The World Cup Is Here (Thank God)

When Juan and I started The Legend of Carl Awesome in the twilight years of the George W. Bush administration, we never dreamed that someday, ten years later, the blog would still exist exactly as it did back then - with absolutely zero audience, intermittent flurries of activity followed by years of dormancy, and a style and appearance that was somehow outdated even in 2008. Back then we were living in Washington, D.C. and New York City, respectively, and while I don't want to speak entirely for Juan, I think it's fair to say that we were not doing a ton with our lives. We were living in the weird holding period of life that immediately follows college; trying to figure out the next move. And while there was no real hardship in our lives, there was some anxiety.  Soccer (and occasionally blogging about soccer) seemed like an excellent way to pass the time and, at least for me, suppress some of the lurking anxiety about WTF I was going to do with my life.  It's not a coincidence that the vast bulk of our posts came during those first few years after college when our lives were more uncertain: we had something outside our lives that we could fixate on, analyze, obsess over, joke about. Something constant and comforting, like Arsene repeatedly trying and failing to zip up his coat or Jose Mourinho being a tremendous jackass.  Something that provided beauty and art like Cesc Fabregas playing a perfectly weighted pass to a runner that only he could see. And something that reminded us of the possibility of great joy in the world, like David Trezeguet scoring and smiling his incredible, enormous smile that spoke a language that needed no interpretation: yes, life really can be this good.

Over the years, we occasionally dropped in to write something silly or celebratory, but it's been awhile since we even did that. And to be sure, a lot has happened since our last post in November 2014. At this point, I imagine myself talking to 2014 Jim and Juan and not even knowing where to begin. Let's see... Jose Mourinho manages at Manchester United now.  It's not quite as bad as you might think, but it's not great. Messi and Ronaldo are ageless and still outstanding in every way. Arsenal won two more FA Cups but lost their familiar, comfortable grip on the Top Four trophy. There was actually a season where Arsenal finished ahead of United, Citeh, Spurs, Chelsea, and Liverpool and didn't win the League. (Don't ask.) Arsene Wenger retired. (It was sad and overdue.) Real Madrid embarked upon a Champions League dynasty that I did not see coming (and still find hard to understand/fathom even now). Portugal won the Euros over a French team that was superior in almost every single way. (Eder scored; it was extremely weird.) Chile, Italy, and, most devastatingly, the United States, somehow failed to qualify for the World Cup. Lionel Messi and Argentina picked themselves up from their heartbreaking 2014 World Cup loss and bravely made it to the final of the 2015 Copa America, only to lose in heartbreaking fashion; they then picked themselves up from that disaster and bravely made it to the final of the 2016 Copa America Centenario, only to lose in heartbreaking fashion, and here is where I'd pause so 2014 Juan can stop laughing and wipe the tears of mirth from his eyes.

Other non-football things have happened. Juan became an ER doctor; he's about to start his medical practice in Miami. I started practicing law in New York, moved to Sacramento, and am now about to relocate to London for at least a little while. Both of us have married beautiful, intelligent, accomplished women (that indulge or at least accept our love of soccer). I have a daughter, and Juan and his wife just welcomed a son to their family. Our parents and siblings are doing well. We have good friends. Arsenal fandom aside, at this particular moment in time, I think our lives are pretty great by just about every single measure. 

Despite all this, over the last couple years I find myself occasionally feeling the old anxiety that used to creep up in that uncertain time after college. Only now, it's not related to my personal or professional life (or at least not usually). I think we all know why. Maybe you, our nonexistent reader, have felt it or feel it, too.

It's hard to argue that the world isn't noticeably more crap than it was when we wrote our last posts in 2014, the year of the last World Cup. In a way, it feels right that the USA isn't playing in this year's competition. As a nation, we're having a go at genuine isolationism, so it seems altogether fitting and proper that we should find ourselves locked out of this great global party.  When the subject of the World Cup has come up with friends and acquaintances, a number have laughed it off and admitted that they won't be paying any attention. Some shake their heads ruefully and joke about Fox getting what they deserve by spending a fortune to broadcast a competition to a nation that won't even be participating and therefore won't be paying attention.

But I don't really care that the USA isn't here. And I will not be deterred from watching and enjoying this by the fact that everything is awful. The current political situation is precisely why I need this World Cup so badly. I need Olivier Giroud--wearing the only blue shirt that looks right on him--holding the ball up imperiously and laying it off to the Young God™Antoine Griezmann as he bursts into the area like Hermes on winged feet. I need Luis Suarez doing something insane, thus completing his own Three Flavours Cornetto trilogy of wacky World Cup controversy (and so we can all find out just how far Juan's parents will go to justify the actions of a madman so long as he wears the shirt of La Celeste). I need Iran and Morocco and Sweden and Iceland and Costa Rica and South Korea and Australia and all the other underdogs absolutely parking the bus in their best Mourinho homage and trying to kill a game dead, only to have their resistance broken by some late moment of magic from A Big Name or The Next Big Thing. I need Mexico getting out of their group and playing well enough to fool their fans into thinking "this is definitely the year we make the quarters" before some unbelievable calamity a la Maxi Rodriguez or Arjen Robben befalls them and sends the nation into a period of mourning befitting an actual tragedy. I need to see if the new (fake) Trezeguet from Egypt has a smile with one tenth the wattage of his namesake. I need Cinderella Runs and Heavy Favorites Flaming Out in Spectacular Fashion (hello there, Spain!).  I need furious texting sessions with friends and family as we all pretend to know everything about some 20 year old attacking midfielder from Panama or Senegal who comes off the bench in the 85th minute and scores a screamer ("Eredivisie and Ligue 1 teams have expressed interest.").  All of the cliched narratives, constant and comforting, and yet unfolding so as to provide surprise, excitement, and feats and outcomes never seen before. I need it all. Life really can be this good.

