Scholes for the England National Team!

The volleyball team, that is. Those who watched today's glorified friendly known as the UEFA Super Cup bore witness to the most outrageous handball I've personally ever seen. But let me say this: the placement was perfect and the sheer audacity of the attempt has earned Scholesy some added respect in my book. Well done, Paul! (I really wish I could find the English commentary for this as the announcers were completely disgusted: "there's nothing funny about that at all... what on earth was he thinking about?!") On an added note, Juve and Madrid should be feeling slightly more uncomfortable as a bright Zenit side tore apart the Ronaldo-less European Champions. I'm sure Juan and/or I will have more to say about the CL draw a little later.

Tomorrow, the mayhem starts for real as the Serie A and La Liga return and grace us with their presence. With just a cursory glance at the fixtures, I think it's safe to say that Fiorentina-Juve has the potential to be a real firecracker. Liverpool and Arsenal also face tough tests. Can't wait.

The $50,000,000.00 Goal

Dirk Kuyt, Liverpool legend. What more can you say? I'm constantly hating on him for his lack of pace, failure to demonstrate any skill on the ball, and utter inability to play a wide position, but yesterday, the Diggler did what he's made a career doing: he inexplicably showed up at the right place at the right time and scored an incredibly crucial goal. (For Standard Liege, who were superior on both nights of the tie, the blow must have been, as the announcers put it, "absolutely sickening." Also of note: right before he scored, I was busy explaining to my brother why Kuyt is the weak link in an otherwise menacing Liverpool attack.)

How crucial was this goal for the club and its supporters? One might as well ask how crucial water is to fish. Or the Emancipation Proclamation to black people in the United States. Or the Gateway Arch to St. Louis retaining any lasting impression on the minds of people not from St. Louis. But I digress. Let me put it this way: that goal just earned Liverpool 25 million pounds, saved Rafa's job (at least until next weekend), and perhaps prevented the club from entering a downward spiral which ends outside the Big Four. Oh, and as the ninth goal for Kuyt in 15 European outings, it has pretty much solidified him as a Kop cult hero. Which actually might be the most amazing part.

Tottenham Signs Euro 2008 Stars, Arsenal Signs Cheque At Le Gavroche

38 games x 3 available points = 114 points

Last year, 87 points won the Premiership. 114 - 87 = 27 points to spare.

Arsenal has 6 games against Liverpool, Chelsea, Man Utd. Realistically (perhaps optimistically), Arsenal splits these matches and drops another 9 points. We've dropped 3 already to (shoots self in head) Fulham, so thats 12 points total. That leaves 34 games, and 15 more points to spare.

The big four averaged 10 draws last year - 13 Liverpool, 11 Arsenal, 10 Chelsea, 6 Man Utd.
The big four averaged 3.75 losses last year - 4 Liverpool, 3 Arsenal, 3 Chelsea, 5 Man Utd.

(Rubs eyes) Wait a second? We lost three times last year and finished third. FU$%!

Where was I... Ah yes. So assuming we scrounge 9 points from 6 games with the members of the Big Four, that leaves us 34 games and 15 drop-able points. Here are the options (give or take a point):

5 losses, 0 draws
4 losses, 2 draws
3 losses, 3 draws
2 losses, 5 draws
1 loss, 6 draws
0 losses, 8 draws

That's 34 games, and Arsenal needs to win at the most 29 of them, at the least 26.

We had one "bad" loss last year - Middlesbrough. The other two were Chelsea and Man Utd.

So if you wanted to know how much the Fulham loss hurts, now you know.

(Live) From the Castle of King Kev!

I write to you live on a beautiful Sunday morning from the Arhancet Acres where Manchester United is hosting NewCastle. There have been so many "pleasant surprises" so far in the first 30 minutes that it deserves its own section.

Pleasant Surprises

11' - I'm eleven minutes late for the start and it's still nil-nil. That's kind of pleasant yes, but what really the surprise is that my parents, do not ask me how, switched from the FSC/Goltv/FSN sports package to the FSE/Goltv/TYC package. The acronym for FSE reveals itself readily once I discover that the programming title is "Futbol Ingles." Ah yes, Fox Sports Espanol and as usual, Spanish announcers can do no wrong. FSE, in so far as premiership matches, plays exactly the same schedule as FSC so I suppose the real question is, Why didn't I think of this?

13' - Paul Scholes is referred to as "El Colorado." I was going to elaborate but I think it should be obvious enough as to why that pleases me.

14' - Rooney's name is said with rolling R's (making it fairly cool and less thugish) and Nicky Butt is said - Knee-key Boot. It's been three minutes and I'm sold. I'm really beginning to regret missing the Liverpool-Sundyland game yesterday with these commentators.


22' - Ummmm? The Magpies just scored. This causes me to scream, "LONG LIVE KING KEV!!" My mother yells at me for startling her. One-nil in my dreams. Still pinching self.

24' - Hahahaha. I laugh because Jim and I spent a long time yesterday morning talking about how watching Arsenal is like watching a successful surgery. I'm on a hunch so I look up how Chelsea performed this morning and I'm immediately greeted with a primordial scream by Scolari. I close the screen and assume things um, went well. One to one, Man Utd.

Halftime - I spend the next twenty minutes moping - thinking about Arsenal reminds me that I still need to mow the lawn. My mood turns to elation because at halftime, a Subway commercial in Spanish translates hilariously into: "Philadelphia's only good contribution to humanity is the Philly cheese steak sandwich." I can't wait to use that later in a casual social setting. Man I hate Philadelphia.

