will be all too happy to tell you), so Arsenal best be on their game on Wednesday if they want any shot at advancing.

3) Villareal completely outclassed Atletico Madrid. It wasn't as though los Indios were playing poorly, either, they simply ran into a squad that have real self-confidence and desperately want to contend for the title. The yellow submarine have been consistently providing some of the best teamwork in the game (watch the way they work the goals below). The question now, though, is whether Real Madrid have lost a title rival, or gained one? Barcelona look done after their stunning second-half collapse against Betis, and Villareal have supplanted them in second with a great run. They're currently six points back, and though you still have to like Real's chances, they still have to play Barcelona again this season. Villareal, meanwhile, have a cozy run for the rest of the year, with their toughest opposition coming in an away game against Sevilla next week. It's a good opportunity for another statement game.



Wonderful teamwork, but I think we all know the real secret of their success: long, flowing locks of hair. With Gonzalo Rodriguez, Pires, Santi Cazorla, and numerous others, no club has better.

4) Inter are at sixes and sevens. Their lead is at four points, but it feels a lot smaller. Roma did them a huge favor by drawing at Cagliari, but remain right on their tail. Something working in Inter's favor: Roma must play red-hot Manchester United in the CL. Probably not good for momentum. Things working in Roma's favor: Inter still have to play Fiorentina and AC Milan in the league, and have a much more difficult Coppa Italia draw in Lazio. That'll mean less rest for their big players. This one ain't over, folks.

5) AC Milan are in a tailspin. And there's no sign of it ending anytime soon. Future fixtures include Juventus (in Turin), Inter, and Udinese at the very end of the season. They're in sixth place and ninth-place Atalanta just carved up their defense like fresh cold cuts. 1-2 was a very flattering scoreline, and it could have easily been 4 or 5 for Serie A's other Nerazzurri. They're only four points out of fourth, but on current form and with their remaining schedule, I don't think they'll make it. I reckon it's probably time to bid farewell not only to Paolo Maldini, but to the fantastic dynasty of world football he helped build.

Friendly Fire Game Notes

4 matches and 6 hours of shameless soccer watching... life with Tivo and FSC/GolTv is good.

England at France

-(Enter stage left, Franck Ribery) Ladies and gentlemen, the future of French futbol. Ribery surprised me in the World Cup, surprised me when he was signed by Bayern and will surprise me no more. The man is legit.
He was everywhere on Wednesday. No part of the attacking half of midfield was off-limits for Franck and if his positioning had not slipped him behind defenders, he went ahead and burned them anyway. Even with his is stellar play, France threatened very little and its because of

Anelka/Trezeguet
- Treze was typically uninvolved (more on this later) and Anelka was way too involved. It's true that Nicolas and Ribery worked well together for most of the game but Anelka's diagonal runs were to the corner flag rather than the box. That wouldn't be a problem for a team like Germany or England that rely on crosses to their bigger players but who is gonna finish these crosses for France? Treze - unlikely and certainly not for Domenech in a friendly. Malouda - boooooo, more on him later as well. Ribery - he's 5 feet tall. With their current middies and strikers the Francais cannot/should not become a cross-heavy team.

Malouda
-Booooooooo. Boooooooo. Deep breath, BOOOOOOOOO. England backed off of him several times daring him to shoot and he obliged with a shank or a non threatening Mr. Softie. He was open behind Treze (who usually drew 2 defenders) and he dribbled out of his free space only to clog up the area just outside the box. He played no through-balls, and struggled so much, that Anelka had to change his runs to give him an out. I was frustrated by the way Malouda bludgeoned to death so many breakouts and forward opportunities. I wonder if he has the same problems when he goes out. I can see Treze or Anelka at a bar closing out a French tomcat and then Malouda joins mid conversation with a loud laugh and lack of introduction. EEeeeeeeee

Quicker notes now because this is getting long.

Capello - one up top (Rooney) is not gonna do it. Wayne really needs to be in the right formation to be effective. Recall 5 feet tall.

Gallas - Wenger's quote about how Gallas is, "quick to blame" made me feel bad because I was laying on him hard. I'll give him more time before I give him the official sucks-on-it stamp of disapproval. Fine. Good thing he got to see some Rooney too before we meet ManUtd.

Owen/Crouch - blowjob city. They suck. It's getting to the point where I'm remembering Owen suck more than I can remember him being good. That's scary. Also, I was dead wrong about Crouchey - I thought he'd be more effective with more minutes. You can't spell Crouch without "ouch."

USA at Poland

-Will Poland ever stop singing... ever. What a fan base. Down 2-nil, loud singing. Down 3-nil, even louder. It was actually annoying. I wanted to break their spirits (as a fan vicariously living through the US of course) and we couldn't do it. They still come out with a win for that one.