Check, Please

If Arsenal were a restaurant it would be a Cafe.
At Arsenal Cafe the menu looks delicious:
Jamon serrano croque monsieur
Bouillabasse with mustard seed toast
Vegetarian paella for two
10oz ribeye with patatas bravas
Lamb schnitzel - (sorry, temporarily unavailable)
Today's Special - Pan-seared Chilean sea bass with a lemon shallot butter

The reviews would be something like this:
5/5 stars - "Great place!  Get the sea bass special... omg, so good.  I can't believe this place has been down the block this whole time!  I can't wait to go back."  - Jenn

5/5 stars - "Seriously get the fish special, unforgettable!!  Great place for a date, quiet chic atmosphere and reasonably priced!!"  - Brit

4/5 stars - "Fantastic noms.  4 stars only because we waited an hour for the paella and when it was being brought out the waiter tripped and dropped it on the floor!  I heard its good though lol.  They were super nice about it and gave us free dessert.  Cash only. - Bryan

2/5 stars - "Lamb schnitzel is super overrated." - Frank

1/5 stars - "Schnitzel not that great - not worth it for that price"  - Bill

5/5 stars - "Sooooo good!  Apparently this place was a dump way back but my dad said they changed management and now it's great! I had the sea bass (of course! Lol) and my boyfriend seemed to really appreciate the schnitzel, said he couldn't believe all the criticism."  - Franny

0/5 stars - "Worst place ever.  My friend used to work there and said he couldn't wait to get out, they make no money and the staff is always changing and it shows.  Also what is up with cash only?  I asked the owner and he was super rude about it and said he'd never change the policy."  - Wayne

1/5 stars - "The food is ok but they ran out of silverware and the owner just told us to eat with our hands.  wtf?!  Just go buy some silverware bro... owner is crazy, the waiters said they've known about this for months.  Nachos for dessert...not going back"  - Tom

4/5 stars - "The sea bass, I mean WOW.  My friends got the paella but it was weird because the serving tray it was on right when they were going to eat it just randomly exploded and paella went everywhere."  - Ashley

3/5 stars - "My boyfriend drags me to this place at least once a week and promised me things would be different this year.  The sea bass was obviously great but I can't get that every single time.  He was bummed about the schnitzel not being available, said he was worried about that since restaurant week is coming up (newsflash, they're not beating Gordon Ramsays place, again #smh).  It's a good restaurant, don't get me wrong.  Every now and then the service is great, the food is delicious, and the atmosphere is perfect.  I just don't get how he gets so excited for this every time."  - Melissa

2/5 stars - "What is with the paella though?  Right as I'm about to take my first bite the light fell from the ceiling and knocked the fork out of my hand and splattered the food everywhere."  - AW

Arsenal and Arsene Wenger Ruin a Lovely Game of Football

I enjoyed this game for about 72 minutes.  Until that point, Alexis Sanchez was doing unspeakable things to the Anderlecht defense, running at them, twisting and turning like a live eel, and generally being the wonderful player that he has been since his arrival.  "A more mentally stable Luis Suarez," as I like to say, or "Nicki Minaj in Clappers," as Juan put it last week.  His first major contribution was to open the defense like a can opener with a perfectly weighted pass for Welbeck, who was promptly hacked down in the area.  Arteta half-panenka'ed the pen.  One nil to the Arsenal.  Then, Sanchez scored a goal that deserves to be remembered as more than a footnote to another entry in the "Arsenal Choke Away Big Lead" storybook (BUT NOW IT WON'T BE - THANKS, ARSENAL).  Alexis had turned on the afterburners, running away from Anderlecht midfield and defense and finally forcing them to foul him on the edge of the area.  And when he dusted himself off and took the resulting free kick, it went straight into the wall.  BUT, Alexis followed the rebound and smashed a first-time volley into the bottom corner.  2-0, sheer class, Arsenal cruising.

The second half was more of the same, with the indefatigable Alexis harrying Anderlecht in their own half and winning a tackle that allowed the Ox to run onto the ball and slot home coolly.  3-0  Game over.  Then, something really funny happened when Anderlecht were able to score a goal that was miles offside.  Hilariously offside.  Not even close offside.  But I wasn't even annoyed at that point, mostly just amused.  It was too bad to lose the clean sheet, but 3-1 at home with the way we had been playing seemed pretty secure.

Then Nacho gave away the penalty, and I stopped laughing.  Was it a dive?  Possibly, probably, who knows, but when you're the wrong side of your man like that, it's hard for the ref not to call it.  So then it was 3-2, and I got that feeling, the one I had against Newcastle, the one I had against Spurs that one time.  That feeling of inevitability.  Helplessness.  Arsenal were absolutely going to cough this one up.  And when they did, it was almost a relief.

I say "almost," because it wasn't actually a relief, it was extremely annoying.  It ruined our chances of topping the group.  It ruined the good feeling and the confidence that had been building in the club's supporters over the past fortnight.  It ruined a wonderful performance by Alexis Sanchez, who must be wondering how many he'll have to score and/or assist before Arsenal can safely see out a game.  (In case he ever reads this: it's five, Alexis.  The answer is five.  We've never pissed away a lead that big before, as far as I can recall, so five should be enough.  Watch us do it this season, though.)  And on a personal and petty note, it ruined my ability to gleefully watch the first half highlights and remember this game fondly and talk about how things are looking up with Juan and Adam, which is what I was most looking forward to at the 72nd minute.

One can rage against the refereeing crew all day, but this one is on Arsenal, and most of all, it's on Arsene Wenger.  You could blame Monreal for being wrong side of his man, but HE. IS. NOT. A. CENTERBACK.  He's just not.  Frankly, I think he's been doing a pretty good job there all things considered.  Yes, this time, he got beat (and maybe the ref got conned).  But the fact that he was even playing there is (1) a result of our failure to get more depth and defensive cover (yes, it's the brokenest of broken records), and (2) a reflection of Wenger's unwillingness to trust Hector Bellerin or even Flamini at right back so that Chambers can play in the center, which, you know, he can actually do.  And it's also on Arsene for not changing things up sooner when it was clear his team were about to crap the bed.  Could Theo Walcott, who looked so lively during his cameo against Burnley, not have come on and helped provide an outlet against a team that were pressing for an equalizer?  We'll never know.