<--- This is first image that comes up when I searched for "Magpie." I'm not making this up, the caption underneath it is, "Magpies are not very likable birds." Do a google image search and see for yourself.

Oh I almost forgot - After Darren Fletcher tied the game up, the camera crew cuts to Cristiano in the stands. He's wearing a backwards hat with the brim touching his neck (kinda like this but even more pronounced) and he's clapping exactly the same way I do when Arsenal wins a throw-in. Before the camera cuts away from him he stops, looks down and checks his cellphone. Oh Cristiano, I really do love you.

50' - Shot of the stands shows a small congregation of black and white striped jerseys jumping up and down and singing like crazy. Sigh. I try to think of another team in sports who's fans are as delusional as NewCastlers and the parents of a special olympian comes to mind. I'm probably going to hell.

61' - I'm furious. Martins misses a point-blank header. EFF!

72' - Vidic bounces a header off the crossbar and now he's hurt. Carrick left the pitch earlier limping as well. Check that - Vidic was just cramping from having jumped so high.

77' - Frazier Campbell, this fast young dude, absolutely brutalizes a defender with a sliding tackle from behind and gets a yellow card. Rooney is incredulous - it's the first yellow of the game.

82' - Camera cuts back to the congregation of NewCastle fans and they're quiet and pensive. Hmmm, little bit of the nerves there N'Castle?? Getting a leeeeee tle bit nervous are we?

I'm gonna type this now before it actually happens, but watching this game and hoping for Man U not to go ahead 2-1 feels alot like watching the horizon and hoping the sun doesn't rise. I could be wrong though.

85' - All eleven N'Castlers are in their own half. Begin the lock down sequence.

87' - Kevin Keegan can't stop scratching his head and fidgeting.

88' - Now I'm nervous.

89' - Rooney gets a yellow card for swearing at the ref. The wheels are coming off.

THREE MINUTES! What in the world! Nothing happened, there were no injuries. This is crazy.

92' - Martins stalls on a throw-in. Good job. Another throw-in. N'Castle seems to have forgotten how to do such a thing. I love it.

20 seconds.

MOTHER FUCKER. Foul right outside the top of the box. Oh my god if Man U scores I'm going to slam my laptop to the ground.

I'm outta here, you'll know if they score or not.

Alright I'm back. Rooney doesn't even put it on goal... terrible.

Cue PennyTalk commercial. I swear this actually happened. Priceless.

"It was never about the fans" - Arsene Wenger

Welcome to the Premier league West Brom. Everyone talks on Samsung, drinks Carlsberg, flies Emirates, and invests with AIG. It's really tough up here Brom. The Big Four win every game, get every call, and tag all the women first. Don't forget to say thank you if you get sloppy fifths. Most of all, don't forget that teams run up the score. Well, every team except for Arsenal.

One-nil to Arsenal left fans at soccer bars biting their fingernails and closing their tabs in the 80th minute. At the game, some fans were spotted heckling head coach Arsene Wenger as he left the pitch. Rumors are flying that coach Wenger scoffed and muttered something offensive under his breath.

A reporter brought up the alleged incident during the post game interview and Arsene was quoted as saying, "It was never about the fans. You'll never walk alone...or, that (gestures wildly) boy Ronaldo, that's all rubbish. I'm in the business of winning games, not having a good time," said Wenger. "If you want to go throw back a few pints at your local pub and sing and dance like an idiot then Arsenal is not for you. If , however, you like winning and thinking about life, future scheduling conflicts, or any other frustrating experiences in the every day grind, then I'm your man." Wenger concluded the interview with what he deemed a clever riddle.

"What does a triangle, a tripod, and Arsenal all have in common? (Immediately) They all have three points. Good-day gentlemen."

And We're Back...

Forgive us for not spending more time monitoring what some of my fellow football fans have dubbed "the silly season," but the sheer number (and lunacy) of transfer rumors made the job rather unappealing. But not to worry, because things count again, and TLoCA is back to record its opinions, musings, and analysis for everlasting internet posterity.

Today, thanks to ESPN2 and ESPN2 HD, one can watch Arsenal take on Steve McUmbrella's FC Twente side while monitoring Liverpool in their CL qualifier against Standard Liege. The latter ought to be a real cakewalk, especially now that 'Pool have one of the most dangerous strike partnerships in the world. Robbie Keane may not be the flashiest or most skilled forward, but as he demonstrated with Berbatov, he has a wonderful instinct for position and a good knack for knowing where the main man is at all times. Without disparaging Dirk Kuyt or Peter Crouch too much, I'll just say that it's a big upgrade and leave it at that. It'll be interesting to see what he can accomplish with el Nino. Oh, and it helps to have a healthy Stevie G as well. Can't forget about Captain Fantastic (I know how much Juan loves him).

As for the Gunners, it's clear that they should advance. But with no Cesc, Toure, Rosicky, Senderos, Diaby, or Nasri, it won't be quite as easy. Seeing Denilson and Aaron Ramsey (!) partnered up in central midfield doesn't exactly inspire the greatest confidence, but it will certainly be exciting to watch. The Arsenal attack (Ade, RVP) really should carve up this Dutch side, but I wouldn't be surprised to see a makeshift backline (Johan Djourou, you are the weakest link) leak a goal or two away from home.

So....

The Belgian Champions (AHAHAHA) 0 - 3 Hope Springs Eternal

Steve McFailure 1 - 2 Teenagers FC

Since we're back, it only makes sense to start this up again.

Another Brilliant Ad

From Nike, of course. To fully appreciate it, you need to know every Liverpudlian's favorite song at the moment (sing along here) and the history behind it. Genius.