- I loved, loved the lineup. I should specify a touch more, the formation. Donovan and Dempsey as outside midfielders is perfect for them. 2 strikers is the way to go up top and no sweeper has the US defenders assuming responsibility much better (as opposed to the usual not at all).

- Ching was a little lost, Iguchi wears this cologne, and Eddie Johnson is absolutely, without reserve, terrible. Bradley had his boys driving Porche's on offense and Eddie was the equivalent of the airbag deploying at 3rd gear. It was that bad. He halted every attack and I can't remember a time when he received the ball on his foot and went forward instead of backwards. I provide photographic proof that the man can run forwards. Explain to me what the deuce happened to him. The commentators mentioned briefly that Bradley had asked Eddie to "wait for his teammates" on offense but my goodness.

-Despite Eddie's best efforts, I have in my notes, "man we had a lot of chances!" It's true. Dono missed two gimmes - the type you forget about in a 3-nil blowout and I think this has something to do with how the US was passing out of the backfield instead of bypassing the midfield with a long-ball.

Other notes that I find humorous

-Hello Eddie Lewis
-At least we won in Europe... although I kind of wish I knew one Polish player. I don't recognize anyone.

Argentina vs Egypt

- To no one's surprise here at TLOCA headquarters, Aguero had a monster game. Yowza he's good. The only worrying feature I've noticed about him is that he doesn't finish quite well. He creates so many chances, but anytime he scores one, he probably should have had three.

- Egypt keeps its real. I did not expect them to win the African Nations Cup but I can see why now. They have some legitimately frisky forwards and experienced middies that play good defense. Still, they should have lost 5-2 instead of 2-0.

- Still wondering when Lucho Gonzalez (currently campaigning for minutes) is gonna go buckwild and play like he's not over-thinking. He was a bit cautious on Wednesday for my taste.

- Add Cruz to the list of, "players Juan thought were good but actually turn out to not... be good"

Brasil vs. Sweden

The 50th anniversary of the World Cup 5-2 victory for Joga Bonito. Pele was 17 folks... and scored 2 goals.

-The match was extremely entertaining. Brasilian futbol is always a joy to watch and for this particular match, quite terrifying as well. Why? After Dunga put on Pato and some other infant, the average age of the current Brasilian side was, gulp, under 21.

- The Swedes came out nicely. They actually threatened numerous times and although Brasil would not have played the same had Sweden converted, they could have easily won this game 2-1. Very handsome players I might add.

Is this girl Swedish Brasilian? Have I stumbled upon a genetically perfect individual?

United for the Double?

I'll kick start some discussion. Are Arsenal title hopes dashed? Will Man U hold on? Will Chelsea overtake them? Will Avram Grant keep his job, or does he have to win one of the two remaining titles or both? What about Rafa?
-Ben

Yes, yes, no, has to win one, needs a deep CL run and/or a strong finish for third in the league... would be the short answer in my opinion. But I think we all know that anything can happen. Now for the long answers:

This season has shown that Arsenal have tremendous quality in their starting lineup, quality that can beat any team in the world. However, what they're significantly lacking is depth. If Wenger were Rafa Benitez, this would have been revealed earlier in the season, but as it is, his worn out first team are breaking down at the finish line instead. It also doesn't help that two of their most skilled players (RVP, Rosicky) are made of glass. Part of the game is being able to stay fit, and that's one skill neither one has shown. Critics have singled out Gallas and Adebayor for special treatment of late, but a) Arsenal wouldn't have made such a great first-half run if not for those two, and b) who else can Wenger turn to in big matches? There are no good second options. Gunners like to say "Arsene knows" whenever someone questions le Professor's judgment, but it's starting to look like Arsene doesn't know when to spend the money he has.* If they can't beat Liverpool at home, another finish in fourth isn't out of the question.

Meanwhile, United have shown that they have phenomenal reserves to call upon. It's especially apparent in midfield and attacking options, where Sir Alex has a veritable embarrassment of riches. Carrick not getting it done? Bring on the veteran Scholes. Ronaldo need a rest? Let Nani take over for a bit. Tevez hurt? Go get (finally healthy) Saha or let Rooney work the line alone for a day. It's a phenomenal team, and every time I watch them play I wonder how they've ever lost. But lost they have, and the odds say they'll do it again before the year is out. So will everyone else, though, and that's why they'll win the title. (Indeed, its difficult to see their current or potential opponents in the Champions League knocking them out, and if I were a betting man, I'd mark them down for that one as well.)

Chelsea don't have the same quality as United, but they do have some good depth of their own. A fine example of this was their most recent win over Arsenal; despite the ungrateful crowd's chants of "you don't know what you're doing" and "Jose Mourinho," Avram Grant made some excellent tactical substitutions, bringing on Belletti and Anelka (who set up both goals). However, final responsibility for victory has to be laid at the feet of one Didier Drogba, who torched the Arsenal defense for two (ahem, the first had a whiff of offside, and that's all I'll say about that). Really, aside from this last match, Avram's squad have been crapping the bed in big matches, and unless he can muscle them past United and/or win the Champions League, I see them looking for a new manager. Basically, that's me saying they'll have a new manager.