It's going to be a long week now since Arsenal don't play until Sunday.  Every sports journalist in the UK is going to have a field day with this one.  Thanks to this game and certain likely political outcomes, I plan on being one very poorly-informed individual until next week.

Alexis is Nicki Minaj in Clappers

There are two contributors to this blog, and I'm the wrong person to write this, but hear me out.

The Arsenal is the song, and Alexis Sanchez is Nicki Minaj.  (That makes Wenger Wale, and Juicy J Aaron Ramsey.)

It's a solid song, a fine song; catchy, unique, well budgeted in a world where some videos are funded by Arab sheiks or Russian oligarchs.

But where would Clappers be without Nicki.  The song fits her, and she fits the song perfectly.  Nicki is a force to be reckoned with, extremely talented, physically gifted, yet somehow underrated.  Do people realize how incredible Minaj is?  Has she had a bad verse, or even a bad cameo?  And in case it isn't clear, she beat Yonce.

She enters the video at 2:45, gulp.  She literally fixes her hair at 3:15 and struts around- that was the transfer.  From 3:15 to 3:28 she gets to know the team, what she'll be working with.  And then the video counts her in - 3, 2, 1 - that's the kickoff.  From there, hold on to your hats.

Alexis Sanchez is to Arsenal what Nicki Minaj is to Clappers, ohh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.

Counterpoint: Why You Should Definitely Boo Cesc Fabregas

Yesterday, Juan wrote a post on why you should boo Cesc Fabregas.  Today, I'd like to take issue with that post and explain why you should absolutely, definitely boo Cesc Fabregas.

1. He's an extremely good player.  Probably one of the five best central midfielders in the world.  People who aren't Arsenal fans never really understood this completely.  The subject of Fabregas would come up with fans of other teams, and I would repeatedly insist: "no, he is a truly special world-class player," and then they'd say "hmm sure alright" and then add something nonsensical about Lampard or, even worse, Michael Carrick, and I'd shake my head and say: "no, you don't understand," and then we'd get frustrated with each other.  (And I mean no disrespect to Lampard, who was brilliant and still is sometimes brilliant, especially when he scores against Chelsea because that ish is hilarious.)

2. He wears a blue shirt when he plays home games.

3. He does not wear a red and white shirt when he plays home games.

4. He intentionally passes the ball to this old man who was recently spotted on a bus, and the old man then uses his devil magic skills to magic the ball into the other team's goal.  (Sometimes the other team is wearing red and white.)

5. He was so good and he was the captain and then he said he wanted to go home and he said that it was all he ever wanted and he had Barca DNA and Pepe Reina put that shirt on him and then he went home and OK that's fine it's just like Henry but then three years later he is not at home but instead playing for a terrible man who is completely without honor and class and who would definitely, definitely lose to Arsene Wenger in a fistfight and he is being paid with money that is dripping with the sweat and blood of the Russian people who were swindled and I hate him and I love him and I hate him

(deep breath)

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Why You Should Boo Cesc Fabregas

It's been over 3 years since Cesc Fabregas played his last game for Arsenal; it was a 2-1 loss to Bolton.  He left for his hometown of Barcelona, where, before anyone cared where he played soccer, he was just a kid.  In Northeast Spain, nothing is given.  Everything is earned.  Or something like that.

He wanted to win we were told.
But he won't play! We responded (correctly).
He'll fit in perfectly they said.
But where exactly? We exclaimed (correctly).
The weather, the tabloids, the women, the food, the culture - they're are all better in Spain!
But... but...yeah ok fine.

In between watching perhaps the best team I will see in my lifetime I watched him on the bench, desperate for a frown, a twitch, something that I could point to.  Something that would let me know that maybe he regretted his decision.  That's all I really wanted.

I know, I thought, he won't play in El Clasico, and that's when I can move on.  He came on in the 80th minute, Barcelona lost 2-1.

But then he started playing, and then he scored a few goals, and then they won the league, and then they won everything.  He looked happy.  Ouch.

Time will fix this, and it did.  I was happy for him.  He was right, Arsenal was a sinking ship.  He'll always be a gooner.

Until he wasn't.

What in the holy christ fuck is he doing back in England and with goddamn Chelsea with goddamn Mourinho and Drogba, and, jesus!  And don't come at me with this, "Arsenal didn't want him" bullshit.  First of all Arsenal have a right to pass on him, I'm glad they did (no I'm not), and that's not what happened anyway.  If he's capable of forcing himself onto Barcelona, and he'll take a pay cut to do it, and he'll swim the Mediterranean just to get there, then if he really wanted to come back he would have.  It wasn't about competitiveness when he left because athletes in their prime want to contribute - he was the captain of a Champions League team in Englad at 24!  His first games were with an Arsenal team that went undefeated in the league!  It turns out we were right, he was wrong.
And that's why you should boo him.  Because with this it's not often you're right, but this time you were.
So let him cross it to an offside John Terry, which of course won't be flagged, of course, it's Chelsea.  And let him hug all up on Willian, and Terry, and let Mourinho keep trolling Arsenal fans since he's still mad that Pellegrini trolled him with Lampard earlier in the year - thanks for that by the way - and hopefully Fabs has some advice for Costa and his Van-Persie-hamstrings.  To hell with it all.
BOOOOOOOOOO.

Manchester United Are Must-See TV

One season of football can really change the way you feel about a club.  As long as I've been watching, Manchester United have been Public Enemy No. 1.  A team to be hated and feared.  Respected and admired, certainly.  But mostly hated and feared.  And ever since Cristiano Ronaldo left, United have never been at the top of my non-Arsenal soccer viewing.  Even when they were putting out title-winning sides, I took no particular enjoyment in watching them play.

Until now, that is.  United's utter ineptitude last season laid the groundwork by removing most of the fear and loathing and replacing it with grateful, long-awaited feelings of schadenfreude.  And this season, they are probably the most entertaining side for a neutral viewer.  Their attacking options are like something that was dreamed up by Roman Abramovich after a few lines of fine Colombian (not talking about Falcao) a few years ago, who then shook his head and laughed at his own silliness.  Meanwhile, their defense is playing like someone told them that the FA has changed the offside rule to five yards behind the last man.  And that the ball is made of hot lava.  Basically, it means that the viewer is guaranteed a minimum of four goals per game, and it's not entirely clear which side is going to score them.