Ah, Rafa. This one is clearly a mystery to me. I was certain he would get the ax during a string of lackluster results and turmoil amidst the ownership back in January, but that didn't happen. And until this last weekend, his team were playing like worldbeaters. Old Trafford is a tough place to play, it's unclear if Mascherano was deserving of two yellows (shut your mouth, you fool!), but getting torched for three like that isn't a good sign. My prediction? Arsenal has become the key for him. If he can overtake them in the league and knock them out of the Champions League, his job is safe. If not, all bets are off.

*Maybe he's learned his lesson. This is very uncharacteristic.

Twins

Every person's goal in life should be finding whatever it is that gives him the above facial expression. For David Trezeguet, this is that thing:



In a season full of insane twists and turns, this last weekend provided some of the biggest. I can't speak for Juan, but I know I'll need another day before I start analyzing. So more tomorrow, then.

The Five Best Derbies

This one won't be easy, but I think we can immediately rule out the worst one, and that's Derby County. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

I've determined there are probably nine or ten big derbies that are truly deserving of note, but in the interest of time, I've whittled it down to five. We can talk about the big rivalries between different cities (Inter-Juve, Man U-Liverpool, etc.) later, so in the meantime, here's my countdown:

Barely missing the cut: Derby della Capitale (Roma vs. Lazio), The Manchester Derby (Manchester United vs. Manchester City), Derby della Mole (Juventus vs. Torino), Galatasaray vs. Fenerbahce, Olympiacos vs. Panathinaikos.


5. El Derbi Madrileno (Real Madrid vs. Atletico Madrid): This spot could have easily gone to any of the teams listed above (and a few not mentioned), but it goes to Madrid for perfectly encapsulating what intercity rivalries are all about. On the one side, you have the giants of world football, a team overflowing with trophies and praise. They're the bandwagon team that the rest of the country either loves or loves to hate, the club supported by the rich and their stadium is filled with supporters who consistently vote conservatively. Opposing them is a club playing next door to a brewery which, while successful, will always live in the shadow of its rival. This team draws no support outside its home city, and instead is loved by the leftist, rebellious working class. I don't have to tell you which is which. In terms of trophies, Atletico have nothing to be ashamed of (9 Titles, 9 Copa del Rey), but look like chumps compared to Los Blancos (30 Titles, 17 Copa del Rey, 9 European Cups). Also, you know it's a good rivalry when one team calls itself "Los Blancos" because its uniforms are white and the other starts referring to itself as "Los Indios," not for any real reason, but just to be in direct opposition.

4. The Merseyside Derby (Liverpool vs. Everton): Where this one ranks really depends on what you're looking for in a derby. Do you want bitter hatred between the two fan bases and a do-or-die environment on the field? Or do you want an atmosphere of mutual respect and pride in one's shared city? Because if it's the latter, this one is the best. In fact, when there's violence, it's usually under bizarre circumstances such as the 1980 FA Cup when supporters of the two teams actually joined together to attack fans from other clubs. Now that's unity. In terms of silverware, Liverpool has everyone in England beat (18 Titles, 7 FA Cups, 5 European Cups), but Everton are no slouches with 9 Titles and 5 FA Cups of their own. The rivalry gets docked a few points due to the fact that it has been stripped of its meaningfulness in the last few decades (neither team has won the league since 1990) But in the end, it's all about two storied clubs, two historic grounds (Liverpool have been at Anfield and Everton at Goodison Park since 1892!), and a universal love of their home city. If you're not one for fighting or chanting death threats, it doesn't get any better than this.

3. The North London Derby (Arsenal vs. Tottenham Hotspur): It was hard to put this one above Liverpool and Everton, but it currently gets the nod because of the consistent match quality and importance. Though it's been a largely one-sided affair this decade, Tottenham have recently raised the bar through competitive displays and their 5-1 beatdown of the Gunners in the Carling Cup. Both sets of supporters will also not soon forget the 2005-2006 season, when Arsenal waited until the last day of the season to overtake Spurs in the all-important fourth place spot. In terms of intensity, this rivalry is second to none; Gooners keep track of when Tottenham can no longer finish above them in the league and celebrate "St. Totteringham's Day" when it arrives, while Spurs fans could hardly wait to rejoice in their victory over Arsenal (it was only the Carling semifinal!) with commemorative DVDs and coffee mugs. You also know things are bitter between the two sides when you can refer to "Judas" in a football context and everyone in London immediately knows who you're talking about. Both sides have an impressive trophy cabinet (13 Titles, 10 FA Cups for Arsenal; 2 Titles, 8 FA Cups for Tottenham), and Spurs were able to add to it with their Carling Cup victory this season. If Arsenal don't one-up them with the league or the CL this season, you can bet the Gunners will be hearing about it for years.