Anyway, if this doesn't convince you, watch and admire at Rafael screaming in desperation at Saido Berahino as he peels away, trying to put him off scoring the way your annoying friend yells right before your shot in a game of H-O-R-S-E.  (Note: it didn't work.  At all.)  Good stuff.

Frustration

I started writing this post when Arsenal were 2-1 down to Hull. The game finished 2-2 so Huzzah, I guess.

I don’t know what makes a great soccer team great.  I mean, I have a rudimentary understanding of what is required, and I can certainly recognize greatness when I see it.  But what I cannot do is say: "if you buy X player and Y player and hire Z manager, you will have a great team" and know that I will be right.  (Well, maybe if variables X, Y, and Z are Messi, Ronaldo, and Jurgen Klopp, respectively.  I would feel pretty confident about that.  But even then, who knows?)  Of course, this has never stopped me from making these sorts of predictions and tricking myself into believing them.

Which brings me to Arsenal.  Last year, Arsenal broke its nine-season trophy drought by winning the FA Cup against Hull City.  It was glorious and well-deserved.  If Juan and I were not deadbeat absentee parents of this blog, there certainly would have been celebratory posts and pictures and champagne for all.

What made the FA Cup win so wonderful was not just that Arsenal had a trophy to throw in the faces of its critics (albeit only the third-most prestigious trophy one can win in English football these days), but that it seemed to be the first marker on a road to continued success.  For nine years, Arsenal and its fans had wandered in the desert, watching teams built on youth and the glittering jewel in the crown, Cesc Fabregas, show great promise (2007-08, 2010-11) and then ultimately crash and burn down the stretch.  During these years of debt and thrift and injury (always injury), Arsene Wenger cobbled together starting lineups with spit and duct tape and Denilson and somehow the team dragged its ass over the finish line in third or fourth.  Arsenal fans would spend the summer wondering which one of their stars would get picked off by a bigger club.  Instead of being used to buy suitable replacements, the proceeds would immediately be sent to the bank to pay for the Emirates Stadium.

Anyway, all of this has been beaten to death, so I'll get to the point, which is this: those years of fruitless frustration are supposed to be over.  The stadium is paid off.  There is a new kit deal.  The naming rights to the Stadium have been renewed.  The club is flush with cash.  Arsenal spent an extended period of time at the top of the table last year.  There is a shiny new trophy in the cabinet.  And the last two summers have seen the arrival of two of the most exciting attacking players in world football: Mesut Ozil and Cesc Fabregas Alexis Sanchez.

Even without the arrival of a defensive midfielder and greater defensive cover following the departure of Thomas Vermaelen (two subjects that deserve, and have received, gallons of ink already), I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that Arsenal fans felt their team would be truly competitive this season.  Ozil and Sanchez would be the missing variables to get our once-exciting offense back on track.  Welbeck could be the finisher that we've missed since RVP.  Things would CLICK.  Maybe we would ultimately fall short in the League to the depth of Chelsea or Citeh, but we would be in the fight to the end!  We would be outside challengers for the Champions League!  We would put up a staunch defense of the FA Cup!  Some of us even exchanged texts about the treble being in play.  (Full disclosure: some of us are silly.)

As of this moment, Arsenal sit sixth in the table, and they will probably be lower than that by the time the weekend is over.  Chelsea are in the lead with twice (twice!) as many points.  Ozil is injured.  Koscielny is injured. Giroud is injured.  Debuchy is injured.  Wilshere is (almost certainly) injured.  Rosicky and Ramsey have struggled with injuries at various points already.  Walcott has not yet returned.  This is all very bad luck (or something worse and systemic), but Arsenal have still put out sides that, on paper, ought to be have won against opponents like Hull, Tottenham, Leicester, and Everton.  These games have all been draws, some, like today, by the skin of their teeth.  We have looked very, very mediocre.

This team is not great.  It is not even very good.  I don't think it's just the injuries, either.  Something is not right.  There is a faint whiff of rottenness at the core.  The hope provided by that FA Cup victory is long gone.  The lack of good defensive depth and cover has been incredibly obvious.  And the resignation is setting in that this will be yet another season where we exit the Champions League at the round of sixteen.  A season where the FA Cup holds the slim possibility of another trophy and, more likely, the threat of embarrassing ourselves against lower league opposition.  A season where the league is far beyond us by Christmas (or, um, today) and we will struggle for the Top 4 Trophy and the lifeblood of Champions League football.

(Still gonna watch, though.)

We Forgot Our Own Birthday

Notable Footy Things That Have Happened Since We Last Updated the Blowg:

1. Arsenal sold their best player and another of their most promising players, became terrible, and were humiliated by United at Old Trafford.

2. Uruguay won the Copa America and retained their position as South America's best team.

3. The United States lost the Women's World Cup in a heartbreaker to Japan. Becky Sauerbrunn, friend of the blowg, made her World Cup debut in the semifinal match against France and was outstanding.

3. Liverpool bought some really promising young British players and looked like they might be getting somewhere.

4. Manchester City started the season on fire and beat the crap out of their frightened neighbors.

5. Juventus somehow built one of Europe's scariest teams under the radar by acquiring Marko Vucinic (a Jim favorite), Fabio Quagliarella, Andrea Pirlo (a Juan favorite), Alessandro Matri, Simone Pepe, Arturo Vidal, and Marco Boriello. Vucinic, Boriello, and Matri joined del Piero, Iaquinta, Luca Toni, and Amauri as striking options (OK, that is just ridiculous). A death struggle quickly ensued between Juve and Milan.

6. Tottenham started the season terribly and then just as suddenly became London's best team. Ew.

7. Chelsea in crisis.

8. Arsene Wenger brought in an enormous German, a handsome Spaniard, and a tricksy Israeli to right the good ship Arsenal. Amazingly, it worked. But mostly because Robin van Persie hoisted the entire team onto his broad shoulders like a Dutch Superman with a son named Shaquille.

9. Things happened in the Bundesliga and Ligue 1.

10. Things also happened in La Liga. Mostly things involving Barca and Madrid: Cesc suddenly discovering that his head game is outrageous in Spain, Pepe behaving so poorly that it drew criticism from choirboy Wayne Rooney, and lots of diving.

11. Manchester City and Manchester United both failed to qualify for the knockout stages of the Champions League and had to settle for the Europa League. No, there is nothing more embarrassing than that.

12. (Alleged) Racism.

13. Paul Scholes and Thierry Henry (swoon) returned for Man U and Arsenal, respectively, thus confusing fans of both teams into thinking it was 2002. Millions wrote their MPs in the hopes of preventing a war in Iraq.

14. Henry scored the winner on his re-debut for Arsenal. Millions peed in their pants just a little bit.

15. Liverpool became terrible again, thanks in part to (alleged) racism.

16. Arsenal became terrible again, thanks in part to injuries and just general crapness.

17. Jim passed the NY Bar Exam and started work in Arkansas. Juan moved to Colorado and started medical school.

18. The Legend of Carl Awesome celebrated its fourth birthday on January 15, 2012. Which is like 21 in blowg years.

19. I promised on several occasions to definitely update the blog every time Juan or Adam Large texted me something hilarious about footy. I never did.

20. Anything connected to Mario Balotelli.

But fear not, we'll be bringing you our canny thoughts and priceless insights on a more regular basis. Starting with our first ever live-tweeting of Arsenal vs. Manchester United, which can be enjoyed here: https://twitter.com/#!/jimedstan

Univision and Brasil's Swagger

"Ok, I have another theory for why Venezuela is wearing red wine," explained the Univision announcer. This was the 10th time the booth mentioned the color choice on the Venezuelan national team and Pablo Ramirez, the leader of the crew, wasn't finished bouncing ideas off his colleagues. "If you mix the colors of the Venezuelan flag together, you get red wine." His partners were incredulous, and so was I, but for entirely different reasons.

Brasil is back; it's about time. With Argentina rebuilding, and Uruguay still one bad loss from their usual existential crisis, those yellow bastards look terrifying, again. Maybe it was the five, yes, that's correct, five consecutive give-and-go's between Neymar and Andre Santos. Or perhaps it was Pato's effortless settle in the box, from a ball kicked 50 yards away, over his shoulder, with a defender painted on him, while he was at full speed. Maybe it's that Robinho looks really comfortable. I don't want to alarm anyone, but he's being used in the correct role now as well.

"There's going to be a big problem if Venezuela try to match Brasil's pimperies," said Pablo's colleague. Learning how to successfully use "pimperies" in a sentence is something that Univision can't take away from me now, but moreover, he was right.

Brasil, especially in South America, compels teams to try and play like them. It's one of the intangibles of joga bonito; teams disastrously try to match it. This was not the case when Dunga had them playing a 4-5-1. A four-five-one people, and no, that's not four forwards and one sweeper. Now they seem to be playing a 4-3-3, and it's a good thing I have to use the word seem.

But there's still one problem. His name is Lucas Leiva. It's not his fault, I guess, it's more that Brasil has nobody else to play his role. That is to say, Lucas Leiva is the best pass-first defensive midfielder they've got. If Brasil had, I don't know, Xabi Alonso on one leg and no arms, they'd win every game by 8 goals.

They may not win the Copa America. They may not even beat Venezuela right now - it's still 0-0 in the 60th minute - but they're not playing for this tournament. The Copa America, unless you have $70 on Uruguay to win at 11-1, is a mostly useless tournament. Brasil is preparing for 2014, and by the look of things, they'll be fine.

OK, more than fine.

Charlie Good Update

It's about a two hour drive to Querétaro from Mexico City. Instead of renting a car, you could always spend a few more bucks and fly there directly. Querétaro is the perfect place to run away.

It's not as difficult as you might think, running away. And there's plenty to do once you get there. Once you stop thinking about what you're leaving behind, and instead start thinking about what's waiting for you, you're ready.

I know why I would go - the white roosters. Well, that's not entirely true, it's actually one man: Charles Nice. When Carlos Bueno scores, you can't help but smile. His dances make you feel like a kid again, and that's no coincidence. He celebrates the same way his 8-year-old son does, whenever his son scores a goal in little league. And when Carlos Cozy shows you his magic, he evokes a roar from the crowd that kids dream about.

If I had only seven and a half minutes to convince you that you'd love Mexican league soccer, I'd show you this video.

And if you watched it all, well, then, I'll see you there. I hope you like Corona.

Huh?

What's that you say? The season is over? Oh, well I thought it had only just begun. You see, I can only remember three Arsenal games all season.

Here's one. I happened to be there.

Here's the other.

And this is the last one.

man10ram56 by arsenalist

As far as I'm concerned, nothing else happened. That's why I'm so confused by people who say that Arsene should blow up the team. The guys who played in these games looked great.

Apparently, there's a big game tomorrow. I'm sure that either Juan or I will be happy to fill you in on proceedings.

"Ohhh Yes! This Guy Is Classy."

Exclaims Bill Leslie of Sky Sports 1.


Also, to the person with a Uruguay flag at Craven Cottage - well played sir. You've made Luis and me very happy.

It's Beautiful On the Other Side/A Disturbance in the Force

Two quick points:

1) Once you've successfully abandoned all expectation for your team, it's actually kind of nice to watch a game like yesterday's match between Arsenal and Spurs. Both teams played fantastic attacking football, defense optional, and all in all, it was probably a fair result. I think Arsenal were slightly better on the day (when will Tom Huddlestone, of all people, score a goal like that again? - the answer is surely never), but it's hard to begrudge Spurs the draw, especially when Kenny Chesney had to make a series of excellent saves to keep it 3-3.