2. Derby della Madonnina (Milan vs. Internazionale): Two heavyweights of world soccer, this would be a mouthwatering match under any circumstances. Add to it the fact that the two clubs share a city AND a stadium, and now you're really talking. This rivalry is so intense that it even spilled over into the 1990 World Cup when Dutch/AC Milan legends Marco van Basten, Frank Rijkaard, and Rudd Gullit faced German/Inter heroes Jurgen Klinsmann, Lothar Matthaus, and Andreas Brehme in the San Siro. When Germany won, the Italian Inter fans celebrated as though their club had triumphed. In terms of world class players, it would very difficult to top this one, and when it comes to trophies between the two sides, the numbers are staggering (Milan with 17 Titles, 5 Coppa Italia, 7 European Cups and Inter with 15 Titles, 5 Coppa Italia, and 2 European Cups). The fact that there's a hint of politics involved (Inter for the right, Milan for the left) makes the matches even more weighty, and meetings between the two have been known to get ugly (see picture above and the 2004-2005 Champions League). With Inter fighting for the title and Milan battling for fourth, the next meeting (May 4) is almost guaransheed to be a thriller.

1. The Old Firm (Celtic vs. Rangers): You could make a case for any of the rivalries I've mentioned as the best, but I think this one is truly deserving. Because while Milan and Inter are two of the best teams in Italian football, Celtic and Rangers ARE Scottish football. Simply put, there is no challenge to their consistent dominance of their league, and every year they're gunning for the title. These teams are not only the best (Celtic have 41 Titles, 34 Scottish Cups, 1 European Cup and Rangers have a mind-boggling 51 Titles and 31 Scottish Cups), but also sit right across Glasgow from one another. They don't just divide the city, either; both clubs draw support from all over Scotland, the British Isles, and the world at large. And if other derbies have a trickle of political strife to them, this one has a waterfall. When the Old Firm play one another, it's not just Rangers vs. Celtic, it's Protestant vs. Catholic, UDA vs. IRA, Britain vs. Ireland, and Loyalism vs. Independence. Pretty heavy stuff for a football match. Always important, always quality, and always controversial, this is the best derby in the world.

La English Serie BundesLiga

The undeniable truths:

- 4 capable teams all from the English Premier League out of the 32 teams that qualified make up half of the teams remaining. Perspective - 1 Italian, 1 Turkish, 1 Spanish, 1 German

- Both Jim Edward and, emphasis on - and the Great Robert Pires agree that this indicates the strength of the EPL (Jim did publish his thoughts first for any sheep accusers out there)

- Who the deuce am I to disagree with Rob Pires and Edward Stanley?

Facts worth noting*

- Manchester United advanced past Lyon. Nobody, except maybe this guy, argues that the French Ligue as a whole competes with the EPL. Man U fulfilled expectations right? Right.

- Arsenal advanced past AC Milan. It's not Arsenal's fault last years Chammmmpppppiiiiiooooon has Stephon Marbury'd, but fallen from grace they certainly have. Yes, yes, if you're a Gunner you could contend that Arsenal caused ACs downward spiral. Not so much - they were 5th when they entered the fray (maybe 6th) and they're 5th after they busted out. They've been struggling immensely. I've watched their last 6 games (starting before CL and after) and man does Pirlo look tired. More on that later. Anyway, the point still stands, (then) 1st place Arsenal beat 5th place AC Milan - expectations again.

- Chelsea advanced past Olympiacos. Nobody, except maybe this guy, argues that the Super League (despite their name) as a whole comes even close to the EPL.

- And then there is Liverpool past Intenmen Milan. This was an upset. It turns me into the angry Serie A penguin just thinking about Materazzi mouthing out "duo??!?!?!" and holding up two fingers with an expression that screamed, you can't be effing serious that's my second yellow. The Gerrard goal to me occurred in slow motion (except it was in real time) and I'm still on conspiracy watch after Burdisso got his duo of yellows turned red. I will always remember Torres' goal. For some reason I had this (nap) dream after the game that this really attractive Italian grad student was staying with me for study abroad and as we're approaching this sick Georgetown party, Torres opens the door, gives my girl a classy look up-and-down, puts his arm around her waist, pulls her inside and smiles at me while he slams the door - SLAM! Wake up sweating - still gives me goosebumps right now.

So in summary I believe it's one round too soon to start assuming the EPL is as good as they probably are and you heard it right here first, Arsenal/Liverpool will be the only English sides to advance from here.**




* if you're trying to prove my point
** hop on friendly monkey