Basically, I was expecting to surrender the 3-1 lead. (And frankly, I was expecting William Gallas to head in the winner once the game was tied.) I refused to get sucked in by Manchester United's draw against Newcastle. We should all know that the league is lost, the season is over. So I'm OK with the result, and I'm able to see the dark, absurd humor in supporting a team for which no lead is EVER safe. When one's team is up 3-1 and playing well, that supporter should entertain in the back of his mind that a draw or loss is possible. He should NOT, however, fear that outcome. And he definitely should not anticipate that outcome or, as in my case, perceive it as a foregone conclusion. But that's how it is with Arsenal these days. And once you've gone that far, it's weirdly beautiful on the other side. [Note: As I was writing this, I began listening to the Footballistically Arsenal podcast from Tuesday. From his remarks, you can tell that Tom Rosenthal reached the other side during the Liverpool match, and I'm happy to join him there. He notes in the podcast that Arsenal have become a parody of themselves. He's taking sick pleasure in the sheer absurdity of the team - it's almost a perfect summary of how I felt going into the Spurs match.]













2. Is this the beginning of the end for Barca's GOAT claims? Have the Patriots found a way to stop the Greatest Show on Turf? Honestly, I was stunned at the momentum shift I perceived after Madrid won. I was expecting Barca to look unhappy, but not perturbed. Instead, the TV captured Messi looking really upset, Guardiola looking concerned, and the rest of the team looking generally devastated. Madrid, of course, were going nuts. I'm not sure we can underestimate just how big a statement was made in this game. There has been a disturbance in the force. And if I could feel it here, I'm sure Juan heard cries of anguish for miles.

Other Thoughts: Ronaldo's header was fantastic, and for the first time ever, he definitely outplayed Messi. He was the most dangerous man on the field for all 120 minutes. I had flashbacks to watching him run at English defenders in the Premier League. It's still terrifying how fast he is and just how good he is in the air. It was also perversely satisfying to hear the commentators accusing Barca of all the things they say about Arsenal: "not enough height," "no Plan B," "not enough urgency," "wasteful in front of goal," etc. I would also like to note that Arsenal (even a more talented Arsenal from 2004-2006) always had a great deal of trouble with Mourinho's Chelsea teams. He is a master at exposing those kind of flaws. Very, very interesting times ahead.

Also, I can't believe Sergio Ramos dropped the Copa del Rey under a bus. That's really all there is to say about that.

Seven Years of Famine

"Behold, there come seven years of great plenty throughout all the land of Egypt. And there shall arise after them seven years of famine; and all the plenty shall be forgotten in the land of Egypt; and the famine shall consume the land." Genesis 41:29-30.

Arsenal Under Arsene Wenger

97/98-04/05: Three Premier League Titles, Four FA Cups (including two Doubles and an undefeated league season).

05/06-present: Famine, starvation, rivers of blood, Mikael Silvestre, locusts, death of firstborn children, etc.

Indeed, the plenty is long forgotten. Let's take a quick season recap, shall we?

18 September 2010: After a gritty, but by no means dominant performance, Arsenal lead 1-0 from a crazy Cesc Fabregas goal. But then Rosicky spurns a chance to make it 2-0 by blasting his penalty into outer space. And in the dying seconds of injury time, a Clichy/Koscielny mix-up allows Darren Bent to equalize and prevent Arsenal from moving top of the league.

7 November 2010: Free kick to Newcastle. Fabianski comes for it, flaps wildly. Andy Carroll heads into an empty net. Newcastle line for the game: two attempts, one goal. Arsenal lose.

20 November 2010: Two excellent first-half goals by Arsenal see them lead their bitter rivals Tottenham Hotspur at home. However, after the break, Tottenham score three times, including a penalty awarded when our captain foolishly raises his arm in the area to block a free kick. Spurs beat Arsenal in the league at home for the first time in, well, a really long time. Again, this loss prevents Arsenal from moving to the top of the table.

29 December 2010: After coming off the high of beating Chelsea 3-1 in the league, Arsenal respond well to an early setback against Wigan by taking the lead, 2-1. They even enjoy the benefit of a man-advantage after N’Zogbia is rightfully sent off for headbutting Wilshere. However, in the 80th minute of the game, Sebastian Squillaci heads the ball into his own net when trying to clear. The draw prevents Arsenal from going level on points with United at the top of the table. Sensing a theme here...

5 February 2011: Theo Walcott scores in the first minute of the game against Newcastle, and Arsenal romp to a 4-0 lead by halftime. But in the second half, Newcastle are awarded two penalties (one just, the other terribly unfair), and this sparks them to a 4-4 comeback, which culminates in an 87th minute wonderstrike by Tiote. Arsenal are the first team to go 4-0 up in a league game and not win it.

27 February 2011: Arsenal and Birmingham City are deadlocked at 1-1 in the Carling Cup Final. As the second half goes on and extra time beckons, it’s clear that Arsenal are in the ascendancy and that Birmingham are tiring. But in the 89th minute of regulation, an insane mix-up between Koscielny and Kenny Chesney allows Obefami Martins to tap in and win the cup for Birmingham.

8 March 2011: Arsenal go to the Camp Nou with a 2-1 lead from the first leg of their Champions League matchup against Barcelona. Barcelona are in fine form, but Arsenal defend extremely well until an uncharacteristic error by Fabregas gifts a chance to Messi right before halftime, and he takes it very well. However, Arsenal equalize from a fortunate own goal by Busquets in the second half. Soon after, though, Robin van Persie is ludicrously sent off with a second yellow for “timewasting” when he kicks a ball a split second after the referee’s whistle (in a loud, crowded stadium). Barca take advantage of the extra man and quickly score two more. Arsenal still have a chance to go through, but Bendtner fluffs his lines in front of goal. Arsenal go out of the Champions League, losing 4-3 on aggregate.

12 March 2011: Arsenal dominate possession and chances at Old Trafford in the FA Cup quarterfinal against Manchester United. Fergie puts out a team with seven defenders, though, and Arsenal can’t make the breakthrough. Fabio and Rooney, on the other hand, make the most of their chances. Arsenal go out of the FA Cup, losing 2-0.

17 April 2011: After several lackluster draws, Arsenal have one last chance to put pressure on United at the top of the table. After dominating possession and chances all game (and benefiting from unfortunate injuries to key Liverpool players), they are still unable to make a breakthrough... until Fabregas wins a penalty in the 7th minute of stoppage time and van Persie coolly slots it home. The revitalized title challenge lasts exactly two minutes, however, as Arsenal surrender a free kick on the edge of the area, and then Eboue gives away an insanely sloppy (and rather dubious) penalty when Lucas dives under his body. Kuyt scores in the 102nd minute of regulation (!) with literally the last kick of the game, thus ending any Arsenal hope of winning the league.

Has there ever been a season quite like this? I know that Arsenal in spring has become a freak show that everyone else can enjoy over the past few seasons. But we are reaching new lows here, people. This entire season has been one gut punch after another. Just when we think we’ve seen it all, the football gods take a familiar, painful plotline, and give it just enough of a twist to make it hurt all over again. For instance, today’s match was reminiscent of the Champions League match against Liverpool from several years ago. That one really hurt - in fact, it might be the most crushing soccer loss I've experienced. But I thought I was over it. Well, this one reopened that wound and then twisted the knife for good measure. As another example, the 4-4 against Newcastle reminded me of the 4-4 against Spurs from three years ago (and to a lesser extent, the 4-4 against Liverpool, which was more bittersweet). But at least the goals were more back and forth in that one. This season, we rolled over and let in four straight without any resistance. (And at least we didn’t LOSE that 4-4 to Spurs... this year, they came back and beat us. I’m telling you, new lows.)

As Juan succinctly put it, “the kind of bad luck that happens to United over the course of twenty years gets consolidated into a season for us.” Why is that? My personal theory is that Arsene Wenger made a deal with Satan for the Invincibles. That team had too much swagger NOT to be aided by dark, supernatural forces. If only Arsene had known that this was how the devil would collect his due: six years without a trophy and some of the most freakish, gutting losses that any team has ever experienced... consolidated into the span of a few seasons (or even just one).

What more has to happen for this terrible saga to come to an end? What new levels of losing (to quote the irritating but often on-point Bill Simmons) will the football gods find for Arsenal in the remainder of this awful season? Right now, I’m envisioning a 5-4 loss to Tottenham midweek, in which we go up 4 nil and then manage to lose. William Gallas will score the winning goal. And then maybe Manchester United clinching the title (is that mathematically possible? Seems like it...) with a 5-0 beatdown at the Emirates, thus exacting revenge for 2002. Patrice Evra and Nani will score at least one each. Rooney will pick up the ball in his own penalty area, run the length of the field, nutmegging Fabregas, sidestepping Nasri, twirling beyond Djourou, and then lobbing Chesney with an inch-perfect chip. It will be the greatest goal ever scored in the Premier League, and people will talk about it for a century.

Frankly, if that’s what it takes to make this voodoo madness stop, then I can deal with it. But according to the Biblical prophecy (see above), we have at least one more season to go. For next year, I'm predicting a fourth place finish behind, wait for it... Spurs. After that, maybe there will be a return to normalcy. No more clumsy or freakish errors that come at the most inopportune moments. No more horrible refereeing decisions that go against us at crucial times (yes, yes, I know they're supposed to even out over the course of the season, but ask any Arsenal or Chelsea fan if they feel that the universe hasn't quite made up for some of the calls/no-calls of the past few years). And if Arsene is still around (and I pray that he is because for all his flaws, he's a fascinating, intelligent person and an amazing manager), I firmly believe I will see him lift another trophy with Arsenal. He and Captain Jack Wilshere.

In the meantime, Juan and I will be watching Boca Juniors and the Seattle Sounders. Because you just can't fight that Biblical ish. And because it’s easier when you just don’t give a damn.

It's Our 200th Post!

It's been a great ride. The car blew out three of its tires, Jim's arm is stuck in the door that accidentally slammed on him when he got in last, and I'm sitting in the back wondering who's driving because I'm pretty sure we're headed for that cliff up ahead, but the car keeps on moving.

Despite the recent form, this is a time to reminisce. These are our favorite posts from the past 200, as voted on by our readers! (That means Jim and I).

2008

• Before TLOCA took La Liga seriously, and before La Liga took themselves seriously, Real Madrid led the table and faced lowly Getafe in what would be a meaningless rout. Well In Case You Missed It, they lost, in such a way that Arsene Wenger termed, "meh, just you wait 3 years". But in all seriousness I'd like to point out that Barcelona finished 3rd that year, Jim and I weren't the only ones that thought Puyol was overrated, and Guti was good at soccer.
  ** Even the youtube link still works!
  
  
• There isn't anything special about Will They Make It, except that the day after it was written, Arsenal walked into the San Siro for their second leg of the Champions League quarter finals and did what no English team had done before. It also just so happens that Cesc Fabregas was the culprit of a 30-yard missile, 6 minutes from stoppage time to bury the defending Champions League Champions. It may have led to The Fab Face (see above, left) and it may have been because Fab reads this blog.
  ** Unfortunately the links don't work, but they were memorable Arsenal goals in the Champions League.
  

• Jim tackles The Five Best Derbies and it's a timeless piece unaffected by emotion or bias; I know this because Arsenal vs Tottenham isn't the #1 derby. Just look at that picture of Rafa; I knew this would be fun!
  
  
• Another Friendly, when watching the United States play soccer is like bad sex.
  
  
• It wasn't all Clasicos and Arsenal-Chelsea victories for TLOCA correspondents, believe it or not we used to go to USA friendlies. A Report From the Front tells the story about when Jim sees the Messiah in "Football" territory.
  
  
• Another Brilliant Ad is a testament to when El Niño was the hottest thing in the Premier League and was leaving an array of defenders behind his beautiful red jersey. For the record, TLOCA still loves Fernando and is really hoping he scores a hattrick against Man United in a week.
  
  
• It Was Never About the Fans complains about the days when Arsenal kept winning 1-nil, and ends with some humor from Arsene Wenger. This is also marks the point when Juan went from funny to surly, light-hearted to generally bitter.
  
  
• Jim finishes 2008 with an economist-esque examination of the difference between two north London rivals, aptly titled Tottenham Hotspur: the Anti-Arsenal.

2009

• After the Arsenal campaign ended with a whimper, and T-minus 12 days before the next campaign, Juan compares supporting Arsenal to a regretful night in college. The parallels are fascinating, hilarious, and disturbing.
  
  
• It was a moment that Ireland will never forget. In Poor Ireland, Poor Me, Jim puts his perspective on the legacy of his favorite player and the consequences of Thierry Henry's handball with an occasional french joke and one epic photograph.
  

2010 - Present

• Dedicated to Aaron Ramsey is contained anger, and The Culture of English Football is the sarcastic yet eye-opening follow up to an incident TLOCA will never forget.
  
  
• On the eve of the Arsenal vs. Barcelona CL clash, Juan had been listening to a little too much Notorious BIG: Barça Bleeds.
  
  
• The World Cup 2010. Uruguay vs. Ghana. Life After Death.
  
  
• In August Juan decided to leave the United States and pursue his love of soccer under the guise of "International Medicine". A Night In Barcelona is his first post from Sunny Spain.
  
  
• A classic song deserves a classic post. In the Words of Ice Cube combines the two and serves as a snapshot of the soccer scene before the whole world went mad. Proof that there was normalcy before 4-4 draws and goals in 13 minutes of stoppage time.
  
  
• Juan went to El Clasico, Jim went to the Emirates. Both are first hand accounts with original videos and photos.
  
  
• And last but not least is my personal favorite, You're Welcome, Sincerely Barcelona FC. Diego Forlán comes to Barcelona to visit, while Quique Sanchez Flores runs interference; a gushing encounter of Uruguay's icon.
  

Here's to 200 more!

A March To Forget

For Jim and I, the month of March went alot like Richie Tenenbaum's last tennis match.

The "something" that happened was the combination of a few things. The Carling Cup final on February 27th left us confused and reacting in such a way that had psychologists scrambling for more notepads. Then there was the second leg of the Barcelona game, a 90 minute thesis on the 7 steps of grief; I promise we still haven't reached step 7. I'll throw in the FA cup too, you know, because I've never seen such an overt mockery of Wenger-ball. You realize Ferguson put out 7 defenders right, but I digress.

We ignored losing the first set 6-love, carried on to lose the second set 6-love, and at four-love in the third and final set, Jim and I looked up in the stands and saw Manchester United marrying the EPL trophy.

There we were, wandering around our respective lives without shoes on, and having lost one sock. The commentators could very well be Franny and Emily, not truly understanding what the hell went wrong.

Soon, cognitive dissonance will take over: We want to win trophies but we don't want to pay market-price for experienced players. So we tell ourselves the market is all screwed up, and rich russian and oil tycoons are ruining the sport. But before cognitive dissonance, and near the end of the season, we'll instead morph into Royal Tenenbaum, asking ourselves what the hell happened. Just like the season before that, and the season before that.

If it's possible to reach the last stage with only hope and not acceptance, then perhaps we have reached stage 7. I doubt it. Still, somewhere, in some pleasing dream world, I imagine Arsenal beating United, Chelsea exacting their revenge the next week, and then, on the final day of the Premier League, Ian Holloway will finally be rewarded for encouraging positive, attractive football, and force a relegation-saving-draw which just so happens to be a title-winning-one too.

I'm still allowed to dream right?

Surely This Cannot Be Possible

This.

And that's all I want to say for now. This could be huge, ladies and gentlemen.

Arsenal 2, The Greatest Team Ever 1

Oh it was a good one.

This was for the Barcelona fans who started ole'ing in the 30th minute, for the time Victor Valdez decided it would be cool to volley the ball out of his box instead of simply picking it up, for the time Sergio Busquets realized he lacked one decent offensive move and lost out to Cesc Fabregas.

This win was for Pep Guardiola, who took Villa off in the 65th minute, for Xavi, who still hasn't arrived in London, and for Iniesta, who's only contribution to the stat sheet today was getting substituted for someone I'm unfamiliar with.

It was for Van Persie, who went and hugged Arsene Wenger after his goal, knowing he was right; for Samir Nasri, who somehow managed 90 great minutes after a hamstring injury, and especially for putting Dani Alves in his place.

The win was for the fans at the Emirates, who ironically sang, "we've got Cesc Fabregas" after our 2nd goal, for Kenny Chesney, our keeper who is the only one on earth with more confidence than Nicklas Bendtner, and for our awfully under appreciated back-four. And for Eboue, who I expect to see shirtless for the next 7 days.

Most of all this win was for Andrei Arshavin, who tucked away the most important goal of his career with such smoothness and nonchalance that the replay seemed to lie. Had time truly stopped in his eyes? How could he possibly be so sure?
Welcome back - my light - Andrei Arshavin.

Regardless of what happens in the Camp Nou, thank you Arsenal. You showed the world that Barcelona Football Club isn't just fallible, but beatable at their own game.

Dear Gennaro Gattuso

Some questions after the brawl/match last night:

1) Are Milan that bad? Can someone who has actually been watching their games please inform me if last night was a total fluke or if they're really that blah (and it somehow works for them because the Serie A is just weak).

2) Who would win in a fight: Crouch or Gattuso?

3) Who would win in a fight: Joe Jordan or Gattuso?

4) Who would win in a fight: Gattuso or the ground?

5) Who would win in a fight: Flamini or Corluka's ankle?

6) Was last night's win over Milan the greatest achievement in the history of soccer? Are Tottenham now the best team in football? Does it matter that Arsenal went into the San Siro in 2008 and punk'd Pirlo, Kaka, and co. 2-0 when Milan had a substantially better squad and were the holders of the Champions League trophy? No, I'm not suggesting the press are overreacting. I'm just asking the questions.

And I look forward to getting some answers. Or at least some that aren't answered by the pictures in this article. Apparently, there's a really important match later today, but I can't remember what that is. Updates later.